Numbers 15

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When ye be come into the land of your habitations, which I give unto you,

3 And will make an offering by fire unto the LORD, a burnt offering, or a sacrifice in performing a vow, or in a freewill offering, or in your solemn feasts, to make a sweet savour unto the LORD, of the herd or of the flock:

4 Then shall he that offereth his offering unto the LORD bring a meat offering of a tenth deal of flour mingled with the fourth part of an hin of oil.

5 And the fourth part of an hin of wine for a drink offering shalt thou prepare with the burnt offering or sacrifice, for one lamb.

6 Or for a ram, thou shalt prepare for a meat offering two tenth deals of flour mingled with the third part of an hin of oil.

7 And for a drink offering thou shalt offer the third part of an hin of wine, for a sweet savour unto the LORD.

8 And when thou preparest a bullock for a burnt offering, or for a sacrifice in performing a vow, or peace offerings unto the LORD:

9 Then shall he bring with a bullock a meat offering of three tenth deals of flour mingled with half an hin of oil.

10 And thou shalt bring for a drink offering half an hin of wine, for an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the LORD.

11 Thus shall it be done for one bullock, or for one ram, or for a lamb, or a kid.

12 According to the number that ye shall prepare, so shall ye do to every one according to their number.

13 All that are born of the country shall do these things after this manner, in offering an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the LORD.

14 And if a stranger sojourn with you, or whosoever be among you in your generations, and will offer an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the LORD; as ye do, so he shall do.

15 One ordinance shall be both for you of the congregation, and also for the stranger that sojourneth with you, an ordinance for ever in your generations: as ye are, so shall the stranger be before the LORD.

16 One law and one manner shall be for you, and for the stranger that sojourneth with you.

17 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

18 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When ye come into the land whither I bring you,

19 Then it shall be, that, when ye eat of the bread of the land, ye shall offer up an heave offering unto the LORD.

20 Ye shall offer up a cake of the first of your dough for an heave offering: as ye do the heave offering of the threshingfloor, so shall ye heave it.

21 Of the first of your dough ye shall give unto the LORD an heave offering in your generations.

22 And if ye have erred, and not observed all these commandments, which the LORD hath spoken unto Moses,

23 Even all that the LORD hath commanded you by the hand of Moses, from the day that the LORD commanded Moses, and henceforward among your generations;

24 Then it shall be, if ought be committed by ignorance without the knowledge of the congregation, that all the congregation shall offer one young bullock for a burnt offering, for a sweet savour unto the LORD, with his meat offering, and his drink offering, according to the manner, and one kid of the goats for a sin offering.

25 And the priest shall make an atonement for all the congregation of the children of Israel, and it shall be forgiven them; for it is ignorance: and they shall bring their offering, a sacrifice made by fire unto the LORD, and their sin offering before the LORD, for their ignorance:

26 And it shall be forgiven all the congregation of the children of Israel, and the stranger that sojourneth among them; seeing all the people were in ignorance.

27 And if any soul sin through ignorance, then he shall bring a she goat of the first year for a sin offering.

28 And the priest shall make an atonement for the soul that sinneth ignorantly, when he sinneth by ignorance before the LORD, to make an atonement for him; and it shall be forgiven him.

29 Ye shall have one law for him that sinneth through ignorance, both for him that is born among the children of Israel, and for the stranger that sojourneth among them.

30 But the soul that doeth ought presumptuously, whether he be born in the land, or a stranger, the same reproacheth the LORD; and that soul shall be cut off from among his people.

31 Because he hath despised the word of the LORD, and hath broken his commandment, that soul shall utterly be cut off; his iniquity shall be upon him.

32 And while the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day.

33 And they that found him gathering sticks brought him unto Moses and Aaron, and unto all the congregation.

34 And they put him in ward, because it was not declared what should be done to him.

35 And the LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones without the camp.

36 And all the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses.

37 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

38 Speak unto the children of Israel, and bid them that they make them fringes in the borders of their garments throughout their generations, and that they put upon the fringe of the borders a ribband of blue:

39 And it shall be unto you for a fringe, that ye may look upon it, and remember all the commandments of the LORD, and do them; and that ye seek not after your own heart and your own eyes, after which ye use to go a whoring:

40 That ye may remember, and do all my commandments, and be holy unto your God.

41 I am the LORD your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt, to be your God: I am the LORD your God

YHWH tells Moses to tell the young 'uns about the sacrifices they need to make 40 years in the future, after they steal the promised land as He has ordained.

The Israelites find a man gathering sticks on the sabbath day, and they do the right thing and imprison him until God tells them what to do. He tells them the right thing to do, and that is to stone the sinner to death. And they do the right thing and stone the sinner to death.

I do hope the Secret Service keeps President Bush from clearing that Crawford brush on the Lord's day, because God says what he means and means what he says. (Update: uh-oh!)

Once Yahweh dispensed the valuable moral advice of using stones to break bones, he suddenly turned to the important topic of what color of fringe the Israelites should wear for all eternity.

This is important because the blue trim will remind you to follow the Lord's commandments and "seek not after your own heart and your own eyes, after which ye use to go a whoring." We wouldn't want spiritual people following their heart or trusting their own lyin' eyes, would we? Fuck no.

Numbers 14

1 And all the congregation lifted up their voice, and cried; and the people wept that night.

2 And all the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron: and the whole congregation said unto them, Would God that we had died in the land of Egypt! or would God we had died in this wilderness!

3 And wherefore hath the LORD brought us unto this land, to fall by the sword, that our wives and our children should be a prey? were it not better for us to return into Egypt?

4 And they said one to another, Let us make a captain, and let us return into Egypt.

5 Then Moses and Aaron fell on their faces before all the assembly of the congregation of the children of Israel.

6 And Joshua the son of Nun, and Caleb the son of Jephunneh, which were of them that searched the land, rent their clothes:

7 And they spake unto all the company of the children of Israel, saying, The land, which we passed through to search it, is an exceeding good land.

8 If the LORD delight in us, then he will bring us into this land, and give it us; a land which floweth with milk and honey.

9 Only rebel not ye against the LORD, neither fear ye the people of the land; for they are bread for us: their defence is departed from them, and the LORD is with us: fear them not.

10 But all the congregation bade stone them with stones. And the glory of the LORD appeared in the tabernacle of the congregation before all the children of Israel.

11 And the LORD said unto Moses, How long will this people provoke me? and how long will it be ere they believe me, for all the signs which I have shewed among them?

12 I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they.

13 And Moses said unto the LORD, Then the Egyptians shall hear it, (for thou broughtest up this people in thy might from among them;)

14 And they will tell it to the inhabitants of this land: for they have heard that thou LORD art among this people, that thou LORD art seen face to face, and that thy cloud standeth over them, and that thou goest before them, by day time in a pillar of a cloud, and in a pillar of fire by night.

15 Now if thou shalt kill all this people as one man, then the nations which have heard the fame of thee will speak, saying,

16 Because the LORD was not able to bring this people into the land which he sware unto them, therefore he hath slain them in the wilderness.

17 And now, I beseech thee, let the power of my LORD be great, according as thou hast spoken, saying,

18 The LORD is longsuffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation.

19 Pardon, I beseech thee, the iniquity of this people according unto the greatness of thy mercy, and as thou hast forgiven this people, from Egypt even until now.

20 And the LORD said, I have pardoned according to thy word:

21 But as truly as I live, all the earth shall be filled with the glory of the LORD.

22 Because all those men which have seen my glory, and my miracles, which I did in Egypt and in the wilderness, and have tempted me now these ten times, and have not hearkened to my voice;

23 Surely they shall not see the land which I sware unto their fathers, neither shall any of them that provoked me see it:

24 But my servant Caleb, because he had another spirit with him, and hath followed me fully, him will I bring into the land whereinto he went; and his seed shall possess it.

25 (Now the Amalekites and the Canaanites dwelt in the valley.) Tomorrow turn you, and get you into the wilderness by the way of the Red sea.

26 And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying,

27 How long shall I bear with this evil congregation, which murmur against me? I have heard the murmurings of the children of Israel, which they murmur against me.

28 Say unto them, As truly as I live, saith the LORD, as ye have spoken in mine ears, so will I do to you:

29 Your carcases shall fall in this wilderness; and all that were numbered of you, according to your whole number, from twenty years old and upward which have murmured against me.

30 Doubtless ye shall not come into the land, concerning which I sware to make you dwell therein, save Caleb the son of Jephunneh, and Joshua the son of Nun.

31 But your little ones, which ye said should be a prey, them will I bring in, and they shall know the land which ye have despised.

32 But as for you, your carcases, they shall fall in this wilderness.

33 And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years, and bear your whoredoms, until your carcases be wasted in the wilderness.

34 After the number of the days in which ye searched the land, even forty days, each day for a year, shall ye bear your iniquities, even forty years, and ye shall know my breach of promise.

35 I the LORD have said, I will surely do it unto all this evil congregation, that are gathered together against me: in this wilderness they shall be consumed, and there they shall die.

36 And the men, which Moses sent to search the land, who returned, and made all the congregation to murmur against him, by bringing up a slander upon the land,

37 Even those men that did bring up the evil report upon the land, died by the plague before the LORD.

38 But Joshua the son of Nun, and Caleb the son of Jephunneh, which were of the men that went to search the land, lived still.

39 And Moses told these sayings unto all the children of Israel: and the people mourned greatly.

40 And they rose up early in the morning, and gat them up into the top of the mountain, saying, Lo, we be here, and will go up unto the place which the LORD hath promised: for we have sinned.

41 And Moses said, Wherefore now do ye transgress the commandment of the LORD? but it shall not prosper.

42 Go not up, for the LORD is not among you; that ye be not smitten before your enemies.

43 For the Amalekites and the Canaanites are there before you, and ye shall fall by the sword: because ye are turned away from the LORD, therefore the LORD will not be with you.

44 But they presumed to go up unto the hill top: nevertheless the ark of the covenant of the LORD, and Moses, departed not out of the camp.

45 Then the Amalekites came down, and the Canaanites which dwelt in that hill, and smote them, and discomfited them, even unto Hormah

#1: The whole congregation cried (you'd think Alderaan had blown up or something).

#2: The Israelites "murmured against Moses and against Aaron" and wished they'd all died in Egypt or right there in the wilderness.

#3: Why, they ask, did God bring them here to be killed in battle and for their families to be vulnerable. Shouldn't they all just go back to Egypt?

#4: And they decided to name a captain to lead them back home. (Just wonderin': how do two million people in the wilderness pull off a vote like that? Was Diebold around back then?)

#5: "Moses and Aaron fell on their faces before all the assembly of the congregation of the children of Israel." (That's gotta leave a mark.)

#6: Joshua and Caleb tore their clothes.

#7: And they told the Israelites that the land they spied was "an exceeding good land."

#8: If, they continued, "the LORD delight in us, then he will bring us into this land, and give it us; a land which floweth with milk and honey."

#9: Don't rebel against YHWH, they urged, and don't fear the people whose land you're about to steal. We'll eat them like bread. God has rendered them defenseless. Don't fear them.

#10: The Israelites decide to stone them (is "them" Moe and Double-A or the raiment-ripping spies?). "And the glory of the LORD appeared in the tabernacle of the congregation before all the children of Israel."

#11: YHWH, who hadn't been threatened with any stones, decides it's all about Him. "And the LORD said unto Moses, How long will this people provoke me? and how long will it be ere they believe me, for all the signs which I have shewed among them?"

#12: The Lord, previewing the "turn the other cheek" philosophy I understand we'll hear from his son, says: "I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they." (I.e., we had to infest and infect the villager in order to save them.)

#13: Timid, tongue-tied ol' Moses, twists God's arm once again: "Then the Egyptians shall hear it..."

#14: They'll tell the land's current occupants, who know about our close connection to you...

#15: If you kill all the Israelites, those designated enemies will say...

#16: "Because the LORD was not able to bring this people into the land which he sware unto them, therefore he hath slain them in the wilderness." (I'm not sure why that's a great defense: don't kill your chosen people, because what will the heathens say?)

#17: Moses begs God, "let the power of my LORD be great, according as thou hast spoken, saying..."

#18: ... that you are longsuffering and merciful... but "by no means clearing the guilty," as you'll do the right thing and punish the next four generations for the sins of their forefathers. (Sounds reasonable.)

#19: Please, Moses asks, pardon the Israelites.

#20: And YHWH relents.

#21: He says, "as truly as I live, all the earth shall be filled with the glory of the LORD."

#22: Because the Israelites, whom He's shown His glory and His miracles "have tempted me now these ten times" and still don't listen to me...

#23: They won't get to the promised land.

#24: "But my servant Caleb, because he had another spirit with him, and hath followed me fully, him will I bring into the land whereinto he went; and his seed shall possess it."

#25: Parenthetically we are reminded that "Amalekites and the Canaanites dwelt in the valley." But tomorrow, God says, "get you into the wilderness by the way of the Red sea."

#26. Yahweh tells (or asks, really) Moses and Aaron...

#27: "How long shall I bear with this evil congregation, which murmur against me? I have heard the murmurings of the children of Israel, which they murmur against me." (Speaking of captains, this Yaweh fellow is starting to sound like Philip Francis Queeg.)

#28: Tell them, God says, that...

#29: "Your carcases shall fall in this wilderness," all of you twenty and older "which have murmured against me." (Hooray! God loves us!)

#30: "Doubtless ye shall not come into the land, except for Caleb and Joshua.

#31: Your kids, though, will "know the land which ye have despised."

#32: But, again "your carcases... shall fall in this wilderness." (Just in case He hadn't been clear on that part.)

#33: "And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years, and bear your whoredoms, until your carcases be wasted in the wilderness." (Just like we used to say, never trust anyone over 20. And haven't they served one of those 40 years in Nowheresville already? Nope, 40 more years, it seems, suffering their parents' "whoredoms" and waiting for their carcasses to rot. This all could have gone so much more quickly if someone had invented Soylent Green.)

#34: The 40 years is one year of payback for each of the forty days of God-ordained spying on God-ordained victims, which culminated in "breach of promise" when the chickenshit spies exaggerated the strength of the targeted peoples.

#35: "I will surely do it unto all this evil congregation," says the loving Creator, "in this wilderness they shall be consumed, and there they shall die."

#36: Moses' spies, who caused the murmurs with their "slander upon the land..."

#37: They "died by the plague before the LORD."

#38: But Josh and Caleb lived.

#39: Moses told the Israelites, and they "mourned greatly." (I think they're supposed to go, "It's good you're gonna do that, Lord. It's real good.")

#40: They got up early and went to the top of the mountain, saying that they've sinned... and that they'll head to the promised land (instead of rotting in the wilderness, as the Good Lord intended).

#41: Moses asked them why they "transgress the commandment of the LORD," when it can't possibly succeed.

#42: Moses tells them not to do it, as they'll be struck down by their enemies.

#43 The Amalekites and Canaanites will slay the Israelites, he says, because the latter have "turned away from the LORD," and thus the Lord won't be with them.

#44: But up they went, while Moses and the Ark of the Covenant stayed put.

#45: And, sure as shooting stabbing, the Amalekites and Canaanites overwhelmed them, all the way back to Hormah. (It's not clear how many dead this implies).

Numbers 13

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Send thou men, that they may search the land of Canaan, which I give unto the children of Israel: of every tribe of their fathers shall ye send a man, every one a ruler among them.

3 And Moses by the commandment of the LORD sent them from the wilderness of Paran: all those men were heads of the children of Israel.

4 And these were their names: of the tribe of Reuben, Shammua the son of Zaccur.

5 Of the tribe of Simeon, Shaphat the son of Hori.

6 Of the tribe of Judah, Caleb the son of Jephunneh.

7 Of the tribe of Issachar, Igal the son of Joseph.

8 Of the tribe of Ephraim, Oshea the son of Nun.

9 Of the tribe of Benjamin, Palti the son of Raphu.

10 Of the tribe of Zebulun, Gaddiel the son of Sodi.

11 Of the tribe of Joseph, namely, of the tribe of Manasseh, Gaddi the son of Susi.

12 Of the tribe of Dan, Ammiel the son of Gemalli.

13 Of the tribe of Asher, Sethur the son of Michael.

14 Of the tribe of Naphtali, Nahbi the son of Vophsi.

15 Of the tribe of Gad, Geuel the son of Machi.

16 These are the names of the men which Moses sent to spy out the land. And Moses called Oshea the son of Nun Jehoshua.

17 And Moses sent them to spy out the land of Canaan, and said unto them, Get you up this way southward, and go up into the mountain:

18 And see the land, what it is, and the people that dwelleth therein, whether they be strong or weak, few or many;

19 And what the land is that they dwell in, whether it be good or bad; and what cities they be that they dwell in, whether in tents, or in strong holds;

20 And what the land is, whether it be fat or lean, whether there be wood therein, or not. And be ye of good courage, and bring of the fruit of the land. Now the time was the time of the firstripe grapes.

21 So they went up, and searched the land from the wilderness of Zin unto Rehob, as men come to Hamath.

22 And they ascended by the south, and came unto Hebron; where Ahiman, Sheshai, and Talmai, the children of Anak, were. (Now Hebron was built seven years before Zoan in Egypt.)

23 And they came unto the brook of Eshcol, and cut down from thence a branch with one cluster of grapes, and they bare it between two upon a staff; and they brought of the pomegranates, and of the figs.

24 The place was called the brook Eshcol, because of the cluster of grapes which the children of Israel cut down from thence.

25 And they returned from searching of the land after forty days.

26 And they went and came to Moses, and to Aaron, and to all the congregation of the children of Israel, unto the wilderness of Paran, to Kadesh; and brought back word unto them, and unto all the congregation, and shewed them the fruit of the land.

27 And they told him, and said, We came unto the land whither thou sentest us, and surely it floweth with milk and honey; and this is the fruit of it.

28 Nevertheless the people be strong that dwell in the land, and the cities are walled, and very great: and moreover we saw the children of Anak there.

29 The Amalekites dwell in the land of the south: and the Hittites, and the Jebusites, and the Amorites, dwell in the mountains: and the Canaanites dwell by the sea, and by the coast of Jordan.

30 And Caleb stilled the people before Moses, and said, Let us go up at once, and possess it; for we are well able to overcome it.

31 But the men that went up with him said, We be not able to go up against the people; for they are stronger than we.

32 And they brought up an evil report of the land which they had searched unto the children of Israel, saying, The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature.

33 And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight.

If I weren't tempting fate enough by running a Bible Study for Atheists, here I am tangling with Numbers 13.

#1: The Lord tells Moses...

#2: Send your men to scout out Canaan (ol' Hobab might have come in handy), which I'm giving to you. The spies should be "a ruler" from each tribe.

#3: Moses sent 'em.

#4-15: The spy-rulers are listed. For some reason, the Manasseh line's connection to Joseph is noted, while the Ephraimites are not. The latter is represented by the Bible's first Irish Catholic: O'Shea, the son of Nun....

#16: But Moe knew him as Nancy Jehoshua.

#17: Moses told them to go southward and up on a mountain...

#18: And to size up the current tenants...

#19: And the quality of the real estate...

#20: And its agricultural characteristics.

#21-24: The looked here and there and snagged some fruit.

#25: After the time-honored interval of forty days, they returned to camp.

#26: They told Moses and the 2,000,000 (or 600,000 — depending on who was invited) Israelites what they saw and showed them the fruit.

#27: They said that the land flowed with milk and honey. And fresh fruit!

#28: But the bad news was that the people were strong (and the men were good-looking?), and what's more, they said, "we saw the children of Anak there." Apparently, that was bad news.

#29: There were Amaleks, Hittites, Jebusites, Amorites, and of course Canaanites, with their homes by the sea. We had been promised a showdown with all these unchosen people, especially the sons of Amalek.

#30: Caleb was the resident Donald Rumsfeld. He was confident that their mission would be short work.

#31: The other spies were naysayers. They said the Israelites couldn't compete against those whom God wanted them to oust.

#32: "And they brought up an evil report of the land which they had searched unto the children of Israel, saying, The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature." Not sure if "evil report" means it was a lie, an exaggeration, or just bad news.

#33: It does sound a little fishy: "And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight." But that wouldn't the first thing here that sounds a little fishy.

Numbers 12

1 And Miriam and Aaron spake against Moses because of the Ethiopian woman whom he had married: for he had married an Ethiopian woman.

2 And they said, Hath the LORD indeed spoken only by Moses? hath he not spoken also by us? And the LORD heard it.

3 (Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.)

4 And the LORD spake suddenly unto Moses, and unto Aaron, and unto Miriam, Come out ye three unto the tabernacle of the congregation. And they three came out.

5 And the LORD came down in the pillar of the cloud, and stood in the door of the tabernacle, and called Aaron and Miriam: and they both came forth.

6 And he said, Hear now my words: If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will make myself known unto him in a vision, and will speak unto him in a dream.

7 My servant Moses is not so, who is faithful in all mine house.

8 With him will I speak mouth to mouth, even apparently, and not in dark speeches; and the similitude of the LORD shall he behold: wherefore then were ye not afraid to speak against my servant Moses?

9 And the anger of the LORD was kindled against them; and he departed.

10 And the cloud departed from off the tabernacle; and, behold, Miriam became leprous, white as snow: and Aaron looked upon Miriam, and, behold, she was leprous.

11 And Aaron said unto Moses, Alas, my lord, I beseech thee, lay not the sin upon us, wherein we have done foolishly, and wherein we have sinned.

12 Let her not be as one dead, of whom the flesh is half consumed when he cometh out of his mother's womb.

13 And Moses cried unto the LORD, saying, Heal her now, O God, I beseech thee.

14 And the LORD said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days? let her be shut out from the camp seven days, and after that let her be received in again.

15 And Miriam was shut out from the camp seven days: and the people journeyed not till Miriam was brought in again.

16 And afterward the people removed from Hazeroth, and pitched in the wilderness of Paran.

You can't tell the players without a scorecard. Or with an infallible book.

Not only are we struggling to keep straight the name of Moses' father-in-law, the ethnicity and singularity of his wife now come into question. Could it be that Moses has two wives?

In the -- Book of Exodus, in the process of Moses' exile from Egypt, he begins working for Jethro as a shepherd. Consequently he meets Zipporah (meaning female/little bird), and marries her, and they have two sons, Gershom, and Eliezer.

Zipporah also features in a much more curious, and much-debated, passage (Exodus 4:24-27). The passage concerning Moses and Zipporah reach an inn, contains four of the most difficult sentences in Biblical text. One possible interpretation is that something (perhaps God, perhaps an agent of God) tries to kill Moses, until Zipporah carries out a circumcision. (Other interpretations suggest that it is their son, Gershom, who is attacked.) Yet another is that Moses tried to kill his own son and only after Zipporah cut the child's foreskin, drawing blood and pain, did his anger subside.

A third reference to a wife of Moses occurs in the story of Aaron and Miriam's complaints, at Numbers 12:1, where his wife is described as a Cushite, but is not named. Since Zipporah is a Midianite, some early sources, such as Josephus in his Jewish Antiquities 2.10-11, and the Targum Pseudo-Jonathan, as well as modern biblical criticism, have stated that they were different individuals, particularly since bigamy was legal, and practiced elsewhere by Jacob, a major patriarch. Nevertheless, a traditional Jewish and Christian view has been that they are both the same woman, the Cushite reference being only a metaphorical one concerning the perceived beauty of the Cushites, or the fact that the color of the Cushite was subjective, just like her beauty.

Two wives suggests two fathers-in-law, as well. Could Jethro and "Raguel"/"Reuel" be different people? I gather that Bible scholars don't think so, but my concern is what's on the page (as opposed to the history), and what's on the page is damned confusing. And, once again, rather misogynistic.

And speaking of sentences that start with "And," I'm long overdue in commenting on how many O.T. chapters begin with that conjunction. And, yes, I start a lot of sentences with "and," but this is a little too avant-garde for my taste. And it makes the Pentateuch seem like one long, run-on ramble. And so it goes....

#1: Miriam and Aaron speak ill of their brother, Moses, because of "the Ethiopian woman whom he had married: for he had married an Ethiopian woman."

#2: Then they said "Hath the LORD indeed spoken only by Moses? hath he not spoken also by us? And the LORD heard it." I'm not sure about that last sentence (the Lord presumably hears himself speak). Also, I don't recall God ever speaking to Miriam. In any case, they're jealous of Moses' special relationship with YHWH, in addition to the apparent racism or xenophobia that has them privately (well, except for God who hears that) trashtalking about Mrs. Moses.

#3: We're told (again) that "Moses was very meek." Meeker, in fact, than "all the men which were upon the face of the earth." Sure. This is the guy whose first act as a young man was a vigilante killing, who stood up to Pharaoh, and who not infrequently tells God what to do.

#4: Yahweh suddenly tells Moses, Aaron, and Miriam to join him at the tabernacle.

#5: He descended on "the pillar of the cloud, and stood in the door of the tabernacle, and called Aaron and Miriam: and they both came forth."

#6: He asked "If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will make myself known unto him in a vision, and will speak unto him in a dream."

#7: He says "not so" about his faithful "servant," Moses. Not sure what that means. That Moses is not a prophet? That even if he is one, God won't speak to him in a dream?

#8: "With him" (presumably, Moses), YHWH will "speak mouth to mouth" (here's a tip, your lordliness: mouth-to-ear works better), and "not in dark speeches." I take that to mean that God rides the straight-talk express with Moe, rather than confounding him with riddlesome dreams. Moses even gets to look at the Lord (this, of course, has been an on-again-off-again story element), so why, he asks, weren't his sibs afraid to dis him?

#9: Yahwah's anger percolated, and he left.

#10: As the cloud lifted, ""Miriam became leprous, white as snow." And Aaron? Unpunished, apparently. It's good to be male!

#11: "And Aaron said unto Moses, Alas, my lord..." (Was this meant as "milord"? Was he avowing that his brother is a demigod? Or was he just using Moses as a conduit, like Demi Moore kissing Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost?). Anyway, he begged not to have the "foolish" sin punished, even though he personally didn't have a mark on him. In its way, this is one of the more noble things I've read in this book — a man being deeply troubled that a vengeful, supernatural creature has grievously harmed his sister to punish some indiscreet conversation that he was a party to.

#12: Aaron doesn't want his sister to be like a grotesque, stillborn baby.

#13: Moses relays the message, begging YHWH, "Heal her now, O God, I beseech thee."

#14: The Lord asks "If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days?" (I would expect the answer should be "no," but I guess I'm just not down with the whole patriarchal thing.) God says to keep her out of the camp for a week. After that, one surmises she'll be cured, but that's not stated anywhere here.

#15: So, for a week, she's kept apart from the camp.

#16: "And afterward the people removed from Hazeroth, and pitched in the wilderness of Paran." This is a little confusing, too. In Numbers 10, the tabernacle parking-space marking clouds settled in Paran, and in Exodus 11, the people headed to Hazeroth. Are they backtracking?

Numbers 11

1 And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp.

2 And the people cried unto Moses; and when Moses prayed unto the LORD, the fire was quenched.

3 And he called the name of the place Taberah: because the fire of the LORD burnt among them.

4 And the mixt multitude that was among them fell a lusting: and the children of Israel also wept again, and said, Who shall give us flesh to eat?

5 We remember the fish, which we did eat in Egypt freely; the cucumbers, and the melons, and the leeks, and the onions, and the garlick:

6 But now our soul is dried away: there is nothing at all, beside this manna, before our eyes.

7 And the manna was as coriander seed, and the colour thereof as the colour of bdellium.

8 And the people went about, and gathered it, and ground it in mills, or beat it in a mortar, and baked it in pans, and made cakes of it: and the taste of it was as the taste of fresh oil.

9 And when the dew fell upon the camp in the night, the manna fell upon it.

10 Then Moses heard the people weep throughout their families, every man in the door of his tent: and the anger of the LORD was kindled greatly; Moses also was displeased.

11 And Moses said unto the LORD, Wherefore hast thou afflicted thy servant? and wherefore have I not found favour in thy sight, that thou layest the burden of all this people upon me?

12 Have I conceived all this people? have I begotten them, that thou shouldest say unto me, Carry them in thy bosom, as a nursing father beareth the sucking child, unto the land which thou swarest unto their fathers?

13 Whence should I have flesh to give unto all this people? for they weep unto me, saying, Give us flesh, that we may eat.

14 I am not able to bear all this people alone, because it is too heavy for me.

15 And if thou deal thus with me, kill me, I pray thee, out of hand, if I have found favour in thy sight; and let me not see my wretchedness.

16 And the LORD said unto Moses, Gather unto me seventy men of the elders of Israel, whom thou knowest to be the elders of the people, and officers over them; and bring them unto the tabernacle of the congregation, that they may stand there with thee.

17 And I will come down and talk with thee there: and I will take of the spirit which is upon thee, and will put it upon them; and they shall bear the burden of the people with thee, that thou bear it not thyself alone.

18 And say thou unto the people, Sanctify yourselves against to morrow, and ye shall eat flesh: for ye have wept in the ears of the LORD, saying, Who shall give us flesh to eat? for it was well with us in Egypt: therefore the LORD will give you flesh, and ye shall eat.

19 Ye shall not eat one day, nor two days, nor five days, neither ten days, nor twenty days;

20 But even a whole month, until it come out at your nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you: because that ye have despised the LORD which is among you, and have wept before him, saying, Why came we forth out of Egypt?

21 And Moses said, The people, among whom I am, are six hundred thousand footmen; and thou hast said, I will give them flesh, that they may eat a whole month.

22 Shall the flocks and the herds be slain for them, to suffice them? or shall all the fish of the sea be gathered together for them, to suffice them?

23 And the LORD said unto Moses, Is the LORD's hand waxed short? thou shalt see now whether my word shall come to pass unto thee or not.

24 And Moses went out, and told the people the words of the LORD, and gathered the seventy men of the elders of the people, and set them round about the tabernacle.

25 And the LORD came down in a cloud, and spake unto him, and took of the spirit that was upon him, and gave it unto the seventy elders: and it came to pass, that, when the spirit rested upon them, they prophesied, and did not cease.

26 But there remained two of the men in the camp, the name of the one was Eldad, and the name of the other Medad: and the spirit rested upon them; and they were of them that were written, but went not out unto the tabernacle: and they prophesied in the camp.

27 And there ran a young man, and told Moses, and said, Eldad and Medad do prophesy in the camp.

28 And Joshua the son of Nun, the servant of Moses, one of his young men, answered and said, My lord Moses, forbid them.

29 And Moses said unto him, Enviest thou for my sake? would God that all the LORD's people were prophets, and that the LORD would put his spirit upon them!

30 And Moses gat him into the camp, he and the elders of Israel.

31 And there went forth a wind from the LORD, and brought quails from the sea, and let them fall by the camp, as it were a day's journey on this side, and as it were a day's journey on the other side, round about the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the face of the earth.

32 And the people stood up all that day, and all that night, and all the next day, and they gathered the quails: he that gathered least gathered ten homers: and they spread them all abroad for themselves round about the camp.

33 And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague.

34 And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted.

35 And the people journeyed from Kibrothhattaavah unto Hazeroth; and abode at Hazeroth.

#1: The people bitched, and it pissed off the Lord. "... his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp." (Not sure why the people on the outskirts got the old theo-thermal treatment — is that where the gripers hung out, like the cut-ups in the back of a schoolroom?)

#2: "And the people cried unto Moses; and when Moses prayed unto the LORD, the fire was quenched." (It's a merciful God. He might have toasted more of 'em for bellyaching about the burning).

#3: God (at least I think that's the "he" in this context) "called the name of the place Taberah: because the fire of the LORD burnt among them." (Parents could use this uplifting little lesson: "Quiet down, you kids, or we'll take you to Taberah — where they burn complainers." I am so learning about love, compassion, and forgiveness from this book!)

#4: The motley crew started "lusting" and weeping for some meat.

#5: They remembered the good eatin' to be had in Egypt: fish, cukes, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic.

#6: "But now our soul is dried away: there is nothing at all, beside this manna, before our eyes." (With the smell of God-smoked Israelites still in the air, do they really want to go there?)

#7: "And the manna was as coriander seed, and the colour thereof as the colour of bdellium." (Is this part of the complaint? "I won't eat this crap — it's the color of bdellium!")

#8: The people went about gathering it and making mannacakes, which tasted like "fresh oil." (Delish!)

#9: And the manna fell from the dew. (Where is the dew when this happens?)

#10: Yahweh was furious about the weeping of the meat-lusters, and "Moses also was displeased."

#11: Moses gripes to God, "Wherefore hast thou afflicted thy servant? and wherefore have I not found favour in thy sight, that thou layest the burden of all this people upon me?"

#12: Moe turns the drama-queen thing up to 11: "Have I conceived all this people? have I begotten them, that thou shouldest say unto me, Carry them in thy bosom, as a nursing father beareth the sucking child, unto the land which thou swarest unto their fathers?" (Nursing father? Hang on, I gotta go check something in my biology textbook....)

#13: When, Moses asks, will he have the meat to feed these whiny people? (When he stops ritually slaughtering livestock, perhaps?)

#14: God's assistant is reaching the breaking point: "I am not able to bear all this people alone, because it is too heavy for me."

#15: Just shoot me, sez Moses.

#16: The Lord tells Moses to round up 70 elders, and bring 'em to the tabernacle.

#17: He'll talk with them there, and he'll shift the burden to those dudes.

#18: YHWH also tells Moses to advise the people to "Sanctify yourselves against to morrow, and ye shall eat flesh: for ye have wept in the ears of the LORD, saying, Who shall give us flesh to eat? for it was well with us in Egypt: therefore the LORD will give you flesh, and ye shall eat." (So, this time the squeaky wheel got the grease instead of the lighter fluid. Not sure what the difference was, other than Moses interceding on behalf of the Gloomy Guses. In any case, God is generous. Hooray!)

#19: He says they'll have meat for more than 1, 2, 5, 10, or 20 days. (Hooray!)

#20: It will be for "a whole month, until it come out at their nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you: because that ye have despised the LORD which is among you, and have wept before him, saying, Why came we forth out of Egypt?" (Oops! What's Hebrew for "Be careful what you wish for"?)

#21: Moses points out that his army consists of "six hundred thousand footmen."

#22: He asks if he should slaughter the "flocks and the herds" or gather "all the fish of the sea" to handle this massive deli order.

#23: Yahweh gets sarcastic: "Is the LORD's hand waxed short? thou shalt see now whether my word shall come to pass unto thee or not."

#24: Moses tells the people what the Lord said (including the part about the nostrils?), and he brought together the 70 elders at the tabernacle.

#25: YHWH swings by in a cloud, and he turned Moses' spirit into what smells like 70 old guys with team spirit.

#26: Two elders, Eldad (excellent name for an elder) and Medad (not too bad, either) didn't go to the tabernacle, but "the spirit rested upon them," too. "They prophesied in the camp." (Not sure how to take that last bit. Were they prophets already? Did the "spirit" make them so? And why didn't they show up at the tabernacle... because they already knew what would happen?)

#27: "And there ran a young man, and told Moses, and said, Eldad and Medad do prophesy in the camp." (I guess Moses doesn't need to be prophetic if deus ex machina characters rush in and tell him what's what.)

#28: Joshua, Moses's Ephraimite servent said "My lord Moses, forbid them."

#29: But Moses asks why Josh is envious on his behalf. Moe wishes that all of the chosen people were prophets filled with God's spirit.

#30: Moses and the elders returned to the camp (Apparently, the area around the tabernacle isn't considered part of the camp).

#31: A wind arose, bringing quails from the sea into the camp. They were piled two-cubits high for as long as one could walk on a day, all around the camp.

#32: The people gathered up some birds.

#33: While the people prepared to chew on the poultry, Yahweh suddenly got furious again and "smote the people with a very great plague." (Apparently, 30 days of meat coming out of their nostrils wasn't tough love enough for the kvetching Israelites.)

#34: "And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted." (So how many of "the people" did he smite?" Is that what he "chose" these people for?)

#35: "And the people journeyed from Kibrothhattaavah unto Hazeroth; and abode at Hazeroth." (If I were them, I would definitely look up what Hazeroth means.)

Numbers 10

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Make thee two trumpets of silver; of a whole piece shalt thou make them: that thou mayest use them for the calling of the assembly, and for the journeying of the camps.

3 And when they shall blow with them, all the assembly shall assemble themselves to thee at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.

4 And if they blow but with one trumpet, then the princes, which are heads of the thousands of Israel, shall gather themselves unto thee.

5 When ye blow an alarm, then the camps that lie on the east parts shall go forward.

6 When ye blow an alarm the second time, then the camps that lie on the south side shall take their journey: they shall blow an alarm for their journeys.

7 But when the congregation is to be gathered together, ye shall blow, but ye shall not sound an alarm.

8 And the sons of Aaron, the priests, shall blow with the trumpets; and they shall be to you for an ordinance for ever throughout your generations.

9 And if ye go to war in your land against the enemy that oppresseth you, then ye shall blow an alarm with the trumpets; and ye shall be remembered before the LORD your God, and ye shall be saved from your enemies.

10 Also in the day of your gladness, and in your solemn days, and in the beginnings of your months, ye shall blow with the trumpets over your burnt offerings, and over the sacrifices of your peace offerings; that they may be to you for a memorial before your God: I am the LORD your God.

11 And it came to pass on the twentieth day of the second month, in the second year, that the cloud was taken up from off the tabernacle of the testimony.

12 And the children of Israel took their journeys out of the wilderness of Sinai; and the cloud rested in the wilderness of Paran.

13 And they first took their journey according to the commandment of the LORD by the hand of Moses.

14 In the first place went the standard of the camp of the children of Judah according to their armies: and over his host was Nahshon the son of Amminadab.

15 And over the host of the tribe of the children of Issachar was Nethaneel the son of Zuar.

16 And over the host of the tribe of the children of Zebulun was Eliab the son of Helon.

17 And the tabernacle was taken down; and the sons of Gershon and the sons of Merari set forward, bearing the tabernacle.

18 And the standard of the camp of Reuben set forward according to their armies: and over his host was Elizur the son of Shedeur.

19 And over the host of the tribe of the children of Simeon was Shelumiel the son of Zurishaddai.

20 And over the host of the tribe of the children of Gad was Eliasaph the son of Deuel.

21 And the Kohathites set forward, bearing the sanctuary: and the other did set up the tabernacle against they came.

22 And the standard of the camp of the children of Ephraim set forward according to their armies: and over his host was Elishama the son of Ammihud.

23 And over the host of the tribe of the children of Manasseh was Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur.

24 And over the host of the tribe of the children of Benjamin was Abidan the son of Gideoni.

25 And the standard of the camp of the children of Dan set forward, which was the rereward of all the camps throughout their hosts: and over his host was Ahiezer the son of Ammishaddai.

26 And over the host of the tribe of the children of Asher was Pagiel the son of Ocran.

27 And over the host of the tribe of the children of Naphtali was Ahira the son of Enan.

28 Thus were the journeyings of the children of Israel according to their armies, when they set forward.

29 And Moses said unto Hobab, the son of Raguel the Midianite, Moses' father in law, We are journeying unto the place of which the LORD said, I will give it you: come thou with us, and we will do thee good: for the LORD hath spoken good concerning Israel.

30 And he said unto him, I will not go; but I will depart to mine own land, and to my kindred.

31 And he said, Leave us not, I pray thee; forasmuch as thou knowest how we are to encamp in the wilderness, and thou mayest be to us instead of eyes.

32 And it shall be, if thou go with us, yea, it shall be, that what goodness the LORD shall do unto us, the same will we do unto thee.

33 And they departed from the mount of the LORD three days' journey: and the ark of the covenant of the LORD went before them in the three days' journey, to search out a resting place for them.

34 And the cloud of the LORD was upon them by day, when they went out of the camp.

35 And it came to pass, when the ark set forward, that Moses said, Rise up, LORD, and let thine enemies be scattered; and let them that hate thee flee before thee.

36 And when it rested, he said, Return, O LORD, unto the many thousands of Israel.

#1: YHWH tells Moses...

#2: To make two trumpets and call for assemblies and journeys with them...

#3: When you blow them, all 600,000 or 2,000,000 (not sure if the womenfolk and males out of the age range qualify) not only will hear the call (loud horns, close-packed people, or awesome wilderness acoustics), they'll manage to gather by the tent entrance (very close-packed people).

#4: A one-trumpet call means just the princes should come.

#5: "When ye blow an alarm, then the camps that lie on the east parts shall go forward." I'm not sure how an alarm is sounded, as opposed to a come-hither to the tabernacle, but maybe that was common knowledge back then. (Moses and Aaron are on the east-side, FWIW).

#6: On the second alarm, the south-side (the baddest part of camp) starts skedaddling. (That's where the rest of the Kohathites are. Not sure what the Northerners and Westerners are supposed to do).

#7: To gather the congregation, the horn shouldn't be so alarming (maybe a little Wynton Marsalis?).

#8: Aaron's sons shall forever be the trumpeters (East-side rulez!).

#9: If there's a war, blow an alarm, and God will remember you and save you.

#10: Blow the trumpets for most every occasion: "in the day of your gladness, and in your solemn days, and in the beginnings of your months, ye shall blow with the trumpets over your burnt offerings, and over the sacrifices of your peace offerings; that they may be to you for a memorial before your God: I am the LORD your God." (That's a swell idea, using your alert system 24/7 for ceremonial purposes. I'm sure that will make people especially attentive to the emergencies).

#11: On the twentieth of the second month of the second year, the cloud moved off the tabernacle...

#12: And relocated to "the wilderness of Paran."

#13: The Israelites took their first trip, just as God told Moses to tell them.

#14-27: The "hosts" of 12 tribes are identified. But, it's not one tribe/host for each of Israel's sons (and let's not mention the one daughter; Mr. Bible Writer Man certainly doesn't). Eleven of Jake's sons are accounted for with tribal hosts, with Joseph being represented twice, via the Ephraimites and the Manassehites. Moses and Aaron's gang, the Levites, just schlep the big tent around (the Gershon and Merari branches) and pitch it (the Kohathites) when they catch up to the cloudy marker. Looks like Kohath boys Moe and Double-A don't get to wear an "H" on their jerseys, and ditto for all the Gershes and Merars.

#28: "Thus were the journeyings of the children of Israel according to their armies, when they set forward." (Armies? Man, this is worse than any Florida real-estate scam. We answer an ad for "Promised Land," and now we're all in the army?)

#29: Moses tells Hobab, son of Raguel (the father-in-law formerly known as "Jethro") that they're going to that terrific tract where life is good.

#30: Hobab says "No dice." He's going back home.

#31: Moe begs Hobab to stay on and serve as a guide.

#32: And when the Lord does good stuff for us, we'll do the same to you. (Moses sounds like a pretty good brother-in-law).

#33: For three days, they went looking for new digs, the ark of the covenant at the front. They searched for a resting place. (But wasn't the cloud showing them the way? Seems like Ouija in reverse: they're nominally searching but are really guided by the supernatural.)

#34: "And the cloud of the LORD was upon them by day, when they went out of the camp." (100% chance of clouds. What is this, Seattle?)

#35: Moses barks orders at the Big Guy: "Rise up, LORD, and let thine enemies be scattered; and let them that hate thee flee before thee." (Remember when he was the timid speaker who need his brother to be his mouthpiece?)

#36: "And when it rested, he said, Return, O LORD, unto the many thousands of Israel." ("It rested," presumably means when the ark roadies set it down. Not sure what Moses means by "return," though. Does he mean that Yahweh should take a break from fucking up our enemies, and show us some love on the [temporary] home front? Or something else?)

Numbers 9

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses in the wilderness of Sinai, in the first month of the second year after they were come out of the land of Egypt, saying,

2 Let the children of Israel also keep the passover at his appointed season.

3 In the fourteenth day of this month, at even, ye shall keep it in his appointed season: according to all the rites of it, and according to all the ceremonies thereof, shall ye keep it.

4 And Moses spake unto the children of Israel, that they should keep the passover.

5 And they kept the passover on the fourteenth day of the first month at even in the wilderness of Sinai: according to all that the LORD commanded Moses, so did the children of Israel.

6 And there were certain men, who were defiled by the dead body of a man, that they could not keep the passover on that day: and they came before Moses and before Aaron on that day:

7 And those men said unto him, We are defiled by the dead body of a man: wherefore are we kept back, that we may not offer an offering of the LORD in his appointed season among the children of Israel?

8 And Moses said unto them, Stand still, and I will hear what the LORD will command concerning you.

9 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

10 Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If any man of you or of your posterity shall be unclean by reason of a dead body, or be in a journey afar off, yet he shall keep the passover unto the LORD.

11 The fourteenth day of the second month at even they shall keep it, and eat it with unleavened bread and bitter herbs.

12 They shall leave none of it unto the morning, nor break any bone of it: according to all the ordinances of the passover they shall keep it.

13 But the man that is clean, and is not in a journey, and forbeareth to keep the passover, even the same soul shall be cut off from among his people: because he brought not the offering of the LORD in his appointed season, that man shall bear his sin.

14 And if a stranger shall sojourn among you, and will keep the passover unto the LORD; according to the ordinance of the passover, and according to the manner thereof, so shall he do: ye shall have one ordinance, both for the stranger, and for him that was born in the land.

15 And on the day that the tabernacle was reared up the cloud covered the tabernacle, namely, the tent of the testimony: and at even there was upon the tabernacle as it were the appearance of fire, until the morning.

16 So it was alway: the cloud covered it by day, and the appearance of fire by night.

17 And when the cloud was taken up from the tabernacle, then after that the children of Israel journeyed: and in the place where the cloud abode, there the children of Israel pitched their tents.

18 At the commandment of the LORD the children of Israel journeyed, and at the commandment of the LORD they pitched: as long as the cloud abode upon the tabernacle they rested in their tents.

19 And when the cloud tarried long upon the tabernacle many days, then the children of Israel kept the charge of the LORD, and journeyed not.

20 And so it was, when the cloud was a few days upon the tabernacle; according to the commandment of the LORD they abode in their tents, and according to the commandment of the LORD they journeyed.

21 And so it was, when the cloud abode from even unto the morning, and that the cloud was taken up in the morning, then they journeyed: whether it was by day or by night that the cloud was taken up, they journeyed.

22 Or whether it were two days, or a month, or a year, that the cloud tarried upon the tabernacle, remaining thereon, the children of Israel abode in their tents, and journeyed not: but when it was taken up, they journeyed.

23 At the commandment of the LORD they rested in the tents, and at the commandment of the LORD they journeyed: they kept the charge of the LORD, at the commandment of the LORD by the hand of Moses.

Time keeps on sticking, sticking, sticking.

It seems like only yesterday, 45 chapters back in Exodus 40, we were told that "it came to pass in the first month in the second year, on the first day of the month, that the tabernacle was reared up."

After we larned us some Leviticus and landed in chapter 1 of Numbers, our calendars were synchronized on "the first day of the second month, in the second year after they were come out of the land of Egypt." Hmm....

And here in Numbers 9 (psst: backwards it says "turn me on, deadman"), we're still in the first fortnight of the first month of the second year in the wilderness.

But, we'll soldier on through that light-speed whiplash and see what's what here....

Another reminder to celebrate the blessed slaughter of Egyptian firstborns (i.e., Passover).

If you were defiled by the deceased (a turned-on deadman?), take note of the special Passover tips just for folks in your predicament.

The same rules apply if you're just out town. Even the Accidental Tourist didn't equate travel with being raped by a corpse. In contrast, the Sloop John B was a pleasure cruise, though shipping up to Boston and losing your leg is a pretty rough ride in its own right. But I digress....

Some who were defiled by the dead came up to Moses and said, oddly enough, "We are defiled by the dead...." Then Moses put them on hold and waited to hear God's instructions, which were forthcoming.

The travelers and dead-body touchers/touchees need to eat unleavened bread and bitter herbs with their Passover meat and finish it that night... without breaking any of its bones.

Not sure how that differs from the ordinary practice. Perhaps a simpler ritual? Are they forgiven if they don't get around to observing the holiday?

Clean men at home who don't observe Passover are excommunicated.

If you have guests from out-of-town, they participate, as well.

On that Passover day, a cloud covered the tabernacle, and that night it looked as if it were on fire? (Did they have fire marshals back then? Did anyone try to put it out?)

Anyway, no big deal, since that cloud-and-flame show was an everyday event, like fireworks at a Disney theme park. A friendly tip, Yahweh: after a while, people get a little bored with even the best FX. It's just human nature. Actually, maybe you figured that out, and that's why you stopped doing miracles before we had things like video cameras.

As we know, when the clouds clear, it's time to traipse around — to God-knows-where (and God-shows-where, via the clouds) — with the tabernacle.

Numbers 8

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto Aaron and say unto him, When thou lightest the lamps, the seven lamps shall give light over against the candlestick.

3 And Aaron did so; he lighted the lamps thereof over against the candlestick, as the LORD commanded Moses.

4 And this work of the candlestick was of beaten gold, unto the shaft thereof, unto the flowers thereof, was beaten work: according unto the pattern which the LORD had shewed Moses, so he made the candlestick.

5 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

6 Take the Levites from among the children of Israel, and cleanse them.

7 And thus shalt thou do unto them, to cleanse them: Sprinkle water of purifying upon them, and let them shave all their flesh, and let them wash their clothes, and so make themselves clean.

8 Then let them take a young bullock with his meat offering, even fine flour mingled with oil, and another young bullock shalt thou take for a sin offering.

9 And thou shalt bring the Levites before the tabernacle of the congregation: and thou shalt gather the whole assembly of the children of Israel together:

10 And thou shalt bring the Levites before the LORD: and the children of Israel shall put their hands upon the Levites:

11 And Aaron shall offer the Levites before the LORD for an offering of the children of Israel, that they may execute the service of the LORD.

12 And the Levites shall lay their hands upon the heads of the bullocks: and thou shalt offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, unto the LORD, to make an atonement for the Levites.

13 And thou shalt set the Levites before Aaron, and before his sons, and offer them for an offering unto the LORD.

14 Thus shalt thou separate the Levites from among the children of Israel: and the Levites shall be mine.

15 And after that shall the Levites go in to do the service of the tabernacle of the congregation: and thou shalt cleanse them, and offer them for an offering.

16 For they are wholly given unto me from among the children of Israel; instead of such as open every womb, even instead of the firstborn of all the children of Israel, have I taken them unto me.

17 For all the firstborn of the children of Israel are mine, both man and beast: on the day that I smote every firstborn in the land of Egypt I sanctified them for myself.

18 And I have taken the Levites for all the firstborn of the children of Israel.

19 And I have given the Levites as a gift to Aaron and to his sons from among the children of Israel, to do the service of the children of Israel in the tabernacle of the congregation, and to make an atonement for the children of Israel: that there be no plague among the children of Israel, when the children of Israel come nigh unto the sanctuary.

20 And Moses, and Aaron, and all the congregation of the children of Israel, did to the Levites according unto all that the LORD commanded Moses concerning the Levites, so did the children of Israel unto them.

21 And the Levites were purified, and they washed their clothes; and Aaron offered them as an offering before the LORD; and Aaron made an atonement for them to cleanse them.

22 And after that went the Levites in to do their service in the tabernacle of the congregation before Aaron, and before his sons: as the LORD had commanded Moses concerning the Levites, so did they unto them.

23 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

24 This is it that belongeth unto the Levites: from twenty and five years old and upward they shall go in to wait upon the service of the tabernacle of the congregation:

25 And from the age of fifty years they shall cease waiting upon the service thereof, and shall serve no more:

26 But shall minister with their brethren in the tabernacle of the congregation, to keep the charge, and shall do no service. Thus shalt thou do unto the Levites touching their charge.

Yahweh formally stakes His claim over the Levites and lets the rest of Israel's firstborn males go, at least as far as the usual total servitude to Him is concerned.

The Levites get washed up and get a full-body Brazilian (no Nazarites among them?).

The two-million Israelites put their meat hooks on the heads of God's new slaves, and then the Levites put theirs on some critters who have to contend with the more serious kind of meat hooks.

Then "they" get cleansed. The animals? The Levites again? Are they getting spiritually cleansed?

God's newest acquisitions are "an atonement for the children of Israel."

And now, an Annie Hall break:

Mom Hall: How do you plan to spend the holidays, Mrs. Singer?
Alvy's Mom: We fast.
Dad Hall: Fast?
Alvy's Dad: No food. You know, to atone for our sins.
Mom Hall: What sins? I don't understand.
Alvy's Dad: To tell you the truth, neither do we.

It's a good deal for the Israelites, because they keep their sons and won't get the plague when they come to the sanctuary. Does that mean they won't catch it there, or if they go to temple, they won't get the plague anywhere?

And it's a good deal for Aaron, because YHWH signs the lease on these newbies over to him.

The Levites aged 25-50 "wait upon the service of the tabernacle of the congregation."

Over that age, they "shall minister with their brethren in the tabernacle of the congregation, to keep the charge, and shall do no service." I'm not strictly sure what "keep the charge" means. My best quasi-informed guess is they help hold religious services but don't do other "services."

Day of atonement

Please join me at http://www.dayofshame.com to commemorate the fifth anniversary of Colin Powell's fateful U.N. presentation.