Numbers 21

1 And when king Arad the Canaanite, which dwelt in the south, heard tell that Israel came by the way of the spies; then he fought against Israel, and took some of them prisoners.

2 And Israel vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou wilt indeed deliver this people into my hand, then I will utterly destroy their cities.

3 And the LORD hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and their cities: and he called the name of the place Hormah.

4 And they journeyed from mount Hor by the way of the Red sea, to compass the land of Edom: and the soul of the people was much discouraged because of the way.

5 And the people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread.

6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.

7 Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD, and against thee; pray unto the LORD, that he take away the serpents from us. And Moses prayed for the people.

8 And the LORD said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live.

9 And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived.

10 And the children of Israel set forward, and pitched in Oboth.

11 And they journeyed from Oboth, and pitched at Ijeabarim, in the wilderness which is before Moab, toward the sunrising.

12 From thence they removed, and pitched in the valley of Zared.

13 From thence they removed, and pitched on the other side of Arnon, which is in the wilderness that cometh out of the coasts of the Amorites: for Arnon is the border of Moab, between Moab and the Amorites.

14 Wherefore it is said in the book of the wars of the LORD, What he did in the Red sea, and in the brooks of Arnon,

15 And at the stream of the brooks that goeth down to the dwelling of Ar, and lieth upon the border of Moab.

16 And from thence they went to Beer: that is the well whereof the LORD spake unto Moses, Gather the people together, and I will give them water.

17 Then Israel sang this song, Spring up, O well; sing ye unto it:

18 The princes digged the well, the nobles of the people digged it, by the direction of the lawgiver, with their staves. And from the wilderness they went to Mattanah:

19 And from Mattanah to Nahaliel: and from Nahaliel to Bamoth:

20 And from Bamoth in the valley, that is in the country of Moab, to the top of Pisgah, which looketh toward Jeshimon.

21 And Israel sent messengers unto Sihon king of the Amorites, saying,

22 Let me pass through thy land: we will not turn into the fields, or into the vineyards; we will not drink of the waters of the well: but we will go along by the king's high way, until we be past thy borders.

23 And Sihon would not suffer Israel to pass through his border: but Sihon gathered all his people together, and went out against Israel into the wilderness: and he came to Jahaz, and fought against Israel.

24 And Israel smote him with the edge of the sword, and possessed his land from Arnon unto Jabbok, even unto the children of Ammon: for the border of the children of Ammon was strong.

25 And Israel took all these cities: and Israel dwelt in all the cities of the Amorites, in Heshbon, and in all the villages thereof.

26 For Heshbon was the city of Sihon the king of the Amorites, who had fought against the former king of Moab, and taken all his land out of his hand, even unto Arnon.

27 Wherefore they that speak in proverbs say, Come into Heshbon, let the city of Sihon be built and prepared:

28 For there is a fire gone out of Heshbon, a flame from the city of Sihon: it hath consumed Ar of Moab, and the lords of the high places of Arnon.

29 Woe to thee, Moab! thou art undone, O people of Chemosh: he hath given his sons that escaped, and his daughters, into captivity unto Sihon king of the Amorites.

30 We have shot at them; Heshbon is perished even unto Dibon, and we have laid them waste even unto Nophah, which reacheth unto Medeba.

31 Thus Israel dwelt in the land of the Amorites.

32 And Moses sent to spy out Jaazer, and they took the villages thereof, and drove out the Amorites that were there.

33 And they turned and went up by the way of Bashan: and Og the king of Bashan went out against them, he, and all his people, to the battle at Edrei.

34 And the LORD said unto Moses, Fear him not: for I have delivered him into thy hand, and all his people, and his land; and thou shalt do to him as thou didst unto Sihon king of the Amorites, which dwelt at Heshbon.

35 So they smote him, and his sons, and all his people, until there was none left him alive: and they possessed his land.

#1: Canaanite king Arad (that's a little vague, but apparently he's the king of Arad, not of all Canaan) heard that Israel had sent spies." He takes some of the spies as prisoners.

#2: "And Israel vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou wilt indeed deliver this people into my hand, then I will utterly destroy their cities." (This is a lovely prayer: God, because some of our spies were caught mid-invasion, bring us their captors' entire population, so we may kill them all.)

#3: YHWH has no problem with this request. He "delivered up the Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and their cities," which he promptly renamed "Hormah."

#4: The Israelites become "much discouraged" because of the arduous route they had to take "by way of the Red sea," in order to bypass Edom.

#5: The people again complain about being stuck in this wilderness with shitty "light bread" and no water.

#6: "And the LORD sent fiery serpents (cool!) among the people, and they bit the people (Bit them? That seems kind of lame, considering they're fiery serpents.); and much people of Israel died." (Now, hold the phone here a second. When people belly-ached about needing help slaughtering citiesful of people, God stands and delivers in an instant. When they complain about needing water because he stranded them in a desert, he sics horrible creatures upon them. What kind of message does this send?)

#7: The Israelites, all repentant-like (about wanting some water, not about committing the slaughter), went to Moses. At their behest, Moe prayed to Yahweh in hopes he'd make like St. Patrick and clear up the snake problem.

#8: God tells Moses to "make... a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole." (How to you make a fiery serpent? First, get a serpent and some lighter fluid....) The people will still get bitten, but they'll live. (How about just getting rid of the fucking fire monsters? I suppose that "fiery" might just mean poisonous. A fiery snake would be ridiculous. Unlike a talking one.)

#9: Moses made a brass serpent (I thought he was going to have to make a real one, not that all this desert-roadshow metallurgy isn't impressive in its own right), and stuck it on a pole. After that, serpent bites were no longer fatal. (Sounds like maybe the original of the medical symbol. But that one has two snakes. Maybe one represents disease, and the other represents the health-insurance lobby.)

#10 - 13: They traveled from place to place.

#14 - 15: The "book of the wars of the LORD" (I'll bet that's one big-ass tome) describes, "what he did in the Red sea" (other translations describe this rather differently), and then traveling here and there, including around some streams near "the dwelling of Ar," whoever that is.

#16: "And from thence they went to Beer" (at this point, could you blame them?) "that is the well whereof the LORD spake unto Moses, Gather the people together, and I will give them water." (What's that, you're at a well of Beer, and you're talking with God? You don't say!)

#17: "Then Israel sang this song, Spring up, O well; sing ye unto it" (this was during the Peter Green era).

#18 -20: "The princes digged the well, the nobles of the people digged it, by the direction of the lawgiver, with their staves" (well, that's egalitarian!). Then they started schlepping again.

#21-22: "Israel sent messengers unto Sihon king of the Amorites," trying to get a right of passage like they did (unsuccesfully) for Edom.

#23: Sihon refused... and then sent his people "against Israel into the wilderness and he came to Jahaz, and fought against Israel."

#24: "Israel smote him with the edge of the sword," and took his land, all the way up to the border held by "the children of Ammon."

#25: Israelites moved into the cities they took from the Amorites, including Heshbon and its villlages. (Yay! They got to kill a lot of people and take their land. Hooray! So, now they're done wandering in the desert, right? No, really, are we done?)

#26: "Heshbon was the city of Sihon the king of the Amorites, who had fought against the former king of Moab, and taken all his land out of his hand," all the way to Arnon.

#27 - 28: A proverb is cited — "Come into Heshbon, let the city of Sihon be built and prepared..." (what the heck kind of proverb is this?) because there's "fire gone out of Heshbon...." (I think that means a fire emanated from there, not that it was extinguished). The proverb goes on to describe the path of the flame, which went through Sihon and it burned up "Ar of Moab, and the lords of the high places of Arnon." (Ar, we hardly knew ye! In any case, do make sure you tell your children this memorable and uplifting proverb.)

#29 - 30: The proverb descends into trash talk, telling the people of Chemosh that Moab is fucked, his sons had to flee, his daughters are now captives, and others have been "shot at" and such.

#31: "Thus Israel dwelt in the land of the Amorites." (Apparently, just going to a Realtor wasn't an option.)

#32: Moses sent our more spies, and they displaced more Amorites. (You think maybe King Arad had a point when he arrested those spies?)

#33: "And they turned and went up by the way of Bashan: and Og the king of Bashan went out against them, he, and all his people, to the battle at Edrei."

#34: YHWH tells Moses, "Fear him not: for I have delivered him into thy hand, and all his people, and his land; and thou shalt do to him as thou didst unto Sihon king of the Amorites, which dwelt at Heshbon." (Hooray for goodness! God is serving up more people to massacre and take their land from!)

#35: "So they smote him, and his sons, and all his people, until there was none left him alive: and they possessed his land." (Don't you love a happy ending?)

Numbers 20

1 Then came the children of Israel, even the whole congregation, into the desert of Zin in the first month: and the people abode in Kadesh; and Miriam died there, and was buried there.

2 And there was no water for the congregation: and they gathered themselves together against Moses and against Aaron.

3 And the people chode with Moses, and spake, saying, Would God that we had died when our brethren died before the LORD!

4 And why have ye brought up the congregation of the LORD into this wilderness, that we and our cattle should die there?

5 And wherefore have ye made us to come up out of Egypt, to bring us in unto this evil place? it is no place of seed, or of figs, or of vines, or of pomegranates; neither is there any water to drink.

6 And Moses and Aaron went from the presence of the assembly unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and they fell upon their faces: and the glory of the LORD appeared unto them.

7 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

8 Take the rod, and gather thou the assembly together, thou, and Aaron thy brother, and speak ye unto the rock before their eyes; and it shall give forth his water, and thou shalt bring forth to them water out of the rock: so thou shalt give the congregation and their beasts drink.

9 And Moses took the rod from before the LORD, as he commanded him.

10 And Moses and Aaron gathered the congregation together before the rock, and he said unto them, Hear now, ye rebels; must we fetch you water out of this rock?

11 And Moses lifted up his hand, and with his rod he smote the rock twice: and the water came out abundantly, and the congregation drank, and their beasts also.

12 And the LORD spake unto Moses and Aaron, Because ye believed me not, to sanctify me in the eyes of the children of Israel, therefore ye shall not bring this congregation into the land which I have given them.

13 This is the water of Meribah; because the children of Israel strove with the LORD, and he was sanctified in them.

14 And Moses sent messengers from Kadesh unto the king of Edom, Thus saith thy brother Israel, Thou knowest all the travail that hath befallen us:

15 How our fathers went down into Egypt, and we have dwelt in Egypt a long time; and the Egyptians vexed us, and our fathers:

16 And when we cried unto the LORD, he heard our voice, and sent an angel, and hath brought us forth out of Egypt: and, behold, we are in Kadesh, a city in the uttermost of thy border:

17 Let us pass, I pray thee, through thy country: we will not pass through the fields, or through the vineyards, neither will we drink of the water of the wells: we will go by the king's high way, we will not turn to the right hand nor to the left, until we have passed thy borders.

18 And Edom said unto him, Thou shalt not pass by me, lest I come out against thee with the sword.

19 And the children of Israel said unto him, We will go by the high way: and if I and my cattle drink of thy water, then I will pay for it: I will only, without doing anything else, go through on my feet.

20 And he said, Thou shalt not go through. And Edom came out against him with much people, and with a strong hand.

21 Thus Edom refused to give Israel passage through his border: wherefore Israel turned away from him.

22 And the children of Israel, even the whole congregation, journeyed from Kadesh, and came unto mount Hor.

23 And the LORD spake unto Moses and Aaron in mount Hor, by the coast of the land of Edom, saying,

24 Aaron shall be gathered unto his people: for he shall not enter into the land which I have given unto the children of Israel, because ye rebelled against my word at the water of Meribah.

25 Take Aaron and Eleazar his son, and bring them up unto mount Hor:

26 And strip Aaron of his garments, and put them upon Eleazar his son: and Aaron shall be gathered unto his people, and shall die there.

27 And Moses did as the LORD commanded: and they went up into mount Hor in the sight of all the congregation.

28 And Moses stripped Aaron of his garments, and put them upon Eleazar his son; and Aaron died there in the top of the mount: and Moses and Eleazar came down from the mount.

29 And when all the congregation saw that Aaron was dead, they mourned for Aaron thirty days, even all the house of Israel.

#1: The Israelites came to the desert of Zin and lived in Kadesh. Miriam (Moe and Double-A's sister) died and was buried there.

#2: There was no water, and whiners that they are, the congregation "gathered themselves together against Moses and against Aaron."

#3: The people chided Moses (actually, it says they "chode" Moses, but that kind of language could really taint this thing), saying they wish God had killed them when he was lovingly murdering their brethren.

#4: Why, they ask, did you bring us godly folks into the wilderness, where we and our cattle are gonna die? (Who do they think they are, Helen Thomas?)

#5: Why, they ask, did you make us leave Egypt "to bring us in unto this evil place," this infertile land bereft of figs, vines, and pomegranates. And water, that, too. (Complain, complain, complain!)

#6: Moses and Aaron "fell upon their faces" at the tabernacle door, "and the glory of the LORD appeared unto them."

#7: YHWH told Moses...

#8: "Take the rod," and while Aaron and the whole assembly looks on, talk to the rock. It "shall give forth his water," so the people and the animals can drink. (Who knew that desert rocks were full of water? Ah, the power of sticks and stones!)

#9: "And Moses took the rod from before the LORD, as he commanded him." (Is this the rod he used in Exodus or a new God rod?)

#10: He took 'em over to the rock and said "Hear now, ye rebels; must we fetch you water out of this rock?" (Apparently, going without drinking water was a viable option.)

#11: Moses banged his rod against the rock twice. A ton of water came out, and the people and their beasts drank.

#12 : YHWH said to Moses and Aaron that because they didn't believe Him, they won't get to escort the congregation to the Promised Land. (Hmm, it seems that all they did was "fall on their faces." Did that annoy the Lord during his nappy time or something, alerting him to the fact that his chosen people were parched with thirst in the desert he waylaid them in? A tough crowd, God is.)

#13: "This is the water of Meribah; because the children of Israel strove with the LORD, and he was sanctified in them." (Yet another location name-origin story).

#14: Moses sent messengers to the king of Edom, saying that you know all the trouble your "brother Israel" is facing... (Edom is the nation of Esau, the brother whom Jacob/Israel cheated out of his birthright).

#15: Moe figures that the King o' Edom must know how the Israelites' fathers had a tough time in Egypt...

#16: "And when we cried unto the LORD, he heard our voice, and sent an angel, and hath brought us forth out of Egypt: and, behold, we are in Kadesh, a city in the uttermost of thy border." (Hmm. The very behavior, crying about their problems, that has sent YHWH into endless murderous hissy fits is what got them this attention to begin with. At this point, though, it's seeming like "chosen people" might be an unexpectedly ominous double-entrendre like "To Serve Man.")

#17: Moses asks the King to let the Israelites cross through Edom, saying "we will not pass through the fields, or through the vineyards, neither will we drink of the water of the wells: we will go by the king's high way, we will not turn to the right hand nor to the left, until we have passed thy borders."

#18: Edom (I'm assuming they're calling Edom's current king "Edom," and the original Esau/Edom is long-since dead, but it's hard to know in a book where some people live several hundred years) said he'd come at them with a sword if they tried.

#19: "And the children of Israel..." (just the messengers, or did they all use a speaker phone?) reiterated their plan to use the highway and said they and their cattle might drink some of their water but would pay for it. They'll just walk through, and that's that. (Is requesting additional accommodations a good way of "getting to yes"? Also this section frequently switches between "us" and "I." I'm not sure if "I" means Moses, as represented by his proxies, or if it means "any of us.").

#20: Edom says no dice, and "Edom came out against him (Moses?) with much people, and with a strong hand."

#21: Edom having refused to give them access, "Israel turned away from him." (Literally, the Israelites take a different route, but ever since Jacob finagled the birthright away from [slightly] older bro Esau/Edom, Israel has "turned away" from him/them in another sense, though Jacob did try to give him a consolation gift, which he graciously refused. Since then, the only reference we've encountered is that Edom is "amazed," and not in a good way, along with other peoples whom God is screwing on the Israelites' behalf.)

#22: The Israelites left Kadesh and, er, "came unto mount Hor." (You can't make this stuff up, folks.)

#23: YHWH spoke to Moses and Aaron "in mount Hor, by the coast of the land of Edom, saying..."

#24: "Aaron shall be gathered unto his people (apparently "gathered" means buried): for he shall not enter into the land which I have given unto the children of Israel, because ye rebelled against my word at the water of Meribah." (Wow, in some subtle way, Aaron expressed his concern that the Israelites whom God dragged into the desert were dying of thirst. The great and merciful Lord who torched two of his kids for lighting unauthorized incense summarily now condemns his personal Ari Fleischer to die).

#25: "Take Aaron and Eleazar his son, and bring them up unto mount Hor:" (hey-o!)

#26 "And strip Aaron of his garments (hey-o!), and put them upon Eleazar his son: and Aaron shall be gathered unto his people, and shall die there."

#27: "And Moses did as the LORD commanded (not a peep... certainly not his brother's keeper): and they went up into mount Hor in the sight of all the congregation."

#28: "And Moses stripped Aaron of his garments (hey, what happens in Hor stays in Hor), and put them upon Eleazar his son; and Aaron died there in the top of the mount: and Moses and Eleazar came down from the mount."

#29: "And when all the congregation saw that Aaron was dead, they mourned for Aaron thirty days..."

Yet another S&M lesson, like when Yahweh made Abraham debase himself to the ultimate extreme rather than protest the most loathsome of directives.

The people speak up about their dire thirst. God gives them what they need. And then He goes a-killin'.

YHWH wants us to suffer in silence. If we're deprived of even the most fundamental of Maslow's needs (like, say, poultry), we must be patient until God ponies up with the goods. If we doubt or complain, He'll give us what we ask for... and then heads roll.

So, it's true, isn't it? God is a Republican. He wants those in need to shut up (or else!), until good fortune trickles down upon them.

The Christian Scientists have it right, it seems. If our children have cancer, we shouldn't do anything about it. At the last minute, all will be well.

Impatient boys sometimes miss milk and honey!