Numbers 7

1 And it came to pass on the day that Moses had fully set up the tabernacle, and had anointed it, and sanctified it, and all the instruments thereof, both the altar and all the vessels thereof, and had anointed them, and sanctified them;

2 That the princes of Israel, heads of the house of their fathers, who were the princes of the tribes, and were over them that were numbered, offered:

3 And they brought their offering before the LORD, six covered wagons, and twelve oxen; a wagon for two of the princes, and for each one an ox: and they brought them before the tabernacle.

4 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

5 Take it of them, that they may be to do the service of the tabernacle of the congregation; and thou shalt give them unto the Levites, to every man according to his service.

6 And Moses took the wagons and the oxen, and gave them unto the Levites.

7 Two wagons and four oxen he gave unto the sons of Gershon, according to their service:

8 And four wagons and eight oxen he gave unto the sons of Merari, according unto their service, under the hand of Ithamar the son of Aaron the priest.

9 But unto the sons of Kohath he gave none: because the service of the sanctuary belonging unto them was that they should bear upon their shoulders.

10 And the princes offered for dedicating of the altar in the day that it was anointed, even the princes offered their offering before the altar.

11 And the LORD said unto Moses, They shall offer their offering, each prince on his day, for the dedicating of the altar.

12 And he that offered his offering the first day was Nahshon the son of Amminadab, of the tribe of Judah:

13 And his offering was one silver charger, the weight thereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them were full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

14 One spoon of ten shekels of gold, full of incense:

15 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

16 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

17 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Nahshon the son of Amminadab.

18 On the second day Nethaneel the son of Zuar, prince of Issachar, did offer:

19 He offered for his offering one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

20 One spoon of gold of ten shekels, full of incense:

21 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

22 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

23 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Nethaneel the son of Zuar.

24 On the third day Eliab the son of Helon, prince of the children of Zebulun, did offer:

25 His offering was one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

26 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

27 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

28 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

29 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Eliab the son of Helon.

30 On the fourth day Elizur the son of Shedeur, prince of the children of Reuben, did offer:

31 His offering was one silver charger of the weight of an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

32 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

33 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

34 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

35 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Elizur the son of Shedeur.

36 On the fifth day Shelumiel the son of Zurishaddai, prince of the children of Simeon, did offer:

37 His offering was one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

38 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

39 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

40 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

41 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Shelumiel the son of Zurishaddai.

42 On the sixth day Eliasaph the son of Deuel, prince of the children of Gad, offered:

43 His offering was one silver charger of the weight of an hundred and thirty shekels, a silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

44 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

45 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

46 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

47 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Eliasaph the son of Deuel.

48 On the seventh day Elishama the son of Ammihud, prince of the children of Ephraim, offered:

49 His offering was one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

50 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

51 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

52 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

53 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Elishama the son of Ammihud.

54 On the eighth day offered Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur, prince of the children of Manasseh:

55 His offering was one silver charger of the weight of an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

56 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

57 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

58 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

59 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur.

60 On the ninth day Abidan the son of Gideoni, prince of the children of Benjamin, offered:

61 His offering was one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

62 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

63 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

64 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

65 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Abidan the son of Gideoni.

66 On the tenth day Ahiezer the son of Ammishaddai, prince of the children of Dan, offered:

67 His offering was one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

68 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

69 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

70 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

71 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Ahiezer the son of Ammishaddai.

72 On the eleventh day Pagiel the son of Ocran, prince of the children of Asher, offered:

73 His offering was one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

74 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

75 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

76 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

77 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Pagiel the son of Ocran.

78 On the twelfth day Ahira the son of Enan, prince of the children of Naphtali, offered:

79 His offering was one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

80 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

81 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

82 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

83 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Ahira the son of Enan.

84 This was the dedication of the altar, in the day when it was anointed, by the princes of Israel: twelve chargers of silver, twelve silver bowls, twelve spoons of gold:

85 Each charger of silver weighing an hundred and thirty shekels, each bowl seventy: all the silver vessels weighed two thousand and four hundred shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary:

86 The golden spoons were twelve, full of incense, weighing ten shekels apiece, after the shekel of the sanctuary: all the gold of the spoons was an hundred and twenty shekels.

87 All the oxen for the burnt offering were twelve bullocks, the rams twelve, the lambs of the first year twelve, with their meat offering: and the kids of the goats for sin offering twelve.

88 And all the oxen for the sacrifice of the peace offerings were twenty and four bullocks, the rams sixty, the he goats sixty, the lambs of the first year sixty. This was the dedication of the altar, after that it was anointed.

89 And when Moses was gone into the tabernacle of the congregation to speak with him, then he heard the voice of one speaking unto him from off the mercy seat that was upon the ark of testimony, from between the two cherubims: and he spake unto him.

On the day that Moses fully set up the tabernacle (That hadn't happened yet? Or is it just the first day at a new location?), one-two (i.e., twelve) princes kneel before you, Lord, or at least they deliver a shitload of donations to Moses.

For starters: a half-wagon and an ox each. Easier to do than give a whole wagon and a half-ox each.

Moses regifted the wheels and the beasts to the Levites — but none to sons of Kohath, because I guess Moe's own subtribe needed the exercise.

Then, in an act of mind-numbing repetition to rival "The Twelve Days of Christmas," Mr. Bible Writer Man goes all "makes-Jack-a-dull-boy" and gives us a dozen one-a-day laps of a prince giving YHWH a big silver plate and bowl full of oily flour, a golden spoon full of incense, a young bullock (another ox), a ram, a lamb, a dingdong, a kid goat, two more oxen (but these ones are for killin' and grillin'), five more rams, five he-goats, and five more lambs.

No doubt, nothing pleases a crowd of two-million people on a four-decade slog through the wilderness than to watch 252 animals used for a ritual sacrifice. This was, of course, before we had NASCAR.

As the chapter ends, Moses gets a more rarefied show. He enters the tent and hears "the voice of one speaking unto him from off the mercy seat that was upon the ark of testimony, from between the two cherubims: and he spake unto him." For someone who chats it up with God on a regular basis, this doesn't seem that notable. After a while, wouldn't you get a little jaded?

Mea culpa

Sorry for the break in the action.

Much has been going on on the campaign trail, but with Edwards out of the race, I'm not audacious enough to hope for better than another accommodating triangulator. Still better than an authoritarian sociopath, but I imagine I'll get more busy here, especially after Super Duper Tuesday, which coincides with a solemn holiday well worth remembering.

Anyway, sorry to mix politics in with our religion here, though this post in particular reflects that unhappy convergence, especially for those who think JD Salinger is at least as good as Mr. Bible Writer Man.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming presently, I swear on, um, something. Lucky Numbers 7 should be up with 24 hours.

Numbers 6

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When either man or woman shall separate themselves to vow a vow of a Nazarite, to separate themselves unto the LORD:

3 He shall separate himself from wine and strong drink, and shall drink no vinegar of wine, or vinegar of strong drink, neither shall he drink any liquor of grapes, nor eat moist grapes, or dried.

4 All the days of his separation shall he eat nothing that is made of the vine tree, from the kernels even to the husk.

5 All the days of the vow of his separation there shall no razor come upon his head: until the days be fulfilled, in the which he separateth himself unto the LORD, he shall be holy, and shall let the locks of the hair of his head grow.

6 All the days that he separateth himself unto the LORD he shall come at no dead body.

7 He shall not make himself unclean for his father, or for his mother, for his brother, or for his sister, when they die: because the consecration of his God is upon his head.

8 All the days of his separation he is holy unto the LORD.

9 And if any man die very suddenly by him, and he hath defiled the head of his consecration; then he shall shave his head in the day of his cleansing, on the seventh day shall he shave it.

10 And on the eighth day he shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons, to the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation:

11 And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, and make an atonement for him, for that he sinned by the dead, and shall hallow his head that same day.

12 And he shall consecrate unto the LORD the days of his separation, and shall bring a lamb of the first year for a trespass offering: but the days that were before shall be lost, because his separation was defiled.

13 And this is the law of the Nazarite, when the days of his separation are fulfilled: he shall be brought unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation:

14 And he shall offer his offering unto the LORD, one he lamb of the first year without blemish for a burnt offering, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish for a sin offering, and one ram without blemish for peace offerings,

15 And a basket of unleavened bread, cakes of fine flour mingled with oil, and wafers of unleavened bread anointed with oil, and their meat offering, and their drink offerings.

16 And the priest shall bring them before the LORD, and shall offer his sin offering, and his burnt offering:

17 And he shall offer the ram for a sacrifice of peace offerings unto the LORD, with the basket of unleavened bread: the priest shall offer also his meat offering, and his drink offering.

18 And the Nazarite shall shave the head of his separation at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and shall take the hair of the head of his separation, and put it in the fire which is under the sacrifice of the peace offerings.

19 And the priest shall take the sodden shoulder of the ram, and one unleavened cake out of the basket, and one unleavened wafer, and shall put them upon the hands of the Nazarite, after the hair of his separation is shaven:

20 And the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD: this is holy for the priest, with the wave breast and heave shoulder: and after that the Nazarite may drink wine.

21 This is the law of the Nazarite who hath vowed, and of his offering unto the LORD for his separation, beside that that his hand shall get: according to the vow which he vowed, so he must do after the law of his separation.

22 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

23 Speak unto Aaron and unto his sons, saying, On this wise ye shall bless the children of Israel, saying unto them,

24 The LORD bless thee, and keep thee:

25 The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee:

26 The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.

27 And they shall put my name upon the children of Israel, and I will bless them.

YHWH tells Moses to tell the Israelites some details about pledging themselves to God as "Nazirites."

If they take the plunge, they have to swear off the following: alcohol and all grape-based products, cutting their hair, and touching corpses. (Well, there go my weekend plans!)

But you know how sometimes you just can't help getting up close and personal with a dead person? Like the time a bouncer at Carol Doda's club was crushed to death during an after-hours liaison with a dancer. The "floating" piano accidentally lifted and pinned him to the ceiling. She survived, spending the night sandwiched between the piano and the dead man, until the day crew freed her. Variety tastefully titled the story "He Died Smiling."

Well, if you're a Nazirite and that happens to you, you need to shave your head on the seventh day (Seven days after your brush with deadness? I might have thought it meant the seventh day of the week, but for the next instruction). "On the eighth day he shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons, to the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation." Again, the "turtles" are turtledoves to be sacrificed, one each as a sin offering and a burnt offering. Plus, a lamb is sacrificed as a trespass offering.

If you're a Nazarite who's defiled by a cadaver, the days of service before you become born-again don't count. But count for what?

Apparently, at some point you finish your vows and go back to your normal life in the wilderness with two million other Israelites. And you can resume drinking wine, perhaps to self-medicate against the madness of forty-years of limbo.

When you've served your hitch, you bring in a ram, a lamb, a ding-dong, and a ewe to the tabernacle to be sacrificed, along with an assortment of pastries.

At the ceremony, you shave your hair and burn it.

After you shed those long locks and carry out the rest of the ritual, God will shed his grace on thee, and on the Israelites in general.

Numbers 5

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Command the children of Israel, that they put out of the camp every leper, and every one that hath an issue, and whosoever is defiled by the dead:

3 Both male and female shall ye put out, without the camp shall ye put them; that they defile not their camps, in the midst whereof I dwell.

4 And the children of Israel did so, and put them out without the camp: as the LORD spake unto Moses, so did the children of Israel.

5 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

6 Speak unto the children of Israel, When a man or woman shall commit any sin that men commit, to do a trespass against the LORD, and that person be guilty;

7 Then they shall confess their sin which they have done: and he shall recompense his trespass with the principal thereof, and add unto it the fifth part thereof, and give it unto him against whom he hath trespassed.

8 But if the man have no kinsman to recompense the trespass unto, let the trespass be recompensed unto the LORD, even to the priest; beside the ram of the atonement, whereby an atonement shall be made for him.

9 And every offering of all the holy things of the children of Israel, which they bring unto the priest, shall be his.

10 And every man's hallowed things shall be his: whatsoever any man giveth the priest, it shall be his.

11 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

12 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, If any man's wife go aside, and commit a trespass against him,

13 And a man lie with her carnally, and it be hid from the eyes of her husband, and be kept close, and she be defiled, and there be no witness against her, neither she be taken with the manner;

14 And the spirit of jealousy come upon him, and he be jealous of his wife, and she be defiled: or if the spirit of jealousy come upon him, and he be jealous of his wife, and she be not defiled:

15 Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest, and he shall bring her offering for her, the tenth part of an ephah of barley meal; he shall pour no oil upon it, nor put frankincense thereon; for it is an offering of jealousy, an offering of memorial, bringing iniquity to remembrance.

16 And the priest shall bring her near, and set her before the LORD:

17 And the priest shall take holy water in an earthen vessel; and of the dust that is in the floor of the tabernacle the priest shall take, and put it into the water:

18 And the priest shall set the woman before the LORD, and uncover the woman's head, and put the offering of memorial in her hands, which is the jealousy offering: and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse:

19 And the priest shall charge her by an oath, and say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee, and if thou hast not gone aside to uncleanness with another instead of thy husband, be thou free from this bitter water that causeth the curse:

20 But if thou hast gone aside to another instead of thy husband, and if thou be defiled, and some man have lain with thee beside thine husband:

21 Then the priest shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell;

22 And this water that causeth the curse shall go into thy bowels, to make thy belly to swell, and thy thigh to rot: And the woman shall say, Amen, amen.

23 And the priest shall write these curses in a book, and he shall blot them out with the bitter water:

24 And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causeth the curse: and the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter.

25 Then the priest shall take the jealousy offering out of the woman's hand, and shall wave the offering before the LORD, and offer it upon the altar:

26 And the priest shall take an handful of the offering, even the memorial thereof, and burn it upon the altar, and afterward shall cause the woman to drink the water.

27 And when he hath made her to drink the water, then it shall come to pass, that, if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, that the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people.

28 And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed.

29 This is the law of jealousies, when a wife goeth aside to another instead of her husband, and is defiled;

30 Or when the spirit of jealousy cometh upon him, and he be jealous over his wife, and shall set the woman before the LORD, and the priest shall execute upon her all this law.

31 Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity.

God tells Moses to pass along some more guidelines to the Israelites.

First, they must expel from their camp all the lepers, everyone who's oozing discharge, and "whosoever is defiled by the dead." One more reason to avoid being raped by a zombie.

If someone commits a crime, s/he must confess it and pay it back with 20% interest. If there's no one to repay, give the money to the Lord, by way of the priest. Grease his palm next to the "ram of the atonement."

In fact, "every offering of all the holy things of the children of Israel, which they bring unto the priest, shall be his." In fact, "every man's hallowed things shall be his: whatsoever any man giveth the priest, it shall be his." In fact, being a priest is a pretty good gig.

Anyway, more rules...

If a husband suspects his wife of cheating on him, he brings her — and a "jealousy offering" of barley — to a priest.

The priest takes holy water (first reference to what may be the best water on Earth) and mixes in some dust from the tabernacle floor. He "set(s) the woman before the LORD" and uncovers her head. He gives her the barley and holds "the bitter water that causeth the curse."

If this weren't the Holy Bible, you'd almost think this was some kind of witchcraft or insane mumbo-jumbo. But that couldn't be, could it? Of course not!

The priest makes her take an oath, and she's innocent, the water won't give her a curse, and she'll be free and fertile. If she's guilty, the Lord will make her thigh rot and her belly swell.

"And the woman shall say, Amen, amen." Who wouldn't say "amen" to that?

Numbers 4

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying,

2 Take the sum of the sons of Kohath from among the sons of Levi, after their families, by the house of their fathers,

3 From thirty years old and upward even until fifty years old, all that enter into the host, to do the work in the tabernacle of the congregation.

4 This shall be the service of the sons of Kohath in the tabernacle of the congregation, about the most holy things:

5 And when the camp setteth forward, Aaron shall come, and his sons, and they shall take down the covering vail, and cover the ark of testimony with it:

6 And shall put thereon the covering of badgers' skins, and shall spread over it a cloth wholly of blue, and shall put in the staves thereof.

7 And upon the table of shewbread they shall spread a cloth of blue, and put thereon the dishes, and the spoons, and the bowls, and covers to cover withal: and the continual bread shall be thereon:

8 And they shall spread upon them a cloth of scarlet, and cover the same with a covering of badgers' skins, and shall put in the staves thereof.

9 And they shall take a cloth of blue, and cover the candlestick of the light, and his lamps, and his tongs, and his snuffdishes, and all the oil vessels thereof, wherewith they minister unto it:

10 And they shall put it and all the vessels thereof within a covering of badgers' skins, and shall put it upon a bar.

11 And upon the golden altar they shall spread a cloth of blue, and cover it with a covering of badgers' skins, and shall put to the staves thereof:

12 And they shall take all the instruments of ministry, wherewith they minister in the sanctuary, and put them in a cloth of blue, and cover them with a covering of badgers' skins, and shall put them on a bar:

13 And they shall take away the ashes from the altar, and spread a purple cloth thereon:

14 And they shall put upon it all the vessels thereof, wherewith they minister about it, even the censers, the fleshhooks, and the shovels, and the basons, all the vessels of the altar; and they shall spread upon it a covering of badgers' skins, and put to the staves of it.

15 And when Aaron and his sons have made an end of covering the sanctuary, and all the vessels of the sanctuary, as the camp is to set forward; after that, the sons of Kohath shall come to bear it: but they shall not touch any holy thing, lest they die. These things are the burden of the sons of Kohath in the tabernacle of the congregation.

16 And to the office of Eleazar the son of Aaron the priest pertaineth the oil for the light, and the sweet incense, and the daily meat offering, and the anointing oil, and the oversight of all the tabernacle, and of all that therein is, in the sanctuary, and in the vessels thereof.

17 And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron saying,

18 Cut ye not off the tribe of the families of the Kohathites from among the Levites:

19 But thus do unto them, that they may live, and not die, when they approach unto the most holy things: Aaron and his sons shall go in, and appoint them every one to his service and to his burden:

20 But they shall not go in to see when the holy things are covered, lest they die.

21 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

22 Take also the sum of the sons of Gershon, throughout the houses of their fathers, by their families;

23 From thirty years old and upward until fifty years old shalt thou number them; all that enter in to perform the service, to do the work in the tabernacle of the congregation.

24 This is the service of the families of the Gershonites, to serve, and for burdens:

25 And they shall bear the curtains of the tabernacle, and the tabernacle of the congregation, his covering, and the covering of the badgers' skins that is above upon it, and the hanging for the door of the tabernacle of the congregation,

26 And the hangings of the court, and the hanging for the door of the gate of the court, which is by the tabernacle and by the altar round about, and their cords, and all the instruments of their service, and all that is made for them: so shall they serve.

27 At the appointment of Aaron and his sons shall be all the service of the sons of the Gershonites, in all their burdens, and in all their service: and ye shall appoint unto them in charge all their burdens.

28 This is the service of the families of the sons of Gershon in the tabernacle of the congregation: and their charge shall be under the hand of Ithamar the son of Aaron the priest.

29 As for the sons of Merari, thou shalt number them after their families, by the house of their fathers;

30 From thirty years old and upward even unto fifty years old shalt thou number them, every one that entereth into the service, to do the work of the tabernacle of the congregation.

31 And this is the charge of their burden, according to all their service in the tabernacle of the congregation; the boards of the tabernacle, and the bars thereof, and the pillars thereof, and sockets thereof,

32 And the pillars of the court round about, and their sockets, and their pins, and their cords, with all their instruments, and with all their service: and by name ye shall reckon the instruments of the charge of their burden.

33 This is the service of the families of the sons of Merari, according to all their service, in the tabernacle of the congregation, under the hand of Ithamar the son of Aaron the priest.

34 And Moses and Aaron and the chief of the congregation numbered the sons of the Kohathites after their families, and after the house of their fathers,

35 From thirty years old and upward even unto fifty years old, every one that entereth into the service, for the work in the tabernacle of the congregation:

36 And those that were numbered of them by their families were two thousand seven hundred and fifty.

37 These were they that were numbered of the families of the Kohathites, all that might do service in the tabernacle of the congregation, which Moses and Aaron did number according to the commandment of the LORD by the hand of Moses.

38 And those that were numbered of the sons of Gershon, throughout their families, and by the house of their fathers,

39 From thirty years old and upward even unto fifty years old, every one that entereth into the service, for the work in the tabernacle of the congregation,

40 Even those that were numbered of them, throughout their families, by the house of their fathers, were two thousand and six hundred and thirty.

41 These are they that were numbered of the families of the sons of Gershon, of all that might do service in the tabernacle of the congregation, whom Moses and Aaron did number according to the commandment of the LORD.

42 And those that were numbered of the families of the sons of Merari, throughout their families, by the house of their fathers,

43 From thirty years old and upward even unto fifty years old, every one that entereth into the service, for the work in the tabernacle of the congregation,

44 Even those that were numbered of them after their families, were three thousand and two hundred.

45 These be those that were numbered of the families of the sons of Merari, whom Moses and Aaron numbered according to the word of the LORD by the hand of Moses.

46 All those that were numbered of the Levites, whom Moses and Aaron and the chief of Israel numbered, after their families, and after the house of their fathers,

47 From thirty years old and upward even unto fifty years old, every one that came to do the service of the ministry, and the service of the burden in the tabernacle of the congregation.

48 Even those that were numbered of them, were eight thousand and five hundred and fourscore,

49 According to the commandment of the LORD they were numbered by the hand of Moses, every one according to his service, and according to his burden: thus were they numbered of him, as the LORD commanded Moses.

YHWH tells Moses and Aaron to tally up the male thirty-through-fittysomethings in their line of the Levites: the sons of Kohath.

The Kohath cohort has certain responsibilities in the tabernacle, notably wrapping up all the valuables in cloth and badger skins or porpoise skins or leather (I always get those mixed up, myself), so the roadies can tote the travelin' temple.

Once they've done the packing, if they touch or even look at any of the holy stuff, they'll die. OSHA should definitely look into this.

Aaron's son, Eleazar, is in charge of "the oil for the light, and the sweet incense, and the daily meat offering, and the anointing oil, and the oversight of all the tabernacle, and of all that therein is, in the sanctuary, and in the vessels thereof."

The Lord also tells them not to "cut off" the Kohathites, and that they should do a similar census of 30-to-50-year-old males among the Gershonites,

They'll "perform the service." I don't believe it means "performing the service" the way a priest does. IIRC, that's for Aaron's boys to do. Just more grunt work.

And it's those selfsame Aaronites, Ithamar in particular, who manage the Gershonites.

The 30-to-50 Merari sons, too, get a list of mundane chores, and they're also supervised by Ithamar. Not sure who supervises the 2,750 Kohathites. Add in the 2,630 Gershonites and 3,200 Merarites, and at 8,580 that's a tent crew of biblical proportions.

In through the out door

Welcome visitors from Parenting Beyond Belief / The Meming of Life!

Dale McGowan asked me to summarize, for his readers, Exodus — the Bible's second chapter.

Saying "yes" seemed like the Christian thing to do. Actually, it will be a few years 'til I reach the New Testament, so I may be wrong about that. But that's all holy water over the dam, in any case.

And now, I present to you the sensational follow-up to Genesis: Mike and the Mechanics Exodus!

The full text of each chapter — and more-extensive snarky commentary — can be found by clicking each chapter number, below.

* * *

Exodus 1: Jacob, AKA "Israel," has a dozen sons (and a now-forgotten daughter). After his son Joseph's death, things turn worse for the Israelites in Egypt. The new Pharaoh plans to kill all their newborn boys. The Hebrew midwives won't play ball, and YHWH supports them, even building them houses (carpentry runs in the family).


Exodus 2: The exciting start of the Moses saga. In a time of mortal risk to any Hebrew boy, he is cast adrift on the waters of fate. He appears to be a child of destiny, surviving various brushes with danger, including his discovery — and rescue — by Pharaoh's own daughter!

Moses grows up and gets in a little vigilante action, and a memorable phrase is coined: "stranger in a strange land."


Exodus 3: God, in the form of a smoking shrubbery, talks to Moses. He offers a proof of His divinity, which is little more than "I YAM WHAT I YAM." Yahweh promises to smite Egypt (for the guy who created the universe, you would think that would be quick and easy). Part of His master plan is for the Hebrews to bankrupt the Egyptians by borrowing — and not returning — their bling.


Exodus 4: When Moses asks God for proof of His divinity, He mods Moe's walking stick, adding a magic-snake mode. Plus Moses can now give his own hand leprosy and cure it at will.

YHWH kills off all of Moses' enemies in Midian. So, Egypt really should be easy... except the Lord says he's going to harden Pharaoh's heart, preventing him from letting Moses' people go. Gee, thanks, G.

God enlists Moses' help in punishing Pharaoh for doing exactly what He is making him (not) do. And the good Lord will kill Pharoah's firstborn.

Then, in case things weren't bizarro enough, Yahweh suddenly tries to kill Moses at an inn, and Mrs. Moses grabs a rock and circumcises their son.

Finally, YHWH reaches out to Moses' silver-tongued brother, Aaron, for help marketing His cause to the Israelites.


Exodus 5: The dramatic "let my people go" exhortation turns out to be for a rather lame cause: to hold a big feast, as a tribute to Him.

Kind of a buzzkill, doncha think? Like if MLK, Jr. had said: "I have a dream... of a huge picnic in my honor!"

We hear one of many incidental references to sacrifices to God, presumably of the animal kind. No explanation about why this should be pleasing to the Creator.

Moses complains to YHWH that the plan to liberate the people just isn't working. Is Moses turning out to be the first cut-and-runner?


Exodus 6: The Lord promises to make Pharaoh kick the Hebrews out of Egypt, but guess what? His hardening of Pharaoh's heart ensured that it wouldn't work. This may be the most self-fulfilling failure until the Piranha brothers' first two Operations.

There's a long list of begats, including an off-the-cuff mention that a fellow named Amram "took him" his Aunt Jochebed. They begat Aaron and Moses. Good thing that man-on-aunt action isn't outlawed until Leviticus.


Exodus 7: After Exodus's rousing start, we're stuck in a "wet hair, lather, rinse, repeat" cycle. God has Moses tell Pharaoh to let the Hebrews go. God hardens Pharaoh's heart, so he won't let 'em go. But there are some interesting moments mixed in.

God says He's made Moses into a deity for Pharaoh, and Aaron is His prophet. Up to this point, YHWH hasn't responded well to man playing God.

Then there's the intensely homo-erotic snake-off between Moses and Pharaoh's magicians, but our man has the best snake, if you know what I mean.

To punish Pharaoh (which I'll note for the last time here, for not doing what God brainwashed him to not do), the beneficent Almighty kills all the fish in the river, so the Egyptian people can't drink from the bloody brook. If your kids loved Finding Nemo, you might want them to skip this chapter.


Exodus 8: All the colorful plagues of frogs, lice, and flies don't disguise the fact that we're going nowhere fast in this section of Exodus. Mr. Bible Writer Man is not building up much rooting interest in the God character. YHWH makes it clear that He's raining all this pestilence on the Egyptian people so the Hebrews can "serve" Him — you know, with that picnic/sacrifice in the wilderness. Hard to see why Joe and Jane Egypt, and little Egypt, need to eat a series of shit sandwiches for this to happen.


Exodus 9: The plague of plagues continues, showing God's ability to do everything except advance the plot.

Fans of spectacle will note that they are some pretty nasty-ass plagues, a murrain ("a pestilence or plague especially affecting domestic animals") and blains ("an inflammatory swelling or sore"). Then, God announces: "you've got hail."

The murrain is so bad, it kills all of the Egyptian cattle. Then all the Egyptian people — and their dead cattle — get the blains. And that was a veritable golden age, compared to the hail (with special added guest: fire, plus bonus attractions rain and thunder) so bad it will not only kill all the people who don't find cover, it's gonna kill all the beasts all over again.


Exodus 10: God proudly unleashes a plague of super-locusts on the Egyptian people.

The Egyptians under Pharaoh tire of their resolute leader, who won't admit the war is lost. I can relate. But perhaps we should feel sorry for Dubya — maybe God just keeps hardening his heart. Ah, so much for free will.

The chapter ends with an intriguing cliffhanger. Pharaoh tells Moses this town ain't big enough for the both of us, and Moses answers with what sounds like a prophecy or mysterious threat: "Thou hast spoken well, I will see thy face again no more."


Exodus 11: Our Creator decides to kill every firstborn Egyptian, from Pharaoh's to the slave girls' to the twice-killed cattle's. God is love, doncha know?

The notion that this God isn't a universal God, but just the Lord of the Hebrews is cemented here: "ye may know how that the LORD doth put a difference between the Egyptians and Israel."


Exodus 12: This is the longest chapter of Exodus, and it's one of the Bible's most disturbing so far. It describes the bloody and horrifying origins of Passover, which turns out to be one bad-ass holiday.


Exodus 13: The Lord says that the first male to pass through each womb is His. I thought that claiming-the-firstborn stuff was the province of the devil (or was it Rumpelstiltskin?).

He also performs as a super-cool and rather unreliable GPS, (mis)leading the way for the exodusing Israelites. In the daytime, he appears as a pillar of cloud. At nighttime, he's a pillar of fire.


Exodus 14: The supposedly inspiring miracle of the (Red?) sea parting is another nasty and gratuitous massacre. The Lord makes the Egyptians go after the Israelites, and then He has Moses drown them all.

Bloodthirsty YHWH is damned proud of the carnage, calling it getting "honour" upon Pharaoh and bragging that "the Egyptians may know that I am the LORD." And the sight of the dead Egyptians, whom God brainwashed into hunting down the Israelites, is called "great work." It leads the chosen decoys to "fear" Him, a telling description of the kind of "respect" he craves.


Exodus 15: We get one of several polytheistic references: "Who is like unto thee, O LORD, among the gods?" This book just isn't making a very good case that YHWH is the One True God, is it?

This line must wow 'em in the Palestinian territories: "The people shall hear, and be afraid: sorrow shall take hold on the inhabitants of Palestina." It gets worse: "trembling shall take hold upon them; all the inhabitants of Canaan shall melt away."


Exodus 16: The Israelites begin a forty-year sojourn in the wilderness, and it probably seems even longer, since they start kvetching from the get-go.

Moe says if you dis me and my bro, you're dissing the Lord. I've never gotten anywhere saying that, but ol' Moses is able to back it up.

It's cloudy, with 100% chance of carbs, as God rains wondrous bread for the hungry Israelites. Doesn't seem sanitary, though, to eat baked goods that were dumped into the wilderness, unless maybe they were cello-packed, or in crates à la the DHARMA Initiative.


Exodus 17: Though the Israelites' whining started early and continued often, it's hard to see why Moses considers their desire for water an affront to God.

Actually, the whining is effective, as God helps Moses un-smite the river and get water from a stone.

Some dude named Amalek starts a fight with the Lord's chosen people. Bad decision.


Exodus 18: Moses is being worn to a frazzle as the liaison between God and all of Israel. His father-in-law Jethro tells him to delegate. (He later published a book: "The One Habit of Highly Successful People.")


Exodus 19: This offer from YHWH seems awfully sleazy: "I own the whole world, so obey me, and I'll treasure you." Sounds like what Charles Foster Kane said just before Susan left him, as well she should have.

Only Moses is allowed up to YHWH's mountaintop lair at Mt. Sinai. It's protected by an amped-up trumpet and some sort of guards or gizmos that would stone you or shoot you through, surely to your death, should you so much as touch the mount. And seething volcano smoke, too.

Also, the Lord says he'll mete out severe punishments for the tiniest turf violations.


Exodus 20: Here is the first appearence of the ten commandments (though they're not called that here).

There is debate about whether the commandments are actually a ten-pack, and if so, which verses bunch up to form the big ten.

By my accounting, there are ten, as follows: the first commandment is it's Yahweh or the highway; the second is I'm jealous of your deity dolls; the third is no goddamn blasphemy; the fourth is never on Sunday — or Friday-night-to-Saturday-night, depending on who's counting; the fifth is be nice to your folks; the sixth is don't kill; the seventh is no adultery; the eighth is don't steal; the ninth is no perjury (strangely, there's no Scooter Libby exemption, but I'm sure God intended one); and the tenth is don't lust after your neighbor's wife (no problem lusting after the husband, servants, animals, and whatnot).

It's striking how much of this is an ego-trip for the jealous guy in the sky: four out of ten commandments. And it's the first four, which are the most elaborately described.

The second commandment seems like it would put sculptors out of business, prohibiting "any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth." That would mean no sculptures of the dead-and-buried, nor of anyone who bodily ascended to heaven. Nor of the little fishies under the sea. God most be really pissed about those Jesus fish thingymabobs.

Again the rooting interest in YHWH is severely compromised by His irrational temper. If someone "hates" Him, the next four generations of that person's family will be punished.


Exodus 21: Turns out 10 commandments weren't enough. There are many other important things in life, and many of them have to do with oxen and Hebrew slaves (which are totally OK, if you go by the book).

Moral relativism puts in an appearance right away. The punishment for killing is "surely" death. Well, don't call it "surely," because that's only if you kill after lying in wait. If you didn't, and if God wanted you to kill, then there's a safe haven set aside for you.

Other capital crimes are noted, including hitting or swearing at your parents, kidnapping, or owning an ill-behaved ox that kills someone.

There's punishment for beating slaves to death. The point is made that this even applies to the female ones (very progressive)! But if the slave survives a couple of days, all bets are off, "for he is his money."

Many oddly specific scenarios are accounted for, such as if brawling guys happen to injure a pregnant woman and cause a premature birth, they owe some money to the father. But if there's further "mischief," then it's life-for-life, eye-for-eye, freed-slave-for-an-eye, etc.


Exodus 22: More laws, including more about oxen.

For one thing, it's OK to kill a thief in the act. Unless it was in broad daylight — then, you sell him. Other examples...

Kill all witches. Since the Bible is literally true, of course, this means that witches are real. The Bible wouldn't ban non-existent things, would it?

Bestiality is a capital crime, as is sacrificing to any god but YHWH.

There are a few nice moral messages, like be kind to widows and orphans (or at least the fatherless). If you aren't, God will stab you to death. That's nice, isn't it?


Exodus 23: Still more laws, including being kind to strangers and shutting down your business every seventh day.

Dietary laws are mixed in, including one of many prohibitions on the use of leavened bread. Also, don't marinate kid meat in its mamma's milk.

God is sending an angel to keep us in line or keep us safe or something (not made clear) and to take us to a place he's prepared. Don't mess with my angel, He warns. He is not going to forgive what you do, because he's God's agent. Hmm, when does the forgiveness come in?

Yahweh promises to open a can of whup-ass on the Israelites' enemies. That's why their descendants have enjoyed uninterrupted peace and safety for thousands of years. Who's going to tangle with God?

But this protection comes with some obligations, including "utterly overthrow(ing)" their enemies' gods and demolishing their sacred icons. So much for pluralism.

The godfearing will be kept healthy, and will never have a miscarriage or be infertile. If you have problems of this sort, you're obviously a sinner and deserve it.

YHWH is giving Israel to the Hebrews, and he'll deliver the current occupants into their hands so they can be driven out. Talk about foreshadowing!


Exodus 24: We get a break from 613 commandments. Sort of.

God exhorts, Moses scribes. For the time-honored duration of forty days and forty nights.

Moses sprays the blood of scarificed animals on the people (and elsewhere) to seal the deal. There are some closing tricks Zig Ziglar can't teach ya. Actually, maybe he can.

The Lord summoned Moses up the mountain and gave him three tablets of stone to teach the people with. Hmm, I always thought it was two tablets.

Moses and his minister or servant Joshua went up the hill to fetch a deck of commandments that we've already read.

This narrative is seriously starting to play like Memento or Merrily We Roll Along. Didn't Mr. Bible Editor Man notice that things are a wee bit out of order? No problem, since we apparently get the commandments all over again in Deuteronomy.

The sight of God was "like devouring fire on the top of the mount in the eyes of the children of Israel." Suggests a volcano, the perfect image of love. If you're an authoritarian.


Exodus 25: What to get for the man-creator who has everything? Lots of gold, "shittim wood," and such, apparently.

This chapter is basically a parts list and assembly instructions for building the ark of the covenant, a "mercy seat," and a table. Plus golden bowls, candlesticks, lamps, etc. All strictly high-end stuff.


Exodus 26: Oy-veh! More tabernacle-construction steps.

I guess Moses was the world's first subcontractor. I'll bet he couldn't wait to get a less-demanding customer.


Exodus 27: Even more specs! Odds are that it's right around this time that someone invented the phrase, "Jesus Christ!"

There are ominous descriptions of "fleshhooks" and "pans to receive his ashes." This tabernacle doesn't sound like such a nice place.


Exodus 28: More instructions from YHWH to Moses...

Have Aaron and his sons start up a religion shop, and make them some sharp-looking uniforms.

Aaron's sons will wear girdles and bonnets, just like Rudy Giuliani.

It falls onto Aaron's sons and their progeny to be God's official priests forever more. Which is nice.


Exodus 29: While I was first reading this PETA-nightmare of a chapter, Michael Vick found Jesus. Let's hope he sticks to the New Testament and ignores this part of God's inerrant and morally urgent instruction manual. I can't vouch for what happens in those red pages, but I'm hoping they aren't inked in animal blood.

To get ready for what horror directors call the "gags," Moses is to dress up Aaron and his sons in their priestly garb and heap the following on his brother's head: a hat, a headdress, and some oil.

And now, the gory details of what Moses is instructed to do, verse by verse:

#10: By the tabernacle door, with Aaron and sons holding a bullock's (a young bull's) head...
#11: Kill the bullock
#12: Fingerpaint some of the blood on the horns of the altars and pour the rest next to the bottom of the altar
#13: On the altar, burn some of the bullock's fat, the membrane above the liver, and both kidneys
#14: Outside the tabernacle, burn the bullock's flesh, skin, and dung, because it's "a sin offering"
#15: With Aaron and sons holding the first ram's head...
#16: Kill it and sprinkle its blood all around the altar
#17: Cut the ram into pieces, wash its innards and legs, and then set them all together with the ram's head
#18: Burn the ram as a "sweet savour" to YHWH (hey, who wouldn't enjoy a tribute like that?)
#19: With Aaron and sons holding the other ram's head...
#20: Kill it and daub some of the blood on Aaron and sons' right ears, right thumbs, and right big-toes; sprinkle the rest around the altar
#21: Take some of the blood on the altars — along with some anointing oil — and sprinkle it on Aaron and sons, and on their clothes; this makes them consecrated (Benjamin Moore calls it Hallowed Red, I call it fucking freaky)
#22: Because it's a "ram of consecration," take the fat, the rump, the fat over the innards, the caul above the liver, and the kidneys (and the fat on them), plus the right shoulder
#23: Give one each of the three types of baked goods to Aaron and sons...
#24: and make them wave them around
#25: Make a burnt offering of the bread, cake, and wafer (if God likes burnt offerings, he should try my wife's cooking — ba-da-dum!)
#26: Wave the ram's breast around; that will be Moe's portion
#27: Somehow make the swung-about ram's breast holy, and wave and heave the ram's shoulder about, even the part that's for Aaron and sons
#28: Aaron and sons will eternally get the "heave offering"
#29: Aaron's descendants will inherit the priestly garments and holy role
#30: Whoever is the current priest will wear the garments for seven days (and never again after that? every seventh day? seven days a month? huh?)
#31: Boil the ram "in the holy place"
#32: Aaron and sons eat the ram and the bread
#33: Eating the food that was prepared in this atonement (for what?) ceremony will make those who eat it holy; don't let a stranger eat any
#34: Burn any leftovers
#35: Sanctify Aaron and sons over the course of seven days
#36: Ritually slaughter a bullock every day, and clean the altar (thank goodness!), blessing it with oil (just to be sure, I'd go with Formula 409)
#37: For seven days make atonement for the altar (atoning for, maybe, ritually slaughtering animals?)
#38: Ritually slaughter two one-year-old lambs every single day...
#39: One in the daytime and one at night
#40: Serve the morning lamb with flour and oil, accompanied by some wine
#41: Ditto for the evening lamb, which will smell sweet when it's burning
#42: These burnt offerings will continue throughout the generations, where God will come by and talk to Moses...
#43: And the children of Israel.

All the sanguinary business over, God says he'll sanctify the tabernacle, the altar, and Aaron and sons. And — news flash — he'll dwell among the Israeli kids and be their God, because he is the LORD!


Exodus 30: God is quite the gold-digger, demanding His tributes be dripping with the precious stuff.

There are rules about what you can do on the altar, including "no strange incense," etc. They wouldn't want anything untoward to happen around a place where they spray animal blood for god-knows-what reason.

Holy Steve Forbes, it's the ultimate flat tax: "The rich shall not give more, and the poor shall not give less...."

You're expected to pay a "ransom" for your souls. It's good to be priest.

It's not always gold with God, though. He wants a brass sink — a worthy idea for any cult slaughterhouse.

So, why is it that antibacterial cleansers and antibiotics aren't next to godliness? Could it be that God didn't know about germs until Semmelweis figured it out? Nah, couldn't be that.


Exodus 31: This is no way to treat a contractor.

Unbeknownst to Moses, YHWH has engaged Bezaleel and Aholiab and downloaded mad skills into their brains. No montage, no nothing. And no prior discussion with Moses. What is he, chopped liver?

God tells Moe to lean on the Israeli peeps about observing the Sabbath. If you chill on Sabbath day, you're "sanctified." If not, you "shall surely be put to death" and excommunicated (it's the excommunication that really gets you). This arrangement is a "perpetual covenant," which explains why even today believers in the God of Israel are routinely put to death if they do a weekend shift at 7-Eleven.

As a parting gift, God hands over two finger-written stone tablets. Is this the 10 Commandments yet again? Does Moses have a desk piled up with big stony memos from God, all about the same topic?


Exodus 32: Panicked by Moses' delayed return, the Israelites ask Aaron to "make us gods," i.e., to create idols for them to worship. So, he helps them create a golden calf, which they party around.

This violates the deity's second commandment. But sometimes people need a binky to cling to like, I don't know, a cross or something — maybe with a guy nailed to it. Just an idea....

But Yahweh is furious, and He threatens them Tarantino-style: "Now therefore let me alone, that my wrath may wax hot against them, and that I may consume them: and I will make of thee a great nation." That is, "I'll destroy the nation in order to save it."

Moses isn't the man who loved calf dancing, either. When he reaches the camp, his "anger waxed hot, and he cast the tables out of his hands, and brake them beneath the mount." Too bad there was no Jed Leland there to say, "I'd like to keep those particular pieces of stone myself. I have a hunch it might turn out to be something pretty important. A document." Oh well, easy come, easy go.

Moses burns the calf, grinds it into powder, puts it in water, and makes the Israelites drink it.

Moses asks who's still a Yahweh man, and the sons of Levi (Moses' own tribe) join him. He tells them, "Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his
companion, and every man his neighbour."

And the Levites do just that and kill "about three thousand men." For dancing around a metal cow.

God follows up by visiting plagues upon the people "because they made the calf, which Aaron made." Heaven help anyone who gets their morality out of this book.


Exodus 33: God says to bring the (surviving) children of Israel to Canaan, where His angel is driving out all the existing residents: the Canaanite, the Amorite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, the Hivite, and the Jebusite. Who were they? Who cares!? God says "fuck 'em."

But He's still miffed at His "stiffnecked people," whom He'll consume should He find Himself in their company. I'll be sure to tell them He said "hi."

Moses set up the tabernacle outside the camp, and God puts in a personal appearance.


Exodus 34: The deity gives Himself an arrogant shoutout. And He's not only a jealous and vengeful god, He's self-pitying, too. Calls Himself "longsuffering." Apparently, God is a concept in which He measures His own pain.

The great Father says to treat other religious folks — whose God it's clear He ain't (even if He created the heavens, Earth, etc., He again acknowledges that other gods exist) — thusly: "destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves."

Because the Lord is jealous. In fact His name is "Jealous."

Hard to miss the weird sexual overtones when YHWH warns Moses and Co. not to "go a whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods" or to "take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods."


Exodus 35: Moses passes along a bunch of YHWH's loving commandments, such as death to the Sabbath shift, and one I hadn't heard, which was not to start a fire on the Sabbath day. Is Moses freestyling here?

Then he shakes down everybody for their precious metals (the ones they hadn't been forced to drink) and more, and he gets help outfitting the tabernacle.

Hasn't any of this happened yet? Or has Moses been slacking on the job, not taking care of God's construction instructions while 10 chapters have ticked by? True, he's been sitting around on Mount Whatever (the name changes from chapter to chapter) a lot without food or drink and killing thousands of his fellow Israelites, but what kind of tabernacle-tent has he been operating in the meantime?


Exodus 36: Bezaleel and Aholiab finally get put to work, making artisanal goods with the fine materials the people contributed.


Exodus 37: Bezaleel makes more stuff for the tabernacle.


Exodus 38: We get a recap of how much precious metal went into the project.

I couldn't find a really crisp treatment of the total costs, but I turned up various estimates in the $10-$20 million range for the tabernacle's modern-day value. Seems like the God business has always done good business.

Many have reverse-engineered the number of people it would have taken to donate all these goodies, and they've come up with 603,550 men over 20 years old, which suggests a population of maybe two million people in the wilderness. I wonder if the wilderness had subways, condos, and Panera Unleavened Bread stores?

Somebody's been fruitful and multiplying.


Exodus 39: At last, the job is complete, and the worker bees bring Moses all the incredibly heavy and expensive furnishings and fashions, and a tent to house them in.

Moses blesses the workers. But that don't pay the rent, eh?


Exodus 40: YHWH tells Moses to set up the tabernacle-tent on New Year's Day, and to set up all the fixtures, and make 'em all holy with the anointing oil.

He's to bring Aaron and sons to the tabernacle and hose them down, dress them in the holy clothes, and sanctify them, so they and their descendants can be priests.

When Moses finished his assigned duties, God covered the tent with his cloudy glory.

Somehow, the Israelites carted that tonnage of precious metals and shittim and all from place to place throughout the wilderness.


* * *

So, there you have it: one sixty-sixth of the Minimum Lifetime Requirement of moral values.

I'm glad to have played a part in making you a slightly more proper citizen of what John McCain and others call a "Christian Nation" or a "Judeo-Christian Nation."

When you're teaching your children how to be good people, remember the valuable lessons you have learned here, such as be nice to strangers and your parents, don't kill, steal from, or cheat anyone (except Egyptians), stone to death anyone who works on the Sabbath, slaughter thousands of your brethren if they make an unauthorized sculpture, ritually sacrifice countless animals, and traipse about the wilderness with two million others, dragging a massive, garish temple hither and yon.

Keep the burning bushes burning

Sorry for the slow spell. I'm busy summarizing Exodus for another blog (details very soon), and there has been a lot to say about the 2008 Presidential Campaign.

Don't worry, I will continue with my heavenly rounds before too long, to help guide you through the wilderness.

Numbers 3

1 These also are the generations of Aaron and Moses in the day that the LORD spake with Moses in mount Sinai.

2 And these are the names of the sons of Aaron; Nadab the firstborn, and Abihu, Eleazar, and Ithamar.

3 These are the names of the sons of Aaron, the priests which were anointed, whom he consecrated to minister in the priest's office.

4 And Nadab and Abihu died before the LORD, when they offered strange fire before the LORD, in the wilderness of Sinai, and they had no children: and Eleazar and Ithamar ministered in the priest's office in the sight of Aaron their father.

5 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

6 Bring the tribe of Levi near, and present them before Aaron the priest, that they may minister unto him.

7 And they shall keep his charge, and the charge of the whole congregation before the tabernacle of the congregation, to do the service of the tabernacle.

8 And they shall keep all the instruments of the tabernacle of the congregation, and the charge of the children of Israel, to do the service of the tabernacle.

9 And thou shalt give the Levites unto Aaron and to his sons: they are wholly given unto him out of the children of Israel.

10 And thou shalt appoint Aaron and his sons, and they shall wait on their priest's office: and the stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death.

11 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

12 And I, behold, I have taken the Levites from among the children of Israel instead of all the firstborn that openeth the matrix among the children of Israel: therefore the Levites shall be mine;

13 Because all the firstborn are mine; for on the day that I smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt I hallowed unto me all the firstborn in Israel, both man and beast: mine shall they be: I am the LORD.

14 And the LORD spake unto Moses in the wilderness of Sinai, saying,

15 Number the children of Levi after the house of their fathers, by their families: every male from a month old and upward shalt thou number them.

16 And Moses numbered them according to the word of the LORD, as he was commanded.

17 And these were the sons of Levi by their names; Gershon, and Kohath, and Merari.

18 And these are the names of the sons of Gershon by their families; Libni, and Shimei.

19 And the sons of Kohath by their families; Amram, and Izehar, Hebron, and Uzziel.

20 And the sons of Merari by their families; Mahli, and Mushi. These are the families of the Levites according to the house of their fathers.

21 Of Gershon was the family of the Libnites, and the family of the Shimites: these are the families of the Gershonites.

22 Those that were numbered of them, according to the number of all the males, from a month old and upward, even those that were numbered of them were seven thousand and five hundred.

23 The families of the Gershonites shall pitch behind the tabernacle westward.

24 And the chief of the house of the father of the Gershonites shall be Eliasaph the son of Lael.

25 And the charge of the sons of Gershon in the tabernacle of the congregation shall be the tabernacle, and the tent, the covering thereof, and the hanging for the door of the tabernacle of the congregation,

26 And the hangings of the court, and the curtain for the door of the court, which is by the tabernacle, and by the altar round about, and the cords of it for all the service thereof.

27 And of Kohath was the family of the Amramites, and the family of the Izeharites, and the family of the Hebronites, and the family of the Uzzielites: these are the families of the Kohathites.

28 In the number of all the males, from a month old and upward, were eight thousand and six hundred, keeping the charge of the sanctuary.

29 The families of the sons of Kohath shall pitch on the side of the tabernacle southward.

30 And the chief of the house of the father of the families of the Kohathites shall be Elizaphan the son of Uzziel.

31 And their charge shall be the ark, and the table, and the candlestick, and the altars, and the vessels of the sanctuary wherewith they minister, and the hanging, and all the service thereof.

32 And Eleazar the son of Aaron the priest shall be chief over the chief of the Levites, and have the oversight of them that keep the charge of the sanctuary.

33 Of Merari was the family of the Mahlites, and the family of the Mushites: these are the families of Merari.

34 And those that were numbered of them, according to the number of all the males, from a month old and upward, were six thousand and two hundred.

35 And the chief of the house of the father of the families of Merari was Zuriel the son of Abihail: these shall pitch on the side of the tabernacle northward.

36 And under the custody and charge of the sons of Merari shall be the boards of the tabernacle, and the bars thereof, and the pillars thereof, and the sockets thereof, and all the vessels thereof, and all that serveth thereto,

37 And the pillars of the court round about, and their sockets, and their pins, and their cords.

38 But those that encamp before the tabernacle toward the east, even before the tabernacle of the congregation eastward, shall be Moses, and Aaron and his sons, keeping the charge of the sanctuary for the charge of the children of Israel; and the stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death.

39 All that were numbered of the Levites, which Moses and Aaron numbered at the commandment of the LORD, throughout their families, all the males from a month old and upward, were twenty and two thousand.

40 And the LORD said unto Moses, Number all the firstborn of the males of the children of Israel from a month old and upward, and take the number of their names.

41 And thou shalt take the Levites for me (I am the LORD) instead of all the firstborn among the children of Israel; and the cattle of the Levites instead of all the firstlings among the cattle of the children of Israel.

42 And Moses numbered, as the LORD commanded him, all the firstborn among the children of Israel.

43 And all the firstborn males by the number of names, from a month old and upward, of those that were numbered of them, were twenty and two thousand two hundred and threescore and thirteen.

44 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

45 Take the Levites instead of all the firstborn among the children of Israel, and the cattle of the Levites instead of their cattle; and the Levites shall be mine: I am the LORD.

46 And for those that are to be redeemed of the two hundred and threescore and thirteen of the firstborn of the children of Israel, which are more than the Levites;

47 Thou shalt even take five shekels apiece by the poll, after the shekel of the sanctuary shalt thou take them: (the shekel is twenty gerahs:)

48 And thou shalt give the money, wherewith the odd number of them is to be redeemed, unto Aaron and to his sons.

49 And Moses took the redemption money of them that were over and above them that were redeemed by the Levites:

50 Of the firstborn of the children of Israel took he the money; a thousand three hundred and threescore and five shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary:

51 And Moses gave the money of them that were redeemed unto Aaron and to his sons, according to the word of the LORD, as the LORD commanded Moses.

We get lists of the male descendants of Aaron and Moses. Aaron's sons: "Nadab the firstborn, and Abihu, Eleazar, and Ithamar," the first two of whom God suddenly torched for using "strange fire" (they got mirrors where he's from?). They died childless (but, unfortunately for them, not godless).

The other two carried on in the family ministry bidness.

God told Moses to bring the Levites near, so they can help with ministering, as well. Aaron will totally pwn them.

Again, "the stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death." None of your Poltergeist "all are welcome" stuff with this crowd.

Yahweh says He's taking the Levites instead of the firstborns of the other tribes, and He totally pwns them.

When He nobly slaughtered every firstborn Egyptian, He claimed all the firstborn Israelite men and beasts. "Mine shall they be: I am the LORD."

The Lord tells Moe to do a census of the Levites, everyone one month or older, which of course he does. All the names are itemized, the descendants of Levi's sons Gershon, Kohath, and Merari, and there are 22,000 in all. Just a drop in the bucket in the massive metropolitan area known as "some random place in the wilderness."

The Gershonite males who made the cut (make your own bris joke) totaled 7,500. Like the other Levite sub-tribes, they're assigned a spot in the wilderness-camp constellation and specific tabernacle-related duties.

The month-plus Kohathite males totaled 8,600.

One of Kohath's sons, Amram, was Moses and Aaron's dad. And lest we forget, Kohath's sister Jochebed was Moses and Aaron's mother. The Old Testament makes strange Jochebedfellows, what with their great-aunt also being their mom. Good thing that happened before Leviticus 20:19 was written.

Aaron's son, Eleazar, "shall be chief over the chief of the Levites, and have the oversight of them that keep the charge of the sanctuary."

Interestingly, the number of firstborn males among the rest of the Israelites was only slightly more than the Levite's total male population (22,273 vs. 22,000). If I'm doing the math correctly, that suggests that the average family had about 27 sons (603,550 / 22,273).

Anyway, YHWH does give the rest of the Israelites a pass, instead deciding to pwn just the Levites and their cattle.

Well, not totally a pass, the Israelites freed from God's clutches have to be bought back for five shekels each.

The bonus money that comes from the excess sale of humans "redeemed" from God — the extra 273 that weren't swapped for Levites — goes to Aaron on sons, by way of Moses.