Numbers 2

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying,

2 Every man of the children of Israel shall pitch by his own standard, with the ensign of their father's house: far off about the tabernacle of the congregation shall they pitch.

3 And on the east side toward the rising of the sun shall they of the standard of the camp of Judah pitch throughout their armies: and Nahshon the son of Amminadab shall be captain of the children of Judah.

4 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were threescore and fourteen thousand and six hundred.

5 And those that do pitch next unto him shall be the tribe of Issachar: and Nethaneel the son of Zuar shall be captain of the children of Issachar.

6 And his host, and those that were numbered thereof, were fifty and four thousand and four hundred.

7 Then the tribe of Zebulun: and Eliab the son of Helon shall be captain of the children of Zebulun.

8 And his host, and those that were numbered thereof, were fifty and seven thousand and four hundred.

9 All that were numbered in the camp of Judah were an hundred thousand and fourscore thousand and six thousand and four hundred, throughout their armies. These shall first set forth.

10 On the south side shall be the standard of the camp of Reuben according to their armies: and the captain of the children of Reuben shall be Elizur the son of Shedeur.

11 And his host, and those that were numbered thereof, were forty and six thousand and five hundred.

12 And those which pitch by him shall be the tribe of Simeon: and the captain of the children of Simeon shall be Shelumiel the son of Zurishaddai.

13 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were fifty and nine thousand and three hundred.

14 Then the tribe of Gad: and the captain of the sons of Gad shall be Eliasaph the son of Reuel.

15 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were forty and five thousand and six hundred and fifty.

16 All that were numbered in the camp of Reuben were an hundred thousand and fifty and one thousand and four hundred and fifty, throughout their armies. And they shall set forth in the second rank.

17 Then the tabernacle of the congregation shall set forward with the camp of the Levites in the midst of the camp: as they encamp, so shall they set forward, every man in his place by their standards.

18 On the west side shall be the standard of the camp of Ephraim according to their armies: and the captain of the sons of Ephraim shall be Elishama the son of Ammihud.

19 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were forty thousand and five hundred.

20 And by him shall be the tribe of Manasseh: and the captain of the children of Manasseh shall be Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur.

21 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were thirty and two thousand and two hundred.

22 Then the tribe of Benjamin: and the captain of the sons of Benjamin shall be Abidan the son of Gideoni.

23 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were thirty and five thousand and four hundred.

24 All that were numbered of the camp of Ephraim were an hundred thousand and eight thousand and an hundred, throughout their armies. And they shall go forward in the third rank.

25 The standard of the camp of Dan shall be on the north side by their armies: and the captain of the children of Dan shall be Ahiezer the son of Ammishaddai.

26 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were threescore and two thousand and seven hundred.

27 And those that encamp by him shall be the tribe of Asher: and the captain of the children of Asher shall be Pagiel the son of Ocran.

28 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were forty and one thousand and five hundred.

29 Then the tribe of Naphtali: and the captain of the children of Naphtali shall be Ahira the son of Enan.

30 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were fifty and three thousand and four hundred.

31 All they that were numbered in the camp of Dan were an hundred thousand and fifty and seven thousand and six hundred. They shall go hindmost with their standards.

32 These are those which were numbered of the children of Israel by the house of their fathers: all those that were numbered of the camps throughout their hosts were six hundred thousand and three thousand and five hundred and fifty.

33 But the Levites were not numbered among the children of Israel; as the LORD commanded Moses.

34 And the children of Israel did according to all that the LORD commanded Moses: so they pitched by their standards, and so they set forward, every one after their families, according to the house of their fathers.

YHWH tells Moses and Aaron that each tribe should fly its own flag in the camp, and he specifies where each sub-camp should be placed, with the number in each clan elaborated again.

The Levites aren't part of that headcount, and like Malcolm, a monkey, or Hillary Clinton, they occupy the middle ground.

Numbers 1

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses in the wilderness of Sinai, in the tabernacle of the congregation, on the first day of the second month, in the second year after they were come out of the land of Egypt, saying,

2 Take ye the sum of all the congregation of the children of Israel, after their families, by the house of their fathers, with the number of their names, every male by their polls;

3 From twenty years old and upward, all that are able to go forth to war in Israel: thou and Aaron shall number them by their armies.

4 And with you there shall be a man of every tribe; every one head of the house of his fathers.

5 And these are the names of the men that shall stand with you: of the tribe of Reuben; Elizur the son of Shedeur.

6 Of Simeon; Shelumiel the son of Zurishaddai.

7 Of Judah; Nahshon the son of Amminadab.

8 Of Issachar; Nethaneel the son of Zuar.

9 Of Zebulun; Eliab the son of Helon.

10 Of the children of Joseph: of Ephraim; Elishama the son of Ammihud: of Manasseh; Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur.

11 Of Benjamin; Abidan the son of Gideoni.

12 Of Dan; Ahiezer the son of Ammishaddai.

13 Of Asher; Pagiel the son of Ocran.

14 Of Gad; Eliasaph the son of Deuel.

15 Of Naphtali; Ahira the son of Enan.

16 These were the renowned of the congregation, princes of the tribes of their fathers, heads of thousands in Israel.

17 And Moses and Aaron took these men which are expressed by their names:

18 And they assembled all the congregation together on the first day of the second month, and they declared their pedigrees after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, by their polls.

19 As the LORD commanded Moses, so he numbered them in the wilderness of Sinai.

20 And the children of Reuben, Israel's eldest son, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, by their polls, every male from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

21 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Reuben, were forty and six thousand and five hundred.

22 Of the children of Simeon, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, those that were numbered of them, according to the number of the names, by their polls, every male from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

23 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Simeon, were fifty and nine thousand and three hundred.

24 Of the children of Gad, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

25 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Gad, were forty and five thousand six hundred and fifty.

26 Of the children of Judah, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

27 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Judah, were threescore and fourteen thousand and six hundred.

28 Of the children of Issachar, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

29 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Issachar, were fifty and four thousand and four hundred.

30 Of the children of Zebulun, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

31 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Zebulun, were fifty and seven thousand and four hundred.

32 Of the children of Joseph, namely, of the children of Ephraim, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

33 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Ephraim, were forty thousand and five hundred.

34 Of the children of Manasseh, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

35 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Manasseh, were thirty and two thousand and two hundred.

36 Of the children of Benjamin, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

37 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Benjamin, were thirty and five thousand and four hundred.

38 Of the children of Dan, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

39 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Dan, were threescore and two thousand and seven hundred.

40 Of the children of Asher, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

41 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Asher, were forty and one thousand and five hundred.

42 Of the children of Naphtali, throughout their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

43 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Naphtali, were fifty and three thousand and four hundred.

44 These are those that were numbered, which Moses and Aaron numbered, and the princes of Israel, being twelve men: each one was for the house of his fathers.

45 So were all those that were numbered of the children of Israel, by the house of their fathers, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war in Israel;

46 Even all they that were numbered were six hundred thousand and three thousand and five hundred and fifty.

47 But the Levites after the tribe of their fathers were not numbered among them.

48 For the LORD had spoken unto Moses, saying,

49 Only thou shalt not number the tribe of Levi, neither take the sum of them among the children of Israel:

50 But thou shalt appoint the Levites over the tabernacle of testimony, and over all the vessels thereof, and over all things that belong to it: they shall bear the tabernacle, and all the vessels thereof; and they shall minister unto it, and shall encamp round about the tabernacle.

51 And when the tabernacle setteth forward, the Levites shall take it down: and when the tabernacle is to be pitched, the Levites shall set it up: and the stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death.

52 And the children of Israel shall pitch their tents, every man by his own camp, and every man by his own standard, throughout their hosts.

53 But the Levites shall pitch round about the tabernacle of testimony, that there be no wrath upon the congregation of the children of Israel: and the Levites shall keep the charge of the tabernacle of testimony.

54 And the children of Israel did according to all that the LORD commanded Moses, so did they.

A year and a month after the Israelites left Egypt, God talked to Moses at the Wild Mid-East Tabernacle.

He told Moe to run a census (this new chapter is clearly living up to its name), counting up all the males in each family.

Everyone twenty and older who is able (does "other priorities" count as an excuse?) will join Moses and Aaron in a war in Israel.

I wish this thing came with a map, because I'm not sure of where the land of Israel is, relative to Canaan — the land promised to the Israelites and the burial place of Israel/Jacob.

Is "Israel" an alias for the same place? This doesn't sound like a border dispute, since Israel isn't listed as a bordering land.

As you may recall from Genesis 9, Canaan (the person) was the son of Ham. After Ham apparently raped his sleeping father, Noah, the arkman condemned Ham's son, Canaan, to the life of "a servant of servants" to his uncles (Ham's brothers), Shem and Japheth.

Among those serving will be "every one head of the house of his fathers," and they're called out by name and lineage. Eleven of the twelve sons of Israel are represented, and daughter Dinah and any progeny she may have had aren't mentioned at all. Nor, it turns out, is she mentioned anywhere past Genesis.

"These were the renowned of the congregation, princes of the tribes of their fathers, heads of thousands in Israel." But, again, where is this Israel place? Is that what they're calling this wilderness? Is Israel wherever this passel of Israelites might be?

Because the 20+ male population of 603,550 is identical to that derived from the temple-tax records in Leviticus 38. Holy homeostasis, Batman! Pretty impressive that new generations perfectly replaced those put to death for working on the Sabbath and other godly reasons, as well as accidents, leprosy, old age, etc.

The sons of Levi (Moses and Aaron's tribe) were left out of the count and excused from service, like so many Romney missionaries in a time of war.

They also serve who pitch and break down garishly stocked porto-temples, killing strangers who come near.

The soldiering tribes each set up their own mini-camps, and the Levites stay close by the tabernacle.

To all who would have one, a Merry Christmas!

One of the cool things about being an atheist is that there’s no orthodoxy that says things like whether we are or aren’t supposed to enjoy Christmas or whatever you like to call this solstice fest.

I certainly do, and I wish peace, love, and happiness to one and all today, tomorrow, and all 366 days of 2008!

The week in-between and beyond that, that’s up to you. :v)

Leviticus 27

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When a man shall make a singular vow, the persons shall be for the LORD by thy estimation.

3 And thy estimation shall be of the male from twenty years old even unto sixty years old, even thy estimation shall be fifty shekels of silver, after the shekel of the sanctuary.

4 And if it be a female, then thy estimation shall be thirty shekels.

5 And if it be from five years old even unto twenty years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male twenty shekels, and for the female ten shekels.

6 And if it be from a month old even unto five years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male five shekels of silver, and for the female thy estimation shall be three shekels of silver.

7 And if it be from sixty years old and above; if it be a male, then thy estimation shall be fifteen shekels, and for the female ten shekels.

8 But if he be poorer than thy estimation, then he shall present himself before the priest, and the priest shall value him; according to his ability that vowed shall the priest value him.

9 And if it be a beast, whereof men bring an offering unto the LORD, all that any man giveth of such unto the LORD shall be holy.

10 He shall not alter it, nor change it, a good for a bad, or a bad for a good: and if he shall at all change beast for beast, then it and the exchange thereof shall be holy.

11 And if it be any unclean beast, of which they do not offer a sacrifice unto the LORD, then he shall present the beast before the priest:

12 And the priest shall value it, whether it be good or bad: as thou valuest it, who art the priest, so shall it be.

13 But if he will at all redeem it, then he shall add a fifth part thereof unto thy estimation.

14 And when a man shall sanctify his house to be holy unto the LORD, then the priest shall estimate it, whether it be good or bad: as the priest shall estimate it, so shall it stand.

15 And if he that sanctified it will redeem his house, then he shall add the fifth part of the money of thy estimation unto it, and it shall be his.

16 And if a man shall sanctify unto the LORD some part of a field of his possession, then thy estimation shall be according to the seed thereof: an homer of barley seed shall be valued at fifty shekels of silver.

17 If he sanctify his field from the year of jubile, according to thy estimation it shall stand.

18 But if he sanctify his field after the jubile, then the priest shall reckon unto him the money according to the years that remain, even unto the year of the jubile, and it shall be abated from thy estimation.

19 And if he that sanctified the field will in any wise redeem it, then he shall add the fifth part of the money of thy estimation unto it, and it shall be assured to him.

20 And if he will not redeem the field, or if he have sold the field to another man, it shall not be redeemed any more.

21 But the field, when it goeth out in the jubile, shall be holy unto the LORD, as a field devoted; the possession thereof shall be the priest's.

22 And if a man sanctify unto the LORD a field which he hath bought, which is not of the fields of his possession;

23 Then the priest shall reckon unto him the worth of thy estimation, even unto the year of the jubile: and he shall give thine estimation in that day, as a holy thing unto the LORD.

24 In the year of the jubile the field shall return unto him of whom it was bought, even to him to whom the possession of the land did belong.

25 And all thy estimations shall be according to the shekel of the sanctuary: twenty gerahs shall be the shekel.

26 Only the firstling of the beasts, which should be the LORD's firstling, no man shall sanctify it; whether it be ox, or sheep: it is the LORD's.

27 And if it be of an unclean beast, then he shall redeem it according to thine estimation, and shall add a fifth part of it thereto: or if it be not redeemed, then it shall be sold according to thy estimation.

28 Notwithstanding no devoted thing, that a man shall devote unto the LORD of all that he hath, both of man and beast, and of the field of his possession, shall be sold or redeemed: every devoted thing is most holy unto the LORD.

29 None devoted, which shall be devoted of men, shall be redeemed; but shall surely be put to death.

30 And all the tithe of the land, whether of the seed of the land, or of the fruit of the tree, is the LORD's: it is holy unto the LORD.

31 And if a man will at all redeem ought of his tithes, he shall add thereto the fifth part thereof.

32 And concerning the tithe of the herd, or of the flock, even of whatsoever passeth under the rod, the tenth shall be holy unto the LORD.

33 He shall not search whether it be good or bad, neither shall he change it: and if he change it at all, then both it and the change thereof shall be holy; it shall not be redeemed.

34 These are the commandments, which the LORD commanded Moses for the children of Israel in mount Sinai.

In a break from the usual septomania, this chapter is brought to you by the number 3/5.

As we reach the 3/5 mark of the Pentateuch, we learn that women are worth 3/5 as much as a man. Hell, that's as much as a Southern slave!

They say the Bible is full of Good News, and this chapter is just that for women of a certain age: after sixty years old, women become worth a whole 2/3 of a man. That's pretty generous, given that women are twice as dirty as men.

Bargain hunters should note that from five-to-twenty years old, females are priced at a discounted rate of 1/2 a male. Smart shoppers compare!

What's unclear is what these valuations mean. Verse #2 speaks of a "singular vow," where "the persons shall be for the LORD by thy estimation."

Apparently, people can be conscripted to the Lord. It's not immediately obvious whether His holy price schedule represents just a buyback price, or a sale price as well. And the currency is silver, in denominations defined by the tabernacle.

In any event, if people are "poorer than thy estimation, then he shall present himself before the priest, and the priest shall value him; according to his ability that vowed shall the priest value him." Assuming we're talking buyback, this is a blessing to the poor, that they can buy their way out of slavery to the Lord at a discounted rate. The Lord is merciful!

If, instead of a person, it's a critter of the offering type being proffered, it becomes de facto holy. It can't be modded (not even "legs off, fins on, simple metal tube through the back of his head so it could breath, bits of gold paint, make good"?) or replaced. And if you do replace it, both the original and the shemp become holy.

If it's an unclean, non-offering type of beast, the priest values it. And if you want to buy it back, you have to add a 20% premium (take my fifths, please!).

If you give houses to be holy (we can watch the white doves go), the priest estimates those, too, and the usual 20% buyback premium applies.

If you give the Lord a part of your field, the estimates are based on the seeds (unlike NCAA brackets, where the seeds are based on the estimates). An homer of barley seed (Mmm, barley seed! Hey, didn't that used to be "omer"?) is worth the price of a man (or 1.67 women).

There's fine print about transactions in and around jubilee years, yadda, yadda, yadda.

YHWH reminds us that firstborn animals are already his. You won't get any consecration credit for tendering those beasts.

As to what kind of profit or non-profit venture we're dealing with here, note that if you don't buy back an unclean beast, "then it shall be sold according to thy estimation." Are the other offerings, including perhaps the people, being sold like lemon squares at a bake sale?

Other translations of verse #28 ("Notwithstanding no devoted thing, that a man shall devote unto the LORD of all that he hath, both of man and beast, and of the field of his possession, shall be sold or redeemed: every devoted thing is most holy unto the LORD) clarify that some of these people, animals, and fields are "devoted" for destruction. These earmarked victims cannot be bought back, they "shall surely be put to death."

Whatever is tithed is holy, so holy that it can be bought back with a 20% vig.

Every tenth creature in a herd or flock becomes the Lord's holy property, as determined by when they pass under a rod. That's regardless of the quality of the designated beast. Again, if you try to replace it with another, you've just committed the replacement and the original.

And, for the last time in this Godforsaken (or at least frequently abominable) chapter, we hear that "These are the commandments, which the LORD commanded Moses for the children of Israel in mount Sinai."

Leviticus 26

1 Ye shall make you no idols nor graven image, neither rear you up a standing image, neither shall ye set up any image of stone in your land, to bow down unto it: for I am the LORD your God.

2 Ye shall keep my sabbaths, and reverence my sanctuary: I am the LORD.

3 If ye walk in my statutes, and keep my commandments, and do them;

4 Then I will give you rain in due season, and the land shall yield her increase, and the trees of the field shall yield their fruit.

5 And your threshing shall reach unto the vintage, and the vintage shall reach unto the sowing time: and ye shall eat your bread to the full, and dwell in your land safely.

6 And I will give peace in the land, and ye shall lie down, and none shall make you afraid: and I will rid evil beasts out of the land, neither shall the sword go through your land.

7 And ye shall chase your enemies, and they shall fall before you by the sword.

8 And five of you shall chase an hundred, and an hundred of you shall put ten thousand to flight: and your enemies shall fall before you by the sword.

9 For I will have respect unto you, and make you fruitful, and multiply you, and establish my covenant with you.

10 And ye shall eat old store, and bring forth the old because of the new.

11 And I set my tabernacle among you: and my soul shall not abhor you.

12 And I will walk among you, and will be your God, and ye shall be my people.

13 I am the LORD your God, which brought you forth out of the land of Egypt, that ye should not be their bondmen; and I have broken the bands of your yoke, and made you go upright.

14 But if ye will not hearken unto me, and will not do all these commandments;

15 And if ye shall despise my statutes, or if your soul abhor my judgments, so that ye will not do all my commandments, but that ye break my covenant:

16 I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it.

17 And I will set my face against you, and ye shall be slain before your enemies: they that hate you shall reign over you; and ye shall flee when none pursueth you.

18 And if ye will not yet for all this hearken unto me, then I will punish you seven times more for your sins.

19 And I will break the pride of your power; and I will make your heaven as iron, and your earth as brass:

20 And your strength shall be spent in vain: for your land shall not yield her increase, neither shall the trees of the land yield their fruits.

21 And if ye walk contrary unto me, and will not hearken unto me; I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins.

22 I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children, and destroy your cattle, and make you few in number; and your high ways shall be desolate.

23 And if ye will not be reformed by me by these things, but will walk contrary unto me;

24 Then will I also walk contrary unto you, and will punish you yet seven times for your sins.

25 And I will bring a sword upon you, that shall avenge the quarrel of my covenant: and when ye are gathered together within your cities, I will send the pestilence among you; and ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy.

26 And when I have broken the staff of your bread, ten women shall bake your bread in one oven, and they shall deliver you your bread again by weight: and ye shall eat, and not be satisfied.

27 And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me, but walk contrary unto me;

28 Then I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins.

29 And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.

30 And I will destroy your high places, and cut down your images, and cast your carcases upon the carcases of your idols, and my soul shall abhor you.

31 And I will make your cities waste, and bring your sanctuaries unto desolation, and I will not smell the savour of your sweet odours.

32 And I will bring the land into desolation: and your enemies which dwell therein shall be astonished at it.

33 And I will scatter you among the heathen, and will draw out a sword after you: and your land shall be desolate, and your cities waste.

34 Then shall the land enjoy her sabbaths, as long as it lieth desolate, and ye be in your enemies' land; even then shall the land rest, and enjoy her sabbaths.

35 As long as it lieth desolate it shall rest; because it did not rest in your sabbaths, when ye dwelt upon it.

36 And upon them that are left alive of you I will send a faintness into their hearts in the lands of their enemies; and the sound of a shaken leaf shall chase them; and they shall flee, as fleeing from a sword; and they shall fall when none pursueth.

37 And they shall fall one upon another, as it were before a sword, when none pursueth: and ye shall have no power to stand before your enemies.

38 And ye shall perish among the heathen, and the land of your enemies shall eat you up.

39 And they that are left of you shall pine away in their iniquity in your enemies' lands; and also in the iniquities of their fathers shall they pine away with them.

40 If they shall confess their iniquity, and the iniquity of their fathers, with their trespass which they trespassed against me, and that also they have walked contrary unto me;

41 And that I also have walked contrary unto them, and have brought them into the land of their enemies; if then their uncircumcised hearts be humbled, and they then accept of the punishment of their iniquity:

42 Then will I remember my covenant with Jacob, and also my covenant with Isaac, and also my covenant with Abraham will I remember; and I will remember the land.

43 The land also shall be left of them, and shall enjoy her sabbaths, while she lieth desolate without them: and they shall accept of the punishment of their iniquity: because, even because they despised my judgments, and because their soul abhorred my statutes.

44 And yet for all that, when they be in the land of their enemies, I will not cast them away, neither will I abhor them, to destroy them utterly, and to break my covenant with them: for I am the LORD their God.

45 But I will for their sakes remember the covenant of their ancestors, whom I brought forth out of the land of Egypt in the sight of the heathen, that I might be their God: I am the LORD.

46 These are the statutes and judgments and laws, which the LORD made between him and the children of Israel in mount Sinai by the hand of Moses.

With campaign season on, it's impressive to read a well-organized stump speech.

God makes His most persuasive case yet that one had better obey Him. It's an offer the Israelites couldn't refuse.

First, He lists a few of His pet issues (no idols, keep my Sabbath, cherish the tabernacle, obey my commandments). Self-serving, sure, but He follows up with a compelling pro-and-con argument.

The pros are mostly quite attractive:

• I'll give you rain when you need it, and your crops will increase
• You'll get to eat your fill
• You'll be safe and unafraid
  
• I'll bring peace
• I'll drive out the "evil beasts"
• I'll keep sword-wielding armies away
• I'll enable five of you to chase away 100 enemies and 100 of you to chase 10,000, and your enemies will be stabbed to death in front of you
• I will respect you, make you fruitful (not sure why just having sex wouldn't get the job done, as long as YHWH doesn't go closing their wombs, as is his wont), and I'll make good on that old covenant
• You'll eat old food to make way for the new. (Alright, they can't all be winners. Maybe "vintage" food would have played better.)
• I'll put my tabernacle in your neighborhood (there goes the tax base!) and I won't abhor you (hey, who could ask for more than that?)
• I'll walk among you and be your God — and you'll be my people (awwwww!)
  
• I took you away from Egypt and freed you from slavery
  

A rather persuasive case, no?

But let's say you choose not to haul in with YHWH and you don't play by His rules. Well, you you're not going to like Him when he's angry.

• I will terrorize you... and bio-terrorize you with consumption and malaria that will consume your eyes and fill you with sorrow
• "Ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it." (That's "seed" like plants, right? Or are they going to eat our children? Or our semen?)
• I'll "set my face against you," and you'll be slain in front of your enemies.

So, if you don't follow God's rules, you'll be killed. I guess that's that.

Nope, He's just getting warmed up. On top of you being dead, He says...

• Those that hate you will reign over you
• You'll be so freaked out, you'll run away even when nothing's pursuing you (Oh, please, Lord. Don't turn me into Harry Reid!)
  

And if that doesn't do the trick, He'll punish you seven times over for the sin of not playing it His way...

• I'll "break the pride of your power" and "make your heaven as iron, and your earth as brass" (I'm not sure exactly what that means, but it sound pretty damned bad-ass)
• Your exertion will come to naught, as your crops won't grow (you mean that really was one of those other kinds of "seed" before?)
  

And if you still won't play ball, He'll kick up the plagues another seven times (is this whole freakin' book brought to you by the number seven?)

• "I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children, and destroy your cattle, and make you few in number" (the dingo took my baby!)
  
• And "your high ways shall be desolate" (I like the Hank Williams version better: "On this road of sin are you sorrow bound? Take my advice, or you'll curse the day you started rollin' down that lost highway.")

And if you're still holding out, after your eyes have been eaten by viruses, you've been slain in front of your enemies, and critters have stolen your kids, then God will "walk contrary unto you" and fuck you up seven times over again...

• I'll put you to the sword to avenge your disagreement with my covenant
• When you gather in cities, "I will send the pestilence among you"
• You'll be delivered (Yay, deliverance! The Lord is delivering us!) "into the hand of the enemy" (Dang, it's the "Dueling Banjos" kind of deliverance)

Then comes the oddest threat of all...

• "And when I have broken the staff of your bread, ten women shall bake your bread in one oven, and they shall deliver you your bread again by weight: and ye shall eat, and not be satisfied." (Look, I didn't flinch when you killed me and had animals steal my children or when you sicced enemies and diseases and pestilence upon me. But ten women making me unsatisfying bread — that's carrying things just a little too far, fella!)

And if that hasn't got you signed up with the God team, things are going to start to turn ugly:

• I'll be so furious that I "will chastise you seven times for your sins." (No, no, anything but that!)
• "And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. (Whew! I was afraid our enemies were going to eat our kids. But turns out it's just us doing it.)
• I'll "destroy your high places"(this guy's a regular Mohamed Atta)
  
• I'll "cut down your images" (not my Farrah Fawcett poster!)
  
• I'll "cast your carcases upon the carcases of your idols" (well, I'll finally get to spend time with Alfred Hitchcock)
  
• "...my soul shall abhor you" (the feeling's getting mutual, my friend)
• I'll destroy your cities (hah, we built them on rock and roll, which will never die!)
  
• I'll bring your sanctuaries unto desolation (like I really care at this point?)
• "I will not smell the savour of your sweet odours" (That's another low blow. You won't enjoy the smell of animals we sacrifice and burn in your honor! How will we go on?)
  
• "I will bring the land into desolation: and your enemies which dwell therein shall be astonished at it" (Well, I'm astonished that you have any friends, sport)
• "And I will scatter you among the heathen, and will draw out a sword after you: and your land shall be desolate, and your cities waste" (Finally I catch a break! They're putting me with the heathens!)

At least Mother Nature will have some fun, as the land will "enjoy her sabbaths" while you're in "your enemies' land."

Your loving Creator isn't quite done with you, though:

• If you're among those left behind by the my 7^nth reign of terror, I'll make you escared of everything and nothing (looks like YHWH is running out of ammo: He's starting to repeat himself, not that there's anything unusual about that)
  
• "And ye shall perish among the heathen, and the land of your enemies shall eat you up" (I knew there was a reason why they say "a plot of land")
• Those who survive all that "shall pine away (for the fjords?) in their iniquity in your enemies' lands." Also, they'll serve a concurrent sentence for their fathers' sins.

But there is a way to stop the most wondrous being in the universe from kicking the shit out of you and yours in every way imaginable:

• Confess the heinous sin of heresy and your father's sins, too; accept your punishment; and humble your "uncircumcised heart"
  

As long as you knuckle under then...

• I will honor my old covenant about the promised land and such
• I won't abhor you or totally destroy you or break my convenant, "for I am the LORD their God"
• For your sake I'll remember the convenant I made with your ancestors so "that I might be their God: I am the LORD."

"These," we are told in conclusion, "are the statutes and judgments and laws, which the LORD made between him and the children of Israel in mount Sinai by the hand of Moses."

Well, it's a relief to see what a just and benevolent fellow ol' Yahweh is. I'd been under the misapprehension that He was insane, egotistical, and vengeful. Boy is my face red!

Leviticus 25

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses in mount Sinai, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When ye come into the land which I give you, then shall the land keep a sabbath unto the LORD.

3 Six years thou shalt sow thy field, and six years thou shalt prune thy vineyard, and gather in the fruit thereof;

4 But in the seventh year shall be a sabbath of rest unto the land, a sabbath for the LORD: thou shalt neither sow thy field, nor prune thy vineyard.

5 That which groweth of its own accord of thy harvest thou shalt not reap, neither gather the grapes of thy vine undressed: for it is a year of rest unto the land.

6 And the sabbath of the land shall be meat for you; for thee, and for thy servant, and for thy maid, and for thy hired servant, and for thy stranger that sojourneth with thee.

7 And for thy cattle, and for the beast that are in thy land, shall all the increase thereof be meat.

8 And thou shalt number seven sabbaths of years unto thee, seven times seven years; and the space of the seven sabbaths of years shall be unto thee forty and nine years.

9 Then shalt thou cause the trumpet of the jubile to sound on the tenth day of the seventh month, in the day of atonement shall ye make the trumpet sound throughout all your land.

10 And ye shall hallow the fiftieth year, and proclaim liberty throughout all the land unto all the inhabitants thereof: it shall be a jubile unto you; and ye shall return every man unto his possession, and ye shall return every man unto his family.

11 A jubile shall that fiftieth year be unto you: ye shall not sow, neither reap that which groweth of itself in it, nor gather the grapes in it of thy vine undressed.

12 For it is the jubile; it shall be holy unto you: ye shall eat the increase thereof out of the field.

13 In the year of this jubile ye shall return every man unto his possession.

14 And if thou sell ought unto thy neighbour, or buyest ought of thy neighbour's hand, ye shall not oppress one another:

15 According to the number of years after the jubile thou shalt buy of thy neighbour, and according unto the number of years of the fruits he shall sell unto thee:

16 According to the multitude of years thou shalt increase the price thereof, and according to the fewness of years thou shalt diminish the price of it: for according to the number of the years of the fruits doth he sell unto thee.

17 Ye shall not therefore oppress one another; but thou shalt fear thy God:for I am the LORD your God.

18 Wherefore ye shall do my statutes, and keep my judgments, and do them; and ye shall dwell in the land in safety.

19 And the land shall yield her fruit, and ye shall eat your fill, and dwell therein in safety.

20 And if ye shall say, What shall we eat the seventh year? behold, we shall not sow, nor gather in our increase:

21 Then I will command my blessing upon you in the sixth year, and it shall bring forth fruit for three years.

22 And ye shall sow the eighth year, and eat yet of old fruit until the ninth year; until her fruits come in ye shall eat of the old store.

23 The land shall not be sold for ever: for the land is mine, for ye are strangers and sojourners with me.

24 And in all the land of your possession ye shall grant a redemption for the land.

25 If thy brother be waxen poor, and hath sold away some of his possession, and if any of his kin come to redeem it, then shall he redeem that which his brother sold.

26 And if the man have none to redeem it, and himself be able to redeem it;

27 Then let him count the years of the sale thereof, and restore the overplus unto the man to whom he sold it; that he may return unto his possession.

28 But if he be not able to restore it to him, then that which is sold shall remain in the hand of him that hath bought it until the year of jubile: and in the jubile it shall go out, and he shall return unto his possession.

29 And if a man sell a dwelling house in a walled city, then he may redeem it within a whole year after it is sold; within a full year may he redeem it.

30 And if it be not redeemed within the space of a full year, then the house that is in the walled city shall be established for ever to him that bought it throughout his generations: it shall not go out in the jubile.

31 But the houses of the villages which have no wall round about them shall be counted as the fields of the country: they may be redeemed, and they shall go out in the jubile.

32 Notwithstanding the cities of the Levites, and the houses of the cities of their possession, may the Levites redeem at any time.

33 And if a man purchase of the Levites, then the house that was sold, and the city of his possession, shall go out in the year of jubile: for the houses of the cities of the Levites are their possession among the children of Israel.

34 But the field of the suburbs of their cities may not be sold; for it is their perpetual possession.

35 And if thy brother be waxen poor, and fallen in decay with thee; then thou shalt relieve him: yea, though he be a stranger, or a sojourner; that he may live with thee.

36 Take thou no usury of him, or increase: but fear thy God; that thy brother may live with thee.

37 Thou shalt not give him thy money upon usury, nor lend him thy victuals for increase.

38 I am the LORD your God, which brought you forth out of the land of Egypt, to give you the land of Canaan, and to be your God.

39 And if thy brother that dwelleth by thee be waxen poor, and be sold unto thee; thou shalt not compel him to serve as a bondservant:

40 But as an hired servant, and as a sojourner, he shall be with thee, and shall serve thee unto the year of jubile.

41 And then shall he depart from thee, both he and his children with him, and shall return unto his own family, and unto the possession of his fathers shall he return.

42 For they are my servants, which I brought forth out of the land of Egypt: they shall not be sold as bondmen.

43 Thou shalt not rule over him with rigour; but shalt fear thy God.

44 Both thy bondmen, and thy bondmaids, which thou shalt have, shall be of the heathen that are round about you; of them shall ye buy bondmen and bondmaids.

45 Moreover of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy, and of their families that are with you, which they begat in your land: and they shall be your possession.

46 And ye shall take them as an inheritance for your children after you, to inherit them for a possession; they shall be your bondmen for ever: but over your brethren the children of Israel, ye shall not rule one over another with rigour.

47 And if a sojourner or stranger wax rich by thee, and thy brother that dwelleth by him wax poor, and sell himself unto the stranger or sojourner by thee, or to the stock of the stranger's family:

48 After that he is sold he may be redeemed again; one of his brethren may redeem him:

49 Either his uncle, or his uncle's son, may redeem him, or any that is nigh of kin unto him of his family may redeem him; or if he be able, he may redeem himself.

50 And he shall reckon with him that bought him from the year that he was sold to him unto the year of jubile: and the price of his sale shall be according unto the number of years, according to the time of an hired servant shall it be with him.

51 If there be yet many years behind, according unto them he shall give again the price of his redemption out of the money that he was bought for.

52 And if there remain but few years unto the year of jubile, then he shall count with him, and according unto his years shall he give him again the price of his redemption.

53 And as a yearly hired servant shall he be with him: and the other shall not rule with rigour over him in thy sight.

54 And if he be not redeemed in these years, then he shall go out in the year of jubile, both he, and his children with him.

55 For unto me the children of Israel are servants; they are my servants whom I brought forth out of the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.

• #1: At Mt. Sinai, God tells Moses...
• #2: Tell the Israelites that they need to keep a Sabbath for me when I (eventually) get them to the promised land.
• #3: For six years, so your fields and for six years (if I were Moe, I'd have asked whether he meant concurrently), prune your vineyards and gather fruit...
• #4: But in the seventh year, it's a Sabbath for your land. Don't sow and don't prune.
• #5: Stuff that grows on its own in your harvest, don't reap it. Also don't gather the grapes from "thy vine undressed" (apparently, "untrimmed" or "untended"). It's a year off for the land.
• #6: "And the sabbath of the land shall be meat for you," your servants, maids, hired help, and visiting strangers. (Doesn't seem to make sense, since YHWH just said not to eat it).
• #7: And "the increase" of your cattle and (other) beasts will be meat for you, too.
• #8: Do this yearlong field-sabbath bit seven times over forty-nine years.
• #9: Afterwards, sound a jubilant trumpet on the tenth day of the seven month (that, is fifty Yom Kippurs from now).
• #10: Treat that fiftieth year as sacred, and free all your slaves, so they can return to their families and their stuff (freedom deferred is...).
• #11: Have a jubilee that year. And (again) no sowing, reaping, or gathering of untended grapes.
• #12: But it's the jubilee, it's holy to you. Eat the "increase" out of the field (without reaping, right?).
• #13: In this year, we'll return all the slaves to their property. (Just like in verse #10)
• #14: And if you sell something to your neighbor, don't screw him in the deal (unlike in the 49 years beforehand?).
• #15: Factor how many years have passed since the jubilee into the price.
• #16: If it's a lot of years (until the next jubilee?), then it's more.
• #17:Therefore ('cuz why?) don't oppress each other, but fear me, "for I am the LORD your God."
• #18: Therefore obey my laws and judgment, and you'll live in safety (was Yahweh's last name Corleone?)...
• #19: And the land will give you your fill of fruit. And you'll live in safety. (Nice promised land you [eventually] got there. Hate to see anything happen to it).
• #20: And if you ask what you're going to eat in those Sabbath years, without the sowing and gathering...
• #21: "Then I will command my blessing upon you in the sixth year, and it shall bring forth fruit for three years." (Looks like a good idea to ask that rather obvious question. Also, assuming this means three years' worth of harvest at once and yet another awesome feat of Biblical food preservation — though nothing compared to those seven lean years in Egypt.)
• #22: You'll plant more crops in the eighth year and keep eating old fruit (yum!) until the ninth.
• #23: Don't sell that land forever (apparently meaning it can't be sold in perpetuity) . It's mine. You people are just strangers and transients (ouch!).
• #24: The land you have, you should always be willing to sell it back to the original owners. (Does that apply if the "original owner" was a Palestinian? Just askin'.)
• #25: If your brother went broke and sold some of his land, then you should buy it back.
• #26: If none of his brothers snaps up the land, and the guy comes into enough coin...
• #27: Then he has to factor in the years since the sale into his repurchase price.
• #28: But if he can't afford it, it stays with the buyer until jubilee, and then the seller gets it back.
  
• #29: If someone sells a house in a walled city, he can buy it back within a year. (Man, it's a hard job being God, having to plan out all this picayune shit).
• #30: If he doesn't buy it back with a year, it will forever (so much for verse #23) belong to the generations of the buyer. No jubilee boomerang deal on these abodes.
• #31: But houses in unwalled villages, those can be repurchased and are returned at jubilee time.
• #32: But in the cities of the Levites and cities in their possession, the Levites can repurchase their houses at any time. (Hmm, I wonder if any Levites were involved in writing this chapter...)
• #33: If someone buys a house from a Levite, ownership returns to the Levite in the jubilee year.
• #34: But the "field of the suburbs of their cities may not be sold."
  
• #35: If your brother is broke, then help him out. (Not sure if it says to help him out as you would a stranger or transient, or help him even if he is one, in which case "brother" is meant more broadly — as some translations have it)
• #36: Don't charge him interest. Instead, "fear thy God" and let your brother live with you.
• #37: Don't charge him interest on money or food you lend him.
• #38: "I am the LORD your God, which brought you forth out of the land of Egypt, to give you the land of Canaan, and to be your God." (Or so you've said, again and again).
  
• #39: If your brother is poor and is sold to you, don't make him work as a slave. (But let's face it, bro, you're pwned!)
• #40: Treat him more like a hired hand, and you own him until the jubilee.
• #41: Then, he and his kids return to their family and possessions. (Note to self: if going broke, do it real close to the jubilee year).
• #42: Because they're my servants, whom I brought out of Egypt. Don't sell them as slaves. (Just own them. That's the holy thing to do.)
• #43: Don't treat 'em rough. Instead,"fear thy God."
• #44: You will have slaves, heathens you'll buy from neighboring lands.
• #45: Also, you can buy, for use as slaves, children conceived by visitors to your land.
  
• #46: Those slaves are part of your estate, handed down to your children. But don't be a harsh master to your fellow Israelites.
• #47: If the visitor becomes rich and your brother who lives with him goes broke, he can sell himself to the visitor.
• #48: But his brothers can buy him back.
• #49: An uncle or cousin or other near relative can buy him back. Or he can buy himself back, if he comes up with the scratch.
• #50: The price will be prorated, relative to the date of the jubilee.
• #51: If there a lot of years until the jubilee, he owes more (assuming I'm successfully making any sense out of this crazy-ass minutia).
• #52: If there aren't many years until the jubilee, he'll (in this case, too) pay a pro-rated amount.
• #53: The visitor should treat him like a hired hand and not ride him hard.
• #54: If he doesn't get repurchased before the jubilee, in that year he and his children will be set free.
• #54: Because ('cuz why?) they're my slaves, "whom I brought forth out of the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God."
  

Testifying

Now that Bible literalism is more or less officially a litmus test for the GOP nomination (and close to that for the Democratic nomination), I do hope we've heard the last comment asking why we're concerned with the literal meaning of the Good Book.

CNN, shockingly, required the candidates at the recent Republican debate to answer a videotaped question from a voter holding a Christian edition of the Bible, who said: "How you answer this question will tell us everything we need to know about you. Do you believe every word of this book? Specifically, this book that I am holding in my hand, do you believe this book?"

Leviticus 24

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Command the children of Israel, that they bring unto thee pure oil olive beaten for the light, to cause the lamps to burn continually.

3 Without the vail of the testimony, in the tabernacle of the congregation, shall Aaron order it from the evening unto the morning before the LORD continually: it shall be a statute for ever in your generations.

4 He shall order the lamps upon the pure candlestick before the LORD continually.

5 And thou shalt take fine flour, and bake twelve cakes thereof: two tenth deals shall be in one cake.

6 And thou shalt set them in two rows, six on a row, upon the pure table before the LORD.

7 And thou shalt put pure frankincense upon each row, that it may be on the bread for a memorial, even an offering made by fire unto the LORD.

8 Every sabbath he shall set it in order before the LORD continually, being taken from the children of Israel by an everlasting covenant.

9 And it shall be Aaron's and his sons'; and they shall eat it in the holy place: for it is most holy unto him of the offerings of the LORD made by fire by a perpetual statute.

10 And the son of an Israelitish woman, whose father was an Egyptian, went out among the children of Israel: and this son of the Israelitish woman and a man of Israel strove together in the camp;

11 And the Israelitish woman's son blasphemed the name of the Lord, and cursed. And they brought him unto Moses: (and his mother's name was Shelomith, the daughter of Dibri, of the tribe of Dan:)

12 And they put him in ward, that the mind of the LORD might be shewed them.

13 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

14 Bring forth him that hath cursed without the camp; and let all that heard him lay their hands upon his head, and let all the congregation stone him.

15 And thou shalt speak unto the children of Israel, saying, Whosoever curseth his God shall bear his sin.

16 And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well the stranger, as he that is born in the land, when he blasphemeth the name of the Lord, shall be put to death.

17 And he that killeth any man shall surely be put to death.

18 And he that killeth a beast shall make it good; beast for beast.

19 And if a man cause a blemish in his neighbour; as he hath done, so shall it be done to him;

20 Breach for breach, eye for eye, tooth for tooth: as he hath caused a blemish in a man, so shall it be done to him again.

21 And he that killeth a beast, he shall restore it: and he that killeth a man, he shall be put to death.

22 Ye shall have one manner of law, as well for the stranger, as for one of your own country: for I am the LORD your God.

23 And Moses spake to the children of Israel, that they should bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones. And the children of Israel did as the LORD commanded Moses.

Just when we were getting into a rut, some bad-ass Biblical justice perks things up:

• #1: God tells Moses even more...
• #2: Tell the Israelites to bring me EVOO as fuel for eternal lamps.
• #3: From outside the vail around the ark of the covenant, Aaron is to keep the light going from evening until morning. (Alright, maybe not eternal. But forever.)
• #4: He is to order the use of "the pure candlestick" for this job.
• #5: He's to bake a dozen (but not a baker's dozen, I reckon) cakes, with two tenth deals of flour per cake. (If I were God, I can't imagine I'd be spending so much time on recipes. But I guess that's why they pay Him the big bullocks.)
• #6: The cakes need to be in two rows of six, "upon the pure table before the LORD." (I wonder what household miracle He uses to keep His candlestick and table so pure.)
• #7: Aaron is supposed to put pure frankincense in each row, which will make a nice memorial sacrifice to Yahweh.
• #8: Each Sabbath forever, the children of Israel have to make with the baked goods.
• #9: (Even though it's "an offering made of fire") Aaron and sons "shall eat it in the holy place," because it's mighty holy to the LORD.
• #10: (And now for something completely different....) "The son of an Israelitish woman," who had an Egyptian dad, "went out among the children of Israel" in the camp and fought with a "a man of Israel."
• #11: The half-breed "blasphemed the name of the Lord, and cursed." So he was brought to Moses. The Israelitish woman was Shelomith, and she's "the daughter of Dibri, of the tribe of Dan."
• #12: They locked up the infidel, in hopes that the Lord would tell them what to do with him. (Is this procedure a GOP wet dream or what, folks?)
• #13: Then God told Moe...
• #14: Bring the foul-mouthed one outside the camp, and have all the witnesses lay their hands on him and (...wait for it...) "let all the congregation stone him." (It's getting multiorgasmic for the authoritarian set, as their eyes roll back in their heads. As Alex de Large / Alex Burgess put it, "That was a real kick and good for laughs and lashings of the old ultraviolence." Also, when a guy's being stoned to death by a huge crowd, that's not really the best time to put your hand on his head.)
• #15: Tell the Israelites that if they curse the Lord, they'll bear the same sin. (But what I'm not sure about is, can you name a teddy bear "Yahweh"? Or at least YHWH?).
• #16: And those blasphemers will be killed, no question, stoned by the congregation, no question. Even if the trash-talker is an outsider.
• #17: What's more, killing people is a capital offense. (Thanks for the reminder, G. With those essential specs for shittim-wood building projects and sacrificial turtles and all weighing on us, it's easy to forget the small stuff.)
  
• #18: If you kill a beast (someone else's, one presumes), you need to replace it.
• #19: Cause a blemish on a neighbor? The same is done to you.
• #20: (And famously...) "Breach for breach, eye for eye, tooth for tooth...."
• #21: And if you kill a beast, you must restore it. (Note to self: pick up SparkNotes on animal reanimation.) If you kill a man, you'll be put to death. (Note to self: pick up SparkNotes on human reanimation. Give to friend.)
• #22: There is only one type of law, including for strangers (does that include enemy combatants and Blackwater employees?), "for I am the LORD your God."
• #23: And Moses told the Israelites to drag the blasphemer out of camp and stone him to death (just like God told Moses he had done — or was the "God said" conceit unceremoniously dropped in the middle of this chapter?). And the like good, holy folk that they were, they stoned the guy to death for saying bad things about an infinitely powerful supernatural authority figure.

The worst so far...

FYI, I posted this elsewhere and thought bs4a readers might want to take a look — a list of some of the worst messages I've encountered so far in the Bible, as the end of Leviticus is neigh...

* * *

About a year ago, I began slooowly reading the Holy Bible and assessing what it means to a modern reader — not historically, but literally and metaphorically.

As I'm nearing the end of the third book of sixty-six (Leviticus, that is), I've encountered one of the most disturbing passages yet:

16 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

17 Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God.

18 For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,

19 Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded,

20 Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;

21 No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God.

In other words, keep those creepy physical defectives away from my holy altar! God is love, doncha know, God is love.

There are so many unsavory passages in this vaunted tome, such as...

• The punishment of all women because Eve dared to eat from the Tree of Knowledge


• The destruction of nearly every living thing, because God got it in his head that "the wickedness of man was great"


• Completely uncriticized slave-banging and otherwise legitimizing slavery as a legal activity


• A Bible hero offering up his virginal daughters to an angry mob (and the daughters subsequently raping him)


• God insisting that Abraham be willing to stab his son to death on a sacrificial altar, and surely traumatizing the kid in the process


• Members of YHWH's favorite family avenging a single act of rape by tricking an entire city of men into getting circumcised and then killing them all


• After killing a young man the Lord deems wicked, killing his brother for not wanting to impregnate his sister-in-law


• God randomly trying to kill his right-hand man, Moses


• The plague after plague unleashed on the Egyptians — including the slaves and animals — because God hardened Pharaoh's heart so he wouldn't let the Israelites go and have a picnic in His honor. And making an annual celebration of the killing of every firstborn Egyptian.


• Yahweh claiming ownership of every firstborn male, including of the human variety, with the seeming implication that he wants them sacrificed in his honor


• Meting out punishment not only on infidels, but on three or four generations of their offspring


• Repeated calls to execute people who work on the Sabbath


• A 9/11-sized massacre of fellow Israelites because they dance around a golden idol


• Endless descriptions of reasons and methods for absolving human sins by ritually sacrificing animals, including rituals where one animal is soaked in the blood of its butchered brethren


• The Good Lord burning two children alive for lighting some incense, and then forbidding their father — His #1 priest — from grieving the loss


• And countless other reasons for people and animals to be slaughtered, including for being gay and for being a critter who's the victim of bestiality. And you'll be excommunicated for many other sins, including having sex with a menstruating woman.

Beyond that there is constant rewarding of people who steal others' birthrights and who rip off innocent Egyptians and punishing of people who aspire to God-like accomplishments.

The major story of the Pentateuch is that God is going to kick all the natives out of Canaan and give it to a small group of people that are his favorites. Doesn't that sound like the nicest little deity you've ever heard of?

For y'all, who may have read much more of the One True Infallible Guide to Morality, what are your favorite examples of bad messages in the Good Book?

* * *

Bonus out-of-context Bible quotes:

The coolest (so far) is from Genesis 27:11 — "I am a smooth man."

The cruelest, so fitting for today's Religious Right Repubs, from Leviticus 19:15 — "Thou shalt not respect the person of the poor."

The truest, from Exodus 15:3 — “The LORD is a man of war.”

Leviticus 23

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, Concerning the feasts of the LORD, which ye shall proclaim to be holy convocations, even these are my feasts.

3 Six days shall work be done: but the seventh day is the sabbath of rest, an holy convocation; ye shall do no work therein: it is the sabbath of the LORD in all your dwellings.

4 These are the feasts of the LORD, even holy convocations, which ye shall proclaim in their seasons.

5 In the fourteenth day of the first month at even is the LORD's passover.

6 And on the fifteenth day of the same month is the feast of unleavened bread unto the LORD: seven days ye must eat unleavened bread.

7 In the first day ye shall have an holy convocation: ye shall do no servile work therein.

8 But ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD seven days: in the seventh day is an holy convocation: ye shall do no servile work therein.

9 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

10 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When ye be come into the land which I give unto you, and shall reap the harvest thereof, then ye shall bring a sheaf of the firstfruits of your harvest unto the priest:

11 And he shall wave the sheaf before the LORD, to be accepted for you: on the morrow after the sabbath the priest shall wave it.

12 And ye shall offer that day when ye wave the sheaf an he lamb without blemish of the first year for a burnt offering unto the LORD.

13 And the meat offering thereof shall be two tenth deals of fine flour mingled with oil, an offering made by fire unto the LORD for a sweet savour: and the drink offering thereof shall be of wine, the fourth part of an hin.

14 And ye shall eat neither bread, nor parched corn, nor green ears, until the selfsame day that ye have brought an offering unto your God: it shall be a statute for ever throughout your generations in all your dwellings.

15 And ye shall count unto you from the morrow after the sabbath, from the day that ye brought the sheaf of the wave offering; seven sabbaths shall be complete:

16 Even unto the morrow after the seventh sabbath shall ye number fifty days; and ye shall offer a new meat offering unto the LORD.

17 Ye shall bring out of your habitations two wave loaves of two tenth deals; they shall be of fine flour; they shall be baken with leaven; they are the firstfruits unto the LORD.

18 And ye shall offer with the bread seven lambs without blemish of the first year, and one young bullock, and two rams: they shall be for a burnt offering unto the LORD, with their meat offering, and their drink offerings, even an offering made by fire, of sweet savour unto the LORD.

19 Then ye shall sacrifice one kid of the goats for a sin offering, and two lambs of the first year for a sacrifice of peace offerings.

20 And the priest shall wave them with the bread of the firstfruits for a wave offering before the LORD, with the two lambs: they shall be holy to the LORD for the priest.

21 And ye shall proclaim on the selfsame day, that it may be an holy convocation unto you: ye shall do no servile work therein: it shall be a statute for ever in all your dwellings throughout your generations.

22 And when ye reap the harvest of your land, thou shalt not make clean riddance of the corners of thy field when thou reapest, neither shalt thou gather any gleaning of thy harvest: thou shalt leave them unto the poor, and to the stranger: I am the LORD your God.

23 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

24 Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, In the seventh month, in the first day of the month, shall ye have a sabbath, a memorial of blowing of trumpets, an holy convocation.

25 Ye shall do no servile work therein: but ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD.

26 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

27 Also on the tenth day of this seventh month there shall be a day of atonement: it shall be an holy convocation unto you; and ye shall afflict your souls, and offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD.

28 And ye shall do no work in that same day: for it is a day of atonement, to make an atonement for you before the LORD your God.

29 For whatsoever soul it be that shall not be afflicted in that same day, he shall be cut off from among his people.

30 And whatsoever soul it be that doeth any work in that same day, the same soul will I destroy from among his people.

31 Ye shall do no manner of work: it shall be a statute for ever throughout your generations in all your dwellings.

32 It shall be unto you a sabbath of rest, and ye shall afflict your souls: in the ninth day of the month at even, from even unto even, shall ye celebrate your sabbath.

33 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

34 Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, The fifteenth day of this seventh month shall be the feast of tabernacles for seven days unto the LORD.

35 On the first day shall be an holy convocation: ye shall do no servile work therein.

36 Seven days ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD: on the eighth day shall be an holy convocation unto you; and ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD: it is a solemn assembly; and ye shall do no servile work therein.

37 These are the feasts of the LORD, which ye shall proclaim to be holy convocations, to offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD, a burnt offering, and a meat offering, a sacrifice, and drink offerings, every thing upon his day:

38 Beside the sabbaths of the LORD, and beside your gifts, and beside all your vows, and beside all your freewill offerings, which ye give unto the LORD.

39 Also in the fifteenth day of the seventh month, when ye have gathered in the fruit of the land, ye shall keep a feast unto the LORD seven days: on the first day shall be a sabbath, and on the eighth day shall be a sabbath.

40 And ye shall take you on the first day the boughs of goodly trees, branches of palm trees, and the boughs of thick trees, and willows of the brook; and ye shall rejoice before the LORD your God seven days.

41 And ye shall keep it a feast unto the LORD seven days in the year. It shall be a statute for ever in your generations: ye shall celebrate it in the seventh month.

42 Ye shall dwell in booths seven days; all that are Israelites born shall dwell in booths:

43 That your generations may know that I made the children of Israel to dwell in booths, when I brought them out of the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.

44 And Moses declared unto the children of Israel the feasts of the LORD.

• #1: God tells Moses...
• #2: Tell the Israelites these details about my holy feasts.
• #3: Work for six days but rest on the holy Sabbath.
• #4: These are my feasts. Proclaim them in their seasons.
• #5: "In the fourteenth day of the first month at even is the LORD's passover." (You know, the celebration of the slaughter of every firstborn Egyptian. And for some reason, we need to hear a different remix of the holiday rules.)
• #6: On the fifteenth is the Lord's matzo feast. For one week, "ye must eat unleavened bread." (Wow, a seven-day / one-day cracker fest! Par-tay!)
  #7: Have a holy get-together on the first day, and don't work.
• #8: For seven days burn food for me, but on that seventh day don't work then, either.
• #9: YHWH also told Moses...
• #10: Tell the Israelites that when I bring them to the promised land, they should bring a sheaf of the first harvest fruits to the priest...
• #11: And he'll wave the sheaf for God, so He will accept either it or you (not sure). He'll wave that harvest sheaf on the day after the Sabbath.
• #12: On that day, you should burn me an unblemished, one-year old male lamb. (Does Moses do this, or do all 600,000+ wilderness men have to bring a lamb to the slaughter?)
  
• #13: And the meat offering should include a specific blend of flour and oil, and the drink offering should be a quarter of a hin of wine. (That would be about 48 ounces — how many people are drinking that?)
• #14: Don't eat bread or "parched corn" or "green ears" until that day, and that will be the law forever. (This is one of those "don't feed them after midnight" conundrums. After the first time they're authorized to eat that stuff, when are they again not authorized to eat it?)
• #15: Seven weeks after Passover...
• #16: On the day after the sabbath, that will be fifty days (7*7+1. OK, that works) give the Lord "a new meat offering."
• #17: Also bring leavened loaves of a certain measure, made of fine flower. These are the firstfruits of the Lord. (Holy moly, leavened bread! Pretty wild stuff!)
• #18: Along with the bread, offer up seven unblemished one-year-old lambs, a young bullock, and two rams. Burn 'em with the meat offering and drink offerings, which smells sweet to the Lord.
• #19: And sacrifice a kid goat as a sin offering. Plus two more one-year-old lambs as peace offerings.
• #20: The priest should wave them around with the first-harvest bread for a wave offering. They're holy to the Lord, and they're edible swag for the priest.
• #21: On that day, proclaim that the will be a holy meeting and no work done. It will be a rule forever.
• #22: Once again, don't reap the corners of your fields or eat gleanings. Give them to the poor and to strangers. "I am the LORD your God."
• #23: Yahweh also told Moses...
• #24: Tell the Israelites that on the first of the seventh month, have a sabbath, a trumpety memorial, and a holy meeting.
• #25: Don't work that day, but make fiery offerings to God.
• #26: And He also said to Moe...
• #27: On tenth of the seventh month, there should be a day of atonement (just like we learned about six chapters ago), a holy meeting, and "ye shall afflict your souls, and offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD."
• #28: Don't work on that day, either. It's a day of atonement.
• #29: If you're not afflicted (humbled) that day, you'll be excommunicated.
• #30: Anyone who works on Yom Kippur "the same soul will I destroy from among his people." (That's why every year on Yom Kippur we hear stories of people spontaneously combusting when they answer their pagers or show up on a weekend shift.)
• #31: Don't work! It will be the law forever. (Don't work, don't work, don't work! This is the worst motivational chapter ever.)
• #32: This day will be "a sabbath of rest, and ye shall afflict your souls" (sounds real restful like). On the ninth of the month, from evening to evening celebrate this sabbath.
• #33: The Lord had still more to tell his communications director...
• #34: Tell the Israelites that the fifteenth day of the seventh month should be a "feast of tabernacles for seven days unto the LORD."
• #35: On the first day is the holy get-together. Don't work then!
• #36: Seven days later make a fiery offering to God. On the eight, have another holy assembly. Don't work!
• #37: These are God's feasts, which you should declare to be holy convocations, to offer up offerings to Him.
• #38: In addition to the sabbaths , "your gifts" (was there a parting-of-the-Red-Sea gift?), your vows, and your (ahem) freewill offerings that you give the Lord...
• #39: Also on the 15th of the seventh month, when you've gathered the firstfruit, have a sabbath and then another one eight days later. (That gets more and more interesting with each retelling, doesn't it?)
• #40: On the first day, bring branches of "goodly trees," including palms, thick trees, and willows and "rejoice before the LORD your God seven days." (At least be glad you're not reading this mindnumbingly repetitive chapter, and you'll have a switch to whup anyone who tries to read it to you).
• #41. Do this weeklying feast every year for ever. And when? In the seventh month.
• #42: All of the Israelites will live in booths for that week. (Did He just say "live in booths"?)
• #43: Live in booths so that your descendants will know I made you live in booths when I brought you out of Egypt. I am the LORD your God. (It would take a Godlike intelligence to construct a line of reasoning that insane. Well played, Sir.)
• #44: And Moses announced the feasts to the Israelites.