Numbers 18

1 And the LORD said unto Aaron, Thou and thy sons and thy father's house with thee shall bear the iniquity of the sanctuary: and thou and thy sons with thee shall bear the iniquity of your priesthood.

2 And thy brethren also of the tribe of Levi, the tribe of thy father, bring thou with thee, that they may be joined unto thee, and minister unto thee: but thou and thy sons with thee shall minister before the tabernacle of witness.

3 And they shall keep thy charge, and the charge of all the tabernacle: only they shall not come nigh the vessels of the sanctuary and the altar, that neither they, nor ye also, die.

4 And they shall be joined unto thee, and keep the charge of the tabernacle of the congregation, for all the service of the tabernacle: and a stranger shall not come nigh unto you.

5 And ye shall keep the charge of the sanctuary, and the charge of the altar: that there be no wrath any more upon the children of Israel.

6 And I, behold, I have taken your brethren the Levites from among the children of Israel: to you they are given as a gift for the LORD, to do the service of the tabernacle of the congregation.

7 Therefore thou and thy sons with thee shall keep your priest's office for everything of the altar, and within the vail; and ye shall serve: I have given your priest's office unto you as a service of gift: and the stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death.

8 And the LORD spake unto Aaron, Behold, I also have given thee the charge of mine heave offerings of all the hallowed things of the children of Israel; unto thee have I given them by reason of the anointing, and to thy sons, by an ordinance for ever.

9 This shall be thine of the most holy things, reserved from the fire: every oblation of theirs, every meat offering of theirs, and every sin offering of theirs, and every trespass offering of theirs which they shall render unto me, shall be most holy for thee and for thy sons.

10 In the most holy place shalt thou eat it; every male shall eat it: it shall be holy unto thee.

11 And this is thine; the heave offering of their gift, with all the wave offerings of the children of Israel: I have given them unto thee, and to thy sons and to thy daughters with thee, by a statute for ever: every one that is clean in thy house shall eat of it.

12 All the best of the oil, and all the best of the wine, and of the wheat, the firstfruits of them which they shall offer unto the LORD, them have I given thee.

13 And whatsoever is first ripe in the land, which they shall bring unto the LORD, shall be thine; every one that is clean in thine house shall eat of it.

14 Every thing devoted in Israel shall be thine.

15 Every thing that openeth the matrix in all flesh, which they bring unto the LORD, whether it be of men or beasts, shall be thine: nevertheless the firstborn of man shalt thou surely redeem, and the firstling of unclean beasts shalt thou redeem.

16 And those that are to be redeemed from a month old shalt thou redeem, according to thine estimation, for the money of five shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary, which is twenty gerahs.

17 But the firstling of a cow, or the firstling of a sheep, or the firstling of a goat, thou shalt not redeem; they are holy: thou shalt sprinkle their blood upon the altar, and shalt burn their fat for an offering made by fire, for a sweet savour unto the LORD.

18 And the flesh of them shall be thine, as the wave breast and as the right shoulder are thine.

19 All the heave offerings of the holy things, which the children of Israel offer unto the LORD, have I given thee, and thy sons and thy daughters with thee, by a statute for ever: it is a covenant of salt for ever before the LORD unto thee and to thy seed with thee.

20 And the LORD spake unto Aaron, Thou shalt have no inheritance in their land, neither shalt thou have any part among them: I am thy part and thine inheritance among the children of Israel.

21 And, behold, I have given the children of Levi all the tenth in Israel for an inheritance, for their service which they serve, even the service of the tabernacle of the congregation.

22 Neither must the children of Israel henceforth come nigh the tabernacle of the congregation, lest they bear sin, and die.

23 But the Levites shall do the service of the tabernacle of the congregation, and they shall bear their iniquity: it shall be a statute for ever throughout your generations, that among the children of Israel they have no inheritance.

24 But the tithes of the children of Israel, which they offer as an heave offering unto the LORD, I have given to the Levites to inherit: therefore I have said unto them, Among the children of Israel they shall have no inheritance.

25 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

26 Thus speak unto the Levites, and say unto them, When ye take of the children of Israel the tithes which I have given you from them for your inheritance, then ye shall offer up an heave offering of it for the LORD, even a tenth part of the tithe.

27 And this your heave offering shall be reckoned unto you, as though it were the corn of the threshingfloor, and as the fulness of the winepress.

28 Thus ye also shall offer an heave offering unto the LORD of all your tithes, which ye receive of the children of Israel; and ye shall give thereof the LORD's heave offering to Aaron the priest.

29 Out of all your gifts ye shall offer every heave offering of the LORD, of all the best thereof, even the hallowed part thereof out of it.

30 Therefore thou shalt say unto them, When ye have heaved the best thereof from it, then it shall be counted unto the Levites as the increase of the threshingfloor, and as the increase of the winepress.

31 And ye shall eat it in every place, ye and your households: for it is your reward for your service in the tabernacle of the congregation.

32 And ye shall bear no sin by reason of it, when ye have heaved from it the best of it: neither shall ye pollute the holy things of the children of Israel, lest ye die.

"And the LORD said unto Aaron...." Well, that's new, isn't it? I don't recall YHWH ever talking directly with just Double-A.

Anyway, He says that Aaron and his father's gang "shall bear the iniquity of the sanctuary," and he and his sons "shall bear the iniquity of your priesthood." So, they'll take the blame for any sins against (or in?) the sanctuary, or committed by the priests. Priests committing sins? Not very likely.

There's a lot of old news about the role of the other Levites and the priestly ones among them, the Aaronids, such as who's allowed in what parts of the tabernacle (lest they die), whom God gave to Aaron as a gift, and who gets to chow down on the sacrificial meat from the meagre flocks of the poor suckers that God is stranding in the wilderness to rot for 40 years.

Though the Levites don't get an inheritance per se, at least no land, they get an awesome royalty stream. "Every thing devoted in Israel shall be thine. Every thing that openeth the matrix in all flesh, which they bring unto the LORD, whether it be of men or beasts, shall be thine: nevertheless the firstborn of man shalt thou surely redeem, and the firstling of unclean beasts shalt thou redeem."

So, they even get the firstborn humans, though they must allow the old buyback "redemption" program. That's firstborn males, though, isn't it? Girls sometimes "open the matrix," no? But so far I'm under the impression that they won't do as proper gifts to God and Aaron.

Oh, and the Levites get the tithes, which are part of the overall pile of fauna and flora (often specifically the first and best stuff) that the Israelites are to bring to the tabernacle, presumably to give thanks for the Lord's mercy in dragging them into nowheresville, where nearly the entire first generation will die — frequently directly at YHWH's hand, via plagues and fire.

It is surprising that this kind of lifestyle is praised by conservatives. Yes, it's pleasingly authoritarian and militaristic, but what rightwinger advocates all-powerful governance, unfulfilled promises of an "ownership society," and punitive taxes? I suppose if the tax burden stopped with the 10% rate, it wouldn't be too offensive to the Steve Forbeses of the world, but all those other offerings add up, no?

Perhaps the promises of real-estate stolen though genocide will come true, and it will be a happy, moral ending. Maybe in another book-a-half of the Pentateuch we'll find out...?

Slow pace vobiscum

Once again, my apologies for slow productivity here.

I'll do my best to get Numbers 18 up this weekend, but odds are I'm going to be keeping a slower pace here in upcoming months. I do hope your faith in this endeavor remains strong, as we, to quote Mark Vonnegut, "help each other get through this thing, whatever it is."

Numbers 17

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and take of every one of them a rod according to the house of their fathers, of all their princes according to the house of their fathers twelve rods: write thou every man's name upon his rod.

3 And thou shalt write Aaron's name upon the rod of Levi: for one rod shall be for the head of the house of their fathers.

4 And thou shalt lay them up in the tabernacle of the congregation before the testimony, where I will meet with you.

5 And it shall come to pass, that the man's rod, whom I shall choose, shall blossom: and I will make to cease from me the murmurings of the children of Israel, whereby they murmur against you.

6 And Moses spake unto the children of Israel, and every one of their princes gave him a rod apiece, for each prince one, according to their fathers' houses, even twelve rods: and the rod of Aaron was among their rods.

7 And Moses laid up the rods before the LORD in the tabernacle of witness.

8 And it came to pass, that on the morrow Moses went into the tabernacle of witness; and, behold, the rod of Aaron for the house of Levi was budded, and brought forth buds, and bloomed blossoms, and yielded almonds.

9 And Moses brought out all the rods from before the LORD unto all the children of Israel: and they looked, and took every man his rod.

10 And the LORD said unto Moses, Bring Aaron's rod again before the testimony, to be kept for a token against the rebels; and thou shalt quite take away their murmurings from me, that they die not.

11 And Moses did so: as the LORD commanded him, so did he.

12 And the children of Israel spake unto Moses, saying, Behold, we die, we perish, we all perish.

13 Whosoever cometh any thing near unto the tabernacle of the LORD shall die: shall we be consumed with dying?

Oh, good: a quick one after I was away.

Not though, as I was hoping, the inspiration for the Hitchcock film. But that wasn't one of The Master's better efforts, anyway.

#1: YHWH tells Moses...

#2: Get a dozen sticks from the Israelites, one for each of the twelve houses, and each labeled with the name of the head of the family.

#3: "Write Aaron's name upon the rod of Levi." (I guess Moe hadn't distinguished himself enough to earn that honor. Slacker!).

#4: "And thou shalt lay them up in the tabernacle of the congregation before the testimony, where I will meet with you."

#5: I will choose one of the rods to blossom (Calling Dr. Freud!). And this will keep the Israelites from bitching about you. (Does this make any sense? Forget it, he's rolling).

#6: Aaron and the eleven princes hand their rods to Moses. (Hey-o! And cancel that call. Sometimes twelve guys handing you their rods is just twelve guys handing you their rods.)

#7: Moses "laid up the rods before the LORD in the tabernacle."

#8: "The rod of Aaron for the house of Levi was budded, and brought forth buds, and bloomed blossoms, and yielded almonds." (If your rod buds for more than four hours, seek immediate medical attention. Unless you need the almonds.)

#9: Moses returned the nutless sticks to their owners.

#10: Yaweh told Moses to "bring Aaron's rod again before the testimony, to be kept for a token against the rebels," which should keep them from murmuring against me and they won't die. (Interesting how this shifts between who is the target of the murmurs, Moses or the Boss Man. And God conveniently says that the grumblers would die, rather than admitting that He would — lovingly and morally, of course — burn or bury them alive, as opposed to them meeting with, like, an accident.)

#11: Moses did as he was commanded.

#12: The Israelites said to to Moses, "Behold, we die, we perish, we all perish." (I hope that doesn't count as murmuring.)

#13: "Whosoever cometh any thing near unto the tabernacle of the LORD shall die: shall we be consumed with dying?" (Seems to me, they have nothing to fear but fear itself. And an insane, vengeful, self-centered, all-powerful being. That, too.)

Numbers 16

1 Now Korah, the son of Izhar, the son of Kohath, the son of Levi, and Dathan and Abiram, the sons of Eliab, and On, the son of Peleth, sons of Reuben, took men:

2 And they rose up before Moses, with certain of the children of Israel, two hundred and fifty princes of the assembly, famous in the congregation, men of renown:

3 And they gathered themselves together against Moses and against Aaron, and said unto them, Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD?

4 And when Moses heard it, he fell upon his face:

5 And he spake unto Korah and unto all his company, saying, Even to morrow the LORD will shew who are his, and who is holy; and will cause him to come near unto him: even him whom he hath chosen will he cause to come near unto him.

6 This do; Take you censers, Korah, and all his company;

7 And put fire therein, and put incense in them before the LORD to morrow: and it shall be that the man whom the LORD doth choose, he shall be holy: ye take too much upon you, ye sons of Levi.

8 And Moses said unto Korah, Hear, I pray you, ye sons of Levi:

9 Seemeth it but a small thing unto you, that the God of Israel hath separated you from the congregation of Israel, to bring you near to himself to do the service of the tabernacle of the LORD, and to stand before the congregation to minister unto them?

10 And he hath brought thee near to him, and all thy brethren the sons of Levi with thee: and seek ye the priesthood also?

11 For which cause both thou and all thy company are gathered together against the LORD: and what is Aaron, that ye murmur against him?

12 And Moses sent to call Dathan and Abiram, the sons of Eliab: which said, We will not come up:

13 Is it a small thing that thou hast brought us up out of a land that floweth with milk and honey, to kill us in the wilderness, except thou make thyself altogether a prince over us?

14 Moreover thou hast not brought us into a land that floweth with milk and honey, or given us inheritance of fields and vineyards: wilt thou put out the eyes of these men? we will not come up.

15 And Moses was very wroth, and said unto the LORD, Respect not thou their offering: I have not taken one ass from them, neither have I hurt one of them.

16 And Moses said unto Korah, Be thou and all thy company before the LORD, thou, and they, and Aaron, to morrow:

17 And take every man his censer, and put incense in them, and bring ye before the LORD every man his censer, two hundred and fifty censers; thou also, and Aaron, each of you his censer.

18 And they took every man his censer, and put fire in them, and laid incense thereon, and stood in the door of the tabernacle of the congregation with Moses and Aaron.

19 And Korah gathered all the congregation against them unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation: and the glory of the LORD appeared unto all the congregation.

20 And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying,

21 Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment.

22 And they fell upon their faces, and said, O God, the God of the spirits of all flesh, shall one man sin, and wilt thou be wroth with all the congregation?

23 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

24 Speak unto the congregation, saying, Get you up from about the tabernacle of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram.

25 And Moses rose up and went unto Dathan and Abiram; and the elders of Israel followed him.

26 And he spake unto the congregation, saying, Depart, I pray you, from the tents of these wicked men, and touch nothing of their's, lest ye be consumed in all their sins.

27 So they gat up from the tabernacle of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram, on every side: and Dathan and Abiram came out, and stood in the door of their tents, and their wives, and their sons, and their little children.

28 And Moses said, Hereby ye shall know that the LORD hath sent me to do all these works; for I have not done them of mine own mind.

29 If these men die the common death of all men, or if they be visited after the visitation of all men; then the LORD hath not sent me.

30 But if the LORD make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD.

31 And it came to pass, as he had made an end of speaking all these words, that the ground clave asunder that was under them:

32 And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses, and all the men that appertained unto Korah, and all their goods.

33 They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation.

34 And all Israel that were round about them fled at the cry of them: for they said, Lest the earth swallow us up also.

35 And there came out a fire from the LORD, and consumed the two hundred and fifty men that offered incense.

36 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

37 Speak unto Eleazar the son of Aaron the priest, that he take up the censers out of the burning, and scatter thou the fire yonder; for they are hallowed.

38 The censers of these sinners against their own souls, let them make them broad plates for a covering of the altar: for they offered them before the LORD, therefore they are hallowed: and they shall be a sign unto the children of Israel.

39 And Eleazar the priest took the brasen censers, wherewith they that were burnt had offered; and they were made broad plates for a covering of the altar:

40 To be a memorial unto the children of Israel, that no stranger, which is not of the seed of Aaron, come near to offer incense before the LORD; that he be not as Korah, and as his company: as the LORD said to him by the hand of Moses.

41 But on the morrow all the congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD.

42 And it came to pass, when the congregation was gathered against Moses and against Aaron, that they looked toward the tabernacle of the congregation: and, behold, the cloud covered it, and the glory of the LORD appeared.

43 And Moses and Aaron came before the tabernacle of the congregation.

44 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

45 Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment. And they fell upon their faces.

46 And Moses said unto Aaron, Take a censer, and put fire therein from off the altar, and put on incense, and go quickly unto the congregation, and make an atonement for them: for there is wrath gone out from the LORD; the plague is begun.

47 And Aaron took as Moses commanded, and ran into the midst of the congregation; and, behold, the plague was begun among the people: and he put on incense, and made an atonement for the people.

48 And he stood between the dead and the living; and the plague was stayed.

49 Now they that died in the plague were fourteen thousand and seven hundred, beside them that died about the matter of Korah.

50 And Aaron returned unto Moses unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation: and the plague was stayed.

#1: Korah (not that Korah) "took men" (not that there's anything wrong with that).

#2: 250 big-deal Israelite princes in all "rose up before Moses..."

#3: And they antagonistically told Moe and Aaron that they'd become too high falutin', asking why they placed themselves above the others in the congregation.

#4: "And when Moses heard it, he fell upon his face..."

#5: And he told Korah and his princely gang that tomorrow the Lord will separate the Holy from the ordinary, by making the holy ones come near him. (Not sure how Moe knows this holy-off will happen. Does YHWH now communicate with him telepathically? Or is Moe wearing a headset, like a quarterback or a Gap clerk?)

#6: Gentlemen, bring your incense burners, Moe says... (What could possibly go wrong?)

#7: And fire 'em up in front of God tomorrow. You're the ones who are over-reaching (history's first citation of "I know you are, but what am I?"), he tells them, reminding them that the One True Superdelegate will pick the holiest.

#8: Moses tells Korah and the Levites to listen up.

#9: Maybe it's a small thing to you, he says, that God made you temple crew...

#10: But now you want to be priests, too?

#11: Why you wanna dis the Lord and my bro?

#12: Moses called Dathan and Abiram, but they refused to come on down.

#13: Is it a small thing, they replied, that you took us from Milk-and-Honeyland, "to kill us in the wilderness," and on top of that, you're bossing us around?

#14: Also, they add, you haven't delivered on that promised-land inheritance. Are you going to blind these guys (perhaps "are you pulling the wool over their eyes")? We're not coming over to you.

#15: Moses was pissed, and he tells the Lord "Respect not thou their offering: I have not taken one ass from them, neither have I hurt one of them."

#16: Be there tomorrow, Moe tells Korah, along with your gang, and Aaron, too.

#17: And bring those censers, all 250, and some incense.

#18: They brought 'em, lit 'em up, "and stood in the door of the tabernacle of the congregation with Moses and Aaron." (Can you imagine the smell of 250 pieces of burning incense? Gag me!)

#19: Korah ganged up his anti-Moses/anti-Aaron group by the door, and "the glory of the LORD appeared unto all the congregation."

#20: God told Moe and Double-A...

#21: Stand apart from "this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment." (This, I take it, is not good news for the congregation).

#22: The consumables fell on their faces, saying " O God, the God of the spirits of all flesh," will you punish the whole congregation for one man's sin? (which seems like an odd line of argument, given that the whole group is in on this insubordination).

#23: YHWH tells Moses...

#24: To tell the congregation, "Get you up from about the tabernacle of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram." (This is a little confusing, but I gather He's telling the Israelite bystanders to stay clear of Korah, Dathan's, and Abiram's tents, because some serious shit is about to happen).

#25: Moses approached Dathan and Abiram, "and the elders of Israel followed him." (Love the dramatic effect. Moses is stooping to conquer. He walks over to the scofflaws who wouldn't come over to him, but if they think they're winning this round of gamesmanship, they've got another thing coming, doncha think?)

#26: Moses tells the whole congregation, to stay away from the mutineers' tents and from all their stuff. These. Guys. Are. So. Fucked.

#27: Everyone came out of Korah's, Dathan's, and Abiram's tents. "Dathan and Abiram came out, and stood in the door of their tents, and their wives, and their sons, and their little children."

#28: Moses claims that this will show that he's not to be responsible for what's going to happen. (But doesn't it seem like he prodded Yahweh to get involved?)

#29: If these guys die like most people do, then I'm not on a mission from God.

#30: "But if the LORD make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD." (OK, this is getting serious bad-ass).

#31: And just as he said it, the ground opened up under the whiners.

#32: "And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses, and all the men that appertained unto Korah, and all their goods." (Not sure which men "appertained unto Korah. At first, I thought it meant the 250 complainers, but apparently not. His slaves, I reckon... it's a blessed thing that they're punished for their master's unfaithfulness to the Good Lord).

#33: They and all their stuff "went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation." (Serves 'em right, doesn't it, for complaining about being dragged into the wilderness and being condemned to die there in frustration, after having been promised a plush birthright? Being buried alive is too good for these fuckers. Just shows you how merciful our Loving Creator is. Note that some translations have them descending into Sheol, apparently a more-or-less hellish pit)

#34: All the Israelites on the scene fled, crying, fearing they would be swallowed up , too.

#35: "And there came out a fire from the LORD, and consumed the two hundred and fifty men that offered incense." (OK, now all the complainers have met their just deserts. A lot of killing, but that's that. Let's move along folks, nothing to be troubled about.)

#36: And God told Moses...

#37: To talk to Aaron's son, Eleazar, and to tell him to collect the dead men's 250 censers from the fire, "for they are hallowed." (Is there a better way to sanctify something than to burn its previous owner — a prince, no less — to death, and then steal it?)

#38: Make plates, for covering the altar, out of these sinners' censers. "They shall be a sign unto the children of Israel." (Yes, I would think they should be.)

#39: "And Eleazar the priest took the brasen censers, wherewith they that were burnt had offered; and they were made broad plates for a covering of the altar." (Could this be the origin of the word "brazen"?)

#40: To commemorate that no strangers, no one who isn't an Aaronite, should "offer incense before the LORD." (Fat lot of good it did Aaron's charbroiled sons to be in his family line.)

#41: The next day, the Israelites "murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD." (What part of "I'm a murderous, petty, all-powerful madman" don't they understand?)

#42: The congregation gathered against Moses, and the cloud appeared, along with "God's glory."

#43: Moses and Aaron stood in front of the tabernacle.

#44: And the Almighty told Moses...

#45: "Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment. And they fell upon their faces." (At that point, I probably would fall on my face. Or exit, stage left!)

#46: And Moses told Aaron, "Take a censer, and put fire therein from off the altar, and put on incense, and go quickly unto the congregation, and make an atonement for them: for there is wrath gone out from the LORD; the plague is begun." (At this point, I might think twice about burning incense, especially if I were Aaron.)

#47: Aaron did as Moses told him, and he stood amidst the people, "and he put on incense, and made an atonement for the people."

#48: He "he stood between the dead and the living; and the plague was stayed." (Not sure how God felt about this intervention).

#49: "Now they that died in the plague were fourteen thousand and seven hundred, beside them that died about the matter of Korah." (So, about 15 times as many people died in this incident as in Jonestown, and nearly 400 times as many in the Heaven's Gate cult suicide. But this wasn't sick or freaky, mind you.)

#50: Aaron rejoined Moses at the front of the tabernacle, and the Good Lord's holy plague had been stopped.

Atheist resurrection

Sorry for the break in the action. Should be back posting again tomorrow.

Update: Oops, Numbers 16's a fairly long one. By Saturday definitely, God as my witness.