Genesis 16

1Now Sarai Abram's wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar.

2And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai.

3And Sarai Abram's wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife.

4And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes.

5And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the LORD judge between me and thee.

6But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face.

7And the angel of the LORD found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur.

8And he said, Hagar, Sarai's maid, whence camest thou? and whither wilt thou go? And she said, I flee from the face of my mistress Sarai.

9And the angel of the LORD said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands.

10And the angel of the LORD said unto her, I will multiply thy seed exceedingly, that it shall not be numbered for multitude.

11And the angel of the LORD said unto her, Behold, thou art with child and shalt bear a son, and shalt call his name Ishmael; because the LORD hath heard thy affliction.

12And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren.

13And she called the name of the LORD that spake unto her, Thou God seest me: for she said, Have I also here looked after him that seeth me?

14Wherefore the well was called Beerlahairoi; behold, it is between Kadesh and Bered.

15And Hagar bare Abram a son: and Abram called his son's name, which Hagar bare, Ishmael.

16And Abram was fourscore and six years old, when Hagar bare Ishmael to Abram.

Well, it looks like Sarai was the infertile one after all, so I guess Mr. Genesis Writer Man uses "seed" to mean "kids," rather than sperm, because Abram had the latter, but not the former.

Sarai comes up with a handy plan: Abram will fuck her maid (AKA "slave"), Hagar. Let us all praise Yahweh for delivering us slaves we can bang to solve our procreation problems!

Sarai doesn't like Hagar's disapproving looks, so she beats the shit out of her.

The angel of God (who he?) finds Hagar and gives her good news! God has been listening, and this line of slave-rape babies will be fruitful and multiply. Oh, and go back to your abusive mistress.

Your son will be a wild-ass, and he is to be named "Ishmael" ("God listens"). What a blessing to lucky Hagar that God has paid close attention as she's been livin' large in God's green Earth! It's a wonder that she didn't invent the "Life is good" t-shirts.