Exodus 24

1 And he said unto Moses, Come up unto the LORD, thou, and Aaron, Nadab, and Abihu, and seventy of the elders of Israel; and worship ye afar off.

2 And Moses alone shall come near the LORD: but they shall not come nigh; neither shall the people go up with him.

3 And Moses came and told the people all the words of the LORD, and all the judgments: and all the people answered with one voice, and said, All the words which the LORD hath said will we do.

4 And Moses wrote all the words of the LORD, and rose up early in the morning, and builded an altar under the hill, and twelve pillars, according to the twelve tribes of Israel.

5 And he sent young men of the children of Israel, which offered burnt offerings, and sacrificed peace offerings of oxen unto the LORD.

6 And Moses took half of the blood, and put it in basons; and half of the blood he sprinkled on the altar.

7 And he took the book of the covenant, and read in the audience of the people: and they said, All that the LORD hath said will we do, and be obedient.

8 And Moses took the blood, and sprinkled it on the people, and said, Behold the blood of the covenant, which the LORD hath made with you concerning all these words.

9 Then went up Moses, and Aaron, Nadab, and Abihu, and seventy of the elders of Israel:

10 And they saw the God of Israel: and there was under his feet as it were a paved work of a sapphire stone, and as it were the body of heaven in his clearness.

11 And upon the nobles of the children of Israel he laid not his hand: also they saw God, and did eat and drink.

12 And the LORD said unto Moses, Come up to me into the mount, and be there: and I will give thee tables of stone, and a law, and commandments which I have written; that thou mayest teach them.

13 And Moses rose up, and his minister Joshua: and Moses went up into the mount of God.

14 And he said unto the elders, Tarry ye here for us, until we come again unto you: and, behold, Aaron and Hur are with you: if any man have any matters to do, let him come unto them.

15 And Moses went up into the mount, and a cloud covered the mount.

16 And the glory of the LORD abode upon mount Sinai, and the cloud covered it six days: and the seventh day he called unto Moses out of the midst of the cloud.

17 And the sight of the glory of the LORD was like devouring fire on the top of the mount in the eyes of the children of Israel.

18 And Moses went into the midst of the cloud, and gat him up into the mount: and Moses was in the mount forty days and forty nights.

We get a break from 613 commandments. Sort of.

God beckons Moses, Aaron, Aaron's boys Nadab and Abihu, and seventy elders of Israel to worship him... from afar. Except Moses — he's in the playas' club.

Moses relays the words of YHWH, and the sheeple answer as one that they will obey.

Moe got up early and built a twelve-pillared altar at the foot of the hill. If Jesus was a carpenter, sounds like Moses was a mason, and a damned efficient one. In addition to the building, he wrote (using tablets or other early implements, like maybe a CPT 8000) all of God's words (everything to date, or just his latest memo?).

Then Moses had young Israelites sacrificially burn animals in honor of God. He put half the blood in basins, and the other half he sprayed on the altar. I'm not sure Keith Moon would have treated the place worse.

He recited God's directions to, presumably, the rest of the Israelites, and they also signed onto the way God planned it.

He sprayed the rest of the blood on the people to seal the deal. There are some closing tricks Zig Ziglar can't teach ya. Actually, maybe he can.

The gang that Moses had previously brought to the base of the mountain got a look at God, standing on what looked like a sapphire floor. Weren't many of them supposed to perish if they got a look at the lordly mug?

Seeing God wasn't enough. They took time out to go to the snack bar while, I guess, God shuffled his feet.

The Lord summoned Moses up the mountain and gave him three tablets of stone to teach the people with. Hmm, I always thought it was two tablets.

Moses and his minister or servant Joshua went up the hill to fetch a deck of commandments that we've already read.

This narrative is seriously starting to play like Memento or Merrily We Roll Along. Didn't Mr. Bible Editor Man notice that things are a wee bit out of order? No problem, since we apparently get the commandments all over again in Deuteronomy.

Like Bush getting polyps removed, Moses delegates being the decider while he's indisposed. The temporary power goes to Aaron and Hur.

And like Bobby in Urinetown, Moses has his head in the clouds. Talk about getting the vapors! It's for the popular duration of six days, afterwards God gives it a rest.

The sight of God was "like devouring fire on the top of the mount in the eyes of the children of Israel." Suggests a volcano, the perfect image of love. If you're an authoritarian.

The clouds aren't gone after all, as Moses goes into them and sits on the mountain for that other popular duration of forty days and nights.

The Ten

In a little over a week, a movie called The Ten will be released. Directed by David Wain (Wet Hot American Summer), it's a series of comic sketches purportedly based on each of the ten commandments.

To recap them, by my accounting they are:

#1. It's Yahweh or the highway
#2. God is jealous of your deity dolls
#3. No goddamn blasphemy
#4. Never on Sunday (or Friday-night-to-Saturday-night, depending on who's counting)
#5. Be nice to your folks
#6. Don't kill
#7. No adultery
#8. Don't steal
#9. No perjury (Bush administration exempted)
#10. Don't lust after your neighbor's wife, servants, animals, and shit (no problem lusting after the husband).

I'm having as much trouble believing they're devoting 40% of the movie to those first four God-centric commandments as I have believing that sensible people would devote 40% of their moral code to them.

Exodus 24 coming soon...

Exodus 23

1 Thou shalt not raise a false report: put not thine hand with the wicked to be an unrighteous witness.

2 Thou shalt not follow a multitude to do evil; neither shalt thou speak in a cause to decline after many to wrest judgment:

3 Neither shalt thou countenance a poor man in his cause.

4 If thou meet thine enemy's ox or his ass going astray, thou shalt surely bring it back to him again.

5 If thou see the ass of him that hateth thee lying under his burden, and wouldest forbear to help him, thou shalt surely help with him.

6 Thou shalt not wrest the judgment of thy poor in his cause.

7 Keep thee far from a false matter; and the innocent and righteous slay thou not: for I will not justify the wicked.

8 And thou shalt take no gift: for the gift blindeth the wise, and perverteth the words of the righteous.

9 Also thou shalt not oppress a stranger: for ye know the heart of a stranger, seeing ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.

10 And six years thou shalt sow thy land, and shalt gather in the fruits thereof:

11 But the seventh year thou shalt let it rest and lie still; that the poor of thy people may eat: and what they leave the beasts of the field shall eat. In like manner thou shalt deal with thy vineyard, and with thy oliveyard.

12 Six days thou shalt do thy work, and on the seventh day thou shalt rest: that thine ox and thine ass may rest, and the son of thy handmaid, and the stranger, may be refreshed.

13 And in all things that I have said unto you be circumspect: and make no mention of the name of other gods, neither let it be heard out of thy mouth.

14 Three times thou shalt keep a feast unto me in the year.

15 Thou shalt keep the feast of unleavened bread: (thou shalt eat unleavened bread seven days, as I commanded thee, in the time appointed of the month Abib; for in it thou camest out from Egypt: and none shall appear before me empty:)

16 And the feast of harvest, the firstfruits of thy labours, which thou hast sown in the field: and the feast of ingathering, which is in the end of the year, when thou hast gathered in thy labours out of the field.

17 Three items in the year all thy males shall appear before the LORD God.

18 Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leavened bread; neither shall the fat of my sacrifice remain until the morning.

19 The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring into the house of the LORD thy God. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.

20 Behold, I send an Angel before thee, to keep thee in the way, and to bring thee into the place which I have prepared.

21 Beware of him, and obey his voice, provoke him not; for he will not pardon your transgressions: for my name is in him.

22 But if thou shalt indeed obey his voice, and do all that I speak; then I will be an enemy unto thine enemies, and an adversary unto thine adversaries.

23 For mine Angel shall go before thee, and bring thee in unto the Amorites, and the Hittites, and the Perizzites, and the Canaanites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites: and I will cut them off.

24 Thou shalt not bow down to their gods, nor serve them, nor do after their works: but thou shalt utterly overthrow them, and quite break down their images.

25 And ye shall serve the LORD your God, and he shall bless thy bread, and thy water; and I will take sickness away from the midst of thee.

26 There shall nothing cast their young, nor be barren, in thy land: the number of thy days I will fulfil.

27 I will send my fear before thee, and will destroy all the people to whom thou shalt come, and I will make all thine enemies turn their backs unto thee.

28 And I will send hornets before thee, which shall drive out the Hivite, the Canaanite, and the Hittite, from before thee.

29 I will not drive them out from before thee in one year; lest the land become desolate, and the beast of the field multiply against thee.

30 By little and little I will drive them out from before thee, until thou be increased, and inherit the land.

31 And I will set thy bounds from the Red sea even unto the sea of the Philistines, and from the desert unto the river: for I will deliver the inhabitants of the land into your hand; and thou shalt drive them out before thee.

32 Thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor with their gods.

33 They shall not dwell in thy land, lest they make thee sin against me: for if thou serve their gods, it will surely be a snare unto thee.

Verses #1-2... No false reports? Don't follow a multitude to do evil? Don't "give the support of your words to a wrong decision"? Who knew Colin Powell was an atheist?

In verse #3, we see that Republicans really are God's party: don't favor a poor man.

In #4-5, you should help your enemy with his ass. That's a generous love-thy-neighbor / love-thy-enemy sentiment. Good show!

#6: Things get fair and balanced: don't be unjust to a poor man.

#7: Colin's in trouble again. Didn't keep far from false matters and helped slay the innocent, which God won't justify.

#8: It's Duke Cunningham's turn in the hot seat — sinning by taking gifts.

#9: We again are told to be kind to strangers. I wonder when they tell us not to take their candy.

#10-11: Another food-preservation mystery and another Sabbatical scheme — work the farm for six years, and in the seventh, leave it to the poor and the beasts.

#12: On the same theme, shut down your business every seventh day.

#13: Be mindful of what God said, and don't speak the name of the other gods. Hmm, we haven't yet been told not to say "Jehovah," but we're told not to say the names of these other gods we keep hearing about in passing.

#14: Have three feasts in YHWH's honor each year.

#15: Yet another ad for Passover matzos.

#16: Sounds like the other two feasts are at the beginning and end of the harvest. Are there current holidays based on these?

#17: Three times a year, all boyz and men must appear before God. Is every guy in the world supposed to show up at the foot of Mt. Sinai?

#18: Don't offer God a bloody sacrifice with leavened bread. A fussy eater, I guess. And don't leave fatty meat out over night. I think that was also in Gremlins.

#19: Again, sacrifice your first stuff to God (which in some contexts, as we've seen, seems to include your firstborn son). And don't marinate kid meat in its mamma's milk. Recalls the gruesome inspiration of Paul Simon's lovely "Mother and Child Reunion," named after a Chinese chicken-and-egg dish.

#20: God's sending an angel to keep us in line or keep us safe or something and to take us to a place he's prepared. Sounds kind of creepy and/or like a reference to heaven.

#21: Watch out for my angel, and don't fuck with him. He is not going to forgive what you do, because he's God's agent. Hmm, when does the forgiveness come in?

#22: The enemy of my friends has YHWH to answer to. Makes you wonder how the enemies of Judeo-Christian countries ever last more than a couple of minutes. We'll get a great explanation for that ahead.

#23: God's going to fuck up a lot the Hebrews' enemies.

#24: Reject and "utterly overthrow" your enemies' gods and demolish their sacred icons. So much for pluralism.

#25: Serve God, and he'll bless your food and drink and keep you healthy. Excellent benefits package.

#26: The godfearing will never have a miscarriage or be infertile. If you have problems of this sort, you're obviously a sinner and deserve it.

#27: God will terrorize anyone who approaches you.

#28: Amongst God's weaponry are such diverse elements as hornets.

#29: God will take more than two Friedman Units to wipe out your enemies. This is because, um, if he did it too fast, you'd be overrun by animals. Yeah, that's the ticket!

#30: Jehovah will gradually get the job done. Really, really gradually, apparently.

#31: YHWH is giving Israel to the Hebrews, and he'll deliver the current occupants into their hands so they can be driven out. Talk about foreshadowing!

#32: In case you weren't listening to #24, don't be makin' no deals your enemy's Gods.

#33: The Hebrews' enemies are sinners. Even if they act all holy-like, they're just fakers.

Exodus 22

1 If a man shall steal an ox, or a sheep, and kill it, or sell it; he shall restore five oxen for an ox, and four sheep for a sheep.

2 If a thief be found breaking up, and be smitten that he die, there shall no blood be shed for him.

3 If the sun be risen upon him, there shall be blood shed for him; for he should make full restitution; if he have nothing, then he shall be sold for his theft.

4 If the theft be certainly found in his hand alive, whether it be ox, or ass, or sheep; he shall restore double.

5 If a man shall cause a field or vineyard to be eaten, and shall put in his beast, and shall feed in another man's field; of the best of his own field, and of the best of his own vineyard, shall he make restitution.

6 If fire break out, and catch in thorns, so that the stacks of corn, or the standing corn, or the field, be consumed therewith; he that kindled the fire shall surely make restitution.

7 If a man shall deliver unto his neighbour money or stuff to keep, and it be stolen out of the man's house; if the thief be found, let him pay double.

8 If the thief be not found, then the master of the house shall be brought unto the judges, to see whether he have put his hand unto his neighbour's goods.

9 For all manner of trespass, whether it be for ox, for ass, for sheep, for raiment, or for any manner of lost thing which another challengeth to be his, the cause of both parties shall come before the judges; and whom the judges shall condemn, he shall pay double unto his neighbour.

10 If a man deliver unto his neighbour an ass, or an ox, or a sheep, or any beast, to keep; and it die, or be hurt, or driven away, no man seeing it:

11 Then shall an oath of the LORD be between them both, that he hath not put his hand unto his neighbour's goods; and the owner of it shall accept thereof, and he shall not make it good.

12 And if it be stolen from him, he shall make restitution unto the owner thereof.

13 If it be torn in pieces, then let him bring it for witness, and he shall not make good that which was torn.

14 And if a man borrow ought of his neighbour, and it be hurt, or die, the owner thereof being not with it, he shall surely make it good.

15 But if the owner thereof be with it, he shall not make it good: if it be an hired thing, it came for his hire.

16 And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife.

17 If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins.

18 Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.

19 Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death.

20 He that sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the LORD only, he shall be utterly destroyed.

21 Thou shalt neither vex a stranger, nor oppress him: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.

22 Ye shall not afflict any widow, or fatherless child.

23 If thou afflict them in any wise, and they cry at all unto me, I will surely hear their cry;

24 And my wrath shall wax hot, and I will kill you with the sword; and your wives shall be widows, and your children fatherless.

25 If thou lend money to any of my people that is poor by thee, thou shalt not be to him as an usurer, neither shalt thou lay upon him usury.

26 If thou at all take thy neighbour's raiment to pledge, thou shalt deliver it unto him by that the sun goeth down:

27 For that is his covering only, it is his raiment for his skin: wherein shall he sleep? and it shall come to pass, when he crieth unto me, that I will hear; for I am gracious.

28 Thou shalt not revile the gods, nor curse the ruler of thy people.

29 Thou shalt not delay to offer the first of thy ripe fruits, and of thy liquors: the firstborn of thy sons shalt thou give unto me.

30 Likewise shalt thou do with thine oxen, and with thy sheep: seven days it shall be with his dam; on the eighth day thou shalt give it me.

31 And ye shall be holy men unto me: neither shall ye eat any flesh that is torn of beasts in the field; ye shall cast it to the dogs.

We're not olly olly oxen-free yet.

For starters, we find out that you get 5x damages for ox theft, but 4x for sheep theft. Odd that.

It's OK to kill a thief in the act. Unless it was in broad daylight — then, you sell him. Odd that.

The really odd stuff, though, comes in around the mid-point of the chapter. Let's look at those latter verses, one-by-one...

#16 If you have sex with a non-engaged woman, you have to marry her. Not clear whether it's OK to have sex with a woman who's engaged to someone else.

#17 If you do as above, and her father won't give you her hand, he has to pay you the value of her dowry. Undesirable prospective sons-in-law could make a lot of money by fornicating.

#18 Kill all witches. Holy shit, since the Bible is literally true, this means that witches are real, since the Bible wouldn't ban non-existent things, would it?

#19 Bestiality is a capital crime.

#20 Sacrificing to any god but YHWH is a capital crime. Sorry, everyone else.

#21 Be nice to strangers; we've been strangers, too.

#22 Be nice to widows and orphans (or at least the fatherless)...

#23 God'll hear about it if you aren't...

#24 And he'll stab you to death.

#25 If you lend money to poor people, don't charge them interest. I wonder if those Christian lending businesses follow this rule.

#26 If you take your neighbor's clothes as collateral, give 'em back by sundown. Not sure if that's too effective for a long-term loan.

#27 After all, without those clothes, what will he sleep in? If you don't obey this, God'll hear him crying about it, 'cause he's a gracious kind of guy.

#28 Don't hate the Gods -- YHWH and... ??? -- or the leader of his people.

#29 "Give" your firstborn male children to God, post-haste. Ditto for your first batch of wine.

#30 Ditto with the oxen and sheep.

#31 And speaking of non sequiturs: be holy men, and don't eat scavenged meat.

Odd that.

Keep the faith

Sorry for the extra-light posting of late. I'm tending to a sick relative but should be able to get Exodus 22 posted today or tomorrow.

No need for prayers (science is working hard on the case), but well-wishes are always appreciated.

Exodus 21

1 Now these are the judgments which thou shalt set before them.

2 If thou buy an Hebrew servant, six years he shall serve: and in the seventh he shall go out free for nothing.

3 If he came in by himself, he shall go out by himself: if he were married, then his wife shall go out with him.

4 If his master have given him a wife, and she have born him sons or daughters; the wife and her children shall be her master's, and he shall go out by himself.

5 And if the servant shall plainly say, I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out free:

6 Then his master shall bring him unto the judges; he shall also bring him to the door, or unto the door post; and his master shall bore his ear through with an aul; and he shall serve him for ever.

7 And if a man sell his daughter to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the menservants do.

8 If she please not her master, who hath betrothed her to himself, then shall he let her be redeemed: to sell her unto a strange nation he shall have no power, seeing he hath dealt deceitfully with her.

9 And if he have betrothed her unto his son, he shall deal with her after the manner of daughters.

10 If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.

11 And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money.

12 He that smiteth a man, so that he die, shall be surely put to death.

13 And if a man lie not in wait, but God deliver him into his hand; then I will appoint thee a place whither he shall flee.

14 But if a man come presumptuously upon his neighbour, to slay him with guile; thou shalt take him from mine altar, that he may die.

15 And he that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death.

16 And he that stealeth a man, and selleth him, or if he be found in his hand, he shall surely be put to death.

17 And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.

18 And if men strive together, and one smite another with a stone, or with his fist, and he die not, but keepeth his bed:

19 If he rise again, and walk abroad upon his staff, then shall he that smote him be quit: only he shall pay for the loss of his time, and shall cause him to be thoroughly healed.

20 And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his hand; he shall be surely punished.

21 Notwithstanding, if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money.

22 If men strive, and hurt a woman with child, so that her fruit depart from her, and yet no mischief follow: he shall be surely punished, according as the woman's husband will lay upon him; and he shall pay as the judges determine.

23 And if any mischief follow, then thou shalt give life for life,

24 Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot,

25 Burning for burning, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.

26 And if a man smite the eye of his servant, or the eye of his maid, that it perish; he shall let him go free for his eye's sake.

27 And if he smite out his manservant's tooth, or his maidservant's tooth; he shall let him go free for his tooth's sake.

28 If an ox gore a man or a woman, that they die: then the ox shall be surely stoned, and his flesh shall not be eaten; but the owner of the ox shall be quit.

29 But if the ox were wont to push with his horn in time past, and it hath been testified to his owner, and he hath not kept him in, but that he hath killed a man or a woman; the ox shall be stoned, and his owner also shall be put to death.

30 If there be laid on him a sum of money, then he shall give for the ransom of his life whatsoever is laid upon him.

31 Whether he have gored a son, or have gored a daughter, according to this judgment shall it be done unto him.

32 If the ox shall push a manservant or a maidservant; he shall give unto their master thirty shekels of silver, and the ox shall be stoned.

33 And if a man shall open a pit, or if a man shall dig a pit, and not cover it, and an ox or an ass fall therein;

34 The owner of the pit shall make it good, and give money unto the owner of them; and the dead beast shall be his.

35 And if one man's ox hurt another's, that he die; then they shall sell the live ox, and divide the money of it; and the dead ox also they shall divide.

36 Or if it be known that the ox hath used to push in time past, and his owner hath not kept him in; he shall surely pay ox for ox; and the dead shall be his own.

Turns out 10 commandments weren't enough. There are many other important things in life, and many of them have to do with oxen and Hebrew slaves.

As for the latter, there's no problem with buying and working one for six years, but afterwards, like Maxwell Edison, he must go must go free. Thus says the first of many "judgments" in Ex. 21.

In a precursor to the Defense of Marriage Act, when the slaves "graduate," it's take your wife, please. But, godly fairness requires that when a master "gives" the slave a wife, the boss-man gets to keep the wife and kids.

It really pays to be a loyal slave. They put an "aul" (awl) through your ear, and you belong to your master forever. I'm sure there wasn't any coersion to stay on under those terms. After all, these are god-fearin' slave owners we're talking about.

Verse #7, "And if a man sell his daughter to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the menservants do," apparently meaning she doesn't get spung after a half-dozen years (or ever); only a feminazi could find fault with that kind of moral commonsense. And verse #8 is downright progressive, requiring a displeased master to sell his she-slaves back to their families, rather than exporting them.

Further (verse #10), you still have to keep giving your slavegirl her propers, even if you marry additional wives.

Now that we've dealt with the essential and biblically approved matter of buying men and women, and before we get to the oxy content, we get the ol' "eye-for-an-eye" stuff.

Moral relativism puts in an appearance right away. The punishment for killing is "surely" death. Well, don't call it "surely," because that's only if you kill after lying in wait. If you didn't, and if God wanted you to kill, then there's a safe haven set aside for you.

It's a stoning offense if you hit your parents... or if you swear at them. If we're a Judeo-Christian nation, why isn't it a capital crime to say "motherfucker"?

Kidnapping, too, brings the death penalty. Not sure if this applies to stealing slaves, or if in fact that's the focus of this prohibition.

The circumstances in #18-19 are so specific (you hit a guy with a stone or fist, then he stays in bed, gets up and uses a cane...), you wonder what kind of society would need to account for them as a general rule. I'm surprised there isn't a section on what to do if someone comes after you with fresh fruit. Maybe that's later in Exodus....

There's punishment for beating slaves to death. The point is made that this even applies to the female ones! But if the slave survives a couple of days, all bets are off, "for he is his money."

Even stranger specifics crop up in #23-23: if brawling guys happen to injure a pregnant woman and cause a premature birth, they owe some money to the father. But if there's further "mischief" (the baby dies or is infirm?), then it's life-for-life, eye-for-eye, freed-slave-for-an-eye, etc.

Killer oxen are to be stoned-to-death but not eaten. If your killer ox had a history of poking his horn where he shouldn't, you're to be put to death, too.

There are other fine points of ox law to be found here, like what to do when an ox falls into your pit.

It's taken a bunch of chapters, but it's great to finally find a part of the Bible that tells us how to be godly people, vis-a-vis slaves and oxen.