1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,We got us some serious hellfire and brimstone this time out.
2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, I am the LORD your God.
3 After the doings of the land of Egypt, wherein ye dwelt, shall ye not do: and after the doings of the land of Canaan, whither I bring you, shall ye not do: neither shall ye walk in their ordinances.
4 Ye shall do my judgments, and keep mine ordinances, to walk therein: I am the LORD your God.
5 Ye shall therefore keep my statutes, and my judgments: which if a man do, he shall live in them: I am the LORD.
6 None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness: I am the LORD.
7 The nakedness of thy father, or the nakedness of thy mother, shalt thou not uncover: she is thy mother; thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.
8 The nakedness of thy father's wife shalt thou not uncover: it is thy father's nakedness.
9 The nakedness of thy sister, the daughter of thy father, or daughter of thy mother, whether she be born at home, or born abroad, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover.
10 The nakedness of thy son's daughter, or of thy daughter's daughter, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover: for theirs is thine own nakedness.
11 The nakedness of thy father's wife's daughter, begotten of thy father, she is thy sister, thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.
12 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's sister: she is thy father's near kinswoman.
13 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother's sister: for she is thy mother's near kinswoman.
14 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's brother, thou shalt not approach to his wife: she is thine aunt.
15 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy daughter in law: she is thy son's wife; thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.
16 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy brother's wife: it is thy brother's nakedness.
17 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of a woman and her daughter, neither shalt thou take her son's daughter, or her daughter's daughter, to uncover her nakedness; for they are her near kinswomen: it is wickedness.
18 Neither shalt thou take a wife to her sister, to vex her, to uncover her nakedness, beside the other in her life time.
19 Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness.
20 Moreover thou shalt not lie carnally with thy neighbour's wife, to defile thyself with her.
21 And thou shalt not let any of thy seed pass through the fire to Molech, neither shalt thou profane the name of thy God: I am the LORD.
22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.
23 Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion.
24 Defile not ye yourselves in any of these things: for in all these the nations are defiled which I cast out before you:
25 And the land is defiled: therefore I do visit the iniquity thereof upon it, and the land itself vomiteth out her inhabitants.
26 Ye shall therefore keep my statutes and my judgments, and shall not commit any of these abominations; neither any of your own nation, nor any stranger that sojourneth among you:
27 (For all these abominations have the men of the land done, which were before you, and the land is defiled;)
28 That the land spue not you out also, when ye defile it, as it spued out the nations that were before you.
29 For whosoever shall commit any of these abominations, even the souls that commit them shall be cut off from among their people.
30 Therefore shall ye keep mine ordinance, that ye commit not any one of these abominable customs, which were committed before you, and that ye defile not yourselves therein: I am the LORD your God.
- #1: God sez to Moses, he sez...
- #2: Tell the Israelites that "I am the LORD your God." (If you don't know me by now...)
- #3: Don't walk like an Egyptian or a Canaanite.
- #4: Do what I tell you, "I am the LORD your God." (Lighten up on that CapsLock key, sport.)
- #5: If you live the life I tell you to live, you'll live a life. You know how I just said to do what I tell you to do because I'm your LORD? Well, do what I tell you because I am the LORD. (When Rudy Giuliani did this Mad Lib, he put "9/11" where YHWH wrote "the LORD.")
- #6: Don't come on to your relatives "to uncover their nakedness: I am the LORD." ("Uncover their nakedness" is a rather bald euphemism for, well, you know... So, was Ham boning his father, Noah, back in Genesis 9?)
- #7: Don't uncover the nakedness of your father or mother. (Not sure how that wasn't covered, so to speak, by #6).
- #8: Don't uncover the nakedness of your father's wife. (Is this one of those logic puzzles? I get it, the doctor was a woman!)
- #9: Don't uncover the nakedness of your sister, who is the daughter of your father or mother, even if she was born abroad. (Make your own "born abroad" joke here, and then wonder why this fine point is necessary).
- #10: Don't uncover the nakedness of your granddaughter. (Dear Mr. Bible Writer Man, we understand the theory of relativity. Can we move on now? Or maybe not: the lack of a matching grandson clause is a little worrisome.)
- #11: Don't uncover the nakedness of your sister, y'know, your father's wife's daughter. (Um, two times in three verses. This is getting a little Freudian, my friend.)
- #12: Don't uncover you're aunt's nakedness, either. At least not the aunt on your father's side.
- #13: Same deal on your mother's side.
- #14: Your uncle's wife is also off limits. (No such clause for your aunt's husband. That's nice, a handy loophole for the kind of guy who puts the "uncle" into "unclean.")
- #15: Don't uncover the nakedness of your daughter-in-law. (But honest, officer, she was wearing a veil like a whore, and...)
- #16: No sisters-in-law, either.
- #17: You can't uncover the nakedness of both a woman and her daughter or granddaughter (Oh, no, Mrs. Burke! I thought you were Dale!).
- #18: Don't vex your wife by marrying her sister... while your wife is still alive, that is. (There's a murder-mystery premise for you. Also, this is another one without a reverse-gender version, which means that women aren't specifically banned from polygamy at this point, assuming that's what this one is about; maybe that "father's wife's daughter" distinction in #11 spoke to multi-wife scenarios, as well.)
- #19: Don't uncover a woman's nakedness when she's menstruating.
- #20: Don't copulate with your neighbor's wife "to defile thyself with her." (Interesting. When Mr. Bible Writer Man starts talking about the neighbor's wife, suddenly the euphemisms fall away. If it takes his mind off his sister, is that really such a bad thing?)
- #21: Don't "let any of thy seed pass through the fire to Molech." (How about a little context, guys? Apparently Molech was a competing god that digs human sacrifices, not that we're quite sure ol "I own all the firstborn males" doesn't swing that way, himself.) And don't "profane the name of thy God: I am the LORD." (This comes out of nowhere, too. Speaking of, does He mean not to swear with his name in the act of lovemaking, or in general?)
- #22: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination." (There it is. A Biblical ban on homosexuality — assuming, of course, that this was written for the male hetero audience; if the target audience was lesbians, then it's a whole other deal. Though trading in Hebrew slaves, killing Sabbath-day workers, and animal sacrifice have gone by the wayside, this narrowminded tradition just keeps on giving. Lines like this make the "holy" status accorded this book most troubling. Because of what some prejudiced twit wrote a few thousand years back, we're supposed to deny equality to one-tenth of our neighbors. Shame on anyone who prioritizes the "sanctity" of this dubious tome over the people it maligns.)
- #23: Bestiality is "confusion." (And a capital crime in YHWH's book).
- #24: Don't defile yourself in the ways I just said not to defile yourself with. The other nations I'm throwing out on their asses in your favor do these prohibited things.
- #25: "And the land is defiled: therefore I do visit the iniquity thereof upon it, and the land itself vomiteth out her inhabitants." ("Visit the iniquity" would be a great Vegas slogan, but it's an interesting choice of phrasing here. Is Yahweh saying he's bringing on the sinfulness or the shame?)
- #26: Don't you or any strangers among you do any of this forbidden stuff. (Correct me if I'm wrong, and I may be, but I don't think so: I'm getting the impression that he doesn't want us to do these things.)
- #27: 'Cause people have been doing this stuff, and they besmirched the land.
- #28: We wouldn't want you to get vomited out of the land, now, would we?
- #29: Anyone who commits "these abominations" will be excommunicated.
- #30: So don't do it, get it? Don't defile yourselves, OK!? "I am the LORD your God."