Exodus 34

1 And the LORD said unto Moses, Hew thee two tables of stone like unto the first: and I will write upon these tables the words that were in the first tables, which thou brakest.

2 And be ready in the morning, and come up in the morning unto mount Sinai, and present thyself there to me in the top of the mount.

3 And no man shall come up with thee, neither let any man be seen throughout all the mount; neither let the flocks nor herds feed before that mount.

4 And he hewed two tables of stone like unto the first; and Moses rose up early in the morning, and went up unto mount Sinai, as the LORD had commanded him, and took in his hand the two tables of stone.

5 And the LORD descended in the cloud, and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the LORD.

6 And the LORD passed by before him, and proclaimed, The LORD, The LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth,

7 Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth generation.

8 And Moses made haste, and bowed his head toward the earth, and worshipped.

9 And he said, If now I have found grace in thy sight, O LORD, let my LORD, I pray thee, go among us; for it is a stiffnecked people; and pardon our iniquity and our sin, and take us for thine inheritance.

10 And he said, Behold, I make a covenant: before all thy people I will do marvels, such as have not been done in all the earth, nor in any nation: and all the people among which thou art shall see the work of the LORD: for it is a terrible thing that I will do with thee.

11 Observe thou that which I command thee this day: behold, I drive out before thee the Amorite, and the Canaanite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, and the Hivite, and the Jebusite.

12 Take heed to thyself, lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land whither thou goest, lest it be for a snare in the midst of thee:

13 But ye shall destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves:

14 For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:

15 Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods, and one call thee, and thou eat of his sacrifice;

16 And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods.

17 Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.

18 The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep. Seven days thou shalt eat unleavened bread, as I commanded thee, in the time of the month Abib: for in the month Abib thou camest out from Egypt.

19 All that openeth the matrix is mine; and every firstling among thy cattle, whether ox or sheep, that is male.

20 But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem him not, then shalt thou break his neck. All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And none shall appear before me empty.

21 Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest: in earing time and in harvest thou shalt rest.

22 And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, of the firstfruits of wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year's end.

23 Thrice in the year shall all your menchildren appear before the LORD God, the God of Israel.

24 For I will cast out the nations before thee, and enlarge thy borders: neither shall any man desire thy land, when thou shalt go up to appear before the LORD thy God thrice in the year.

25 Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven; neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of the passover be left unto the morning.

26 The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the house of the LORD thy God. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.

27 And the LORD said unto Moses, Write thou these words: for after the tenor of these words I have made a covenant with thee and with Israel.

28 And he was there with the LORD forty days and forty nights; he did neither eat bread, nor drink water. And he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, the ten commandments.

29 And it came to pass, when Moses came down from mount Sinai with the two tables of testimony in Moses' hand, when he came down from the mount, that Moses wist not that the skin of his face shone while he talked with him.

30 And when Aaron and all the children of Israel saw Moses, behold, the skin of his face shone; and they were afraid to come nigh him.

31 And Moses called unto them; and Aaron and all the rulers of the congregation returned unto him: and Moses talked with them.

32 And afterward all the children of Israel came nigh: and he gave them in commandment all that the LORD had spoken with him in mount Sinai.

33 And till Moses had done speaking with them, he put a vail on his face.

34 But when Moses went in before the LORD to speak with him, he took the vail off, until he came out. And he came out, and spake unto the children of Israel that which he was commanded.

35 And the children of Israel saw the face of Moses, that the skin of Moses' face shone: and Moses put the vail upon his face again, until he went in to speak with him.

Moses is surely in God's good graces — He who strikes people dead for coitus interruptus gives Moe a mulligan for destroying His testimony.

Yahweh's mountain home is once again called "Sinai" instead of "Horeb." Changes more often than the Los Angeles California Angels of Anaheim.

So, Moses took two tablets and called on God in the morning.

The deity-previously-seen-as-a-cloud descends in one and gives himself a shoutout. Sounds like the dude in Almost Famous.

Imagine if a person, even a swell guy like Abraham Lincoln, talked this way. "And the PRESIDENT passed by before him, and proclaimed, The PRESIDENT, The PRESIDENT Abe, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth generation."

If Honest Abe had played it like that, he'd be punishing people four-score-and-eighty years after he died. This is your God, ladies and gentlemen, visiting retribution on people's great-great grandchildren, and all generations in between. O, it is a gracious and merciful God, indeed!

And He's not only a jealous and vengeful god, he's self-pitying. Calls himself "longsuffering." Apparently, God is a concept in which he measures his own pain.

Moses promptly snaps to worshiping the great, merciful, and sorrowful Creator. And he get a little pathetic himself, once again leaning on the Big Guy for reassurance of his grace, and bugging him for the very things that YHWH has promised over and over again. For a bloke who didn't ask for directions during 40 years in the desert, he sure is getting impatient.

Yahweh reiterates those promises in the most dramatic way yet: "Behold, I make a covenant: before all thy people I will do marvels, such as have not been done in all the earth, nor in any nation: and all the people among which thou art shall see the work of the LORD: for it is a terrible thing that I will do with thee."

I guess there wasn't a commandment that thou shalt underpromise and overdeliver. And the promised deliverance is called "terrible." On whether this is terrible/awesome or terrible/fearful, translations seem to disagree. But I'm sure the Amorites, Canaanites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites, and the Jebusites would vote for the latter.

The great Father says to treat other religious folks — whose God it's clear he ain't (even if he created the heavens, Earth, etc., he acknowledges that other gods exist) — thusly: "destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves."

Because the Lord is jealous. In fact his name is "Jealous." I wonder why they don't call the salad dressing "green god."

Hard to miss the weird sexual overtones when YHWH warns Moses and Co. not to "go a whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods" or to "take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods."

His favorite song must be "Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree with Anyone Else But Me."

He doesn't want people to make any molten gods, eat leavened bread, or work on the Sabbath. Who knew?

He reiterates a laundry list of His standard requirements, including the bit about redeeming asses with lambs, breaking their necks if you don't, and perhaps sacrificing all the firstborn boys to His Forgiving Graciousness.

Rather than make Moses carve on the blackboard "I shall not smash the testimony, I shall not smash the testimony…" he has to spend 40 days and 40 nights scribing these long-ago given fetishistic instructions and the ten commandments. These form the basis of YHWH's deal with "Israel."

Given that He promised all this stuff to Israel (Jacob) himself and to many others in his family line, it seems like dirty pool to keep adding riders to the deal. But that's the kind of god he is.

When Moses returned, he was a man with a shining face (like a lightbulb), which frightened the Israelites. Moses reads them the memo and puts on a vail (veil).

Perhaps Moses succeeded in getting a taste of God's mojo, as he now, too, has a face that others can't bear to look at.

Exodus 33

1 And the LORD said unto Moses, Depart, and go up hence, thou and the people which thou hast brought up out of the land of Egypt, unto the land which I sware unto Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, saying, Unto thy seed will I give it:

2 And I will send an angel before thee; and I will drive out the Canaanite, the Amorite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, the Hivite, and the Jebusite:

3 Unto a land flowing with milk and honey: for I will not go up in the midst of thee; for thou art a stiffnecked people: lest I consume thee in the way.

4 And when the people heard these evil tidings, they mourned: and no man did put on him his ornaments.

5 For the LORD had said unto Moses, Say unto the children of Israel, Ye are a stiffnecked people: I will come up into the midst of thee in a moment, and consume thee: therefore now put off thy ornaments from thee, that I may know what to do unto thee.

6 And the children of Israel stripped themselves of their ornaments by the mount Horeb.

7 And Moses took the tabernacle, and pitched it without the camp, afar off from the camp, and called it the Tabernacle of the congregation. And it came to pass, that every one which sought the LORD went out unto the tabernacle of the congregation, which was without the camp.

8 And it came to pass, when Moses went out unto the tabernacle, that all the people rose up, and stood every man at his tent door, and looked after Moses, until he was gone into the tabernacle.

9 And it came to pass, as Moses entered into the tabernacle, the cloudy pillar descended, and stood at the door of the tabernacle, and the Lord talked with Moses.

10 And all the people saw the cloudy pillar stand at the tabernacle door: and all the people rose up and worshipped, every man in his tent door.

11 And the LORD spake unto Moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend. And he turned again into the camp: but his servant Joshua, the son of Nun, a young man, departed not out of the tabernacle.

12 And Moses said unto the LORD, See, thou sayest unto me, Bring up this people: and thou hast not let me know whom thou wilt send with me. Yet thou hast said, I know thee by name, and thou hast also found grace in my sight.

13 Now therefore, I pray thee, if I have found grace in thy sight, shew me now thy way, that I may know thee, that I may find grace in thy sight: and consider that this nation is thy people.

14 And he said, My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest.

15 And he said unto him, If thy presence go not with me, carry us not up hence.

16 For wherein shall it be known here that I and thy people have found grace in thy sight? is it not in that thou goest with us? so shall we be separated, I and thy people, from all the people that are upon the face of the earth.

17 And the LORD said unto Moses, I will do this thing also that thou hast spoken: for thou hast found grace in my sight, and I know thee by name.

18 And he said, I beseech thee, shew me thy glory.

19 And he said, I will make all my goodness pass before thee, and I will proclaim the name of the LORD before thee; and will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will shew mercy on whom I will shew mercy.

20 And he said, Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live.

21 And the LORD said, Behold, there is a place by me, and thou shalt stand upon a rock:

22 And it shall come to pass, while my glory passeth by, that I will put thee in a clift of the rock, and will cover thee with my hand while I pass by:

23 And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen.

When last we left Moses and squirrel, God was unleashing a plague on those chosen people that his hot, waxy messenger didn't slaughter.

Now, God says to bring the (surviving) children of Israel to Canaan, where his angel is driving out all the existing residents: the Canaanite, the Amorite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, the Hivite, and the Jebusite. Who were they? Who cares!? God says "fuck 'em."

But he's still miffed at his "stiffnecked people," whom he'll consume should he find himself in their company. I'll be sure to tell them he said "hi."

I guess they heard him anyway (directly or via Moses?). They're so sad about "these evil tidings" that they don't wear their jewelry. Takin' it pretty hard, I guess.

Apparently, the bling made it hard for God to know what to do to them (even the Big Guy is distracted by shiny objects), so they obliged by going sans accoutrements.

Moses set up the tabernacle outside the camp, and everyone stood and stared at him when he was at the porta-a-temple entrance.

God showed up (didn't he just say he wasn't going to do that?) in his familiar guise of a cloudy pillar, and he talked "face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend," while his consumable creations stood worshipfully.

Moses complains that though God knows him by name and thinks he's a good guy, He doesn't say who he's supposed to hang with as he continues to try to "bring up this people."

He wants YHWH to share with him what He knows, which sounds dangerously like eating from the knowledge tree or building a ladder or stairway to heaven (while also recalling the Frampton classic "Show Me The Way").

Moses really seems to be asking God to "open the kimono," to reveal all his secrets.

Yahweh sidesteps the request, promising that his presence will go with Moses and will give him rest.

The pronouns become a little vague at this point, but the verse #15 appears to be Moses' reply: if you're not going to stick with me, don't send me on any more missions.

He wants extra assurance that the Israelites will keep via-ing con dios, or rather vice versa, which makes them unique among the human race.

God reiterates that he'll be with them, and that he likes Moses and knows him by name. But Moses isn't satisfied. He urges YHWH to show him his "glory."

The Lord says he'll make "all [his] goodness pass before" Moe and shout his own name.

He'll be gracious and merciful to those he's gracious and merciful to. Not sure if that tautology is intended as a brush-back pitch.

But he warns that Moses cannot see his face (presumably meaning in non-cloud form): no one could survive a glimpse of God's visage. Sounds awfully sad, in an "Elephant Man" sort of way. And He tried so hard to be good. Or so I'm told.

He tells Moses to go to a certain rocky place, where he'll cover Moses with his hand as he walks by, and then let Moses catch a peek at the Lord's "back parts." Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Exodus 32

1 And when the people saw that Moses delayed to come down out of the mount, the people gathered themselves together unto Aaron, and said unto him, Up, make us gods, which shall go before us; for as for this Moses, the man that brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we wot not what is become of him.

2 And Aaron said unto them, Break off the golden earrings, which are in the ears of your wives, of your sons, and of your daughters, and bring them unto me.

3 And all the people brake off the golden earrings which were in their ears, and brought them unto Aaron.

4 And he received them at their hand, and fashioned it with a graving tool, after he had made it a molten calf: and they said, These be thy gods, O Israel, which brought thee up out of the land of Egypt.

5 And when Aaron saw it, he built an altar before it; and Aaron made proclamation, and said, To morrow is a feast to the LORD.

6 And they rose up early on the morrow, and offered burnt offerings, and brought peace offerings; and the people sat down to eat and to drink, and rose up to play.

7 And the LORD said unto Moses, Go, get thee down; for thy people, which thou broughtest out of the land of Egypt, have corrupted themselves:

8 They have turned aside quickly out of the way which I commanded them: they have made them a molten calf, and have worshipped it, and have sacrificed thereunto, and said, These be thy gods, O Israel, which have brought thee up out of the land of Egypt.

9 And the LORD said unto Moses, I have seen this people, and, behold, it is a stiffnecked people:

10 Now therefore let me alone, that my wrath may wax hot against them, and that I may consume them: and I will make of thee a great nation.

11 And Moses besought the LORD his God, and said, LORD, why doth thy wrath wax hot against thy people, which thou hast brought forth out of the land of Egypt with great power, and with a mighty hand?

12 Wherefore should the Egyptians speak, and say, For mischief did he bring them out, to slay them in the mountains, and to consume them from the face of the earth? Turn from thy fierce wrath, and repent of this evil against thy people.

13 Remember Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, thy servants, to whom thou swarest by thine own self, and saidst unto them, I will multiply your seed as the stars of heaven, and all this land that I have spoken of will I give unto your seed, and they shall inherit it for ever.

14 And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people.

15 And Moses turned, and went down from the mount, and the two tables of the testimony were in his hand: the tables were written on both their sides; on the one side and on the other were they written.

16 And the tables were the work of God, and the writing was the writing of God, graven upon the tables.

17 And when Joshua heard the noise of the people as they shouted, he said unto Moses, There is a noise of war in the camp.

18 And he said, It is not the voice of them that shout for mastery, neither is it the voice of them that cry for being overcome: but the noise of them that sing do I hear.

19 And it came to pass, as soon as he came nigh unto the camp, that he saw the calf, and the dancing: and Moses' anger waxed hot, and he cast the tables out of his hands, and brake them beneath the mount.

20 And he took the calf which they had made, and burnt it in the fire, and ground it to powder, and strawed it upon the water, and made the children of Israel drink of it.

21 And Moses said unto Aaron, What did this people unto thee, that thou hast brought so great a sin upon them?

22 And Aaron said, Let not the anger of my lord wax hot: thou knowest the people, that they are set on mischief.

23 For they said unto me, Make us gods, which shall go before us: for as for this Moses, the man that brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we wot not what is become of him.

24 And I said unto them, Whosoever hath any gold, let them break it off. So they gave it me: then I cast it into the fire, and there came out this calf.

25 And when Moses saw that the people were naked; (for Aaron had made them naked unto their shame among their enemies:)

26 Then Moses stood in the gate of the camp, and said, Who is on the LORD's side? let him come unto me. And all the sons of Levi gathered themselves together unto him.

27 And he said unto them, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour.

28 And the children of Levi did according to the word of Moses: and there fell of the people that day about three thousand men.

29 For Moses had said, Consecrate yourselves today to the LORD, even every man upon his son, and upon his brother; that he may bestow upon you a blessing this day.

30 And it came to pass on the morrow, that Moses said unto the people, Ye have sinned a great sin: and now I will go up unto the LORD; peradventure I shall make an atonement for your sin.

31 And Moses returned unto the LORD, and said, Oh, this people have sinned a great sin, and have made them gods of gold.

32 Yet now, if thou wilt forgive their sin--; and if not, blot me, I pray thee, out of thy book which thou hast written.

33 And the LORD said unto Moses, Whosoever hath sinned against me, him will I blot out of my book.

34 Therefore now go, lead the people unto the place of which I have spoken unto thee: behold, mine Angel shall go before thee: nevertheless in the day when I visit I will visit their sin upon them.

35 And the LORD plagued the people, because they made the calf, which Aaron made.

Fasten your seatbelts, folks, it's going to be a bloody ride.

• Panicked by Moses' delayed return, the Israelites ask Aaron to "make us gods," i.e., to create idols for them to worship. This violates the deity's second commandment. But sometimes people need a binky to cling to like, I don't know, a cross or something — maybe with a guy nailed to it. Just an idea....
  
• Without objection, Aaron — God's #2 go-to guy — tells the scaredy-cats to break the golden earings (no clip-ons, I guess) off their wives, sons (!), and daughters, and then he melts them into a golden calf. So, squandering a nation's treasure on quixotic homeland-security measures is a time-honored idea.
• The people considered the calf their gods (not sure how one calf is a plural), and credit it/them with delivering them from Egypt, which seems rather unearned no matter how you look at it.
  
• Aaron builds an altar for the golden god and proclaims a feast for YHWH (other translations confirm that the "Lord" the feast is for is the "real one"). If the cow-god is just a tchotchke honoring the big guy, why should this be such a big deal?
• The people served up burnt offerings, and "peace offerings," and they "sat down to eat and to drink, and rose up to play." If you don't mind the burnt-offering part, sounds like a nice little affair.
• But Yahweh is furious, and he tells Moses that the people "have corrupted themselves." He's plainly feeling forgotten as the dude that got 'em out of Dodge Egypt and the all-around right guy to sacrifice to, etc. Like the man said in Exodus 20, "I the LORD thy God am a jealous God." So admirable.
  
• He calls the people "stiffnecked," i.e., "stubborn"
• Then he threatens some Tarantino-esque bad-ass shit: "Now therefore let me alone, that my wrath may wax hot against them, and that I may consume them: and I will make of thee a great nation." That is, "I'll destroy the nation in order to save it."
• Moses asks him to chill, arguing that the Egyptians will assume that slaughtering the Israelites was God's plan even as he was freeing them from Egypt. I'm not sure why YHWH would care what the Egyptians think — though he created everything, he shows absolutely no interest in being their god.
  
• Moses reminds God of his promises to Abraham, Isaac, and Israel: to give them many descendants and land they shall inherit forever
• And the Lord turns out not to be stiffnecked, as he repents "the evil which he thought to do unto his people." So far, so good...
• Moses leaves with the tablets, which it turns out are written on both sides
  
• Joshua, last seen fighting the forgotten war with Amalek, tells the descending Moses of noises that he misinterprets as battle sounds. The world's first case of shell-shock?
• Moses realizes it's not war cries or suffering they're hearing, it's a par-tay!
• Moses isn't the man who loved calf dancing. When he reaches the camp, his "anger waxed hot, and he cast the tables out of his hands, and brake them beneath the mount." Too bad there was no Jed Leland there to say, "I'd like to keep those particular pieces of stone myself. I have a hunch it might turn out to be something pretty important. A document." Oh well, easy come, easy go. And so much for chilling out.
  
• Moses burns the calf, grinds it into powder, puts it in water and makes the Israelites drink it. As David Cross (and how's that for an all-purpose Biblical name?) observes, "tasteless, odorless gold. to EAT! and i thought, 'wow man, if that isn't the ultimate 'FUCK YOU!' to poor people, then I don't know what is." Actually, forcing the poor people to eat the little gold they have is a bigger fuck you. Also, I wonder if "Mythbusters" ever tried burning gold and then grinding it into powder. How you do that?
• Moe asks his bro "wha' hoppen?"
• Aaron doesn't want God to be angry, and he blames it on the mischievous people (not mentioning that he didn't object at all, despite his legendary oratory skills)
• Moses then notices that the people were naked (a quick study, that one), which turns out to be Aaron's way of making them ashamed in the eyes of the enemies (nice excuse for hosting a drop-trou party, BTW)
• Moses asks who's still a Yahweh man, and the sons of Levi (Moses' own tribe) join him
• Moses, who just secured the Lord's mercy on the people says "Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour." WTF, seriously, WTF!?
• And the Levites do just that and kill "about three thousand men." For dancing around a metal cow. So, who was left alive, outside the Levi line, to consecrate themselves and for Moses to atone for about the offending bovine trinket?
• Moses asks God to forgive the sinners or make him unlisted in the book. (Which book? Is God writing a book? I wonder what it's called, and where you can get a copy.)
  
• YHWH tells Moses to take the people to a previously disclosed location, where God's angel will be waiting. And when God visits, he'll "visit their sin upon them." Again, assuming some of the sinners weren't stabbed to death.
• And sure as shooting (or stabbing), God visits one or more plagues upon the people "because they made the calf, which Aaron made."

Heaven help anyone who gets their morality out of this book.

Exodus 31

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 See, I have called by name Bezaleel the son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah:

3 And I have filled him with the spirit of God, in wisdom, and in understanding, and in knowledge, and in all manner of workmanship,

4 To devise cunning works, to work in gold, and in silver, and in brass,

5 And in cutting of stones, to set them, and in carving of timber, to work in all manner of workmanship.

6 And I, behold, I have given with him Aholiab, the son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan: and in the hearts of all that are wise hearted I have put wisdom, that they may make all that I have commanded thee;

7 The tabernacle of the congregation, and the ark of the testimony, and the mercy seat that is thereupon, and all the furniture of the tabernacle,

8 And the table and his furniture, and the pure candlestick with all his furniture, and the altar of incense,

9 And the altar of burnt offering with all his furniture, and the laver and his foot,

10 And the cloths of service, and the holy garments for Aaron the priest, and the garments of his sons, to minister in the priest's office,

11 And the anointing oil, and sweet incense for the holy place: according to all that I have commanded thee shall they do.

12 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

13 Speak thou also unto the children of Israel, saying, Verily my sabbaths ye shall keep: for it is a sign between me and you throughout your generations; that ye may know that I am the LORD that doth sanctify you.

14 Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people.

15 Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD: whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death.

16 Wherefore the children of Israel shall keep the sabbath, to observe the sabbath throughout their generations, for a perpetual covenant.

17 It is a sign between me and the children of Israel for ever: for in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, and on the seventh day he rested, and was refreshed.

18 And he gave unto Moses, when he had made an end of communing with him upon mount Sinai, two tables of testimony, tables of stone, written with the finger of God.

This is no way to treat a contractor.

Unbeknownst to Moses, YHWH has engaged Bezaleel (who, it seems, has two daddies) and Aholiab and downloaded mad skills into their brains. No montage, no nothing. And no prior discussion with Moses. What is he, chopped liver?

God tells Moe to lean on the Israeli peeps about observing the Sabbath. You chill on Sabbath day, you're "sanctified." If not, you "shall surely be put to death" and (?) excommunicated. This arrangement is a "perpetual covenant," which explains why even today believers in the God of Israel are routinely put to death if they do a weekend shift at 7-Eleven.

As a parting gift, God hands over two finger-written stone tablets. Is this the 10 Commandments yet again? Does Moses have a desk piled up with big stony memos from God, all about the same topic?

Exodus 30

1 And thou shalt make an altar to burn incense upon: of shittim wood shalt thou make it.

2 A cubit shall be the length thereof, and a cubit the breadth thereof; foursquare shall it be: and two cubits shall be the height thereof: the horns thereof shall be of the same.

3 And thou shalt overlay it with pure gold, the top thereof, and the sides thereof round about, and the horns thereof; and thou shalt make unto it a crown of gold round about.

4 And two golden rings shalt thou make to it under the crown of it, by the two corners thereof, upon the two sides of it shalt thou make it; and they shall be for places for the staves to bear it withal.

5 And thou shalt make the staves of shittim wood, and overlay them with gold.

6 And thou shalt put it before the vail that is by the ark of the testimony, before the mercy seat that is over the testimony, where I will meet with thee.

7 And Aaron shall burn thereon sweet incense every morning: when he dresseth the lamps, he shall burn incense upon it.

8 And when Aaron lighteth the lamps at even, he shall burn incense upon it, a perpetual incense before the LORD throughout your generations.

9 Ye shall offer no strange incense thereon, nor burnt sacrifice, nor meat offering; neither shall ye pour drink offering thereon.

10 And Aaron shall make an atonement upon the horns of it once in a year with the blood of the sin offering of atonements: once in the year shall he make atonement upon it throughout your generations: it is most holy unto the LORD.

11 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

12 When thou takest the sum of the children of Israel after their number, then shall they give every man a ransom for his soul unto the LORD, when thou numberest them; that there be no plague among them, when thou numberest them.

13 This they shall give, every one that passeth among them that are numbered, half a shekel after the shekel of the sanctuary: (a shekel is twenty gerahs:) an half shekel shall be the offering of the LORD.

14 Every one that passeth among them that are numbered, from twenty years old and above, shall give an offering unto the LORD.

15 The rich shall not give more, and the poor shall not give less than half a shekel, when they give an offering unto the LORD, to make an atonement for your souls.

16 And thou shalt take the atonement money of the children of Israel, and shalt appoint it for the service of the tabernacle of the congregation; that it may be a memorial unto the children of Israel before the LORD, to make an atonement for your souls.

17 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

18 Thou shalt also make a laver of brass, and his foot also of brass, to wash withal: and thou shalt put it between the tabernacle of the congregation and the altar, and thou shalt put water therein.

19 For Aaron and his sons shall wash their hands and their feet thereat:

20 When they go into the tabernacle of the congregation, they shall wash with water, that they die not; or when they come near to the altar to minister, to burn offering made by fire unto the LORD:

21 So they shall wash their hands and their feet, that they die not: and it shall be a statute for ever to them, even to him and to his seed throughout their generations.

22 Moreover the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

23 Take thou also unto thee principal spices, of pure myrrh five hundred shekels, and of sweet cinnamon half so much, even two hundred and fifty shekels, and of sweet calamus two hundred and fifty shekels,

24 And of cassia five hundred shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary, and of oil olive an hin:

25 And thou shalt make it an oil of holy ointment, an ointment compound after the art of the apothecary: it shall be an holy anointing oil.

26 And thou shalt anoint the tabernacle of the congregation therewith, and the ark of the testimony,

27 And the table and all his vessels, and the candlestick and his vessels, and the altar of incense,

28 And the altar of burnt offering with all his vessels, and the laver and his foot.

29 And thou shalt sanctify them, that they may be most holy: whatsoever toucheth them shall be holy.

30 And thou shalt anoint Aaron and his sons, and consecrate them, that they may minister unto me in the priest's office.

31 And thou shalt speak unto the children of Israel, saying, This shall be an holy anointing oil unto me throughout your generations.

32 Upon man's flesh shall it not be poured, neither shall ye make any other like it, after the composition of it: it is holy, and it shall be holy unto you.

33 Whosoever compoundeth any like it, or whosoever putteth any of it upon a stranger, shall even be cut off from his people.

34 And the LORD said unto Moses, Take unto thee sweet spices, stacte, and onycha, and galbanum; these sweet spices with pure frankincense: of each shall there be a like weight:

35 And thou shalt make it a perfume, a confection after the art of the apothecary, tempered together, pure and holy:

36 And thou shalt beat some of it very small, and put of it before the testimony in the tabernacle of the congregation, where I will meet with thee: it shall be unto you most holy.

37 And as for the perfume which thou shalt make, ye shall not make to yourselves according to the composition thereof: it shall be unto thee holy for the LORD.

38 Whosoever shall make like unto that, to smell thereto, shall even be cut off from his people.

God certainly is a gold-digger. The way he wants his tributes decorated with the stuff makes him a regular Auric Goldfinger.

The Lord craves shittim wood, too. Does Ian Fleming have a character named Scatty Shitfinger? Just askin'.

There are rules about what you can do on the altar, including "no strange incense," etc. They wouldn't want anything untoward to happen around a place where they spray animal blood for god-knows-what reason.

Verse #10 speaks of annual atonements, using "blood of the sin offering" (which would be an excellent name for a goth band). Atonement for what, pray tell?

In verse #12-16, the real gold-digging comes in. Count the (20 yrs+) children well, and make 'em pay to pray, to keep the plague away.

Holy Steve Forbes, it's the ultimate flat tax: "The rich shall not give more, and the poor shall not give less...."

And make those check out to "The Children of Israel," to memorialize them and "to make an atonement for your souls." A "ransom" for your souls, if you can't take a hint.

It's not always gold with God, though. He wants a brass sink — a worthy idea for any cult slaughterhouse.

Later we hear that washing will make them "die not," but I'm not sure that holds up over the long haul. Especially since the all-knowing deity doesn't suggest using soap. Also, maybe a sign that says "Employees must wash hands after animal sacrifices." That might be good.

So, why is it that antibacterial cleansers and antibiotics aren't next to godliness? Could it be that God didn't know about germs until Semmelweis figured it out? Nah, couldn't be that.

Finally, we hear about the price of spice and advice about what to oil up with God's special sauces, and where not to use them.

Does anyone (other than Moses) make a Commandments perfume? Could be the ultimate sinful scent.

The restrictions on the use of Yahweh juice — oil and perfume, that is — seem like an early-times equivalent to DRM. Except if you break this law, you're cut off. Ouch.

Exodus 29

1 And this is the thing that thou shalt do unto them to hallow them, to minister unto me in the priest's office: Take one young bullock, and two rams without blemish,

2 And unleavened bread, and cakes unleavened tempered with oil, and wafers unleavened anointed with oil: of wheaten flour shalt thou make them.

3 And thou shalt put them into one basket, and bring them in the basket, with the bullock and the two rams.

4 And Aaron and his sons thou shalt bring unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and shalt wash them with water.

5 And thou shalt take the garments, and put upon Aaron the coat, and the robe of the ephod, and the ephod, and the breastplate, and gird him with the curious girdle of the ephod:

6 And thou shalt put the mitre upon his head, and put the holy crown upon the mitre.

7 Then shalt thou take the anointing oil, and pour it upon his head, and anoint him.

8 And thou shalt bring his sons, and put coats upon them.

9 And thou shalt gird them with girdles, Aaron and his sons, and put the bonnets on them: and the priest's office shall be theirs for a perpetual statute: and thou shalt consecrate Aaron and his sons.

10 And thou shalt cause a bullock to be brought before the tabernacle of the congregation: and Aaron and his sons shall put their hands upon the head of the bullock.

11 And thou shalt kill the bullock before the LORD, by the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.

12 And thou shalt take of the blood of the bullock, and put it upon the horns of the altar with thy finger, and pour all the blood beside the bottom of the altar.

13 And thou shalt take all the fat that covereth the inwards, and the caul that is above the liver, and the two kidneys, and the fat that is upon them, and burn them upon the altar.

14 But the flesh of the bullock, and his skin, and his dung, shalt thou burn with fire without the camp: it is a sin offering.

15 Thou shalt also take one ram; and Aaron and his sons shall put their hands upon the head of the ram.

16 And thou shalt slay the ram, and thou shalt take his blood, and sprinkle it round about upon the altar.

17 And thou shalt cut the ram in pieces, and wash the inwards of him, and his legs, and put them unto his pieces, and unto his head.

18 And thou shalt burn the whole ram upon the altar: it is a burnt offering unto the LORD: it is a sweet savour, an offering made by fire unto the LORD.

19 And thou shalt take the other ram; and Aaron and his sons shall put their hands upon the head of the ram.

20 Then shalt thou kill the ram, and take of his blood, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of Aaron, and upon the tip of the right ear of his sons, and upon the thumb of their right hand, and upon the great toe of their right foot, and sprinkle the blood upon the altar round about.

21 And thou shalt take of the blood that is upon the altar, and of the anointing oil, and sprinkle it upon Aaron, and upon his garments, and upon his sons, and upon the garments of his sons with him: and he shall be hallowed, and his garments, and his sons, and his sons' garments with him.

22 Also thou shalt take of the ram the fat and the rump, and the fat that covereth the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and the fat that is upon them, and the right shoulder; for it is a ram of consecration:

23 And one loaf of bread, and one cake of oiled bread, and one wafer out of the basket of the unleavened bread that is before the LORD:

24 And thou shalt put all in the hands of Aaron, and in the hands of his sons; and shalt wave them for a wave offering before the LORD.

25 And thou shalt receive them of their hands, and burn them upon the altar for a burnt offering, for a sweet savour before the LORD: it is an offering made by fire unto the LORD.

26 And thou shalt take the breast of the ram of Aaron's consecration, and wave it for a wave offering before the LORD: and it shall be thy part.

27 And thou shalt sanctify the breast of the wave offering, and the shoulder of the heave offering, which is waved, and which is heaved up, of the ram of the consecration, even of that which is for Aaron, and of that which is for his sons:

28 And it shall be Aaron's and his sons' by a statute for ever from the children of Israel: for it is an heave offering: and it shall be an heave offering from the children of Israel of the sacrifice of their peace offerings, even their heave offering unto the LORD.

29 And the holy garments of Aaron shall be his sons' after him, to be anointed therein, and to be consecrated in them.

30 And that son that is priest in his stead shall put them on seven days, when he cometh into the tabernacle of the congregation to minister in the holy place.

31 And thou shalt take the ram of the consecration, and seethe his flesh in the holy place.

32 And Aaron and his sons shall eat the flesh of the ram, and the bread that is in the basket by the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.

33 And they shall eat those things wherewith the atonement was made, to consecrate and to sanctify them: but a stranger shall not eat thereof, because they are holy.

34 And if ought of the flesh of the consecrations, or of the bread, remain unto the morning, then thou shalt burn the remainder with fire: it shall not be eaten, because it is holy.

35 And thus shalt thou do unto Aaron, and to his sons, according to all things which I have commanded thee: seven days shalt thou consecrate them.

36 And thou shalt offer every day a bullock for a sin offering for atonement: and thou shalt cleanse the altar, when thou hast made an atonement for it, and thou shalt anoint it, to sanctify it.

37 Seven days thou shalt make an atonement for the altar, and sanctify it; and it shall be an altar most holy: whatsoever toucheth the altar shall be holy.

38 Now this is that which thou shalt offer upon the altar; two lambs of the first year day by day continually.

39 The one lamb thou shalt offer in the morning; and the other lamb thou shalt offer at even:

40 And with the one lamb a tenth deal of flour mingled with the fourth part of an hin of beaten oil; and the fourth part of an hin of wine for a drink offering.

41 And the other lamb thou shalt offer at even, and shalt do thereto according to the meat offering of the morning, and according to the drink offering thereof, for a sweet savour, an offering made by fire unto the LORD.

42 This shall be a continual burnt offering throughout your generations at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation before the LORD: where I will meet you, to speak there unto thee.

43 And there I will meet with the children of Israel, and the tabernacle shall be sanctified by my glory.

44 And I will sanctify the tabernacle of the congregation, and the altar: I will sanctify also both Aaron and his sons, to minister to me in the priest's office.

45 And I will dwell among the children of Israel, and will be their God.

46 And they shall know that I am the LORD their God, that brought them forth out of the land of Egypt, that I may dwell among them: I am the LORD their God.

While I was reading this PETA-nightmare of a chapter, Michael Vick found Jesus. Let's hope he sticks to the New Testament and ignores this part of God's inerrant and morally urgent instruction manual. I can't vouch for what happens in those red pages, but I'm hoping they aren't inked in animal blood.

It's often said that you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket. Another good rule, IMHO, is not put to your livestock in the same basket as your (unleavened, of course) bread, cakes, and wafers. Maybe Uneeda biscuits in an airtight, sanitary package.

That would be a helluva big and sturdy basket to hold all those carbs plus a bullock (a young, usually castrated, bull) and two rams. They just don't make things like they used to.

It's not absolutely clear which "them" are washed in verse #5, but I'll make a guess and say it was the animals. A good, hygienic practice... that's followed by a bloodbath fit for Brian De Palma.

To get ready for what horror directors call the "gags," Moses is to dress up Aaron and his sons in their priestly garb and heap the following on his brother's head: a hat, a headdress, and some oil.

And now, the gory details of what Moses is instructed to do:

#10: By the tabernacle door, with Aaron and sons holding the bullock's head...
#11: Kill the bullock
#12: Fingerpaint some of the blood on the horns of the altars and pour the rest next to the bottom of the altar
#13: On the altar, burn some of the bullock's fat, the membrane above the liver, and both kidneys
#14: Outside the tabernacle, burn the bullock's flesh, skin, and dung, because it's "a sin offering"
#15: With Aaron and sons holding the first ram's head...
#16: Kill it and sprinkle its blood all around the altar
#17: Cut the ram into pieces, wash its innards and legs, and then set them all together with the ram's head
#18: Burn the ram as a "sweet savour" to YHWH (hey, who wouldn't enjoy a tribute like that?)
#19: With Aaron and sons holding the other ram's head...
#20: Kill it and daub some of the blood on Aaron and sons' right ears, right thumbs, and right big-toes; sprinkle the rest around the altar
#21: Take some of the blood on the altars — along with some anointing oil — and sprinkle it on Aaron and sons, and on their clothes; this makes them consecrated (Benjamin Moore calls it Hallowed Red, I call it fucking freaky)
#22: Because it's a "ram of consecration," take the fat, the rump, the fat over the innards, the caul above the liver, and the kidneys (and the fat on them), plus the right shoulder
#23: Give one each of the three types of baked goods to Aaron and sons...
#24: and make them wave them around (then they put everything in a bag, the phone and everything, then go out on the lawn, wave the bag over their heads, and SCREAM LIKE A CHICKEN!!)
#25: Make a burnt offering of the bread, cake, and wafer (if God likes burnt offerings, he should try my wife's cooking — ba-da-dum!)
#26: Wave the ram's breast around; that will be Moe's portion
#27: Somehow make the swung-about ram's breast holy, and wave and heave the ram's shoulder about, even the part that's for Aaron and sons
#28: Aaron and sons will eternally get the "heave offering"
#29: Aaron's descendants will inherit the priestly garments and holy role
#30: Whoever is the current priest will wear the garments for seven days (and never again after that? every seventh day? seven days a month? huh?)
#31: Boil the ram "in the holy place"
#32: Aaron and sons eat the ram and the bread
#33: Eating the food that was prepared in this atonement (for what?) ceremony will make those who eat it holy; don't let a stranger eat any
#34: Burn any leftovers
#35: Sanctify Aaron and sons over the course of seven days
#36: Ritually slaughter a bullock every day, and clean the altar (thank goodness!), blessing it with oil (just to be sure, I'd go with Formula 409)
#37: For seven days make atonement for the altar (atoning for, maybe, ritually slaughtering animals?)
#38: Ritually slaughter two one-year-old lambs every single day...
#39: One in the daytime and one at night
#40: Serve the morning lamb with flour and oil, accompanied by some wine
#41: Ditto for the evening lamb, which will smell sweet when it's burning
#42: These burnt offerings will continue throughout the generations, where God will come by and talk to Moses...
#43: And the children of Israel.

All the sanguinary business over, God says he'll sanctify the tabernacle, the altar, and Aaron and sons. And — news flash — he'll dwell among the Israeli kids and be their God, because he is the LORD!