Genesis 19

1And there came two angels to Sodom at even; and Lot sat in the gate of Sodom: and Lot seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground;

2And he said, Behold now, my lords, turn in, I pray you, into your servant's house, and tarry all night, and wash your feet, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they said, Nay; but we will abide in the street all night.

3And he pressed upon them greatly; and they turned in unto him, and entered into his house; and he made them a feast, and did bake unleavened bread, and they did eat.

4But before they lay down, the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter:

5And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.

6And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him,

7And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly.

8Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.

9And they said, Stand back. And they said again, This one fellow came in to sojourn, and he will needs be a judge: now will we deal worse with thee, than with them. And they pressed sore upon the man, even Lot, and came near to break the door.

10But the men put forth their hand, and pulled Lot into the house to them, and shut to the door.

11And they smote the men that were at the door of the house with blindness, both small and great: so that they wearied themselves to find the door.

12And the men said unto Lot, Hast thou here any besides? son in law, and thy sons, and thy daughters, and whatsoever thou hast in the city, bring them out of this place:

13For we will destroy this place, because the cry of them is waxen great before the face of the LORD; and the LORD hath sent us to destroy it.

14And Lot went out, and spake unto his sons in law, which married his daughters, and said, Up, get you out of this place; for the LORD will destroy this city. But he seemed as one that mocked unto his sons in law.

15And when the morning arose, then the angels hastened Lot, saying, Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daughters, which are here; lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of the city.

16And while he lingered, the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters; the LORD being merciful unto him: and they brought him forth, and set him without the city.

17And it came to pass, when they had brought them forth abroad, that he said, Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the plain; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed.

18And Lot said unto them, Oh, not so, my LORD:

19Behold now, thy servant hath found grace in thy sight, and thou hast magnified thy mercy, which thou hast shewed unto me in saving my life; and I cannot escape to the mountain, lest some evil take me, and I die:

20Behold now, this city is near to flee unto, and it is a little one: Oh, let me escape thither, (is it not a little one?) and my soul shall live.

21And he said unto him, See, I have accepted thee concerning this thing also, that I will not overthrow this city, for the which thou hast spoken.

22Haste thee, escape thither; for I cannot do anything till thou be come thither. Therefore the name of the city was called Zoar.

23The sun was risen upon the earth when Lot entered into Zoar.

24Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven;

25And he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground.

26But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.

27And Abraham gat up early in the morning to the place where he stood before the LORD:

28And he looked toward Sodom and Gomorrah, and toward all the land of the plain, and beheld, and, lo, the smoke of the country went up as the smoke of a furnace.

29And it came to pass, when God destroyed the cities of the plain, that God remembered Abraham, and sent Lot out of the midst of the overthrow, when he overthrew the cities in the which Lot dwelt.

30And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters.

31And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:

32Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

33And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

34And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

35And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

36Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.

37And the first born bare a son, and called his name Moab: the same is the father of the Moabites unto this day.

38And the younger, she also bare a son, and called his name Benammi: the same is the father of the children of Ammon unto this day.

Speaking of Paul McCartney, it seems the popular greeting in Biblical days was "man, I can smell your feet a mile away." If you visit someone's house, and the first thing you hear is "wash your feet," those stinky tootsies are going to exit stage left, no?

It's no wonder that Sodom can't scrape together 10 decent souls, if the best people they have are Lot and his two daughters.

O.T. family values are quite a standard to live up to: Lot offers up his married-virgin daughters to a vicious mob, and then the girls slip him a mickey and rape him. (Old joke: "I knew a girl named 'Virginia.' They called her 'Virgin' for short. But not for long!")

Maybe God should have said, "Don't look back, or I'll turn you into a fucking pillar of salt." Lot's wife might have thought twice about it. No one knows her first name (How about "Pepper"? It worked for Angie Dickinson). At least she inspired this sublime verse:

The fates are vicious and they're cruel.
You learn too late you've used two wishes like a fool.
And then you're someone you are not,
And Junction City ain't the spot.
Remember Mrs. Lot
And when she turned around?
And if you've got no other choice,
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town.

Finally, in another of a series of apparent red herrings, Lot is afraid of some evil in the mountains, so God saves a whole town for him. Then Lot goes and hides out in those mountains to be safe. Was he being an idiot, or was he gaming the God system?

Genesis 18

1And the LORD appeared unto him in the plains of Mamre: and he sat in the tent door in the heat of the day;

2And he lift up his eyes and looked, and, lo, three men stood by him: and when he saw them, he ran to meet them from the tent door, and bowed himself toward the ground,

3And said, My LORD, if now I have found favour in thy sight, pass not away, I pray thee, from thy servant:

4Let a little water, I pray you, be fetched, and wash your feet, and rest yourselves under the tree:

5And I will fetch a morsel of bread, and comfort ye your hearts; after that ye shall pass on: for therefore are ye come to your servant. And they said, So do, as thou hast said.

6And Abraham hastened into the tent unto Sarah, and said, Make ready quickly three measures of fine meal, knead it, and make cakes upon the hearth.

7And Abraham ran unto the herd, and fetcht a calf tender and good, and gave it unto a young man; and he hasted to dress it.

8And he took butter, and milk, and the calf which he had dressed, and set it before them; and he stood by them under the tree, and they did eat.

9And they said unto him, Where is Sarah thy wife? And he said, Behold, in the tent.

10And he said, I will certainly return unto thee according to the time of life; and, lo, Sarah thy wife shall have a son. And Sarah heard it in the tent door, which was behind him.

11Now Abraham and Sarah were old and well stricken in age; and it ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women.

12Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?

13And the LORD said unto Abraham, Wherefore did Sarah laugh, saying, Shall I of a surety bear a child, which am old?

14Is any thing too hard for the LORD? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.

15Then Sarah denied, saying, I laughed not; for she was afraid. And he said, Nay; but thou didst laugh.

16And the men rose up from thence, and looked toward Sodom: and Abraham went with them to bring them on the way.

17And the LORD said, Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do;

18Seeing that Abraham shall surely become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed in him?

19For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.

20And the LORD said, Because the cry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and because their sin is very grievous;

21I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know.

22And the men turned their faces from thence, and went toward Sodom: but Abraham stood yet before the LORD.

23And Abraham drew near, and said, Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked?

24Peradventure there be fifty righteous within the city: wilt thou also destroy and not spare the place for the fifty righteous that are therein?

25That be far from thee to do after this manner, to slay the righteous with the wicked: and that the righteous should be as the wicked, that be far from thee: Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?

26And the LORD said, If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes.

27And Abraham answered and said, Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto the LORD, which am but dust and ashes:

28Peradventure there shall lack five of the fifty righteous: wilt thou destroy all the city for lack of five? And he said, If I find there forty and five, I will not destroy it.

29And he spake unto him yet again, and said, Peradventure there shall be forty found there. And he said, I will not do it for forty's sake.

30And he said unto him, Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak: Peradventure there shall thirty be found there. And he said, I will not do it, if I find thirty there.

31And he said, Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto the LORD: Peradventure there shall be twenty found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for twenty's sake.

32And he said, Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak yet but this once: Peradventure ten shall be found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for ten's sake.

33And the LORD went his way, as soon as he had left communing with Abraham: and Abraham returned unto his place.

This is certainly the funniest chapter so far.

First, we have Sarah denying laughing at God, and God firing back: "You are so busted."

Then Abraham dashes about like Basil Fawlty, trying to assemble a spread fit for a king of kings.

And, finally, there's Abraham's haggling with the Big Guy, "jewing him down," as they say, to ten righteous folk being the ticket to saving Sodom.

I was a mite confused by the references to the LORD and the three men at Abraham's tent. Was this some sort of Trinity 1.0, where the three men were God, were they God's posse, or what? O come, one of ye faithful, and set me straight on this.

H/T to Paul McCartney for teaching me the word "peradventure" not long ago. It's a fancy word for "perhaps."

Genesis 17

1And when Abram was ninety years old and nine, the LORD appeared to Abram, and said unto him, I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect.

2And I will make my covenant between me and thee, and will multiply thee exceedingly.

3And Abram fell on his face: and God talked with him, saying,

4As for me, behold, my covenant is with thee, and thou shalt be a father of many nations.

5Neither shall thy name any more be called Abram, but thy name shall be Abraham; for a father of many nations have I made thee.

6And I will make thee exceeding fruitful, and I will make nations of thee, and kings shall come out of thee.

7And I will establish my covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee in their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be a God unto thee, and to thy seed after thee.

8And I will give unto thee, and to thy seed after thee, the land wherein thou art a stranger, all the land of Canaan, for an everlasting possession; and I will be their God.

9And God said unto Abraham, Thou shalt keep my covenant therefore, thou, and thy seed after thee in their generations.

10This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; Every man child among you shall be circumcised.

11And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you.

12And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every man child in your generations, he that is born in the house, or bought with money of any stranger, which is not of thy seed.

13He that is born in thy house, and he that is bought with thy money, must needs be circumcised: and my covenant shall be in your flesh for an everlasting covenant.

14And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken my covenant.

15And God said unto Abraham, As for Sarai thy wife, thou shalt not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall her name be.

16And I will bless her, and give thee a son also of her: yea, I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people shall be of her.

17Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear?

18And Abraham said unto God, O that Ishmael might live before thee!

19And God said, Sarah thy wife shall bear thee a son indeed; and thou shalt call his name Isaac: and I will establish my covenant with him for an everlasting covenant, and with his seed after him.

20And as for Ishmael, I have heard thee: Behold, I have blessed him, and will make him fruitful, and will multiply him exceedingly; twelve princes shall he beget, and I will make him a great nation.

21But my covenant will I establish with Isaac, which Sarah shall bear unto thee at this set time in the next year.

22And he left off talking with him, and God went up from Abraham.

23And Abraham took Ishmael his son, and all that were born in his house, and all that were bought with his money, every male among the men of Abraham's house; and circumcised the flesh of their foreskin in the selfsame day, as God had said unto him.

24And Abraham was ninety years old and nine, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.

25And Ishmael his son was thirteen years old, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.

26In the selfsame day was Abraham circumcised, and Ishmael his son.

27And all the men of his house, born in the house, and bought with money of the stranger, were circumcised with him.

This is a great chapter for you circumcision fans out there. Once God said the word, the Canaan County Choppers got pretty busy.

This does raise the question of why man has a foreskin if God is so intent on slicing it off?

We're made in his image, so you gotta wonder: did he get a trim job on his own manhood (or Godhood)? OK, maybe you didn't wonder. Me neither. Let's move on....

Now, if someone says "stick with me, you're going to be perfect... just cut off your foreskin and those of the people you've bought," shouldn't you ask a couple of questions?

Well, even Abe was ROTFL when God said his 90-year-old infertile wife was going to bear children.

Again we see God milking his old material. How many times are we going to hear him promise a lot of kids to Abra(ha)m?

The one-eyed-snake shedding aside, God is certainly an unusual negotiator. Seems if you want to cut a deal with him, you have to change your name. If I were Abram or Sarai, I'd definitely have a good lawyer take a look at those covenants.

Genesis 16

1Now Sarai Abram's wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar.

2And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai.

3And Sarai Abram's wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife.

4And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes.

5And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the LORD judge between me and thee.

6But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face.

7And the angel of the LORD found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur.

8And he said, Hagar, Sarai's maid, whence camest thou? and whither wilt thou go? And she said, I flee from the face of my mistress Sarai.

9And the angel of the LORD said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands.

10And the angel of the LORD said unto her, I will multiply thy seed exceedingly, that it shall not be numbered for multitude.

11And the angel of the LORD said unto her, Behold, thou art with child and shalt bear a son, and shalt call his name Ishmael; because the LORD hath heard thy affliction.

12And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren.

13And she called the name of the LORD that spake unto her, Thou God seest me: for she said, Have I also here looked after him that seeth me?

14Wherefore the well was called Beerlahairoi; behold, it is between Kadesh and Bered.

15And Hagar bare Abram a son: and Abram called his son's name, which Hagar bare, Ishmael.

16And Abram was fourscore and six years old, when Hagar bare Ishmael to Abram.

Well, it looks like Sarai was the infertile one after all, so I guess Mr. Genesis Writer Man uses "seed" to mean "kids," rather than sperm, because Abram had the latter, but not the former.

Sarai comes up with a handy plan: Abram will fuck her maid (AKA "slave"), Hagar. Let us all praise Yahweh for delivering us slaves we can bang to solve our procreation problems!

Sarai doesn't like Hagar's disapproving looks, so she beats the shit out of her.

The angel of God (who he?) finds Hagar and gives her good news! God has been listening, and this line of slave-rape babies will be fruitful and multiply. Oh, and go back to your abusive mistress.

Your son will be a wild-ass, and he is to be named "Ishmael" ("God listens"). What a blessing to lucky Hagar that God has paid close attention as she's been livin' large in God's green Earth! It's a wonder that she didn't invent the "Life is good" t-shirts.

Genesis 15

1After these things the word of the LORD came unto Abram in a vision, saying, Fear not, Abram: I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward.

2And Abram said, LORD God, what wilt thou give me, seeing I go childless, and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus?

3And Abram said, Behold, to me thou hast given no seed: and, lo, one born in my house is mine heir.

4And, behold, the word of the LORD came unto him, saying, This shall not be thine heir; but he that shall come forth out of thine own bowels shall be thine heir.

5And he brought him forth abroad, and said, Look now toward heaven, and tell the stars, if thou be able to number them: and he said unto him, So shall thy seed be.

6And he believed in the LORD; and he counted it to him for righteousness.

7And he said unto him, I am the LORD that brought thee out of Ur of the Chaldees, to give thee this land to inherit it.

8And he said, LORD God, whereby shall I know that I shall inherit it?

9And he said unto him, Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon.

10And he took unto him all these, and divided them in the midst, and laid each piece one against another: but the birds divided he not.

11And when the fowls came down upon the carcases, Abram drove them away.

12And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him.

13And he said unto Abram, Know of a surety that thy seed shall be a stranger in a land that is not theirs, and shall serve them; and they shall afflict them four hundred years;

14And also that nation, whom they shall serve, will I judge: and afterward shall they come out with great substance.

15And thou shalt go to thy fathers in peace; thou shalt be buried in a good old age.

16But in the fourth generation they shall come hither again: for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet full.

17And it came to pass, that, when the sun went down, and it was dark, behold a smoking furnace, and a burning lamp that passed between those pieces.

18In the same day the LORD made a covenant with Abram, saying, Unto thy seed have I given this land, from the river of Egypt unto the great river, the river Euphrates:

19The Kenites, and the Kenizzites, and the Kadmonites,

20And the Hittites, and the Perizzites, and the Rephaims,

21And the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Girgashites, and the Jebusites.

Among Abram's accomplishments, it appears that he was the first guy to get a second opinion.

In Genesis 11:30, we hear that his wife, Sarai, was barren. Here, it sounds likes he's shooting blanks.

In any case, he frets that without any heirs his estate will go to a servant.

But God has great news, a baby will come out of Abram's bowels. Yeesh, I remember cringing when my dad called me "fruit of his loins."

In fact, he's proming Abe supersperm to rival Big Bank Hank's, or even Colbert's Formula 401.

I've never been to a fertility clinic. Do they still use the classic procedure: ritually sacrificing a heifer, a she-goat, and a ram (all three-year-olds, of course), plus a turtledove of an uncertain age, and a barely legal pigeon? This latter ingredient could answer an age-old question: why do you never see baby pigeons?

Unlike his unlucky mammals, Abram didn't slice the birds in half, and it shows what compassion will get you, as other (according to various translations) birds vie for beakfuls of the bloody tribute.

That night, Abram has a bad dream (quelle suprise!).

The "horror of great darkness" is followed by the pronoun "he," which clearly refers to God.

That seems appropriate enough, because God promises Abram's offspring 400 years of miserable servitude, after which things'll lighten up. Such a deal!

Stay tuned...

My apologizes to God and to my readers.

Getting a bit tied up in personal stuff, including preparation for a holiday with trees and presents that's enjoyed by many atheists, so posting's going to be rather spotty for the next several days.

I hope you're having fun with and learning something from BS4A. I know I am, so I'll try to get another chapter or two in by the end of the year and plan to get back to the daily schedule thereafter.

In the meantime, I will be posting daily at the Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy, cross-posting and commenting at the award-winning CorrenteWire (hooray to "The Ten"), and trying to figure out — and, ideally, corrupt — the True Believers who visit Martian Anthropologist.

Even if your Christmas isn't white, and if your God isn't real, I truly hope the blessings of the wonderful holiday season are in store for you and yours!

Genesis 14

1And it came to pass in the days of Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Chedorlaomer king of Elam, and Tidal king of nations;

2That these made war with Bera king of Sodom, and with Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, and Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, which is Zoar.

3All these were joined together in the vale of Siddim, which is the salt sea.

4Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year they rebelled.

5And in the fourteenth year came Chedorlaomer, and the kings that were with him, and smote the Rephaims in Ashteroth Karnaim, and the Zuzims in Ham, and the Emins in Shaveh Kiriathaim,

6And the Horites in their mount Seir, unto Elparan, which is by the wilderness.

7And they returned, and came to Enmishpat, which is Kadesh, and smote all the country of the Amalekites, and also the Amorites, that dwelt in Hazezontamar.

8And there went out the king of Sodom, and the king of Gomorrah, and the king of Admah, and the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (the same is Zoar;) and they joined battle with them in the vale of Siddim;

9With Chedorlaomer the king of Elam, and with Tidal king of nations, and Amraphel king of Shinar, and Arioch king of Ellasar; four kings with five.

10And the vale of Siddim was full of slimepits; and the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, and fell there; and they that remained fled to the mountain.

11And they took all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah, and all their victuals, and went their way.

12And they took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed.

13And there came one that had escaped, and told Abram the Hebrew; for he dwelt in the plain of Mamre the Amorite, brother of Eshcol, and brother of Aner: and these were confederate with Abram.

14And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants, born in his own house, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued them unto Dan.

15And he divided himself against them, he and his servants, by night, and smote them, and pursued them unto Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus.

16And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot, and his goods, and the women also, and the people.

17And the king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return from the slaughter of Chedorlaomer, and of the kings that were with him, at the valley of Shaveh, which is the king's dale.

18And Melchizedek king of Salem brought forth bread and wine: and he was the priest of the most high God.

19And he blessed him, and said, Blessed be Abram of the most high God, possessor of heaven and earth:

20And blessed be the most high God, which hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand. And he gave him tithes of all.

21And the king of Sodom said unto Abram, Give me the persons, and take the goods to thyself.

22And Abram said to the king of Sodom, I have lift up mine hand unto the LORD, the most high God, the possessor of heaven and earth,

23That I will not take from a thread even to a shoelatchet, and that I will not take any thing that is thine, lest thou shouldest say, I have made Abram rich:

24Save only that which the young men have eaten, and the portion of the men which went with me, Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre; let them take their portion.

This one gets a bit thick with kings and countries, so you might want to opt for a more user-friendly version, like the New Living Translation.

What we learn in this chapter is that Abram got game — he wins a difficult battle. He's sassy, too, telling a grateful king that his cash is nothing but trash.

Though God is blatantly on his side, there's no implication that Abram's military success was due to divine intervention.

The relationship between God's promises to Abram and the results looks like an important question for understanding the role Yahweh is supposed to play in our lives.

Does God merely know what will happen, or does he ordain it? Free will hangs in the balance, no?

Genesis 13

1And Abram went up out of Egypt, he, and his wife, and all that he had, and Lot with him, into the south.

2And Abram was very rich in cattle, in silver, and in gold.

3And he went on his journeys from the south even to Bethel, unto the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Hai;

4Unto the place of the altar, which he had make there at the first: and there Abram called on the name of the LORD.

5And Lot also, which went with Abram, had flocks, and herds, and tents.

6And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together.

7And there was a strife between the herdmen of Abram's cattle and the herdmen of Lot's cattle: and the Canaanite and the Perizzite dwelled then in the land.

8And Abram said unto Lot, Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, and between my herdmen and thy herdmen; for we be brethren.

9Is not the whole land before thee? separate thyself, I pray thee, from me: if thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left.

10And Lot lifted up his eyes, and beheld all the plain of Jordan, that it was well watered every where, before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, even as the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt, as thou comest unto Zoar.

11Then Lot chose him all the plain of Jordan; and Lot journeyed east: and they separated themselves the one from the other.

12Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in the cities of the plain, and pitched his tent toward Sodom.

13But the men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the LORD exceedingly.

14And the LORD said unto Abram, after that Lot was separated from him, Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward:

15For all the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever.

16And I will make thy seed as the dust of the earth: so that if a man can number the dust of the earth, then shall thy seed also be numbered.

17Arise, walk through the land in the length of it and in the breadth of it; for I will give it unto thee.

18Then Abram removed his tent, and came and dwelt in the plain of Mamre, which is in Hebron, and built there an altar unto the LORD.

Abram and Lot are so laden with bling that one town ain't big enough for the both of them.

How did they get that stuff? In particular, are Abram's possessions what he got for whoring out his wife to the Pharaoh? Did God hand him a wad of cash? Because Abram is obviously the Big Guy's main man.

And why is that? Did he earn that special status somehow, like maybe he flossed three times a day?

In this chapter, we hear that God's gearing up for another round of mass destruction, in "wicked" Sodom and Gomorrah. Here's hoping we'll get an idea of what that's all about, as opposed to the old "I say man is violent, so I'm killing almost everybody and everything" deal.

Once Lot is safely out of earshot, God tells Abram which of his children he likes best, and his initials are "A." Hmm, I wonder when they invented last names....

Yes, one day, all everything is going to be yours, Abe. Just 'cause.

Well, Abram has that goin' for him, which is nice. And the least he could do was build an altar to his benefactor, which he does. I promise that if God gives me everything in the world, I'll build him one, too!

Genesis 12

1Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will shew thee:

2And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing:

3And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.

4So Abram departed, as the LORD had spoken unto him; and Lot went with him: and Abram was seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran.

5And Abram took Sarai his wife, and Lot his brother's son, and all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls that they had gotten in Haran; and they went forth to go into the land of Canaan; and into the land of Canaan they came.

6And Abram passed through the land unto the place of Sichem, unto the plain of Moreh. And the Canaanite was then in the land.

7And the LORD appeared unto Abram, and said, Unto thy seed will I give this land: and there builded he an altar unto the LORD, who appeared unto him.

8And he removed from thence unto a mountain on the east of Bethel, and pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west, and Hai on the east: and there he builded an altar unto the LORD, and called upon the name of the LORD.

9And Abram journeyed, going on still toward the south.

10And there was a famine in the land: and Abram went down into Egypt to sojourn there; for the famine was grievous in the land.

11And it came to pass, when he was come near to enter into Egypt, that he said unto Sarai his wife, Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon:

12Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive.

13Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that it may be well with me for thy sake; and my soul shall live because of thee.

14And it came to pass, that, when Abram was come into Egypt, the Egyptians beheld the woman that she was very fair.

15The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh's house.

16And he entreated Abram well for her sake: and he had sheep, and oxen, and he asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she asses, and camels.

17And the LORD plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai Abram's wife.

18And Pharaoh called Abram and said, What is this that thou hast done unto me? why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife?

19Why saidst thou, She is my sister? so I might have taken her to me to wife: now therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way.

20And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him: and they sent him away, and his wife, and all that he had.

To me, there were two points of interest in this story. First of all, Abram (who, I have it on good authority, will later be known as "Abraham," a famous personage in the Big Three monotheistic religions) is the Bible's first made man, unless you count Noah, who — if he had to travel steerage class — was certainly God's pet during Katrina I. But God is clearly setting up Abram to be a major dude.

Intriguingly, though, it seems that the Pharaoh is the hero of this variation on the plot of Days of Heaven, Love and Death, et al., as a married couple pretends to be brother and sister to get better treatment when the comely young woman attracts the attention of a powerful man.

I'm not sure what the traditional message is supposed to be, but it seems that the Pharaoh was mighty reasonable about it all. It's surely quite rare when a Pharaoh is played for a fool and seeks no revenge, in this case just letting the tricksters go on their merry way.

God's harsh punishment of the Pharaoh for his unknowing act of adultery seems typically unfair. It's not clear whether the Pharaoh is lenient because he figures that Abram is in tight with God, or if he's simply being decent about it.

If the Bible is to be the ultimate authority on right and wrong, as is so often claimed, it's interesting to see an ambiguous story, where an annointed one is on morally dubious ground, as compared to a feared person in power.

Genesis 11

1And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech.

2And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar; and they dwelt there.

3And they said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them thoroughly. And they had brick for stone, and slime had they for morter.

4And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth.

5And the LORD came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of men builded.

6And the LORD said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do.

7Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another's speech.

8So the LORD scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of all the earth: and they left off to build the city.

9Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the LORD did there confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did the LORD scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth.

10These are the generations of Shem: Shem was an hundred years old, and begat Arphaxad two years after the flood:

11And Shem lived after he begat Arphaxad five hundred years, and begat sons and daughters.

12And Arphaxad lived five and thirty years, and begat Salah:

13And Arphaxad lived after he begat Salah four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters.

14And Salah lived thirty years, and begat Eber:

15And Salah lived after he begat Eber four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters.

16And Eber lived four and thirty years, and begat Peleg:

17And Eber lived after he begat Peleg four hundred and thirty years, and begat sons and daughters.

18And Peleg lived thirty years, and begat Reu:

19And Peleg lived after he begat Reu two hundred and nine years, and begat sons and daughters.

20And Reu lived two and thirty years, and begat Serug:

21And Reu lived after he begat Serug two hundred and seven years, and begat sons and daughters.

22And Serug lived thirty years, and begat Nahor:

23And Serug lived after he begat Nahor two hundred years, and begat sons and daughters.

24And Nahor lived nine and twenty years, and begat Terah:

25And Nahor lived after he begat Terah an hundred and nineteen years, and begat sons and daughters.

26And Terah lived seventy years, and begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran.

27Now these are the generations of Terah: Terah begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran; and Haran begat Lot.

28And Haran died before his father Terah in the land of his nativity, in Ur of the Chaldees.

29And Abram and Nahor took them wives: the name of Abram's wife was Sarai; and the name of Nahor's wife, Milcah, the daughter of Haran, the father of Milcah, and the father of Iscah.

30But Sarai was barren; she had no child.

31And Terah took Abram his son, and Lot the son of Haran his son's son, and Sarai his daughter in law, his son Abram's wife; and they went forth with them from Ur of the Chaldees, to go into the land of Canaan; and they came unto Haran, and dwelt there.

32And the days of Terah were two hundred and five years: and Terah died in Haran.

Ah, the Tower of Babel story.

I could see how this could be a reasonable message — if God had made it clear that there was a right way and a wrong way to get to Heaven, that you had to earn it through good deeds. But God doesn't seem to have provided any kind of guidance beyond don't kill each other, and he's been a piss-poor role model, with his barely justified and outrageously excessive punishments.

It seems that the people who built the tower were demonstrating a healthy desire for togetherness and an impressive aptitude for teamwork.

God, in what seems to be a continuing theme, is jealous of man's ascent, and he decides to fuck us up by making it harder for us to communicate with each other and by breaking up a happily tight-knit culture.

This holiday season, if you're shopping for a God, see if you can find one who wants man to aspire to the greatest heights possible, not an insecure one bent on cutting us down.

Genesis 10

1Now these are the generations of the sons of Noah, Shem, Ham, and Japheth: and unto them were sons born after the flood.

2The sons of Japheth; Gomer, and Magog, and Madai, and Javan, and Tubal, and Meshech, and Tiras.

3And the sons of Gomer; Ashkenaz, and Riphath, and Togarmah.

4And the sons of Javan; Elishah, and Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim.

5By these were the isles of the Gentiles divided in their lands; every one after his tongue, after their families, in their nations.

6And the sons of Ham; Cush, and Mizraim, and Phut, and Canaan.

7And the sons of Cush; Seba, and Havilah, and Sabtah, and Raamah, and Sabtechah: and the sons of Raamah; Sheba, and Dedan.

8And Cush begat Nimrod: he began to be a mighty one in the earth.

9He was a mighty hunter before the LORD: wherefore it is said, Even as Nimrod the mighty hunter before the LORD.

10And the beginning of his kingdom was Babel, and Erech, and Accad, and Calneh, in the land of Shinar.

11Out of that land went forth Asshur, and builded Nineveh, and the city Rehoboth, and Calah,

12And Resen between Nineveh and Calah: the same is a great city.

13And Mizraim begat Ludim, and Anamim, and Lehabim, and Naphtuhim,

14And Pathrusim, and Casluhim, (out of whom came Philistim,) and Caphtorim.

15And Canaan begat Sidon his first born, and Heth,

16And the Jebusite, and the Amorite, and the Girgasite,

17And the Hivite, and the Arkite, and the Sinite,

18And the Arvadite, and the Zemarite, and the Hamathite: and afterward were the families of the Canaanites spread abroad.

19And the border of the Canaanites was from Sidon, as thou comest to Gerar, unto Gaza; as thou goest, unto Sodom, and Gomorrah, and Admah, and Zeboim, even unto Lasha.

20These are the sons of Ham, after their families, after their tongues, in their countries, and in their nations.

21Unto Shem also, the father of all the children of Eber, the brother of Japheth the elder, even to him were children born.

22The children of Shem; Elam, and Asshur, and Arphaxad, and Lud, and Aram.

23And the children of Aram; Uz, and Hul, and Gether, and Mash.

24And Arphaxad begat Salah; and Salah begat Eber.

25And unto Eber were born two sons: the name of one was Peleg; for in his days was the earth divided; and his brother's name was Joktan.

26And Joktan begat Almodad, and Sheleph, and Hazarmaveth, and Jerah,

27And Hadoram, and Uzal, and Diklah,

28And Obal, and Abimael, and Sheba,

29And Ophir, and Havilah, and Jobab: all these were the sons of Joktan.

30And their dwelling was from Mesha, as thou goest unto Sephar a mount of the east.

31These are the sons of Shem, after their families, after their tongues, in their lands, after their nations.

32These are the families of the sons of Noah, after their generations, in their nations: and by these were the nations divided in the earth after the flood.

Time to take another look at the family tree. We get down about fourteen generations, and there's a total of four named women, and we have never heard once about the births of any of them (unless you count the spare-rib story).

No wonder every single priest and pastor in the world is gay. OK, some of them aren't gay. Some of them just throw puppies out of moving vehicles.

Females are invisible to these people, so if you miraculously have a daughter (where do they come from?), a parochial school is the safest place for her. Because these fellows don't notice those little plaid skirts. For them, it's man-on-man action on every page, the way Mark Foley likes it. And where did he learn it?

Genesis 9

1And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.

2And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered.

3Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.

4But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat.

5And surely your blood of your lives will I require; at the hand of every beast will I require it, and at the hand of man; at the hand of every man's brother will I require the life of man.

6Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man.

7And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein.

8And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying,

9And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you;

10And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth.

11And I will establish my covenant with you, neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.

12And God said, This is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations:

13I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth.

14And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud:

15And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh.

16And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth.

17And God said unto Noah, This is the token of the covenant, which I have established between me and all flesh that is upon the earth.

18And the sons of Noah, that went forth of the ark, were Shem, and Ham, and Japheth: and Ham is the father of Canaan.

19These are the three sons of Noah: and of them was the whole earth overspread.

20And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard:

21And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent.

22And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without.

23And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness.

24And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him.

25And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.

26And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.

27God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.

28And Noah lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years.

29And all the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years: and he died.

Long before Bill Maher, we had the original New Rules, and this installment includes man getting to eat all the other animals, except for ones that are still alive. Mmm terrier!

And all the animals are afraid of us. I guess it's time to take bears off the Threatdown, lose the shark repellent, and unplug the Mosquito Magnet.

Another cool rule is that God requires our blood. The context is a little jumbled, as it segues into eye-for-an-eye type stuff about killing, but it sounds like he requires our blood on general principles. Creepy that.

But there's more to our skies than blood-red, as God promises us rainbows. I do hope that Lisa Frank does a Genesis book. What could be cuter than seeing Noah and his family, sitting under a rainbow and eating a unicorn?

Once again, God swears off killing everybody in a flood. Nice to be reassured.

It seems that God repeats himself a lot. Doesn't seem necessary. When Yahweh talks, E.F. Hutton and everybody else is likely to listen.

And one thing he repeats is that Noah and sons should be fruitful and multiply.

While 600-something Noah stays home and plants seeds, his sons set about "overspreading" the earth with their seed. Could be their wives were somehow involved in the multiplying, but heaven forfend that those labor-pain-deserving bitches get a mention.

Gen 9 wraps with an odd little tale of a bare-assed Noah drinking himself into a stupor, and then freaking out when his sons cover him up.

Noah does the reasonable thing: he banishes the son who found him that way to be a slave to the brothers — one of whom he exhorts God to "enlarge" (I don't want to know) — who covered him up.

Genesis 8

1And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters assuaged;

2The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained;

3And the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.

4And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat.

5And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.

6And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made:

7And he sent forth a raven, which went forth to and fro, until the waters were dried up from off the earth.

8Also he sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground;

9But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark.

10And he stayed yet other seven days; and again he sent forth the dove out of the ark;

11And the dove came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth.

12And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more.

13And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.

14And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried.

15And God spake unto Noah, saying,

16Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons' wives with thee.

17Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth.

18And Noah went forth, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him:

19Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the ark.

20And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.

21And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.

22While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.

After all the Godly fun of near-total death and destruction, Noah's various attempts to figure out if the ground is dry are pretty anticlimactic — especially since God was just going to tell him that the coast was, well, back.

Again, we wonder which animals are the clean ones, this time with the doves. Are they pigeons in sheeps's coloring or pure as driven snow? Apparently, it's the latter, since they survived the disappearance of one of their number.

Perhaps it's not such a great deal to be a clean animal, since some of them survived what FEMA would call a 6000-year flood only to be burned as a sacrifice to the diety that had just massacred the rest of their species. God finds this bonus killing a "sweet savour." He's a cruel man, but fair.

Then, apparently James Baker's Earth Study Group report came in, because God suddenly realizes that there's no point in killing almost everything and everybody, after all (not that he expresses any regrets over having just done so).

Why? He decides that the likes of you and me are evil from our youth.

Back at you, sir!

Genesis 7

1And the LORD said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation.

2Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.

3Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.

4For yet seven days, and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth.

5And Noah did according unto all that the LORD commanded him.

6And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth.

7And Noah went in, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him, into the ark, because of the waters of the flood.

8Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth,

9There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah.

10And it came to pass after seven days, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth.

11In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.

12And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.

13In the selfsame day entered Noah, and Shem, and Ham, and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah's wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the ark;

14They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort.

15And they went in unto Noah into the ark, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life.

16And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God had commanded him: and the LORD shut him in.

17And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bare up the ark, and it was lift up above the earth.

18And the waters prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the ark went upon the face of the waters.

19And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.

20Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered.

21And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man:

22All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.

23And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.

24And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days.

One kind of creature doesn't seem to have gotten onto that ark: an editor.

Last chapter, it was "of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female." Here, it's fourteen for each of the clean ones.

I wonder how many dogs they took. I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy, but they're definitely dirty.

It appears that once Noah finished the ark, God gave him a week to gather all those pairs or fourteens of animals and load 'em up. One week to sail to every continent and wrangle all the species, the penguins, the malamutes, the koala bears, and the cherry-faced meadowhawk dragonflies. If a 600-year-old man could do all that, let's pray to him, instead of the ringer with the supernatural powers.

This chapter certainly meets the standards of the Department of Redundancy Department (did you say it was going to rain for 40 days and nights?), but maybe that's to lull you into a calm before a storm of raging death without equal.

Verses #21-#23 are a celebration of a nearly perfect genocide against the entire animal kingdom. If I'm not going to forgive Grady Little, I'm certainly not going to forgive this dude.

Genesis 6

1And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,

2That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.

3And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.

4There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.

5And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.

6And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.

7And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.

8But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD.

9These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God.

10And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

11The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence.

12And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth.

13And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.

14Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch.

15And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits.

16A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it.

17And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die.

18But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee.

19And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female.

20Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.

21And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.

22Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.

Verse #1: After a mere 10 generations, we find out that women are actually born. The Bible isn't so sexist after all!

Verse #2: Uh-oh. Apparently, all these girls were hot, and you could choose as many as you wanted for wives. Surf City's "two girls for every boy" suddenly sounds pretty shabby.

I'm beginning to worry that we're going to encounter the phrase "no fat chicks" in here somewhere. I wonder what that is in Aramaic....

Oh, by the way, there might be giants in the mix. Not sure if that means some of the people we're reading about are real tall-like, or if Mr. Anonymous Bible-Writer Man is dropping fantasy plotcrumbs around, like Damon Lindelof and Carleton Cuse giving us the stray glance at a tropical polar bear or a man-crushing smoke monster.

Some other editions call these giants Nephilim. Apparently we're going to hear from them later, possibly after a long hiatus consisting of clip shows and reruns.

No matter what version of #4 I look at, I can't figure out the relationship between the giants story and the, er, coming "in unto the daughters of men," resulting in mighty male babies. In any case, those men shouldn't get too all high and mighty, because...

The big story of this chapter is that God's just not that into us.

His spirit isn't going to stay with us mortals, he cuts our life span down to a lousy 120 years, and he decides we're violent.

And he's going to do just what you'd expect the greatest guy in the universe to do: killing virtually every living thing.

I know he's God and all, but shouldn't he have put together some kind of a case? Did he just declare us all enemy combatants, and that's that? I'd rather pray to the good graces of Dinsdale Piranha than this itchy-triggered bastard.

But the good news is that God commissions Noah to preserve just enough of each species to preserve some very incestuous bloodlines.

God says that everything on the earth will die, which includes all the ocean creatures. Did Noah build an aquarium on the ship? Did he have all the insects and everything? Did he have to keep a giant and his fair giantess in tow?

I'm surprised anything survived on a boat crammed with such living cargo, let alone every single species that was going to keep on keeping on after the flood.

Not one creature ate another one, or died from any of the cornucopia of germs that were being preserved on the ark?

I guess it's true: safe boating is no accident.

Genesis 5

1This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him;

2Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created.

3And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth:

4And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years: and he begat sons and daughters:

5And all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years: and he died.

6And Seth lived an hundred and five years, and begat Enos:

7And Seth lived after he begat Enos eight hundred and seven years, and begat sons and daughters:

8And all the days of Seth were nine hundred and twelve years: and he died.

9And Enos lived ninety years, and begat Cainan:

10And Enos lived after he begat Cainan eight hundred and fifteen years, and begat sons and daughters:

11And all the days of Enos were nine hundred and five years: and he died.

12And Cainan lived seventy years and begat Mahalaleel:

13And Cainan lived after he begat Mahalaleel eight hundred and forty years, and begat sons and daughters:

14And all the days of Cainan were nine hundred and ten years: and he died.

15And Mahalaleel lived sixty and five years, and begat Jared:

16And Mahalaleel lived after he begat Jared eight hundred and thirty years, and begat sons and daughters:

17And all the days of Mahalaleel were eight hundred ninety and five years: and he died.

18And Jared lived an hundred sixty and two years, and he begat Enoch:

19And Jared lived after he begat Enoch eight hundred years, and begat sons and daughters:

20And all the days of Jared were nine hundred sixty and two years: and he died.

21And Enoch lived sixty and five years, and begat Methuselah:

22And Enoch walked with God after he begat Methuselah three hundred years, and begat sons and daughters:

23And all the days of Enoch were three hundred sixty and five years:

24And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him.

25And Methuselah lived an hundred eighty and seven years, and begat Lamech.

26And Methuselah lived after he begat Lamech seven hundred eighty and two years, and begat sons and daughters:

27And all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred sixty and nine years: and he died.

28And Lamech lived an hundred eighty and two years, and begat a son:

29And he called his name Noah, saying, This same shall comfort us concerning our work and toil of our hands, because of the ground which the LORD hath cursed.

30And Lamech lived after he begat Noah five hundred ninety and five years, and begat sons and daughters:

31And all the days of Lamech were seven hundred seventy and seven years: and he died.

32And Noah was five hundred years old: and Noah begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

After I read the first verse, one thing stuck in my mind — the theme to "It's Gary Shandling's Show":" "This is the theme to Gary's show, the theme to Gary's show, Gary called me up to see if I would write his theme song."

Boy, you kill one quarter of the earth's population, and they write you out of the story, it seems. Cain's branch of the family tree isn't mentioned here. In Genesis 4 we learn he had an Enoch, not the one mentioned in this chapter... or was he? The linked chart shows he had a bunch of descendents with names similar to those in Seth's line. This is liable to cause some confusion as we plow on toward salvation.

Lamech, who may be the same Lamech who to was be punished 77 times more than Cain, lived to 777 years. Is living a long life supposed to be punishment? In any case, he still had his mojo working at age 195, when he fathered Noah.

Obviously, a lot of these guys lived to ripe, old ages, which seems like another nail in the evolution's coffin.

Are we not Methuselan? We are devo.

Genesis 4

1And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD.
2And she again bare his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground.
3And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the LORD.
4And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering:
5But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell.
6And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen?
7If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.
8And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him.
9And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?
10And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground.
11And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother's blood from thy hand;
12When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth.
13And Cain said unto the LORD, My punishment is greater than I can bear.
14Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me.
15And the LORD said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him.
16And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden.
17And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch.
18And unto Enoch was born Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael: and Methusael begat Lamech.
19And Lamech took unto him two wives: the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah.
20And Adah bare Jabal: he was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of such as have cattle.
21And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ.
22And Zillah, she also bare Tubalcain, an instructer of every artificer in brass and iron: and the sister of Tubalcain was Naamah.
23And Lamech said unto his wives, Adah and Zillah, Hear my voice; ye wives of Lamech, hearken unto my speech: for I have slain a man to my wounding, and a young man to my hurt.
24If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold.
25And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth: For God, said she, hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew.
26And to Seth, to him also there was born a son; and he called his name Enos: then began men to call upon the name of the LORD.

Verse #1 has a couple of interesting turns of phrases. First is the famous "biblical sense" of "knowing," nudge-nudge, wink-wink. Then there's "I have gotten a man from the LORD." I was expecting the next line to be "It's raining men, hallelujah!"

Verse #7 was a little tricky. Thankfully, Lambert at Correntewire turned me onto a handy site called Bible Browser, that lets you see how various editions translate a given line. I gather that it simply means "You'll be accepted if you do right, but you're going to be tempted to sin, so resist that temptation."

In #9, God again proves not omniscient: "Where is Abel...?" Maybe he's playing dumb, because the dead-and-buried Abel starts talking, which it would be so like God to make possible.

In verse #12, we get some pretty silly uses of terms that couldn't possibly mean anything in a world with only three living people, plus one underground loudmouth: "fugitive" and "vagabond." At this point, there's only mom and dad. What are they going to do, call Interpol? And since there are no places, no homes, and no stuff, who's to say someone's a vagabond?

Again, in a world of three, what's up with #14, where Cain is afraid that every one is going to kill him? And why is it "every one" and not "anyone." How many times does he think he's going to get killed?

Finally we get to all the begetting. But where the ladies at?

I always wondered who begat Cain's baby, Enoch, and I'm still wondering. Cain, that rebel without a cause goes east of Eden to the land of Nod (I'd throw in another James Dean reference, but there weren't any giants in this part).

And in an amazing instance of damus ex machina, Cain "knew his wife." Did it cost him a rib? Did he use match.com?

Reading on, you really start to wonder "where do women come from?" Because except for the rib lady, I don't see any evidence that women are ever born. Tubalcain is said to have a sister, so maybe we can assume that she was born, but man these fuckers have some hardcore Y chromosomes.

A few other items struck me, such as Lamech having two wives. Another rich subplot pulled out and thrown away like a Kleenex. I wonder if these little stories ever come up again.... But in any case, the first bigamist is also the second murderer.

Now, in #24, Cain, who doesn't seem to have been killed by anyone (let alone every one), is going to be out-avenged 77 times over. I'm not much for either Bible movies or action movies, but you'd have to figure a Quentin Tarantino Kill Lamech would kick some serious ass.

In verse #25, Eve has another baby, Seth, about seven generations after she had her last one. No Irish twins there. I guess once bitten with sibling rivalry, you can't be too careful.

Finally, this one wraps up with a cliffhanger. When Adam and Eve's grandson Enos is born to Seth, people start getting religion. Why? Are we going to find out?

Actually, since it wasn't that much earlier that people were on speaking terms with the big guy, and there probably wasn't all that much to talk about, other than "what are brass, iron, and vagabonds?" you'd think that God would still be the talk of the town....

Genesis 3

1Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

2And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:

3But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

4And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:

5For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

6And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

7And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.

8And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.

9And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

10And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.

11And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

12And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

13And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done?
And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

14And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:

15And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.

16Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

17And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;

18Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;

19In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

20And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.

21Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them.

22And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:

23Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.

24So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

Again we hear that knowledge is a sin, in a Promethean or Icarian don't-horn-in-on-God's-action kind of way.

My recent debates with Christianists give me a sense of what this is all about: they believe that morality is absolute and that it comes only from God.

Man, they believe, is incapable of understanding what good and bad are. Their entire world-view would collapse if they had to accept that we live in a world of relative morality, and that it's ours to influence and interpret.

This drives their need to watch life through black-and-white-colored glasses. The only other colors they see are the ones that don't run. America's imperialistic misadventures and a history marked by slavery and genocide of native peoples do not compute — they must be ignored. Iran-Contra can't matter. Abu Ghraib can't matter.

God's Blessed America = good. Pure good, goddamn it, and burn in Hell, motherfucker, if you don't get it.

In verse #8, Adam and Eve hide from the old man, leaving him to beg "Where art thou?" I was under the impression that God was omniscient. Ain't he?

Adam rats out his woman in verse #12, even though he knew full well that he wasn't supposed to eat the fruit. Disappointing to see that the first man was a dick.

Verse #16 is pretty fucked-up. Because Eve plucked a couple of apples (actually, are they ever called "apples," or just "fruit"?), childbirth is going to be painful, and women will be subservient to men. Now I see where Adam gets it.

Weird punishment in verse #17. It seems to say that your punishment for eating that fruit is that you'll keep on eating that fruit. Oh, and you and the ground you walk on will be cursed. Maybe that makes sense, the way the sergeant let Private Pyle eat the smuggled donut in Full Metal Jacket.

There are some curious gaps in the story. How do Adam and Eve know what dying is (verse #3)? Or what bread is (verse #19)? At the very least, those would have been interesting subplots.

Speaking of story development, in verse #22, God says that man is now a god. Sounds like it should be the end of the story: God makes man, man becomes god. Nice and circular.

But there are 1186 chapters to go. I hope this isn't going to be one of those AI or Return of the King deals, with a gazillion false endings.

Well, there's at least one remaining mystery to follow: if man is a god, why do we need all those churches? Seems kind of masturbatory.

And what's up with the "tree of life"? That sounds like a pretty big plot device to throw in here and not explain. The forbidden fruit was from the tree of knowledge; with that one, we were told about the serpent and the Gremlins-like warning, but God's ghostwriter can't spare a couple of syllables of exposition for the "tree of life"? Inquiring minds want to know.

Finally, Adam (along with, I reckon, Eve) is driven out of the Garden of Eden to try his hand at farming. Just like "Green Acres," but without the catchy theme song. Hmm... Eve, Eva — coincidence?

If they've been driven out, I'm not sure how they're supposed to keep eating that knowledge fruit.

But at least the chapter closes with a bit more about the tree of life: it's guarded by baby angels and a rotating fiery sword. Easily the weirdest security tandem until Turner & Hooch.

Genesis 2

1Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.

2And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.

3And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.

4These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the LORD God made the earth and the heavens,

5And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground.

6But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground.

7And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

8And the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.

9And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

10And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.

11The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold;

12And the gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone.

13And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia.

14And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates.

15And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.

16And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:

17But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

18And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

19And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.

20And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.

21And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

22And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

23And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

25And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Obviously, God had a super-great first week on the job.

Have you ever worked with guys like that? Nine times out of ten, they're not going to do jackshit for the next 20 years, while they parlay that first impression into a corner office and a fuckload of stock options.

With this guy, we should have seen it coming. Sure, he earned that first day off, but commemorating it with a national holiday seems a bit excessive.

The next tip-off is verse #7: he creates man. Didn't he do that on the last page? How long is he planning to milk that? What have you done for us lately, dude?

In verses #11 through 14, there's a bunch of places, not too many of which you'll find at Travelocity. Obviously, we're going to have to hit wikipedia pretty hard as we get through this thing.

Even with the wiki, matching this up to today's geography is a challenge. For one thing, I've yet to find a good map that shows the old names and borders along with the new. Further, some of the Bible's geography appears to be questionable.

In any case, the four rivers from Eden describe territory that includes Mesopotamia, home of the "fertile crescent," where life is now measured in "Friedman Units," along with Ethiopia and Yemen.

The first locale is Pison, which I thought was a hybrid car or an Italian buddy, but it's apparently a river that defines the borders of "Havilah, where there is gold." And it's good gold, not the cheap stuff you get on HSN. I guess "gold" means good stuff in general, because it includes bdellium and onyx. The former is apparently a 14th St. knockoff of myrrh, a substance that's going to come up in this story much later. Excellent foreshadowing. But if the "gold" is so good in Havilah, why the ersatz myrrh? Anyway, it appears that the Pison and Havilah are in Yemen or thereabouts.

The second river, Gihon, is supposed wind around Ethiopia. But maybe it was in Mesopotamia:

The Gihon is described as "encircling the entire land of Cush", a name associated with Ethiopia elsewhere in the Bible. As a result, Ethiopians have long identified the Gihon with the Abay River, which encircles the former kingdom of Gojjam. However, from a current geographic standpoint, this would seem impossible, since two of the other rivers said to issue out of Eden, the Tigris and the Euphrates, are in Mesopotamia. The city in the Mesopotamian area that best fits the description is called Kish located in a plain area (Sumerian 'edin') and resembles an area that is repeatedly flooded by the rivers today called Euphrates and Tigris.

The third river from Eden is the Hiddekel, which heads toward Assyria, which as best as I can tell is more or less around the northern part of Iraq, depending on when in its imperialistic sprawl you measure it.

And the fourth river, which needs no introduction, is the Euphrates.

A striking thing about these geography lessons is the lack of information about the world outside the Middle East. Maybe Pawtucket wasn't God's greatest achievement, but you'd think North and South America would get a mention.

If the fringes of Europe, Asia, and Africa get a nod, some pretty large expanses don't, and knock me over with a Kookaburra's feather if Australia comes up anywhere in this thing — which makes you wonder how Mel Gibson ever got on this bandwagon.

Antarctica? Good luck showing up in this sand epic.

17But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

Well that didn't take long. Knowledge is bad. No stem-cell research for you!

In #19, Adam names every creature on earth. That's a thankless job when there's no language and no one to talk to — no "help meet," which I reckon means "helpmate."

Well, in #21 we have the coolest prank ever: God knocks out Adam, yanks out a rib, and turns it into a woman. Some women find this Cronenbergesque origin story demeaning, but jeez, the first man was made out of dust. All things considered, being called the greatest hits of ape DNA seems ennobling by comparison.

Finally, we find that the naked couple is unashamed. Perhaps a good argument against evolution is to compare this sensible outlook to the world of nipplegate and John Ashcroft.

Genesis 1

1In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

2And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

3And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

4And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

5And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

6And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

7And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.

8And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

9And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

10And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.

11And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

12And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

13And the evening and the morning were the third day.

14And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:

15And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.

16And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.

17And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,

18And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.

19And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

20And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.

21And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

22And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.

23And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

24And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.

25And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

26And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

27So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

28And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

29And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

30And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.

31And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

Well, there are some pretty obvious questions at the get-go:

• Who wrote this?
• When?
• Why should we believe this particular creation story?

No copy that I've seen has an author's name on the spine, a copyright notice, or quotes from reviewers or respected contemporaries.

The following I know because wikipedia tells me so:

The text of Genesis makes no claim about authorship; the traditional Jewish, and later Christian, belief was that the book was dictated in its entirety by God to Moses on Mount Sinai. For a number of reasons, this view is no longer accepted by biblical scholars, who instead accept the proposal known as the documentary hypothesis which postulates a redactor, possibly Ezra (5th century BC), compiling from earlier sources. Scholarly debate instead addresses the question whether these earlier sources included a post-exilic production (i.e., post-dating 583 BC), or a product of the Kingdom of Judah under Josiah (7th century BC), or whether some elements might even date back to the United Monarchy (10th century BC) (see dating the Bible).

The existence of the full text of Genesis is ascertained for the 3rd century BC when it was translated into Greek (the Septuagint). The oldest known manuscripts of the Masoretic text of Genesis are the Aleppo Codex (dated to ca. 920) and the Westminster Leningrad Codex (dated to 1008). There are also fragments of the (unvocalized) Genesis text preserved in some Dead Sea scrolls (1st century BC or AD).

All that does little to convince me that this is as accurate as, say, an "E! True Hollywood Story."

So, we have it that God started out and created a lot of stuff. I'm not sure if this means he did this as soon as he was born — which makes him quite the prodigy, even for a god — or if this is just the story of Mission: Earth and Heaven, and God had been kicking around the circuit for some time before his attention moved to birthing us and the sky above.

In any case, it was quite a week.

I wonder why there's so much of God seeing that things he made were good. Is His Omnipotence lacking in self-confidence, or does he just groove on himself like Dane Cook basking in some unearned laughter?

I'm a tad confused about verse #7 about sandwiching firmament above and below the waters. Is that overhead water the clouds, or is there a big sea in the sky somewhere?

Verse #16 describes God making two bright lights, the latter presumably being the moon. I suppose one could poetically consider that reflective satellite to be a light, but the whole thing seems awfully Earth-centric. Assuming that the Heaven that God created includes the whole universe, our shiny l'il moon doesn't seem like such a major creation.

Now here comes what seems to be a big problem. All the science I've ever learned suggests a slow crawl of life out of the primordial ooze, so this business with all creatures great and small showing up in the first week seems pretty specious. Talk about a fact-checking snafu! Has anyone cross-checked this with The Origin of the Species or any leading paleontology texts?

Finally, what's up with "I have given every green herb for meat." In the first week, did God invent tofurkey?