Leviticus 22

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto Aaron and to his sons, that they separate themselves from the holy things of the children of Israel, and that they profane not my holy name in those things which they hallow unto me: I am the LORD.

3 Say unto them, Whosoever he be of all your seed among your generations, that goeth unto the holy things, which the children of Israel hallow unto the LORD, having his uncleanness upon him, that soul shall be cut off from my presence: I am the LORD.

4 What man soever of the seed of Aaron is a leper, or hath a running issue; he shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean. And whoso toucheth any thing that is unclean by the dead, or a man whose seed goeth from him;

5 Or whosoever toucheth any creeping thing, whereby he may be made unclean, or a man of whom he may take uncleanness, whatsoever uncleanness he hath;

6 The soul which hath touched any such shall be unclean until even, and shall not eat of the holy things, unless he wash his flesh with water.

7 And when the sun is down, he shall be clean, and shall afterward eat of the holy things; because it is his food.

8 That which dieth of itself, or is torn with beasts, he shall not eat to defile himself therewith; I am the LORD.

9 They shall therefore keep mine ordinance, lest they bear sin for it, and die therefore, if they profane it: I the LORD do sanctify them.

10 There shall no stranger eat of the holy thing: a sojourner of the priest, or an hired servant, shall not eat of the holy thing.

11 But if the priest buy any soul with his money, he shall eat of it, and he that is born in his house: they shall eat of his meat.

12 If the priest's daughter also be married unto a stranger, she may not eat of an offering of the holy things.

13 But if the priest's daughter be a widow, or divorced, and have no child, and is returned unto her father's house, as in her youth, she shall eat of her father's meat: but there shall be no stranger eat thereof.

14 And if a man eat of the holy thing unwittingly, then he shall put the fifth part thereof unto it, and shall give it unto the priest with the holy thing.

15 And they shall not profane the holy things of the children of Israel, which they offer unto the LORD;

16 Or suffer them to bear the iniquity of trespass, when they eat their holy things: for I the LORD do sanctify them.

17 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

18 Speak unto Aaron, and to his sons, and unto all the children of Israel, and say unto them, Whatsoever he be of the house of Israel, or of the strangers in Israel, that will offer his oblation for all his vows, and for all his freewill offerings, which they will offer unto the LORD for a burnt offering;

19 Ye shall offer at your own will a male without blemish, of the beeves, of the sheep, or of the goats.

20 But whatsoever hath a blemish, that shall ye not offer: for it shall not be acceptable for you.

21 And whosoever offereth a sacrifice of peace offerings unto the LORD to accomplish his vow, or a freewill offering in beeves or sheep, it shall be perfect to be accepted; there shall be no blemish therein.

22 Blind, or broken, or maimed, or having a wen, or scurvy, or scabbed, ye shall not offer these unto the LORD, nor make an offering by fire of them upon the altar unto the LORD.

23 Either a bullock or a lamb that hath any thing superfluous or lacking in his parts, that mayest thou offer for a freewill offering; but for a vow it shall not be accepted.

24 Ye shall not offer unto the LORD that which is bruised, or crushed, or broken, or cut; neither shall ye make any offering thereof in your land.

25 Neither from a stranger's hand shall ye offer the bread of your God of any of these; because their corruption is in them, and blemishes be in them: they shall not be accepted for you.

26 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

27 When a bullock, or a sheep, or a goat, is brought forth, then it shall be seven days under the dam; and from the eighth day and thenceforth it shall be accepted for an offering made by fire unto the LORD.

28 And whether it be cow, or ewe, ye shall not kill it and her young both in one day.

29 And when ye will offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving unto the LORD, offer it at your own will.

30 On the same day it shall be eaten up; ye shall leave none of it until the morrow: I am the LORD.

31 Therefore shall ye keep my commandments, and do them: I am the LORD.

32 Neither shall ye profane my holy name; but I will be hallowed among the children of Israel: I am the LORD which hallow you,

33 That brought you out of the land of Egypt, to be your God: I am the LORD.

• #1: The Lord tells Moses...
• #2: To tell Aaron and sons that they they should "separate themselves from the holy things of the children of Israel" (I guess not be too familiar with them) and not to profane my holy self. "I am the LORD."
• #3: Tell them that any of their offspring who approach the holy things while unclean will be cut off from me: "I am the LORD."
• #4: Any of Aaron's male descendants who is a leper or who has bodily discharges (ew!) can't eat the holy food until he's clean. And if you're unclean by touching a dead person or having an orgasm...
• #5: Or touching any creepy crawlies or otherwise being unclean...
• #6: Such a dude is unclean until evening and can't eat the holy goodies... unless he washes himself.
• #7: At sundown, he's clean and can eat the holy food. It's his to eat (because he's a priest).
• #8: He shouldn't defile himself with animals that were killed by other animals or died of natural causes (look, this is the fucking word of God, so we paid attention the last four times you said this, OK?)
• #9: They will bear sin and die if they break my ordinances. "I the LORD do sanctify them."
• #10: Strangers and hired hands don't get to eat the holy food.
• #11: But priests who buy slaves get to feed the holy food to them, and to anyone who's born in their houses. "They shall eat of his meat."
• #12: If a priest's daughter marries a stranger (oy vey, a shegetz!), she loses her holy-meat privileges.
• #13: If she's a childless widow or divorcée, and she moves back home, "she shall eat of her father's meat."
  
• #14: If an unauthorized person eats the holy meat, "he shall put the fifth part thereof unto it, and shall give it unto the priest with the holy thing" (which I take to mean he has to pay it back with 20% interest).
• #15: And they mustn't "profane the holy things," the offerings to the Lord.
• #16: Else, they'll bear the sin.
• #17: YHWH also told Moses...
• #18: Tell Aaron and sons and all the Israelites that anyone who offers burnt sacrifices to the Lord, whether to satisfy a vow or given freely...
• #19: They must offer (of their own free will, naturally) an unblemished male cow, sheep, or goat.
• #20: It is not acceptable to offer a blemished animal (God's the type who looks gift cattle in the mouth).
• #21: Same deal with peace offerings: no blemishes.
  
• #22: No sacrifices that are "blind, or broken, or maimed, or having a wen, or scurvy, or scabbed."
• #23: Bullocks or lambs with growths or missing parts will not be accepted.
• #24: And nothing that's "bruised, or crushed, or broken, or cut."
• #25: Don't accept blemished "bread" offerings from strangers, either, "because their corruption is in them." (Why is it that when they say "meat" they mean bread, and when they say "bread" they mean meat?)
• #26: The Lord also told Moe...
• #27: When bullocks, sheep, or goats are brought to the tabernacle, they are held "under the dam" for a week before they're acceptable as fiery offerings. ("Under the dam," apparently means that they stay in the protection of their mothers for a week until they're slaughtered for an invisible guy's whim — and/or to feed the priests.)
• #28: Don't kill cows and ewes and their young on the same day. (O, how merciful!)
• #29: Your offers of "thanksgiving unto the LORD" should be done freely. (Oh, goody, no peer pressure or mindfuck going on here!)
• #30: The sacrifices need to be eaten up on the same day as they're slaughtered . "I am the LORD." (Hey, I thought we had two days. A deal's a deal, isn't it?).
• #31: Therefore ('cuz why?), "shall ye keep my commandments, and do them: I am the LORD."
• #32: Don't profane my name. I will be "hallowed among the children of Israel: I am the LORD which hallow you." (Remember that early self-help book, "I'm Hallowed, Thou Art Hallowed"?)
  
• #33: Don't forget, I'm the guy who got you out of Egypt to be a god to you. "I am the LORD." (There's a term that covers a situation like this, where people idolize an abusive megalomaniac who, say, drags people into a wilderness and threatens and brainwashes them, forces them to build him an elaborate temple, and kills many of them. It's called "Stockholm Syndrome.")
  

Leviticus 21

1 And the LORD said unto Moses, Speak unto the priests the sons of Aaron, and say unto them, There shall none be defiled for the dead among his people:

2 But for his kin, that is near unto him, that is, for his mother, and for his father, and for his son, and for his daughter, and for his brother.

3 And for his sister a virgin, that is nigh unto him, which hath had no husband; for her may he be defiled.

4 But he shall not defile himself, being a chief man among his people, to profane himself.

5 They shall not make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of their beard, nor make any cuttings in their flesh.

6 They shall be holy unto their God, and not profane the name of their God: for the offerings of the LORD made by fire, and the bread of their God, they do offer: therefore they shall be holy.

7 They shall not take a wife that is a whore, or profane; neither shall they take a woman put away from her husband: for he is holy unto his God.

8 Thou shalt sanctify him therefore; for he offereth the bread of thy God: he shall be holy unto thee: for I the LORD, which sanctify you, am holy.

9 And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire.

10 And he that is the high priest among his brethren, upon whose head the anointing oil was poured, and that is consecrated to put on the garments, shall not uncover his head, nor rend his clothes;

11 Neither shall he go in to any dead body, nor defile himself for his father, or for his mother;

12 Neither shall he go out of the sanctuary, nor profane the sanctuary of his God; for the crown of the anointing oil of his God is upon him: I am the LORD.

13 And he shall take a wife in her virginity.

14 A widow, or a divorced woman, or profane, or an harlot, these shall he not take: but he shall take a virgin of his own people to wife.

15 Neither shall he profane his seed among his people: for I the LORD do sanctify him.

16 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

17 Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God.

18 For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,

19 Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded,

20 Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;

21 No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God.

22 He shall eat the bread of his God, both of the most holy, and of the holy.

23 Only he shall not go in unto the vail, nor come nigh unto the altar, because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries: for I the LORD do sanctify them.

24 And Moses told it unto Aaron, and to his sons, and unto all the children of Israel.

• #1: God tells Moses to tell Aaron and his priestly sons that no one should "be defiled for the dead among his people." (Is this about necrophilia or a less-provocative faux pas in handling a corpse... such as handling a corpse?)
• #2: The rules are different for close relatives: mother, father, son, daughter, and brother (I'm seriously hoping this isn't about necrophilia).
• #3: If your late sister was an unmarried virgin, "for her may he be defiled." (Is it just me or does that sound a little odd? I could see it saying that whatever exactly this is talking about wouldn't be considered "defiling," but to say in that case it's a downright upright kind of defiling seems kinda weird).
• #4: Big shots shouldn't defile themselves.
• #5: They shouldn't shave their headsor the corners of their beards, or cut themselves.
• #6: They should be holy re: YHWH, not use his name profanely. Because ('cuz why?) "the offerings of the LORD made by fire, and the bread of their God, they do offer: therefore they shall be holy."
• #7: Holy honchos shouldn't marry whores or a profane woman, and they shouldn't steal a woman for us husband.
• #8: Treat him as sanctified, because he burns bread for me. He should be holy to you, because "I the LORD, which sanctify you, am holy."
• #9: If a priest's daughter becomes a prostitute, she's profaning her father, and she is to be burnt to death.
• #10: High priests, the ones who get anointed and authorized to wear the priestly garments, should not uncover their heads or tear their clothes.
• #11: "Neither shall he go in to any dead body, nor defile himself for his father, or for his mother..." ("Go in to" sounds dangerously close to "go in unto." Now, I'm really worrying that this stuff is about necrophilia.")
• #12: He shouldn't leave the sanctuary (ever?), nor "profane the sanctuary of his God; for the crown of the anointing oil of his God is upon him: I am the LORD."
• #13: His wife should be a virgin.
• #14: He should not marry a widow, divorcée, profane woman, or whore. His bride must be "a virgin of his own people."
• #15 "Neither shall he profane his seed among his people: for I the LORD do sanctify him." (Not sure whether this means treat your kids right, don't screw around, or don't have children with the wrong element).
• #16: Then YHWH tells Moe...
• #17: To tell Aaron that any of his physically defective offspring should not do the priestly rites (specifically, the offering of bread).
• #18: Men with blemishes, blind men, lame men, people with flat noses or growths should not approach the altar.
• #19: Same for people with broken feet or hands...
• #20: Or with crooked backs, or dwarves, or people with blemishes in their eyes, or with scurvy, scabs, or "his stones broken" (yes, it means what you think it means);
• #21: Do not let any physically defective descendants of Aaron near the offerings burned for God. If he's got a blemish, keep him away from God's bread.
• #22: He gets to eat the holy bread (even the most holy)...
• #23: But he must stay away from the vail and the altar because he is defective, and that would profane God's sacred sanctuaries.
• #24: Moses told Aaron and sons and all of the Israelites.

Just when I think I've seen how deeply repellent this book can be, there's a new wrinkle (hmm, are wrinkles blemishes?). Yahweh wants to keep imperfect-looking and physically impaired people the fuck away from his holy offerings. God is love.

Leviticus 20

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Again, thou shalt say to the children of Israel, Whosoever he be of the children of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn in Israel, that giveth any of his seed unto Molech; he shall surely be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with stones.

3 And I will set my face against that man, and will cut him off from among his people; because he hath given of his seed unto Molech, to defile my sanctuary, and to profane my holy name.

4 And if the people of the land do any ways hide their eyes from the man, when he giveth of his seed unto Molech, and kill him not:

5 Then I will set my face against that man, and against his family, and will cut him off, and all that go a whoring after him, to commit whoredom with Molech, from among their people.

6 And the soul that turneth after such as have familiar spirits, and after wizards, to go a whoring after them, I will even set my face against that soul, and will cut him off from among his people.

7 Sanctify yourselves therefore, and be ye holy: for I am the LORD your God.

8 And ye shall keep my statutes, and do them: I am the LORD which sanctify you.

9 For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.

10 And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.

11 And the man that lieth with his father's wife hath uncovered his father's nakedness: both of them shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

12 And if a man lie with his daughter in law, both of them shall surely be put to death: they have wrought confusion; their blood shall be upon them.

13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

14 And if a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you.

15 And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast.

16 And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

17 And if a man shall take his sister, his father's daughter, or his mother's daughter, and see her nakedness, and she see his nakedness; it is a wicked thing; and they shall be cut off in the sight of their people: he hath uncovered his sister's nakedness; he shall bear his iniquity.

18 And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people.

19 And thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother's sister, nor of thy father's sister: for he uncovereth his near kin: they shall bear their iniquity.

20 And if a man shall lie with his uncle's wife, he hath uncovered his uncle's nakedness: they shall bear their sin; they shall die childless.

21 And if a man shall take his brother's wife, it is an unclean thing: he hath uncovered his brother's nakedness; they shall be childless.

22 Ye shall therefore keep all my statutes, and all my judgments, and do them: that the land, whither I bring you to dwell therein, spue you not out.

23 And ye shall not walk in the manners of the nation, which I cast out before you: for they committed all these things, and therefore I abhorred them.

24 But I have said unto you, Ye shall inherit their land, and I will give it unto you to possess it, a land that floweth with milk and honey: I am the LORD your God, which have separated you from other people.

25 Ye shall therefore put difference between clean beasts and unclean, and between unclean fowls and clean: and ye shall not make your souls abominable by beast, or by fowl, or by any manner of living thing that creepeth on the ground, which I have separated from you as unclean.

26 And ye shall be holy unto me: for I the LORD am holy, and have severed you from other people, that ye should be mine.

27 A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them.

To set the mood, a little Martin Luther Lennon:

I stand right up and sing this little song
Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill

And shun. There's a lot of shunning, too, in this slate of moral guidance from our loving Creator.

• #1: Yahweh done told Moses...
• #2: Remind the Israelites not to sacrifice their kids to Molech. He that does "shall surely be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with (you'll never guess...) stones."
  
• #3: "I will set my face against that man" and excommunicate him. (Somehow, sacrifices to a competing god defile YHWH's sanctuary and profane his "holy name.")
• #4: If you shy away from confronting and killing the Molech-lover...
• #5: Then the Lord will set against you and your whole family, as He will with anyone who goes "a whoring" after Molech.
• #6: If you go a whoring after wizards and seers, God'll set his face against you and cut you off from your people.
• #7: So sanctify yourself and be holy, "for I am the LORD your God."
• #8: And observe Yahweh's statutes. "I am the LORD which sanctify you." (This is getting so repetitive, you'd almost think it was some kind of brainwashing. Except of course, it's good and holy and noble and moral and pure and all-around perfect).
  
• #9: If you curse your father or mother, you'll be executed. If you did it, you've cursed your mother or father, and your blood will be spilled.
• #10: If you commit adultery with a married woman, you'll both surely be put to death — even if her husband is an adulterer.
• #11: Sleeping with your mom or stepmom, you're really fucking your father (or "uncovering his nakedness"). You and ma will surely be put to death.
• #12: If you sleep with your daughter-in-law, you're causing "confusion," and you'll both be executed. (In all these scenarios, there is no exception for victims of non-consensual advances.)
  
• #13: If a man has gay sex (or does it mean bi sex, because it says "also lie with..."?), "they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." (Is "they" the two men, the bi guy and his wife, or all of them? This verse is as confusing as sleeping with your daughter-in-law.)
• #14: If you sleep with your wife and her mother, all of you will be burnt to death.
  
• #15: If a man sleeps with an animal, he and the beast are put down.
• #16: Same with woman and beast.
  
• #17: If a man sleeps with"his sister, his father's daughter, or his mother's daughter," they'll be excommunicated.
• #18: Paraphrasing wouldn't do justice to this description of the offense — grounds for excommunication — of sleeping with a menstruating woman: "And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people."
• #19: Don't sleep with your aunts.
• #20: And that includes your uncle's wife, because that's like fucking your uncle. If you do, "they shall die childless." (Does "they" refer to both fornicators, or the uncle and his Mrs.? And what happens if "they" already have kids? )
• #21: Same deal if you "take" your brother's wife.
• #22: Therefore (cuz why?), obey all of God's edicts, to keep Canaan from spitting you out.
• #23: When in Canaan, don't do as the Canaanites do. They did all this bad stuff, and it was abhorrent to me, your Lord.
• #24: Like I told you, you're going to inherit that milk-and-honey flowing land. "I am the LORD your God, which have separated you from other people." (This is before Brown vs. the Board of Education determined that separate wasn't really such a great idea).
• #25: Therefore ('cause you're a breed apart, I guess), differentiate between between clean and unclean beasts and fowls, and don't do things with animals or insects that would make you abominable.
  
• #26: Be holy to me, "for I the LORD am holy, and have severed you from other people, that ye should be mine. (Gosh, this doesn't sound like a nice, inclusive deity, loving creator of all mankind, does it?)
• #27: Oh, and one more thing: if you're a wizard or seer, you'll be stoned with stones.

Leviticus 19

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto all the congregation of the children of Israel, and say unto them, Ye shall be holy: for I the LORD your God am holy.

3 Ye shall fear every man his mother, and his father, and keep my sabbaths: I am the LORD your God.

4 Turn ye not unto idols, nor make to yourselves molten gods: I am the LORD your God.

5 And if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offerings unto the LORD, ye shall offer it at your own will.

6 It shall be eaten the same day ye offer it, and on the morrow: and if ought remain until the third day, it shall be burnt in the fire.

7 And if it be eaten at all on the third day, it is abominable; it shall not be accepted.

8 Therefore every one that eateth it shall bear his iniquity, because he hath profaned the hallowed thing of the LORD: and that soul shall be cut off from among his people.

9 And when ye reap the harvest of your land, thou shalt not wholly reap the corners of thy field, neither shalt thou gather the gleanings of thy harvest.

10 And thou shalt not glean thy vineyard, neither shalt thou gather every grape of thy vineyard; thou shalt leave them for the poor and stranger: I am the LORD your God.

11 Ye shall not steal, neither deal falsely, neither lie one to another.

12 And ye shall not swear by my name falsely, neither shalt thou profane the name of thy God: I am the LORD.

13 Thou shalt not defraud thy neighbour, neither rob him: the wages of him that is hired shall not abide with thee all night until the morning.

14 Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumblingblock before the blind, but shalt fear thy God: I am the LORD.

15 Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment: thou shalt not respect the person of the poor, nor honor the person of the mighty: but in righteousness shalt thou judge thy neighbour.

16 Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour; I am the LORD.

17 Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him.

18 Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the LORD.

19 Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.

20 And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged; they shall not be put to death, because she was not free.

21 And he shall bring his trespass offering unto the LORD, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, even a ram for a trespass offering.

22 And the priest shall make an atonement for him with the ram of the trespass offering before the LORD for his sin which he hath done: and the sin which he hath done shall be forgiven him.

23 And when ye shall come into the land, and shall have planted all manner of trees for food, then ye shall count the fruit thereof as uncircumcised: three years shall it be as uncircumcised unto you: it shall not be eaten of.

24 But in the fourth year all the fruit thereof shall be holy to praise the LORD withal.

25 And in the fifth year shall ye eat of the fruit thereof, that it may yield unto you the increase thereof: I am the LORD your God.

26 Ye shall not eat any thing with the blood: neither shall ye use enchantment, nor observe times.

27 Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

28 Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.

29 Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness.

30 Ye shall keep my sabbaths, and reverence my sanctuary: I am the LORD.

31 Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God.

32 Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD.

33 And if a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not vex him.

34 But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.

35 Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment, in meteyard, in weight, or in measure.

36 Just balances, just weights, a just ephah, and a just hin, shall ye have: I am the LORD your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt.

37 Therefore shall ye observe all my statutes, and all my judgments, and do them: I am the LORD.

• #1: YHWH tells Moses...
• #2: ... to tell the Israelites to be holy, because I, your god, am holy.
  
• #3: Everyone should fear their parents and observe the sabbaths. (Yeah, it's supposed to mean "respect," but tell me that "fear" doesn't suggest to you a little edge, a little intimidation? Some later translations steer away from "fear," some do not. We still say "fear of God" and "godfearing," don't we? Because the implication of quivering obiesence is still part of the deal, no?)
  
• #4: No idols. "I am the LORD your God." (Fasten your redundancy belts. Mr. Bible Writer Man's Alzheimer's is kicking in.)
  
• #5: And if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offerings unto the LORD, ye shall offer it at your own will. (LOL over this order for freely given "peace offerings," both because of the commanding tone and because it follows yet another ominous "I am the LORD your God" warning shot.
  
• #6: Peace offerings should be eaten over one or two days. Burn any leftovers.
  
• #7: It's unacceptable to eat a three-day-old peace offering.
  
• #8: You'll be sinful if you eat a peace offering after its expiration date, because you're besmirching a holy thing, and your punishment will be excommunication.
  
• #9: When you harvest your land, leave the crops in the corners, and don't pick up crops that fell on the ground.
• #10: Don't pick up the dropped fruit in your vineyard, and don't pick every last piece of fruit in it. That stuff is for poor people and strangers. BTW, "I am the LORD your God."
• #11: Don't steal, double-deal, or lie.
• #12: Don't falsely take oaths in my name or swear using my name. And, if I may my drop my own name once again, "I am the LORD."
• #13: Don't cheat or rob your neighbor. Don't hold out your hired hands' pay overnight.
• #14: Don't curse deaf people or place obstacles in the path of blind people; instead, "fear thy God: I am the LORD."
• #15: Don't be an unjust judge. Don't favor either the poor (unfortunately phrased as "thou shalt not respect the person of the poor") or lean toward the mighty.
• #16: Don't go slandering about, and don't "stand against the blood of thy neighbour; I am the LORD." (The latter point is a bit vague, I guess it means not to root, root, root — or shoot, shoot shoot — against the home team.)
• #17: Don't hate your brother or sin against your neighbor, but do speak up if he's doing wrong, lest you be adjudged guilty, too.
  
• #18: Don't hold or carry out grudges against fellow Israelites. Instead "love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the LORD." (That's a great and famous sentiment, though people unsurprisingly always leave out the heavyhanded "I am the LORD" part. It's also "do as I say, not as I do" advice from the sky guy who carries out revenge over four generations).
• #19: "Keep my statutes. Don't let your cattle crossbreed, and don't mix different types of seed in your field. Likewise, linen-wool blends are verboten. (Other translations come down against all blended fabrics. Also, "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with..." is the first time I've seen "gender" used as a verb. I wonder if they had songs like "I Wanna Gender You Up, Baby.")
• #20: If you fuck a slave that's supposed to marry another guy, she'll be "scourged" (Which can mean "chastised" or "whipped." Why should you be punished — you're just the free man who took advantage of a slave?) The two of you "shall not be put to death, because she was not free." (Given the implication that other adulterers are put to death, this means that banging someone's slave is more moral than fornicating with a free woman. Something to teach your children.)
• #21: The slave-fucker needs to bring a ram to the tabernacle as a trespass offering.
  
• #22: By killing the ram, the priest atones for the slave-fucking, and the transgression is forgiven.
  
• #23: When you "come into the land" (when you arrive in Canaan, I presume) and plant all kinds of fruit trees, the fruit in the first three years is considered "uncircumcised" (i.e., "spiritually impure.").
• #24: Fourth-year fruit is a holy offering to YHWH.
• #25: After a mere five years, you get to eat fruit from your trees.
• #26: Don't eat blood (since when?), and don't "use enchantment, nor observe times." (Apparently "observe times" refers to fortune-telling and augury.)
• #27: Don't "round the corners of your heads" or "mar the corners of thy beard." (Not sure I follow this style statement, but whatever.)
• #28: Don't cut your flesh for the dead (sure, no skin off my nose) or "print any marks upon you: I am the LORD" (tattoos are taboo).
  
• #29: Don't make your daughter into a whore, because then this place would be full of whores and wickedness. (Is that really the best argument they could come up with?)
  
• #30: Observe the Sabbath and revere my temple. "I am the LORD."
  
• #31: "Regard not them that have familiar spirits" (cool phrase that, apparently meaning psychics and the like), neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God (Seeing a wizard is to "be defiled." Dumbledore can't catch a break in this book.).
  
• #32: "Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD." That is, stand in respect for old people. And fear God (psst, he is the Lord).
  
• #33: Don't be mean to strangers.
  
• #34: Treat strangers as if they were natives, after all you were strangers in Egypt. "I am the LORD your God." (But we're still supposed to keep 'em away from our holy food, right?)
• #35: Don't cheat when you're measuring stuff.
• #36: Give honest weights (just like Toledo scales).
• #37: Therefore ('cuz why?), follow all my rules and judgments. "I am the LORD."

Leviticus 18

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, I am the LORD your God.

3 After the doings of the land of Egypt, wherein ye dwelt, shall ye not do: and after the doings of the land of Canaan, whither I bring you, shall ye not do: neither shall ye walk in their ordinances.

4 Ye shall do my judgments, and keep mine ordinances, to walk therein: I am the LORD your God.

5 Ye shall therefore keep my statutes, and my judgments: which if a man do, he shall live in them: I am the LORD.

6 None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness: I am the LORD.

7 The nakedness of thy father, or the nakedness of thy mother, shalt thou not uncover: she is thy mother; thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.

8 The nakedness of thy father's wife shalt thou not uncover: it is thy father's nakedness.

9 The nakedness of thy sister, the daughter of thy father, or daughter of thy mother, whether she be born at home, or born abroad, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover.

10 The nakedness of thy son's daughter, or of thy daughter's daughter, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover: for theirs is thine own nakedness.

11 The nakedness of thy father's wife's daughter, begotten of thy father, she is thy sister, thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.

12 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's sister: she is thy father's near kinswoman.

13 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother's sister: for she is thy mother's near kinswoman.

14 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's brother, thou shalt not approach to his wife: she is thine aunt.

15 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy daughter in law: she is thy son's wife; thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.

16 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy brother's wife: it is thy brother's nakedness.

17 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of a woman and her daughter, neither shalt thou take her son's daughter, or her daughter's daughter, to uncover her nakedness; for they are her near kinswomen: it is wickedness.

18 Neither shalt thou take a wife to her sister, to vex her, to uncover her nakedness, beside the other in her life time.

19 Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness.

20 Moreover thou shalt not lie carnally with thy neighbour's wife, to defile thyself with her.

21 And thou shalt not let any of thy seed pass through the fire to Molech, neither shalt thou profane the name of thy God: I am the LORD.

22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.

23 Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion.

24 Defile not ye yourselves in any of these things: for in all these the nations are defiled which I cast out before you:

25 And the land is defiled: therefore I do visit the iniquity thereof upon it, and the land itself vomiteth out her inhabitants.

26 Ye shall therefore keep my statutes and my judgments, and shall not commit any of these abominations; neither any of your own nation, nor any stranger that sojourneth among you:

27 (For all these abominations have the men of the land done, which were before you, and the land is defiled;)

28 That the land spue not you out also, when ye defile it, as it spued out the nations that were before you.

29 For whosoever shall commit any of these abominations, even the souls that commit them shall be cut off from among their people.

30 Therefore shall ye keep mine ordinance, that ye commit not any one of these abominable customs, which were committed before you, and that ye defile not yourselves therein: I am the LORD your God.

We got us some serious hellfire and brimstone this time out.

• #1: God sez to Moses, he sez...
• #2: Tell the Israelites that "I am the LORD your God." (If you don't know me by now...)
• #3: Don't walk like an Egyptian or a Canaanite.
• #4: Do what I tell you, "I am the LORD your God." (Lighten up on that CapsLock key, sport.)
• #5: If you live the life I tell you to live, you'll live a life. You know how I just said to do what I tell you to do because I'm your LORD? Well, do what I tell you because I am the LORD. (When Rudy Giuliani did this Mad Lib, he put "9/11" where YHWH wrote "the LORD.")
  
• #6: Don't come on to your relatives "to uncover their nakedness: I am the LORD." ("Uncover their nakedness" is a rather bald euphemism for, well, you know... So, was Ham boning his father, Noah, back in Genesis 9?)
• #7: Don't uncover the nakedness of your father or mother. (Not sure how that wasn't covered, so to speak, by #6).
• #8: Don't uncover the nakedness of your father's wife. (Is this one of those logic puzzles? I get it, the doctor was a woman!)
• #9: Don't uncover the nakedness of your sister, who is the daughter of your father or mother, even if she was born abroad. (Make your own "born abroad" joke here, and then wonder why this fine point is necessary).
• #10: Don't uncover the nakedness of your granddaughter. (Dear Mr. Bible Writer Man, we understand the theory of relativity. Can we move on now? Or maybe not: the lack of a matching grandson clause is a little worrisome.)
• #11: Don't uncover the nakedness of your sister, y'know, your father's wife's daughter. (Um, two times in three verses. This is getting a little Freudian, my friend.)
• #12: Don't uncover you're aunt's nakedness, either. At least not the aunt on your father's side.
• #13: Same deal on your mother's side.
• #14: Your uncle's wife is also off limits. (No such clause for your aunt's husband. That's nice, a handy loophole for the kind of guy who puts the "uncle" into "unclean.")
  
• #15: Don't uncover the nakedness of your daughter-in-law. (But honest, officer, she was wearing a veil like a whore, and...)
• #16: No sisters-in-law, either.
• #17: You can't uncover the nakedness of both a woman and her daughter or granddaughter (Oh, no, Mrs. Burke! I thought you were Dale!).
• #18: Don't vex your wife by marrying her sister... while your wife is still alive, that is. (There's a murder-mystery premise for you. Also, this is another one without a reverse-gender version, which means that women aren't specifically banned from polygamy at this point, assuming that's what this one is about; maybe that "father's wife's daughter" distinction in #11 spoke to multi-wife scenarios, as well.)
  
• #19: Don't uncover a woman's nakedness when she's menstruating.
• #20: Don't copulate with your neighbor's wife "to defile thyself with her." (Interesting. When Mr. Bible Writer Man starts talking about the neighbor's wife, suddenly the euphemisms fall away. If it takes his mind off his sister, is that really such a bad thing?)
• #21: Don't "let any of thy seed pass through the fire to Molech." (How about a little context, guys? Apparently Molech was a competing god that digs human sacrifices, not that we're quite sure ol "I own all the firstborn males" doesn't swing that way, himself.) And don't "profane the name of thy God: I am the LORD." (This comes out of nowhere, too. Speaking of, does He mean not to swear with his name in the act of lovemaking, or in general?)
• #22: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination." (There it is. A Biblical ban on homosexuality — assuming, of course, that this was written for the male hetero audience; if the target audience was lesbians, then it's a whole other deal. Though trading in Hebrew slaves, killing Sabbath-day workers, and animal sacrifice have gone by the wayside, this narrowminded tradition just keeps on giving. Lines like this make the "holy" status accorded this book most troubling. Because of what some prejudiced twit wrote a few thousand years back, we're supposed to deny equality to one-tenth of our neighbors. Shame on anyone who prioritizes the "sanctity" of this dubious tome over the people it maligns.)
• #23: Bestiality is "confusion." (And a capital crime in YHWH's book).
• #24: Don't defile yourself in the ways I just said not to defile yourself with. The other nations I'm throwing out on their asses in your favor do these prohibited things.
• #25: "And the land is defiled: therefore I do visit the iniquity thereof upon it, and the land itself vomiteth out her inhabitants." ("Visit the iniquity" would be a great Vegas slogan, but it's an interesting choice of phrasing here. Is Yahweh saying he's bringing on the sinfulness or the shame?)
• #26: Don't you or any strangers among you do any of this forbidden stuff. (Correct me if I'm wrong, and I may be, but I don't think so: I'm getting the impression that he doesn't want us to do these things.)
• #27: 'Cause people have been doing this stuff, and they besmirched the land.
• #28: We wouldn't want you to get vomited out of the land, now, would we?
• #29: Anyone who commits "these abominations" will be excommunicated.
• #30: So don't do it, get it? Don't defile yourselves, OK!? "I am the LORD your God."

Leviticus 17

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto Aaron, and unto his sons, and unto all the children of Israel, and say unto them; This is the thing which the LORD hath commanded, saying,

3 What man soever there be of the house of Israel, that killeth an ox, or lamb, or goat, in the camp, or that killeth it out of the camp,

4 And bringeth it not unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, to offer an offering unto the LORD before the tabernacle of the LORD; blood shall be imputed unto that man; he hath shed blood; and that man shall be cut off from among his people:

5 To the end that the children of Israel may bring their sacrifices, which they offer in the open field, even that they may bring them unto the LORD, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, unto the priest, and offer them for peace offerings unto the LORD.

6 And the priest shall sprinkle the blood upon the altar of the LORD at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the LORD.

7 And they shall no more offer their sacrifices unto devils, after whom they have gone a whoring. This shall be a statute for ever unto them throughout their generations.

8 And thou shalt say unto them, Whatsoever man there be of the house of Israel, or of the strangers which sojourn among you, that offereth a burnt offering or sacrifice,

9 And bringeth it not unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, to offer it unto the LORD; even that man shall be cut off from among his people.

10 And whatsoever man there be of the house of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn among you, that eateth any manner of blood; I will even set my face against that soul that eateth blood, and will cut him off from among his people.

11 For the life of the flesh is in the blood: and I have given it to you upon the altar to make an atonement for your souls: for it is the blood that maketh an atonement for the soul.

12 Therefore I said unto the children of Israel, No soul of you shall eat blood, neither shall any stranger that sojourneth among you eat blood.

13 And whatsoever man there be of the children of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn among you, which hunteth and catcheth any beast or fowl that may be eaten; he shall even pour out the blood thereof, and cover it with dust.

14 For it is the life of all flesh; the blood of it is for the life thereof: therefore I said unto the children of Israel, Ye shall eat the blood of no manner of flesh: for the life of all flesh is the blood thereof: whosoever eateth it shall be cut off.

15 And every soul that eateth that which died of itself, or that which was torn with beasts, whether it be one of your own country, or a stranger, he shall both wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even: then shall he be clean.

16 But if he wash them not, nor bathe his flesh; then he shall bear his iniquity.

The Lord tells Moses to tell Aaron and sons and all the Israelites that if they kill an ox, lamb, or goat (either in the camp or out of the camp — i.e., anywhere, right?)...

And if they don't offer it to the Lord at the tabernacle, they have blood on their hands and are to be excommunicated.

The first part of this chapter is vaguely worded — it kind of sounds like God and the priests get all the meat, but the context suggests that it just means that you'll be shunned if you do animal sacrifices anywhere else but at the tabernacle (where, one might note, the priests will get their cut).

The priest will then sprinkle blood and burn that sweet, savoury fat for the Lord.

The people will stop sacrificing "unto devils, after whom they have gone a whoring." Ah, Mr. Bible Writer Man has an ear for the language of sin!

This rule will be in place forever (just like the ritual slaughtering of bullocks, etc.).

Tell the Israelites that they, or strangers in their midsts, who offer sacrifices elsewhere than the tabernacle, they'll be cut off (didn't we just go over that?).

And ditto for anyone (including strangers) who eats any sort of blood. I guess all meat needs to be prepared by the Ice Truck Killer.

God says "I will even set my face against that soul that eateth blood, and will cut him off from among his people." I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it doesn't sound good, especially coming from a guy with a face that makes your head melt or explode or something if you look at it.

The reason for this prohibition is that "the life of the flesh is in the blood." It's for makin' atonement, not for eatin'.

So, don't eat it. Capische?

And if you catch any game, be sure to pour the blood out of it and cover it with dust.

Because, in case you didn't get it the other four times (and in the previous chapters), it's the essence of life, so don't eat it or you'll be struck off.

Also, if you eat animals that died of natural causes or were killed by other beasts, wash your clothes and bathe, because you're dirty until the evening. If you don't, the iniquity will be upon you.

Leviticus 16

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses after the death of the two sons of Aaron, when they offered before the LORD, and died;

2 And the LORD said unto Moses, Speak unto Aaron thy brother, that he come not at all times into the holy place within the vail before the mercy seat, which is upon the ark; that he die not: for I will appear in the cloud upon the mercy seat.

3 Thus shall Aaron come into the holy place: with a young bullock for a sin offering, and a ram for a burnt offering.

4 He shall put on the holy linen coat, and he shall have the linen breeches upon his flesh, and shall be girded with a linen girdle, and with the linen mitre shall he be attired: these are holy garments; therefore shall he wash his flesh in water, and so put them on.

5 And he shall take of the congregation of the children of Israel two kids of the goats for a sin offering, and one ram for a burnt offering.

6 And Aaron shall offer his bullock of the sin offering, which is for himself, and make an atonement for himself, and for his house.

7 And he shall take the two goats, and present them before the LORD at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.

8 And Aaron shall cast lots upon the two goats; one lot for the LORD, and the other lot for the scapegoat.

9 And Aaron shall bring the goat upon which the LORD's lot fell, and offer him for a sin offering.

10 But the goat, on which the lot fell to be the scapegoat, shall be presented alive before the LORD, to make an atonement with him, and to let him go for a scapegoat into the wilderness.

11 And Aaron shall bring the bullock of the sin offering, which is for himself, and shall make an atonement for himself, and for his house, and shall kill the bullock of the sin offering which is for himself:

12 And he shall take a censer full of burning coals of fire from off the altar before the LORD, and his hands full of sweet incense beaten small, and bring it within the vail:

13 And he shall put the incense upon the fire before the LORD, that the cloud of the incense may cover the mercy seat that is upon the testimony, that he die not:

14 And he shall take of the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it with his finger upon the mercy seat eastward; and before the mercy seat shall he sprinkle of the blood with his finger seven times.

15 Then shall he kill the goat of the sin offering, that is for the people, and bring his blood within the vail, and do with that blood as he did with the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it upon the mercy seat, and before the mercy seat:

16 And he shall make an atonement for the holy place, because of the uncleanness of the children of Israel, and because of their transgressions in all their sins: and so shall he do for the tabernacle of the congregation, that remaineth among them in the midst of their uncleanness.

17 And there shall be no man in the tabernacle of the congregation when he goeth in to make an atonement in the holy place, until he come out, and have made an atonement for himself, and for his household, and for all the congregation of Israel.

18 And he shall go out unto the altar that is before the LORD, and make an atonement for it; and shall take of the blood of the bullock, and of the blood of the goat, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about.

19 And he shall sprinkle of the blood upon it with his finger seven times, and cleanse it, and hallow it from the uncleanness of the children of Israel.

20 And when he hath made an end of reconciling the holy place, and the tabernacle of the congregation, and the altar, he shall bring the live goat:

21 And Aaron shall lay both his hands upon the head of the live goat, and confess over him all the iniquities of the children of Israel, and all their transgressions in all their sins, putting them upon the head of the goat, and shall send him away by the hand of a fit man into the wilderness:

22 And the goat shall bear upon him all their iniquities unto a land not inhabited: and he shall let go the goat in the wilderness.

23 And Aaron shall come into the tabernacle of the congregation, and shall put off the linen garments, which he put on when he went into the holy place, and shall leave them there:

24 And he shall wash his flesh with water in the holy place, and put on his garments, and come forth, and offer his burnt offering, and the burnt offering of the people, and make an atonement for himself, and for the people.

25 And the fat of the sin offering shall he burn upon the altar.

26 And he that let go the goat for the scapegoat shall wash his clothes, and bathe his flesh in water, and afterward come into the camp.

27 And the bullock for the sin offering, and the goat for the sin offering, whose blood was brought in to make atonement in the holy place, shall one carry forth without the camp; and they shall burn in the fire their skins, and their flesh, and their dung.

28 And he that burneth them shall wash his clothes, and bathe his flesh in water, and afterward he shall come into the camp.

29 And this shall be a statute for ever unto you: that in the seventh month, on the tenth day of the month, ye shall afflict your souls, and do no work at all, whether it be one of your own country, or a stranger that sojourneth among you:

30 For on that day shall the priest make an atonement for you, to cleanse you, that ye may be clean from all your sins before the LORD.

31 It shall be a sabbath of rest unto you, and ye shall afflict your souls, by a statute for ever.

32 And the priest, whom he shall anoint, and whom he shall consecrate to minister in the priest's office in his father's stead, shall make the atonement, and shall put on the linen clothes, even the holy garments:

33 And he shall make an atonement for the holy sanctuary, and he shall make an atonement for the tabernacle of the congregation, and for the altar, and he shall make an atonement for the priests, and for all the people of the congregation.

34 And this shall be an everlasting statute unto you, to make an atonement for the children of Israel for all their sins once a year. And he did as the LORD commanded Moses.

YHWH, murderer of two of Aaron's sons, tells Moses that Aaron better stay away from "the holy place within the vail before the mercy seat," or else he'll be killed.

But Aaron can come to the holy place with offerings of a young bullock and a ram. His two burnt-offering kids just weren't enough for The Great and Merciful Lord.

He's to wear more linen than a southern lawyer and take "two kids" (ever hear the phrase "too soon," Yahweh?), goats that is, from the congregation as additional sacrifices.

Aaron's supposed to flip a coin or something and see which goat is for the Lord, and which is "for the scapegoat."

The Lord's goat is killed as a sin offering, while the scapegoat is set free in the wilderness. Being a scapegoat doesn't sound that bad, certainly better than being the bullock, which is killed as Aaron's personal sin offering.

Aaron is also to burn some incense (we've just moved past "too soon" into total mindfuck for the guy whose two kids were just burned alive for, y'know, burning incense).

The cloud from the incense needs to cover the mercy seat, otherwise Aaron will (or at least might) die.

He's supposed to sprinkle bullock blood on the east side of the mercy seat and sprinkle bullock blood in front of the seat, using his finger, seven times. Thank goodness we're reading the Holy Bible and not some weird, sick cult literature, eh?

Then Aaron is to kill the goat as the people's sin offering and sprinkle its blood like he did the bullock's.

This is to "make an atonement for the holy place, because of the uncleanness of the children of Israel, and because of their transgressions in all their sins." Got a problem? Kill some livestock!

Aaron's supposed to do this whole ritual by himself, and then he's supposed to make an atonement for the altar (wow, even the altar is a sinner!), taking blood from the bullock and goat and spraying it around the altar's horns. See, nothing freaky going on here!

Now that he's got the holy place, the tabernacle, and the altar all bloody-well cleaned up, he's to bring in the live goat, confess over it all the sins of the Israelites (does that include believing in this ghastly book?). This scapegoat, escorted by a "fit man," carries the sins off into the wilderness.

Then Aaron is to strip off the linen garment in the tabernacle and leave them there, wash himself, put his other clothes back on and cook up the burnt offerings for the people and himself.

The buff dude that shepherded (well, goat-herded) the scapegoat is to wash his clothes and himself and head into the camp.

The skin, flesh, and dung of the goat are to be burned outside the camp.

The skin/flesh/dung burner (looks great on a résumé) is to wash himself and his clothes before returning to the camp.

Forever more, on the tenth day of the seven month, "ye shall afflict your souls" (where's the pleasure in that?) and "do no work at all" (well, a day off is a day off), and the priest will "make an atonement for you, to cleanse you, that ye may be clean from all your sins before the LORD" (which is nice). This, a bit of wiki-ing reveals, is what we call Yom Kippur. Not sure if they do the sacrifices nowadays or if it's never mind the bullocks.

After a few more reminders that this is supposed to be done forever and ever, we find that Aaron did as he was instructed.

Leviticus 15

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses and to Aaron, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When any man hath a running issue out of his flesh, because of his issue he is unclean.

3 And this shall be his uncleanness in his issue: whether his flesh run with his issue, or his flesh be stopped from his issue, it is his uncleanness.

4 Every bed, whereon he lieth that hath the issue, is unclean: and every thing, whereon he sitteth, shall be unclean.

5 And whosoever toucheth his bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

6 And he that sitteth on any thing whereon he sat that hath the issue shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

7 And he that toucheth the flesh of him that hath the issue shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

8 And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean; then he shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

9 And what saddle soever he rideth upon that hath the issue shall be unclean.

10 And whosoever toucheth any thing that was under him shall be unclean until the even: and he that beareth any of those things shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

11 And whomsoever he toucheth that hath the issue, and hath not rinsed his hands in water, he shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

12 And the vessel of earth, that he toucheth which hath the issue, shall be broken: and every vessel of wood shall be rinsed in water.

13 And when he that hath an issue is cleansed of his issue; then he shall number to himself seven days for his cleansing, and wash his clothes, and bathe his flesh in running water, and shall be clean.

14 And on the eighth day he shall take to him two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, and come before the LORD unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and give them unto the priest:

15 And the priest shall offer them, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for him before the LORD for his issue.

16 And if any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even.

17 And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even.

18 The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even.

19 And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even.

20 And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean.

21 And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

22 And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

23 And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even.

24 And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean.

25 And if a woman have an issue of her blood many days out of the time of her separation, or if it run beyond the time of her separation; all the days of the issue of her uncleanness shall be as the days of her separation: she shall be unclean.

26 Every bed whereon she lieth all the days of her issue shall be unto her as the bed of her separation: and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean, as the uncleanness of her separation.

27 And whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean, and shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

28 But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean.

29 And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.

30 And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness.

31 Thus shall ye separate the children of Israel from their uncleanness; that they die not in their uncleanness, when they defile my tabernacle that is among them.

32 This is the law of him that hath an issue, and of him whose seed goeth from him, and is defiled therewith;

33 And of her that is sick of her flowers, and of him that hath an issue, of the man, and of the woman, and of him that lieth with her that is unclean.

This is the law of dishonorable discharge.

According to the God's Word translation, this is — from the get-go — specifically about genital discharge, and given the topics throughout the chapter, I reckon that's correct.

If you've gotten that penile pus (or your hands that touched it) on anything — a bed, clothes, saddle, earthenware, Wiimote — that thing's officially dirty until it's cleaned or broken.

And just like it says in "Physicians' Desk Reference," having a priest slaughter two turtle doves or two young pigeons will help with good schmucky's revival.

Semen also makes you and those who touch you unclean. So does your "lady's time" and similar bleeding at other times (i.e., you're "sick of your flowers"). In the latter case, a couple of turtles (did Mr. Bible Writer Man mean to say "turtledoves"?) or two pigeons must die to atone for your sinful bleeding.

Leviticus 14

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 This shall be the law of the leper in the day of his cleansing: He shall be brought unto the priest:

3 And the priest shall go forth out of the camp; and the priest shall look, and, behold, if the plague of leprosy be healed in the leper;

4 Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean, and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop:

5 And the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water:

6 As for the living bird, he shall take it, and the cedar wood, and the scarlet, and the hyssop, and shall dip them and the living bird in the blood of the bird that was killed over the running water:

7 And he shall sprinkle upon him that is to be cleansed from the leprosy seven times, and shall pronounce him clean, and shall let the living bird loose into the open field.

8 And he that is to be cleansed shall wash his clothes, and shave off all his hair, and wash himself in water, that he may be clean: and after that he shall come into the camp, and shall tarry abroad out of his tent seven days.

9 But it shall be on the seventh day, that he shall shave all his hair off his head and his beard and his eyebrows, even all his hair he shall shave off: and he shall wash his clothes, also he shall wash his flesh in water, and he shall be clean.

10 And on the eighth day he shall take two he lambs without blemish, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish, and three tenth deals of fine flour for a meat offering, mingled with oil, and one log of oil.

11 And the priest that maketh him clean shall present the man that is to be made clean, and those things, before the LORD, at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation:

12 And the priest shall take one he lamb, and offer him for a trespass offering, and the log of oil, and wave them for a wave offering before the LORD:

13 And he shall slay the lamb in the place where he shall kill the sin offering and the burnt offering, in the holy place: for as the sin offering is the priest's, so is the trespass offering: it is most holy:

14 And the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and the priest shall put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot:

15 And the priest shall take some of the log of oil, and pour it into the palm of his own left hand:

16 And the priest shall dip his right finger in the oil that is in his left hand, and shall sprinkle of the oil with his finger seven times before the LORD:

17 And of the rest of the oil that is in his hand shall the priest put upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the blood of the trespass offering:

18 And the remnant of the oil that is in the priest's hand he shall pour upon the head of him that is to be cleansed: and the priest shall make an atonement for him before the LORD.

19 And the priest shall offer the sin offering, and make an atonement for him that is to be cleansed from his uncleanness; and afterward he shall kill the burnt offering:

20 And the priest shall offer the burnt offering and the meat offering upon the altar: and the priest shall make an atonement for him, and he shall be clean.

21 And if he be poor, and cannot get so much; then he shall take one lamb for a trespass offering to be waved, to make an atonement for him, and one tenth deal of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering, and a log of oil;

22 And two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, such as he is able to get; and the one shall be a sin offering, and the other a burnt offering.

23 And he shall bring them on the eighth day for his cleansing unto the priest, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, before the LORD.

24 And the priest shall take the lamb of the trespass offering, and the log of oil, and the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD:

25 And he shall kill the lamb of the trespass offering, and the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot:

26 And the priest shall pour of the oil into the palm of his own left hand:

27 And the priest shall sprinkle with his right finger some of the oil that is in his left hand seven times before the LORD:

28 And the priest shall put of the oil that is in his hand upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the place of the blood of the trespass offering:

29 And the rest of the oil that is in the priest's hand he shall put upon the head of him that is to be cleansed, to make an atonement for him before the LORD.

30 And he shall offer the one of the turtledoves, or of the young pigeons, such as he can get;

31 Even such as he is able to get, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, with the meat offering: and the priest shall make an atonement for him that is to be cleansed before the LORD.

32 This is the law of him in whom is the plague of leprosy, whose hand is not able to get that which pertaineth to his cleansing.

33 And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying,

34 When ye be come into the land of Canaan, which I give to you for a possession, and I put the plague of leprosy in a house of the land of your possession;

35 And he that owneth the house shall come and tell the priest, saying, It seemeth to me there is as it were a plague in the house:

36 Then the priest shall command that they empty the house, before the priest go into it to see the plague, that all that is in the house be not made unclean: and afterward the priest shall go in to see the house:

37 And he shall look on the plague, and, behold, if the plague be in the walls of the house with hollow strakes, greenish or reddish, which in sight are lower than the wall;

38 Then the priest shall go out of the house to the door of the house, and shut up the house seven days:

39 And the priest shall come again the seventh day, and shall look: and, behold, if the plague be spread in the walls of the house;

40 Then the priest shall command that they take away the stones in which the plague is, and they shall cast them into an unclean place without the city:

41 And he shall cause the house to be scraped within round about, and they shall pour out the dust that they scrape off without the city into an unclean place:

42 And they shall take other stones, and put them in the place of those stones; and he shall take other morter, and shall plaister the house.

43 And if the plague come again, and break out in the house, after that he hath taken away the stones, and after he hath scraped the house, and after it is plaistered;

44 Then the priest shall come and look, and, behold, if the plague be spread in the house, it is a fretting leprosy in the house; it is unclean.

45 And he shall break down the house, the stones of it, and the timber thereof, and all the morter of the house; and he shall carry them forth out of the city into an unclean place.

46 Moreover he that goeth into the house all the while that it is shut up shall be unclean until the even.

47 And he that lieth in the house shall wash his clothes; and he that eateth in the house shall wash his clothes.

48 And if the priest shall come in, and look upon it, and, behold, the plague hath not spread in the house, after the house was plaistered: then the priest shall pronounce the house clean, because the plague is healed.

49 And he shall take to cleanse the house two birds, and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop:

50 And he shall kill the one of the birds in an earthen vessel over running water:

51 And he shall take the cedar wood, and the hyssop, and the scarlet, and the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird, and in the running water, and sprinkle the house seven times:

52 And he shall cleanse the house with the blood of the bird, and with the running water, and with the living bird, and with the cedar wood, and with the hyssop, and with the scarlet:

53 But he shall let go the living bird out of the city into the open fields, and make an atonement for the house: and it shall be clean.

54 This is the law for all manner of plague of leprosy, and scall,

55 And for the leprosy of a garment, and of a house,

56 And for a rising, and for a scab, and for a bright spot:

57 To teach when it is unclean, and when it is clean: this is the law of leprosy.

It's leper-cleaning time!

God sez that if the leper is healed to take two clean, living birds, along with cedar wood, scarlet (what's that?), and hyssop. One bird is to be killed in an earthenware vessel over running water (for the obvious medical and spiritual benefits), and the other one (along with the other stuff) is dipped in the blood of the sacrificed bird — a birdbath and bloodbath in one!

The priest sprinkles bird blood on the ex-leper (for the obvious medical and spiritual benefits), and pronounces him clean (counterintuitive, ain't it?).

The priest then sets the surviving bird, soaked in his brother's blood, free. What a beautiful and uplifting image!

The ex-leper washes his clothes, shaves his hair, and bathes. And he was so clean already! He is to hang around (not in his tent) for a week. After the week, he's to shave all his hair and wash his clothes and himself (not sure if this is again or that's when this extra-cleansing ritual is to take place).

The next day, he's to take two unblemished lambs and a one-year-old ewe, along with some fine flour and oil...

The priest brings him and the stuff he brought to the tabernacle, where he slays and waves and all that. He smears some blood and oil on the ex-leper's righthand this-and-that.

Now the guy is considered really clean. The sacrifice is an atonement — for having been sick. This quality of mercy seems pretty strained.

If the ex-leper is poor, he can bring just one lamb and two turtledoves or two young pigeons, and less flour along with the oil, and the priest does his whole schtik with that lesser offering.

The Lord tells Moses and Aaron what to do when he puts "the plague of leprosy in a house of the land of your possession [i.e., Canaan.]" Maybe it's looking a gift horse in the mouth, but if it were me I'd ask YHWH, I don't know, not to infect our neighbors with leprosy. Just puttin' that out there....

Leviticus 13

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses and Aaron, saying,

2 When a man shall have in the skin of his flesh a rising, a scab, or bright spot, and it be in the skin of his flesh like the plague of leprosy; then he shall be brought unto Aaron the priest, or unto one of his sons the priests:

3 And the priest shall look on the plague in the skin of the flesh: and when the hair in the plague is turned white, and the plague in sight be deeper than the skin of his flesh, it is a plague of leprosy: and the priest shall look on him, and pronounce him unclean.

4 If the bright spot be white in the skin of his flesh, and in sight be not deeper than the skin, and the hair thereof be not turned white; then the priest shall shut up him that hath the plague seven days:

5 And the priest shall look on him the seventh day: and, behold, if the plague in his sight be at a stay, and the plague spread not in the skin; then the priest shall shut him up seven days more:

6 And the priest shall look on him again the seventh day: and, behold, if the plague be somewhat dark, and the plague spread not in the skin, the priest shall pronounce him clean: it is but a scab: and he shall wash his clothes, and be clean.

7 But if the scab spread much abroad in the skin, after that he hath been seen of the priest for his cleansing, he shall be seen of the priest again.

8 And if the priest see that, behold, the scab spreadeth in the skin, then the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is a leprosy.

9 When the plague of leprosy is in a man, then he shall be brought unto the priest;

10 And the priest shall see him: and, behold, if the rising be white in the skin, and it have turned the hair white, and there be quick raw flesh in the rising;

11 It is an old leprosy in the skin of his flesh, and the priest shall pronounce him unclean, and shall not shut him up: for he is unclean.

12 And if a leprosy break out abroad in the skin, and the leprosy cover all the skin of him that hath the plague from his head even to his foot, wheresoever the priest looketh;

13 Then the priest shall consider: and, behold, if the leprosy have covered all his flesh, he shall pronounce him clean that hath the plague: it is all turned white: he is clean.

14 But when raw flesh appeareth in him, he shall be unclean.

15 And the priest shall see the raw flesh, and pronounce him to be unclean: for the raw flesh is unclean: it is a leprosy.

16 Or if the raw flesh turn again, and be changed unto white, he shall come unto the priest;

17 And the priest shall see him: and, behold, if the plague be turned into white; then the priest shall pronounce him clean that hath the plague: he is clean.

18 The flesh also, in which, even in the skin thereof, was a boil, and is healed,

19 And in the place of the boil there be a white rising, or a bright spot, white, and somewhat reddish, and it be shewed to the priest;

20 And if, when the priest seeth it, behold, it be in sight lower than the skin, and the hair thereof be turned white; the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is a plague of leprosy broken out of the boil.

21 But if the priest look on it, and, behold, there be no white hairs therein, and if it be not lower than the skin, but be somewhat dark; then the priest shall shut him up seven days:

22 And if it spread much abroad in the skin, then the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is a plague.

23 But if the bright spot stay in his place, and spread not, it is a burning boil; and the priest shall pronounce him clean.

24 Or if there be any flesh, in the skin whereof there is a hot burning, and the quick flesh that burneth have a white bright spot, somewhat reddish, or white;

25 Then the priest shall look upon it: and, behold, if the hair in the bright spot be turned white, and it be in sight deeper than the skin; it is a leprosy broken out of the burning: wherefore the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is the plague of leprosy.

26 But if the priest look on it, and, behold, there be no white hair in the bright spot, and it be no lower than the other skin, but be somewhat dark; then the priest shall shut him up seven days:

27 And the priest shall look upon him the seventh day: and if it be spread much abroad in the skin, then the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is the plague of leprosy.

28 And if the bright spot stay in his place, and spread not in the skin, but it be somewhat dark; it is a rising of the burning, and the priest shall pronounce him clean: for it is an inflammation of the burning.

29 If a man or woman have a plague upon the head or the beard;

30 Then the priest shall see the plague: and, behold, if it be in sight deeper than the skin; and there be in it a yellow thin hair; then the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is a dry scall, even a leprosy upon the head or beard.

31 And if the priest look on the plague of the scall, and, behold, it be not in sight deeper than the skin, and that there is no black hair in it; then the priest shall shut up him that hath the plague of the scall seven days:

32 And in the seventh day the priest shall look on the plague: and, behold, if the scall spread not, and there be in it no yellow hair, and the scall be not in sight deeper than the skin;

33 He shall be shaven, but the scall shall he not shave; and the priest shall shut up him that hath the scall seven days more:

34 And in the seventh day the priest shall look on the scall: and, behold, if the scall be not spread in the skin, nor be in sight deeper than the skin; then the priest shall pronounce him clean: and he shall wash his clothes, and be clean.

35 But if the scall spread much in the skin after his cleansing;

36 Then the priest shall look on him: and, behold, if the scall be spread in the skin, the priest shall not seek for yellow hair; he is unclean.

37 But if the scall be in his sight at a stay, and that there is black hair grown up therein; the scall is healed, he is clean: and the priest shall pronounce him clean.

38 If a man also or a woman have in the skin of their flesh bright spots, even white bright spots;

39 Then the priest shall look: and, behold, if the bright spots in the skin of their flesh be darkish white; it is a freckled spot that groweth in the skin; he is clean.

40 And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean.

41 And he that hath his hair fallen off from the part of his head toward his face, he is forehead bald: yet is he clean.

42 And if there be in the bald head, or bald forehead, a white reddish sore; it is a leprosy sprung up in his bald head, or his bald forehead.

43 Then the priest shall look upon it: and, behold, if the rising of the sore be white reddish in his bald head, or in his bald forehead, as the leprosy appeareth in the skin of the flesh;

44 He is a leprous man, he is unclean: the priest shall pronounce him utterly unclean; his plague is in his head.

45 And the leper in whom the plague is, his clothes shall be rent, and his head bare, and he shall put a covering upon his upper lip, and shall cry, Unclean, unclean.

46 All the days wherein the plague shall be in him he shall be defiled; he is unclean: he shall dwell alone; without the camp shall his habitation be.

47 The garment also that the plague of leprosy is in, whether it be a woollen garment, or a linen garment;

48 Whether it be in the warp, or woof; of linen, or of woollen; whether in a skin, or in any thing made of skin;

49 And if the plague be greenish or reddish in the garment, or in the skin, either in the warp, or in the woof, or in any thing of skin; it is a plague of leprosy, and shall be shewed unto the priest:

50 And the priest shall look upon the plague, and shut up it that hath the plague seven days:

51 And he shall look on the plague on the seventh day: if the plague be spread in the garment, either in the warp, or in the woof, or in a skin, or in any work that is made of skin; the plague is a fretting leprosy; it is unclean.

52 He shall therefore burn that garment, whether warp or woof, in woollen or in linen, or any thing of skin, wherein the plague is: for it is a fretting leprosy; it shall be burnt in the fire.

53 And if the priest shall look, and, behold, the plague be not spread in the garment, either in the warp, or in the woof, or in any thing of skin;

54 Then the priest shall command that they wash the thing wherein the plague is, and he shall shut it up seven days more:

55 And the priest shall look on the plague, after that it is washed: and, behold, if the plague have not changed his colour, and the plague be not spread; it is unclean; thou shalt burn it in the fire; it is fret inward, whether it be bare within or without.

56 And if the priest look, and, behold, the plague be somewhat dark after the washing of it; then he shall rend it out of the garment, or out of the skin, or out of the warp, or out of the woof:

57 And if it appear still in the garment, either in the warp, or in the woof, or in any thing of skin; it is a spreading plague: thou shalt burn that wherein the plague is with fire.

58 And the garment, either warp, or woof, or whatsoever thing of skin it be, which thou shalt wash, if the plague be departed from them, then it shall be washed the second time, and shall be clean.

59 This is the law of the plague of leprosy in a garment of woollen or linen, either in the warp, or woof, or any thing of skins, to pronounce it clean, or to pronounce it unclean.

From a quick look at the simple joys of motherhood, we move into a detailed guide on "How to Handle a Leper."

It describes how Aaron and sons are to evaluate people with blemishes to decide whether they're lepers. They are authorized to declare someone a leper on the spot (i.e., "unclean"), to hold the allegedly inflicted in isolation (enforced how?) while watching for symptoms , or to pronounce the subject "clean."

Can't say as how accurate the various diagnostic methods might be — looking at boils, freckles, and hairs for certain clues. So, let's focus on verses #44-59, which describes what to do when someone is deemed afflicted:

• #44: A leprous man is unclean, and "the priest shall pronounce him utterly unclean; his plague is in his head."
• #45: The leper's clothes shall be torn, his head uncovered, and he has to cover his upper lip and cry "Unclean, unclean." (Seems like lepers have nice life. Thanks, YHWH!)
• #46: For as long as he has leprosy (did they have ex-lepers back then?) he is "defiled" and must live alone, outside the camp. (Thanks, YHWH!)
• #47: The leper's leprous garment, whether it's made of wool or linen...
• #48: "Whether it be in the warp, or woof..." (huh?) or of linen or wool (again?), whether it's leather or otherwise made of skin...
• #49: If that garment shows green or red blotches (either way, a festive yuletide wardrobe choice), it is in fact leprous in its own right, and a priest needs to check it out.
• #50: The priest will quarantine the garment for seven days...
• #51: And if the plague has spread in the warp, woof, skin, etc., "the plague is a fretting leprosy; it is unclean."
• #52: The priest will, therefore, burn the warpy, woofy, wooly, lineny, or skinny schmatta. And where will he burn it? "In the fire." (Always the best place to burn something).
• #53: If the priest doesn't find the plague in the warp, woof, or skin...
• #54: Then he orders the garment washed, after which it's quarantined for another week.
• #55: If after the washing, the plague spots haven't changed their color, and the plague hasn't spread, it's still got the plague in it, and the priest will burn it (in the fire, of course).
• #56: If the plague spots look "somewhat dark after the washing of it," the priest tears the soiled parts out of the garment, skin, warp, or woof.
• #57: And if it still appears in the garment (does he wait another week?), in the warp, woof, or skin, then "it is a spreading plague," and the priest is going to burn it.
• #58: If warp, woof, or skin came out in the wash, they garment is to be washed a second time and then be declared clean.
• #59: "This is the law of the plague of leprosy in a garment of woollen or linen, either in the warp, or woof, or any thing of skins, to pronounce it clean, or to pronounce it unclean." (Is that what this was about? Well, why didn't they just say so? FYI, see Anonymous comment re: "Colophons.")
  

Interesting that in a wilderness dripping with gold, jewels, and enough livestock to pointlessly burn at the drop of a hat, clothing is in such short supply that an elaborate scheme involving top authorities is necessary to give second and third chances to plague-infested garments.

In any case, that was certainly everything we could want to know about leprosy. There isn't a single, solitary fact about dealing with early Israelite leprosy that has been left out of this chapter.

Wrong, lesion breath!

Leviticus 12

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean.

3 And in the eighth day the flesh of his foreskin shall be circumcised.

4 And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days; she shall touch no hallowed thing, nor come into the sanctuary, until the days of her purifying be fulfilled.

5 But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days.

6 And when the days of her purifying are fulfilled, for a son, or for a daughter, she shall bring a lamb of the first year for a burnt offering, and a young pigeon, or a turtledove, for a sin offering, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, unto the priest:

7 Who shall offer it before the LORD, and make an atonement for her; and she shall be cleansed from the issue of her blood. This is the law for her that hath born a male or a female.

8 And if she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons; the one for the burnt offering, and the other for a sin offering: and the priest shall make an atonement for her, and she shall be clean.

Ooh, a widdle baby chapter! At eight verses, it's the shortest yet.

And babies are what it's all about.

• #1: The Lord says to Moses...
• #2: Tell the Israelites that women are dirty for a week after they give birth to a son. It's the same number of dirty days she'd have had with "the curse," aka "her infirmity."
  
• #3: Eight days after birth, circumcise the lad.
• #4: Mom will stay bloody (but in a purifying way) for thirty-three days, during which time she won't touch anything holy or go to the sancturary (this is another rule I'm wondering whether people still practice today, and if not, why not?)
• #5: Girls are dirtier — two weeks of being unclean, and sixty-six days of wallowing in purifying blood.
• #6: When she's done her stint of stewing in her purifying blood, she's to bring a lamb and a pigeon or turtledove to the tabernacle to be sacrificed (Today, where are these simple joys of motherhood?)
• #7: The priest on duty will get her all atoned up, and she'll be cleansed from that bloodiness (figuratively or literally?). This is the law for moms who give birth to sons or daughters (as opposed to hermaphrodites?).
• #8: If she can't pony up a lamb, she's to bring two turtles or young pigeons. That'll git 'er done.
  

Leviticus 11

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses and to Aaron, saying unto them,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, These are the beasts which ye shall eat among all the beasts that are on the earth.

3 Whatsoever parteth the hoof, and is clovenfooted, and cheweth the cud, among the beasts, that shall ye eat.

4 Nevertheless these shall ye not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the hoof: as the camel, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.

5 And the coney, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.

6 And the hare, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.

7 And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you.

8 Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.

9 These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat.

10 And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:

11 They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.

12 Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.

13 And these are they which ye shall have in abomination among the fowls; they shall not be eaten, they are an abomination: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray,

14 And the vulture, and the kite after his kind;

15 Every raven after his kind;

16 And the owl, and the night hawk, and the cuckow, and the hawk after his kind,

17 And the little owl, and the cormorant, and the great owl,

18 And the swan, and the pelican, and the gier eagle,

19 And the stork, the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat.

20 All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you.

21 Yet these may ye eat of every flying creeping thing that goeth upon all four, which have legs above their feet, to leap withal upon the earth;

22 Even these of them ye may eat; the locust after his kind, and the bald locust after his kind, and the beetle after his kind, and the grasshopper after his kind.

23 But all other flying creeping things, which have four feet, shall be an abomination unto you.

24 And for these ye shall be unclean: whosoever toucheth the carcase of them shall be unclean until the even.

25 And whosoever beareth ought of the carcase of them shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even.

26 The carcases of every beast which divideth the hoof, and is not clovenfooted, nor cheweth the cud, are unclean unto you: every one that toucheth them shall be unclean.

27 And whatsoever goeth upon his paws, among all manner of beasts that go on all four, those are unclean unto you: whoso toucheth their carcase shall be unclean until the even.

28 And he that beareth the carcase of them shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even: they are unclean unto you.

29 These also shall be unclean unto you among the creeping things that creep upon the earth; the weasel, and the mouse, and the tortoise after his kind,

30 And the ferret, and the chameleon, and the lizard, and the snail, and the mole.

31 These are unclean to you among all that creep: whosoever doth touch them, when they be dead, shall be unclean until the even.

32 And upon whatsoever any of them, when they are dead, doth fall, it shall be unclean; whether it be any vessel of wood, or raiment, or skin, or sack, whatsoever vessel it be, wherein any work is done, it must be put into water, and it shall be unclean until the even; so it shall be cleansed.

33 And every earthen vessel, whereinto any of them falleth, whatsoever is in it shall be unclean; and ye shall break it.

34 Of all meat which may be eaten, that on which such water cometh shall be unclean: and all drink that may be drunk in every such vessel shall be unclean.

35 And every thing whereupon any part of their carcase falleth shall be unclean; whether it be oven, or ranges for pots, they shall be broken down: for they are unclean and shall be unclean unto you.

36 Nevertheless a fountain or pit, wherein there is plenty of water, shall be clean: but that which toucheth their carcase shall be unclean.

37 And if any part of their carcase fall upon any sowing seed which is to be sown, it shall be clean.

38 But if any water be put upon the seed, and any part of their carcase fall thereon, it shall be unclean unto you.

39 And if any beast, of which ye may eat, die; he that toucheth the carcase thereof shall be unclean until the even.

40 And he that eateth of the carcase of it shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even: he also that beareth the carcase of it shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even.

41 And every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be an abomination; it shall not be eaten.

42 Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or whatsoever hath more feet among all creeping things that creep upon the earth, them ye shall not eat; for they are an abomination.

43 Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that creepeth, neither shall ye make yourselves unclean with them, that ye should be defiled thereby.

44 For I am the LORD your God: ye shall therefore sanctify yourselves, and ye shall be holy; for I am holy: neither shall ye defile yourselves with any manner of creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

45 For I am the LORD that bringeth you up out of the land of Egypt, to be your God: ye shall therefore be holy, for I am holy.

46 This is the law of the beasts, and of the fowl, and of every living creature that moveth in the waters, and of every creature that creepeth upon the earth:

47 To make a difference between the unclean and the clean, and between the beast that may be eaten and the beast that may not be eaten.

Somehow, generations came and went — including ol' Noah, who had to tell all the clean beasts in the world from the unclean ones — without knowing which food was fit to eat.

Well, wonder no more. As long as ye know which beasts chew their cud, what their hooves look like, and such....

• #1: The Lord told Moses and Aaron...
• #2: To tell the Israelites which animals they should eat.
• #3: Animals with parted, cloven hooves are edible, as long as they chew their cud.
• #4: But don't eat ones that meet only some of the criteria, such as camels...
• #5: And coneys...
• #6: And hares...
• #7: And swine. (I betcha saw that one coming. C'mon, G., bacon tastes good, pork chops taste good!).
• #8: Don't eat 'em, and don't touch their carcasses, because "they are unclean to you."
• #9: You can eat any seafood that has fins and scales.
• #10: But all other sea animals "shall be an abomination unto you."
• #11: Did I mention that they're an abomination? Don't eat 'em or touch their carcasses.
• #12: Oh, and BTW, sea creatures without fins and scales are an abomination. Fancy that!
  
• #13: And certain winged birds are inedible abominations: "the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray...."
• #14: And the vulture and any kind of kite...
• #15: Every kind of raven...
• #16: The night owl, night hawk, cuckoo, and — come to think of it — all kinds of hawks...
• #17: And little owls, cormorants, great owls...
• #18: Swans, pelicans and gier eagles...
• #19: And storks, all kinds of herons, lapwings, and bats (note to Mr. Bible Writer Man: bats aren't birds).
• #20: "All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you." (What birds creep upon all fours? Well, whatever they are, puh!)
• #21: You can eat every flying creeping thing that goes on all fours, as long as their legs are above their feet. (Are we talking flying squirrels here? Sorry, Rocky.)
• #22: You can eat all kinds of locusts and bald locusts (what could be cleaner?), beetles, and grasshoppers. (Oh, that kind of flying, creeping thing.)
  
• #23: But four-footed flying creeping things are dis-gusting!
• #24: Anyone who touches the carcasses of flying, creeping, four-footed insects shall be unclean until evening. (Also, don't get wet, eat after midnight, or get exposed to direct sunlight).
• #25: If you do touch them, wash your clothes. And, if I didn't mention it, you'll be dirty until the evening.
• #26: If you touch animals that break the hoof/cud rules, you'll be unclean.
• #27: Four-legged animals that go on paws are unclean. (Good news, Fido Roverspot! I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy but they're definitely dirty. But, a dog's got personality. Personality goes a long way.). Touch one of their carcasses, you'll be unclean until the evening.
• #28: Just so's you know, if you touch those carcasses, you should wash your clothes... but you'll still be unclean until the evening.
• #29: Don't eat other unclean creeping things: weasels, mice, and all kinds of tortoises.
• #30: And ferrets, chameleons, lizards, snails, and moles.
• #31: Don't touch them. And — guess what? — if you do, you'll be unclean until evening.
• #32: Wash anything on which dead, unclean beasts fall. But it shall be unclean until evening, even so.
• #33: If an unclean critter falls onto an earthenware vessel, the vessel is now unclean, so break it.
• #34: Any food or water served in such a dirty vessel is unclean.
• #35: Everything where any part of the carcass fell is unclean; whatever touches them, break it.
• #36: However, a fountain or pit with a lot of water will be clean, although wherever the carcasses touched is dirty. (Not sure how that works — you just avoid the water molecules that the dead bug touched ?)
• #37: If part of a carcass falls on a seed you're going to sow, it's clean...
• #38: But any water put on either that seed or on the carcass will be dirty.
  
• #39: If any animal of the sort you're allowed to eat up and dies, then people who touch its carcass will be dirty until evening.
• #40: If you eat such a beast, you are — quelle surprise! — to wash your clothes and be officially unclean until the evening. (Actually, this is a little different: the first reference to actually eating the unclean stuff. If you scarf down the Endless Shrimp® at Red Lobster or pig out on a Honeybaked Ham®, is that all that happens? No repercussions worse than for, say, brushing against a dead insect? And if you eat those trayf tasties in the evening, do you get a free pass or are you dirty until sundown tomorrow? I'll bet on the latter, but still the punishment doesn't sound enough to keep me from crustaceans and pulled pork).
• #41: Don't eat creeping things that creep upon the earth (as opposed to those that creep through the air?).
• #42: Creatures that travel on their belly or go upon all fours (Huh? Did we just put Hebrew National® out of business? Oh, wait, this must mean animals that crawl on all fours.) or has lots of feet, don't eat them. They're gross!
• #43: Don't become disgusting with any creeping thing that creeps or become disgusting with them, because then you'd be disgusting.
• #44: Because I am the Lord, make yourselves holy, because I am holy. Don't defile yourselves with with crawling insects (Well, there was this one time in the woods. A man gets lonely sometimes, and...)
• #45: I'm the guy that got you out of Egypt and into this fabulous wilderness, in order to be your deity. You should be holy because I am holy.
• #46: This is the food law re: animals, birds, water creatures, and creepers.
• #47: And, in case you hadn't noticed, this chapter tells you what's clean and edible and what's dirty and inedible.