Bible Study for Atheists

Interview with "Good Book" author and Slate.com editor, David Plotz

2009-03-25T14:06:00.012-05:00

Vastleft: David, thanks for making the time for this chat, which will be posted on Correntewire.com and Bible Study for Atheists.

David Plotz: I'm glad to be here. Fire away.

VL: Shortly after I began BS4A, I heard about your Bible-blogging at Slate, which had started a couple of months earlier.

At the time, I was avoiding outside influences — playing the Bible as it lays.

However, with my Bible blog on hiatus, I decided to make myself “impure” by reading your newly published Good Book, your take on the Hebrew Bible. (Second-edition jacket-blurb opportunity: “I made myself impure for this book.” — Vastleft)

The Bible is often held up as the ultimate guide to, and font of, morality. How do you think it stacks up in that regard?

DP: It depends how you define the Bible. If you say the Bible is entirety of the book, then it does not stack up very well, because there are all kinds of appalling laws, immoral heroes, and divine cruelties. That said, everyone makes their own bible. Every group that uses the Bible as its home scripture emphasizes some parts and deemphasizes others, and if you cherrypick the Bible, you can find marvelous moral principles (see the middle of Leviticus 19, for example). So it depends on whether you think you're allowed to pick and choose, or whether you have to take the whole book.

VL: Were you thinking much about Bible literalists as you read the Old Testament? Didn’t the many unsavory and inconsistent aspects of the book make the literalists scarier than you might have found them to begin with?

DP: It's hard for me, as a Jew, to take Biblical literalists too seriously. Judaism does not have the same fixation on Biblical inerrancy that American Christianity does. There are a few ultraorthodox who are literalists, but Judaism as a whole doesn't take that debate too seriously. That said, it's hard to see how any person taught an iota of science or history can remain a Biblical literalist. The Bible is so full of contradiction and chockablock with impossible events that it requires more than just faith, but a kind of willful divorce from the world, to accept the literal truth of the Bible.

Do I think Biblical literalists are a threat? Not really. But I think the antiscientism they represent is a huge problem in a nation that hopes to compete technologically. So the problem is not the beliefs in the Flood or the Garden of Eden, but the anti-rationality of those beliefs, and how it pervades other aspects of life.

VL: As I mentioned when we first spoke, my atheism used to be a rather private affair, until religion began becoming an increasing force in American public life. That put me on high alert re: the general acceptance of religion as a virtual synonym for morality (remember those hyped "moral values" exit polls?), since it serves to over-empower fundamentalists. Are you fazed by such developments, either on general principles or perhaps by the primacy it gives prominent Christians over members of minority sects (not that that's a strictly new phenomenon)?

DP: At different times I have been more and less fazed by that. During the early Bush years, I was deeply disturbed by it. (My wife, in fact, wrote a book, God's Harvard, that examined some of the implications of that.) Maybe I am gullible, but I think that conflation of religion and morality has subsided significantly in the past couple years. The combination of the Bush disaster, the reinvigoration of the progressive left, the rise of Obama, the economic crisis, and the success of left-wing churches have all undermined the notion that religion and morality (specifically a socially conservative morality) are the same. I think the conservative religious movement that championed that notion has crested, and is receding.

VL: Obama, though, was quite active in promoting his religious cred. Some chalked this up to a defense against "the Muslim smear," but all told there was quite a lot of religion in his campaign.

DP: He did, and he's not shy about invoking religious language and bringing in both the Rick Warren and Jim Wallises. But I don't think there is the same presumption with Obama and his people that religion and decency are the same.

VL: I guess as a skeptic, "presumption" doesn't sit all that well with me. [See note.] Anyway.... Unlike my skeptical starting point, you kicked off your Bible blog by stating “I have always been a proud Jew, but never a terribly observant one.”

In your book’s conclusion (as well as in some interviews, so I don’t think the Spoiler God will strike me down), you acknowledge that your opinion of God changed for the worse in the course of reading the Bible.

I didn’t get the sense, though, that your opinion of religion (yours or Judeo-Christian religious practices in general) was shaken. Is that a correct reading?

DP: I suspect I am trying to have it both ways. I was really disturbed by God, as I wrote, and you can't be really disturbed by God without calling into question a faith built around belief and trust in God. But Judaism, more than Christianity, I suspect, builds in room for the kind of doubt and anger I have about God. There is an honorable tradition in Judaism of Jews arguing and disputing and being contentious rather than obedient. So I try to slot myself in there.

But I should also say that I am not much of a Jewish practitioner anymore. We often do Shabbat dinners, we do Seders, I send my kids to Hebrew school, I go to synagogue on the high holidays. Those are fundamentally cultural and familial activities. But I don't have any great interest in diving deeper, as my more religious friends tell me I should. I am sure it would be intellectually rewarding, but religion is not important enough to my life to pursue it more. My year with the Bible made me realize that, too.

VL: One thing I really wasn't prepared for was how explicit the OT was about how the Israelites were to barge into other people's land, kill them, and take it over. It seems to fulfill the worst perceptions that anti-Zionists have, no?

DP: That's an unfair conflation, because it merges an ancient religious text with modern geopolitics. There are, of course, lots and lots of Jews who justify their claims to Israel and the West Bank by using the Bible. But most Israelis don't and the Israeli government doesn't. One of the oddest realizations I had while reading the Bible is that modern Israel occupies land that was not generally Biblical Israel. Modern Israel is where ancient Israel's enemies lived. The Biblical demands to kill and occupy are horrifying, and probably the most troubling part of the Bible. (Book of Joshua is hands down the most disturbing Bible book.) But it's succumbing to the literalist fallacy to extrapolate from that that Jews inherently are genocidal and seeking to expel and murder everyone on "their" land.

I guess your question is about whether it reinforces anti-Zionist views, and I suppose you are right that it could. My answer suggests that I think that would be unfair, but it may happen anyway.

VL: I don't mean to claim a certain cause/effect. But it was striking, and IIRC, you noted a time or two how the modern circumstances are reflected in the ancient text.

DP: Fair point.

VL: Thanks for tackling these weighty topics up front. I wanted to make sure that we had time to pick your brain about some large-scale issues. But, as we wrap up, please feel welcome to tell our (generally) religious-skeptical readers why they might want to read your book.

DP: First of all, you should read Good Book so you don't have to read the Bible itself. It's a much funnier, much more irreverent, and much more skeptical than the Bible itself, or than any Bible commentary would be, and it's a way to get a fast Biblical education without having to wade through the Bible itself.

More importantly, I think it's a useful tool for religious skeptics in seeing where the Bible's strong and weak points are. The crudest atheist position — this is a stupid book of mythology and immorality — misses that the Bible is textured and variegated in important ways. Good Book understands that texture, and shows why particular books and stories are appealing or appalling, how particular ideas were popularized and others were discarded, how particular characters were heroicized or villainized. Good Book will help skeptics understand, at an intellectual level, why particular aspects of the Bible have a hold on their fellow citizens. So think of it as a very useful tool for understanding your rivals. And because I am in the middle — neither skeptic nor believer, neither fundamentalist, nor atheist — I'm able to give a much subtler (and more fun!) reading to the Bible.

VL: Thanks again for taking the time to talk with us!

I'll be back!

2008-06-21T09:21:00.004-05:00

Keep the faith, friends. I'll be back when time permits, which won't be until late this summer, I reckon.

Update, 2/25/09: I continue to hope to find the time to pick up where I left off. There are just too many other things on the front burners for me to do a proper job of bible studyin' right now. May the good Lord and my readers forgive me! And you never know when a resurrection might occur....

Numbers 21

2008-05-13T05:38:00.004-05:00

1 And when king Arad the Canaanite, which dwelt in the south, heard tell that Israel came by the way of the spies; then he fought against Israel, and took some of them prisoners.

2 And Israel vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou wilt indeed deliver this people into my hand, then I will utterly destroy their cities.

3 And the LORD hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and their cities: and he called the name of the place Hormah.

4 And they journeyed from mount Hor by the way of the Red sea, to compass the land of Edom: and the soul of the people was much discouraged because of the way.

5 And the people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread.

6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.

7 Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD, and against thee; pray unto the LORD, that he take away the serpents from us. And Moses prayed for the people.

8 And the LORD said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live.

9 And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived.

10 And the children of Israel set forward, and pitched in Oboth.

11 And they journeyed from Oboth, and pitched at Ijeabarim, in the wilderness which is before Moab, toward the sunrising.

12 From thence they removed, and pitched in the valley of Zared.

13 From thence they removed, and pitched on the other side of Arnon, which is in the wilderness that cometh out of the coasts of the Amorites: for Arnon is the border of Moab, between Moab and the Amorites.

14 Wherefore it is said in the book of the wars of the LORD, What he did in the Red sea, and in the brooks of Arnon,

15 And at the stream of the brooks that goeth down to the dwelling of Ar, and lieth upon the border of Moab.

16 And from thence they went to Beer: that is the well whereof the LORD spake unto Moses, Gather the people together, and I will give them water.

17 Then Israel sang this song, Spring up, O well; sing ye unto it:

18 The princes digged the well, the nobles of the people digged it, by the direction of the lawgiver, with their staves. And from the wilderness they went to Mattanah:

19 And from Mattanah to Nahaliel: and from Nahaliel to Bamoth:

20 And from Bamoth in the valley, that is in the country of Moab, to the top of Pisgah, which looketh toward Jeshimon.

21 And Israel sent messengers unto Sihon king of the Amorites, saying,

22 Let me pass through thy land: we will not turn into the fields, or into the vineyards; we will not drink of the waters of the well: but we will go along by the king's high way, until we be past thy borders.

23 And Sihon would not suffer Israel to pass through his border: but Sihon gathered all his people together, and went out against Israel into the wilderness: and he came to Jahaz, and fought against Israel.

24 And Israel smote him with the edge of the sword, and possessed his land from Arnon unto Jabbok, even unto the children of Ammon: for the border of the children of Ammon was strong.

25 And Israel took all these cities: and Israel dwelt in all the cities of the Amorites, in Heshbon, and in all the villages thereof.

26 For Heshbon was the city of Sihon the king of the Amorites, who had fought against the former king of Moab, and taken all his land out of his hand, even unto Arnon.

27 Wherefore they that speak in proverbs say, Come into Heshbon, let the city of Sihon be built and prepared:

28 For there is a fire gone out of Heshbon, a flame from the city of Sihon: it hath consumed Ar of Moab, and the lords of the high places of Arnon.

29 Woe to thee, Moab! thou art undone, O people of Chemosh: he hath given his sons that escaped, and his daughters, into captivity unto Sihon king of the Amorites.

30 We have shot at them; Heshbon is perished even unto Dibon, and we have laid them waste even unto Nophah, which reacheth unto Medeba.

31 Thus Israel dwelt in the land of the Amorites.

32 And Moses sent to spy out Jaazer, and they took the villages thereof, and drove out the Amorites that were there.

33 And they turned and went up by the way of Bashan: and Og the king of Bashan went out against them, he, and all his people, to the battle at Edrei.

34 And the LORD said unto Moses, Fear him not: for I have delivered him into thy hand, and all his people, and his land; and thou shalt do to him as thou didst unto Sihon king of the Amorites, which dwelt at Heshbon.

35 So they smote him, and his sons, and all his people, until there was none left him alive: and they possessed his land.

#1: Canaanite king Arad (that's a little vague, but apparently he's the king of Arad, not of all Canaan) heard that Israel had sent spies." He takes some of the spies as prisoners.

#2: "And Israel vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou wilt indeed deliver this people into my hand, then I will utterly destroy their cities." (This is a lovely prayer: God, because some of our spies were caught mid-invasion, bring us their captors' entire population, so we may kill them all.)

#3: YHWH has no problem with this request. He "delivered up the Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and their cities," which he promptly renamed "Hormah."

#4: The Israelites become "much discouraged" because of the arduous route they had to take "by way of the Red sea," in order to bypass Edom.

#5: The people again complain about being stuck in this wilderness with shitty "light bread" and no water.

#6: "And the LORD sent fiery serpents (cool!) among the people, and they bit the people (Bit them? That seems kind of lame, considering they're fiery serpents.); and much people of Israel died." (Now, hold the phone here a second. When people belly-ached about needing help slaughtering citiesful of people, God stands and delivers in an instant. When they complain about needing water because he stranded them in a desert, he sics horrible creatures upon them. What kind of message does this send?)

#7: The Israelites, all repentant-like (about wanting some water, not about committing the slaughter), went to Moses. At their behest, Moe prayed to Yahweh in hopes he'd make like St. Patrick and clear up the snake problem.

#8: God tells Moses to "make... a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole." (How to you make a fiery serpent? First, get a serpent and some lighter fluid....) The people will still get bitten, but they'll live. (How about just getting rid of the fucking fire monsters? I suppose that "fiery" might just mean poisonous. A fiery snake would be ridiculous. Unlike a talking one.)

#9: Moses made a brass serpent (I thought he was going to have to make a real one, not that all this desert-roadshow metallurgy isn't impressive in its own right), and stuck it on a pole. After that, serpent bites were no longer fatal. (Sounds like maybe the original of the medical symbol. But that one has two snakes. Maybe one represents disease, and the other represents the health-insurance lobby.)

#10 - 13: They traveled from place to place.

#14 - 15: The "book of the wars of the LORD" (I'll bet that's one big-ass tome) describes, "what he did in the Red sea" (other translations describe this rather differently), and then traveling here and there, including around some streams near "the dwelling of Ar," whoever that is.

#16: "And from thence they went to Beer" (at this point, could you blame them?) "that is the well whereof the LORD spake unto Moses, Gather the people together, and I will give them water." (What's that, you're at a well of Beer, and you're talking with God? You don't say!)

#17: "Then Israel sang this song, Spring up, O well; sing ye unto it" (this was during the Peter Green era).

#18 -20: "The princes digged the well, the nobles of the people digged it, by the direction of the lawgiver, with their staves" (well, that's egalitarian!). Then they started schlepping again.

#21-22: "Israel sent messengers unto Sihon king of the Amorites," trying to get a right of passage like they did (unsuccesfully) for Edom.

#23: Sihon refused... and then sent his people "against Israel into the wilderness and he came to Jahaz, and fought against Israel."

#24: "Israel smote him with the edge of the sword," and took his land, all the way up to the border held by "the children of Ammon."

#25: Israelites moved into the cities they took from the Amorites, including Heshbon and its villlages. (Yay! They got to kill a lot of people and take their land. Hooray! So, now they're done wandering in the desert, right? No, really, are we done?)

#26: "Heshbon was the city of Sihon the king of the Amorites, who had fought against the former king of Moab, and taken all his land out of his hand," all the way to Arnon.

#27 - 28: A proverb is cited — "Come into Heshbon, let the city of Sihon be built and prepared..." (what the heck kind of proverb is this?) because there's "fire gone out of Heshbon...." (I think that means a fire emanated from there, not that it was extinguished). The proverb goes on to describe the path of the flame, which went through Sihon and it burned up "Ar of Moab, and the lords of the high places of Arnon." (Ar, we hardly knew ye! In any case, do make sure you tell your children this memorable and uplifting proverb.)

#29 - 30: The proverb descends into trash talk, telling the people of Chemosh that Moab is fucked, his sons had to flee, his daughters are now captives, and others have been "shot at" and such.

#31: "Thus Israel dwelt in the land of the Amorites." (Apparently, just going to a Realtor wasn't an option.)

#32: Moses sent our more spies, and they displaced more Amorites. (You think maybe King Arad had a point when he arrested those spies?)

#33: "And they turned and went up by the way of Bashan: and Og the king of Bashan went out against them, he, and all his people, to the battle at Edrei."

#34: YHWH tells Moses, "Fear him not: for I have delivered him into thy hand, and all his people, and his land; and thou shalt do to him as thou didst unto Sihon king of the Amorites, which dwelt at Heshbon." (Hooray for goodness! God is serving up more people to massacre and take their land from!)

#35: "So they smote him, and his sons, and all his people, until there was none left him alive: and they possessed his land." (Don't you love a happy ending?)

Numbers 20

2008-05-03T07:56:00.006-05:00

1 Then came the children of Israel, even the whole congregation, into the desert of Zin in the first month: and the people abode in Kadesh; and Miriam died there, and was buried there.

2 And there was no water for the congregation: and they gathered themselves together against Moses and against Aaron.

3 And the people chode with Moses, and spake, saying, Would God that we had died when our brethren died before the LORD!

4 And why have ye brought up the congregation of the LORD into this wilderness, that we and our cattle should die there?

5 And wherefore have ye made us to come up out of Egypt, to bring us in unto this evil place? it is no place of seed, or of figs, or of vines, or of pomegranates; neither is there any water to drink.

6 And Moses and Aaron went from the presence of the assembly unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and they fell upon their faces: and the glory of the LORD appeared unto them.

7 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

8 Take the rod, and gather thou the assembly together, thou, and Aaron thy brother, and speak ye unto the rock before their eyes; and it shall give forth his water, and thou shalt bring forth to them water out of the rock: so thou shalt give the congregation and their beasts drink.

9 And Moses took the rod from before the LORD, as he commanded him.

10 And Moses and Aaron gathered the congregation together before the rock, and he said unto them, Hear now, ye rebels; must we fetch you water out of this rock?

11 And Moses lifted up his hand, and with his rod he smote the rock twice: and the water came out abundantly, and the congregation drank, and their beasts also.

12 And the LORD spake unto Moses and Aaron, Because ye believed me not, to sanctify me in the eyes of the children of Israel, therefore ye shall not bring this congregation into the land which I have given them.

13 This is the water of Meribah; because the children of Israel strove with the LORD, and he was sanctified in them.

14 And Moses sent messengers from Kadesh unto the king of Edom, Thus saith thy brother Israel, Thou knowest all the travail that hath befallen us:

15 How our fathers went down into Egypt, and we have dwelt in Egypt a long time; and the Egyptians vexed us, and our fathers:

16 And when we cried unto the LORD, he heard our voice, and sent an angel, and hath brought us forth out of Egypt: and, behold, we are in Kadesh, a city in the uttermost of thy border:

17 Let us pass, I pray thee, through thy country: we will not pass through the fields, or through the vineyards, neither will we drink of the water of the wells: we will go by the king's high way, we will not turn to the right hand nor to the left, until we have passed thy borders.

18 And Edom said unto him, Thou shalt not pass by me, lest I come out against thee with the sword.

19 And the children of Israel said unto him, We will go by the high way: and if I and my cattle drink of thy water, then I will pay for it: I will only, without doing anything else, go through on my feet.

20 And he said, Thou shalt not go through. And Edom came out against him with much people, and with a strong hand.

21 Thus Edom refused to give Israel passage through his border: wherefore Israel turned away from him.

22 And the children of Israel, even the whole congregation, journeyed from Kadesh, and came unto mount Hor.

23 And the LORD spake unto Moses and Aaron in mount Hor, by the coast of the land of Edom, saying,

24 Aaron shall be gathered unto his people: for he shall not enter into the land which I have given unto the children of Israel, because ye rebelled against my word at the water of Meribah.

25 Take Aaron and Eleazar his son, and bring them up unto mount Hor:

26 And strip Aaron of his garments, and put them upon Eleazar his son: and Aaron shall be gathered unto his people, and shall die there.

27 And Moses did as the LORD commanded: and they went up into mount Hor in the sight of all the congregation.

28 And Moses stripped Aaron of his garments, and put them upon Eleazar his son; and Aaron died there in the top of the mount: and Moses and Eleazar came down from the mount.

29 And when all the congregation saw that Aaron was dead, they mourned for Aaron thirty days, even all the house of Israel.

#1: The Israelites came to the desert of Zin and lived in Kadesh. Miriam (Moe and Double-A's sister) died and was buried there.

#2: There was no water, and whiners that they are, the congregation "gathered themselves together against Moses and against Aaron."

#3: The people chided Moses (actually, it says they "chode" Moses, but that kind of language could really taint this thing), saying they wish God had killed them when he was lovingly murdering their brethren.

#4: Why, they ask, did you bring us godly folks into the wilderness, where we and our cattle are gonna die? (Who do they think they are, Helen Thomas?)

#5: Why, they ask, did you make us leave Egypt "to bring us in unto this evil place," this infertile land bereft of figs, vines, and pomegranates. And water, that, too. (Complain, complain, complain!)

#6: Moses and Aaron "fell upon their faces" at the tabernacle door, "and the glory of the LORD appeared unto them."

#7: YHWH told Moses...

#8: "Take the rod," and while Aaron and the whole assembly looks on, talk to the rock. It "shall give forth his water," so the people and the animals can drink. (Who knew that desert rocks were full of water? Ah, the power of sticks and stones!)

#9: "And Moses took the rod from before the LORD, as he commanded him." (Is this the rod he used in Exodus or a new God rod?)

#10: He took 'em over to the rock and said "Hear now, ye rebels; must we fetch you water out of this rock?" (Apparently, going without drinking water was a viable option.)

#11: Moses banged his rod against the rock twice. A ton of water came out, and the people and their beasts drank.

#12 : YHWH said to Moses and Aaron that because they didn't believe Him, they won't get to escort the congregation to the Promised Land. (Hmm, it seems that all they did was "fall on their faces." Did that annoy the Lord during his nappy time or something, alerting him to the fact that his chosen people were parched with thirst in the desert he waylaid them in? A tough crowd, God is.)

#13: "This is the water of Meribah; because the children of Israel strove with the LORD, and he was sanctified in them." (Yet another location name-origin story).

#14: Moses sent messengers to the king of Edom, saying that you know all the trouble your "brother Israel" is facing... (Edom is the nation of Esau, the brother whom Jacob/Israel cheated out of his birthright).

#15: Moe figures that the King o' Edom must know how the Israelites' fathers had a tough time in Egypt...

#16: "And when we cried unto the LORD, he heard our voice, and sent an angel, and hath brought us forth out of Egypt: and, behold, we are in Kadesh, a city in the uttermost of thy border." (Hmm. The very behavior, crying about their problems, that has sent YHWH into endless murderous hissy fits is what got them this attention to begin with. At this point, though, it's seeming like "chosen people" might be an unexpectedly ominous double-entrendre like "To Serve Man.")

#17: Moses asks the King to let the Israelites cross through Edom, saying "we will not pass through the fields, or through the vineyards, neither will we drink of the water of the wells: we will go by the king's high way, we will not turn to the right hand nor to the left, until we have passed thy borders."

#18: Edom (I'm assuming they're calling Edom's current king "Edom," and the original Esau/Edom is long-since dead, but it's hard to know in a book where some people live several hundred years) said he'd come at them with a sword if they tried.

#19: "And the children of Israel..." (just the messengers, or did they all use a speaker phone?) reiterated their plan to use the highway and said they and their cattle might drink some of their water but would pay for it. They'll just walk through, and that's that. (Is requesting additional accommodations a good way of "getting to yes"? Also this section frequently switches between "us" and "I." I'm not sure if "I" means Moses, as represented by his proxies, or if it means "any of us.").

#20: Edom says no dice, and "Edom came out against him (Moses?) with much people, and with a strong hand."

#21: Edom having refused to give them access, "Israel turned away from him." (Literally, the Israelites take a different route, but ever since Jacob finagled the birthright away from [slightly] older bro Esau/Edom, Israel has "turned away" from him/them in another sense, though Jacob did try to give him a consolation gift, which he graciously refused. Since then, the only reference we've encountered is that Edom is "amazed," and not in a good way, along with other peoples whom God is screwing on the Israelites' behalf.)

#22: The Israelites left Kadesh and, er, "came unto mount Hor." (You can't make this stuff up, folks.)

#23: YHWH spoke to Moses and Aaron "in mount Hor, by the coast of the land of Edom, saying..."

#24: "Aaron shall be gathered unto his people (apparently "gathered" means buried): for he shall not enter into the land which I have given unto the children of Israel, because ye rebelled against my word at the water of Meribah." (Wow, in some subtle way, Aaron expressed his concern that the Israelites whom God dragged into the desert were dying of thirst. The great and merciful Lord who torched two of his kids for lighting unauthorized incense summarily now condemns his personal Ari Fleischer to die).

#25: "Take Aaron and Eleazar his son, and bring them up unto mount Hor:" (hey-o!)

#26 "And strip Aaron of his garments (hey-o!), and put them upon Eleazar his son: and Aaron shall be gathered unto his people, and shall die there."

#27: "And Moses did as the LORD commanded (not a peep... certainly not his brother's keeper): and they went up into mount Hor in the sight of all the congregation."

#28: "And Moses stripped Aaron of his garments (hey, what happens in Hor stays in Hor), and put them upon Eleazar his son; and Aaron died there in the top of the mount: and Moses and Eleazar came down from the mount."

#29: "And when all the congregation saw that Aaron was dead, they mourned for Aaron thirty days..."

Yet another S&M lesson, like when Yahweh made Abraham debase himself to the ultimate extreme rather than protest the most loathsome of directives.

The people speak up about their dire thirst. God gives them what they need. And then He goes a-killin'.

YHWH wants us to suffer in silence. If we're deprived of even the most fundamental of Maslow's needs (like, say, poultry), we must be patient until God ponies up with the goods. If we doubt or complain, He'll give us what we ask for... and then heads roll.

So, it's true, isn't it? God is a Republican. He wants those in need to shut up (or else!), until good fortune trickles down upon them.

The Christian Scientists have it right, it seems. If our children have cancer, we shouldn't do anything about it. At the last minute, all will be well.

Impatient boys sometimes miss milk and honey!

Numbers 19

2008-04-16T10:21:00.005-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying,

2 This is the ordinance of the law which the LORD hath commanded, saying, Speak unto the children of Israel, that they bring thee a red heifer without spot, wherein is no blemish, and upon which never came yoke:

3 And ye shall give her unto Eleazar the priest, that he may bring her forth without the camp, and one shall slay her before his face:

4 And Eleazar the priest shall take of her blood with his finger, and sprinkle of her blood directly before the tabernacle of the congregation seven times:

5 And one shall burn the heifer in his sight; her skin, and her flesh, and her blood, with her dung, shall he burn:

6 And the priest shall take cedar wood, and hyssop, and scarlet, and cast it into the midst of the burning of the heifer.

7 Then the priest shall wash his clothes, and he shall bathe his flesh in water, and afterward he shall come into the camp, and the priest shall be unclean until the even.

8 And he that burneth her shall wash his clothes in water, and bathe his flesh in water, and shall be unclean until the even.

9 And a man that is clean shall gather up the ashes of the heifer, and lay them up without the camp in a clean place, and it shall be kept for the congregation of the children of Israel for a water of separation: it is a purification for sin.

10 And he that gathereth the ashes of the heifer shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even: and it shall be unto the children of Israel, and unto the stranger that sojourneth among them, for a statute for ever.

11 He that toucheth the dead body of any man shall be unclean seven days.

12 He shall purify himself with it on the third day, and on the seventh day he shall be clean: but if he purify not himself the third day, then the seventh day he shall not be clean.

13 Whosoever toucheth the dead body of any man that is dead, and purifieth not himself, defileth the tabernacle of the LORD; and that soul shall be cut off from Israel: because the water of separation was not sprinkled upon him, he shall be unclean; his uncleanness is yet upon him.

14 This is the law, when a man dieth in a tent: all that come into the tent, and all that is in the tent, shall be unclean seven days.

15 And every open vessel, which hath no covering bound upon it, is unclean.

16 And whosoever toucheth one that is slain with a sword in the open fields, or a dead body, or a bone of a man, or a grave, shall be unclean seven days.

17 And for an unclean person they shall take of the ashes of the burnt heifer of purification for sin, and running water shall be put thereto in a vessel:

18 And a clean person shall take hyssop, and dip it in the water, and sprinkle it upon the tent, and upon all the vessels, and upon the persons that were there, and upon him that touched a bone, or one slain, or one dead, or a grave:

19 And the clean person shall sprinkle upon the unclean on the third day, and on the seventh day: and on the seventh day he shall purify himself, and wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and shall be clean at even.

20 But the man that shall be unclean, and shall not purify himself, that soul shall be cut off from among the congregation, because he hath defiled the sanctuary of the LORD: the water of separation hath not been sprinkled upon him; he is unclean.

21 And it shall be a perpetual statute unto them, that he that sprinkleth the water of separation shall wash his clothes; and he that toucheth the water of separation shall be unclean until even.

22 And whatsoever the unclean person toucheth shall be unclean; and the soul that toucheth it shall be unclean until even.

For Christ-knows-what reason, we're getting another helping of details about animal sacrifices, with more specifics about unblemished animals and who is officially unclean at various stages of the rituals.

The phrase "the water of separation" is introduced, pertaining to a purification process.

"Separation" was previously used to describe the Nazarites, who separate themselves from the general population via particular grooming regimens, and such.

Not sure exactly what sort of separation is implied here. Separating the living from the dead, perhaps?

Anyway, let's leave the red heifers to their fates and pick up the narrative in Numbers 20....

Numbers 18

2008-03-29T09:27:00.006-05:00

1 And the LORD said unto Aaron, Thou and thy sons and thy father's house with thee shall bear the iniquity of the sanctuary: and thou and thy sons with thee shall bear the iniquity of your priesthood.

2 And thy brethren also of the tribe of Levi, the tribe of thy father, bring thou with thee, that they may be joined unto thee, and minister unto thee: but thou and thy sons with thee shall minister before the tabernacle of witness.

3 And they shall keep thy charge, and the charge of all the tabernacle: only they shall not come nigh the vessels of the sanctuary and the altar, that neither they, nor ye also, die.

4 And they shall be joined unto thee, and keep the charge of the tabernacle of the congregation, for all the service of the tabernacle: and a stranger shall not come nigh unto you.

5 And ye shall keep the charge of the sanctuary, and the charge of the altar: that there be no wrath any more upon the children of Israel.

6 And I, behold, I have taken your brethren the Levites from among the children of Israel: to you they are given as a gift for the LORD, to do the service of the tabernacle of the congregation.

7 Therefore thou and thy sons with thee shall keep your priest's office for everything of the altar, and within the vail; and ye shall serve: I have given your priest's office unto you as a service of gift: and the stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death.

8 And the LORD spake unto Aaron, Behold, I also have given thee the charge of mine heave offerings of all the hallowed things of the children of Israel; unto thee have I given them by reason of the anointing, and to thy sons, by an ordinance for ever.

9 This shall be thine of the most holy things, reserved from the fire: every oblation of theirs, every meat offering of theirs, and every sin offering of theirs, and every trespass offering of theirs which they shall render unto me, shall be most holy for thee and for thy sons.

10 In the most holy place shalt thou eat it; every male shall eat it: it shall be holy unto thee.

11 And this is thine; the heave offering of their gift, with all the wave offerings of the children of Israel: I have given them unto thee, and to thy sons and to thy daughters with thee, by a statute for ever: every one that is clean in thy house shall eat of it.

12 All the best of the oil, and all the best of the wine, and of the wheat, the firstfruits of them which they shall offer unto the LORD, them have I given thee.

13 And whatsoever is first ripe in the land, which they shall bring unto the LORD, shall be thine; every one that is clean in thine house shall eat of it.

14 Every thing devoted in Israel shall be thine.

15 Every thing that openeth the matrix in all flesh, which they bring unto the LORD, whether it be of men or beasts, shall be thine: nevertheless the firstborn of man shalt thou surely redeem, and the firstling of unclean beasts shalt thou redeem.

16 And those that are to be redeemed from a month old shalt thou redeem, according to thine estimation, for the money of five shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary, which is twenty gerahs.

17 But the firstling of a cow, or the firstling of a sheep, or the firstling of a goat, thou shalt not redeem; they are holy: thou shalt sprinkle their blood upon the altar, and shalt burn their fat for an offering made by fire, for a sweet savour unto the LORD.

18 And the flesh of them shall be thine, as the wave breast and as the right shoulder are thine.

19 All the heave offerings of the holy things, which the children of Israel offer unto the LORD, have I given thee, and thy sons and thy daughters with thee, by a statute for ever: it is a covenant of salt for ever before the LORD unto thee and to thy seed with thee.

20 And the LORD spake unto Aaron, Thou shalt have no inheritance in their land, neither shalt thou have any part among them: I am thy part and thine inheritance among the children of Israel.

21 And, behold, I have given the children of Levi all the tenth in Israel for an inheritance, for their service which they serve, even the service of the tabernacle of the congregation.

22 Neither must the children of Israel henceforth come nigh the tabernacle of the congregation, lest they bear sin, and die.

23 But the Levites shall do the service of the tabernacle of the congregation, and they shall bear their iniquity: it shall be a statute for ever throughout your generations, that among the children of Israel they have no inheritance.

24 But the tithes of the children of Israel, which they offer as an heave offering unto the LORD, I have given to the Levites to inherit: therefore I have said unto them, Among the children of Israel they shall have no inheritance.

25 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

26 Thus speak unto the Levites, and say unto them, When ye take of the children of Israel the tithes which I have given you from them for your inheritance, then ye shall offer up an heave offering of it for the LORD, even a tenth part of the tithe.

27 And this your heave offering shall be reckoned unto you, as though it were the corn of the threshingfloor, and as the fulness of the winepress.

28 Thus ye also shall offer an heave offering unto the LORD of all your tithes, which ye receive of the children of Israel; and ye shall give thereof the LORD's heave offering to Aaron the priest.

29 Out of all your gifts ye shall offer every heave offering of the LORD, of all the best thereof, even the hallowed part thereof out of it.

30 Therefore thou shalt say unto them, When ye have heaved the best thereof from it, then it shall be counted unto the Levites as the increase of the threshingfloor, and as the increase of the winepress.

31 And ye shall eat it in every place, ye and your households: for it is your reward for your service in the tabernacle of the congregation.

32 And ye shall bear no sin by reason of it, when ye have heaved from it the best of it: neither shall ye pollute the holy things of the children of Israel, lest ye die.

"And the LORD said unto Aaron...." Well, that's new, isn't it? I don't recall YHWH ever talking directly with just Double-A.

Anyway, He says that Aaron and his father's gang "shall bear the iniquity of the sanctuary," and he and his sons "shall bear the iniquity of your priesthood." So, they'll take the blame for any sins against (or in?) the sanctuary, or committed by the priests. Priests committing sins? Not very likely.

There's a lot of old news about the role of the other Levites and the priestly ones among them, the Aaronids, such as who's allowed in what parts of the tabernacle (lest they die), whom God gave to Aaron as a gift, and who gets to chow down on the sacrificial meat from the meagre flocks of the poor suckers that God is stranding in the wilderness to rot for 40 years.

Though the Levites don't get an inheritance per se, at least no land, they get an awesome royalty stream. "Every thing devoted in Israel shall be thine. Every thing that openeth the matrix in all flesh, which they bring unto the LORD, whether it be of men or beasts, shall be thine: nevertheless the firstborn of man shalt thou surely redeem, and the firstling of unclean beasts shalt thou redeem."

So, they even get the firstborn humans, though they must allow the old buyback "redemption" program. That's firstborn males, though, isn't it? Girls sometimes "open the matrix," no? But so far I'm under the impression that they won't do as proper gifts to God and Aaron.

Oh, and the Levites get the tithes, which are part of the overall pile of fauna and flora (often specifically the first and best stuff) that the Israelites are to bring to the tabernacle, presumably to give thanks for the Lord's mercy in dragging them into nowheresville, where nearly the entire first generation will die — frequently directly at YHWH's hand, via plagues and fire.

It is surprising that this kind of lifestyle is praised by conservatives. Yes, it's pleasingly authoritarian and militaristic, but what rightwinger advocates all-powerful governance, unfulfilled promises of an "ownership society," and punitive taxes? I suppose if the tax burden stopped with the 10% rate, it wouldn't be too offensive to the Steve Forbeses of the world, but all those other offerings add up, no?

Perhaps the promises of real-estate stolen though genocide will come true, and it will be a happy, moral ending. Maybe in another book-a-half of the Pentateuch we'll find out...?

Slow pace vobiscum

2008-03-28T08:43:00.002-05:00

Once again, my apologies for slow productivity here.

I'll do my best to get Numbers 18 up this weekend, but odds are I'm going to be keeping a slower pace here in upcoming months. I do hope your faith in this endeavor remains strong, as we, to quote Mark Vonnegut, "help each other get through this thing, whatever it is."

Numbers 17

2008-03-16T08:18:00.004-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and take of every one of them a rod according to the house of their fathers, of all their princes according to the house of their fathers twelve rods: write thou every man's name upon his rod.

3 And thou shalt write Aaron's name upon the rod of Levi: for one rod shall be for the head of the house of their fathers.

4 And thou shalt lay them up in the tabernacle of the congregation before the testimony, where I will meet with you.

5 And it shall come to pass, that the man's rod, whom I shall choose, shall blossom: and I will make to cease from me the murmurings of the children of Israel, whereby they murmur against you.

6 And Moses spake unto the children of Israel, and every one of their princes gave him a rod apiece, for each prince one, according to their fathers' houses, even twelve rods: and the rod of Aaron was among their rods.

7 And Moses laid up the rods before the LORD in the tabernacle of witness.

8 And it came to pass, that on the morrow Moses went into the tabernacle of witness; and, behold, the rod of Aaron for the house of Levi was budded, and brought forth buds, and bloomed blossoms, and yielded almonds.

9 And Moses brought out all the rods from before the LORD unto all the children of Israel: and they looked, and took every man his rod.

10 And the LORD said unto Moses, Bring Aaron's rod again before the testimony, to be kept for a token against the rebels; and thou shalt quite take away their murmurings from me, that they die not.

11 And Moses did so: as the LORD commanded him, so did he.

12 And the children of Israel spake unto Moses, saying, Behold, we die, we perish, we all perish.

13 Whosoever cometh any thing near unto the tabernacle of the LORD shall die: shall we be consumed with dying?

Oh, good: a quick one after I was away.

Not though, as I was hoping, the inspiration for the Hitchcock film. But that wasn't one of The Master's better efforts, anyway.

#1: YHWH tells Moses...

#2: Get a dozen sticks from the Israelites, one for each of the twelve houses, and each labeled with the name of the head of the family.

#3: "Write Aaron's name upon the rod of Levi." (I guess Moe hadn't distinguished himself enough to earn that honor. Slacker!).

#4: "And thou shalt lay them up in the tabernacle of the congregation before the testimony, where I will meet with you."

#5: I will choose one of the rods to blossom (Calling Dr. Freud!). And this will keep the Israelites from bitching about you. (Does this make any sense? Forget it, he's rolling).

#6: Aaron and the eleven princes hand their rods to Moses. (Hey-o! And cancel that call. Sometimes twelve guys handing you their rods is just twelve guys handing you their rods.)

#7: Moses "laid up the rods before the LORD in the tabernacle."

#8: "The rod of Aaron for the house of Levi was budded, and brought forth buds, and bloomed blossoms, and yielded almonds." (If your rod buds for more than four hours, seek immediate medical attention. Unless you need the almonds.)

#9: Moses returned the nutless sticks to their owners.

#10: Yaweh told Moses to "bring Aaron's rod again before the testimony, to be kept for a token against the rebels," which should keep them from murmuring against me and they won't die. (Interesting how this shifts between who is the target of the murmurs, Moses or the Boss Man. And God conveniently says that the grumblers would die, rather than admitting that He would — lovingly and morally, of course — burn or bury them alive, as opposed to them meeting with, like, an accident.)

#11: Moses did as he was commanded.

#12: The Israelites said to to Moses, "Behold, we die, we perish, we all perish." (I hope that doesn't count as murmuring.)

#13: "Whosoever cometh any thing near unto the tabernacle of the LORD shall die: shall we be consumed with dying?" (Seems to me, they have nothing to fear but fear itself. And an insane, vengeful, self-centered, all-powerful being. That, too.)

Numbers 16

2008-03-15T20:56:00.014-05:00

1 Now Korah, the son of Izhar, the son of Kohath, the son of Levi, and Dathan and Abiram, the sons of Eliab, and On, the son of Peleth, sons of Reuben, took men:

2 And they rose up before Moses, with certain of the children of Israel, two hundred and fifty princes of the assembly, famous in the congregation, men of renown:

3 And they gathered themselves together against Moses and against Aaron, and said unto them, Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD?

4 And when Moses heard it, he fell upon his face:

5 And he spake unto Korah and unto all his company, saying, Even to morrow the LORD will shew who are his, and who is holy; and will cause him to come near unto him: even him whom he hath chosen will he cause to come near unto him.

6 This do; Take you censers, Korah, and all his company;

7 And put fire therein, and put incense in them before the LORD to morrow: and it shall be that the man whom the LORD doth choose, he shall be holy: ye take too much upon you, ye sons of Levi.

8 And Moses said unto Korah, Hear, I pray you, ye sons of Levi:

9 Seemeth it but a small thing unto you, that the God of Israel hath separated you from the congregation of Israel, to bring you near to himself to do the service of the tabernacle of the LORD, and to stand before the congregation to minister unto them?

10 And he hath brought thee near to him, and all thy brethren the sons of Levi with thee: and seek ye the priesthood also?

11 For which cause both thou and all thy company are gathered together against the LORD: and what is Aaron, that ye murmur against him?

12 And Moses sent to call Dathan and Abiram, the sons of Eliab: which said, We will not come up:

13 Is it a small thing that thou hast brought us up out of a land that floweth with milk and honey, to kill us in the wilderness, except thou make thyself altogether a prince over us?

14 Moreover thou hast not brought us into a land that floweth with milk and honey, or given us inheritance of fields and vineyards: wilt thou put out the eyes of these men? we will not come up.

15 And Moses was very wroth, and said unto the LORD, Respect not thou their offering: I have not taken one ass from them, neither have I hurt one of them.

16 And Moses said unto Korah, Be thou and all thy company before the LORD, thou, and they, and Aaron, to morrow:

17 And take every man his censer, and put incense in them, and bring ye before the LORD every man his censer, two hundred and fifty censers; thou also, and Aaron, each of you his censer.

18 And they took every man his censer, and put fire in them, and laid incense thereon, and stood in the door of the tabernacle of the congregation with Moses and Aaron.

19 And Korah gathered all the congregation against them unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation: and the glory of the LORD appeared unto all the congregation.

20 And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying,

21 Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment.

22 And they fell upon their faces, and said, O God, the God of the spirits of all flesh, shall one man sin, and wilt thou be wroth with all the congregation?

23 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

24 Speak unto the congregation, saying, Get you up from about the tabernacle of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram.

25 And Moses rose up and went unto Dathan and Abiram; and the elders of Israel followed him.

26 And he spake unto the congregation, saying, Depart, I pray you, from the tents of these wicked men, and touch nothing of their's, lest ye be consumed in all their sins.

27 So they gat up from the tabernacle of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram, on every side: and Dathan and Abiram came out, and stood in the door of their tents, and their wives, and their sons, and their little children.

28 And Moses said, Hereby ye shall know that the LORD hath sent me to do all these works; for I have not done them of mine own mind.

29 If these men die the common death of all men, or if they be visited after the visitation of all men; then the LORD hath not sent me.

30 But if the LORD make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD.

31 And it came to pass, as he had made an end of speaking all these words, that the ground clave asunder that was under them:

32 And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses, and all the men that appertained unto Korah, and all their goods.

33 They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation.

34 And all Israel that were round about them fled at the cry of them: for they said, Lest the earth swallow us up also.

35 And there came out a fire from the LORD, and consumed the two hundred and fifty men that offered incense.

36 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

37 Speak unto Eleazar the son of Aaron the priest, that he take up the censers out of the burning, and scatter thou the fire yonder; for they are hallowed.

38 The censers of these sinners against their own souls, let them make them broad plates for a covering of the altar: for they offered them before the LORD, therefore they are hallowed: and they shall be a sign unto the children of Israel.

39 And Eleazar the priest took the brasen censers, wherewith they that were burnt had offered; and they were made broad plates for a covering of the altar:

40 To be a memorial unto the children of Israel, that no stranger, which is not of the seed of Aaron, come near to offer incense before the LORD; that he be not as Korah, and as his company: as the LORD said to him by the hand of Moses.

41 But on the morrow all the congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD.

42 And it came to pass, when the congregation was gathered against Moses and against Aaron, that they looked toward the tabernacle of the congregation: and, behold, the cloud covered it, and the glory of the LORD appeared.

43 And Moses and Aaron came before the tabernacle of the congregation.

44 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

45 Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment. And they fell upon their faces.

46 And Moses said unto Aaron, Take a censer, and put fire therein from off the altar, and put on incense, and go quickly unto the congregation, and make an atonement for them: for there is wrath gone out from the LORD; the plague is begun.

47 And Aaron took as Moses commanded, and ran into the midst of the congregation; and, behold, the plague was begun among the people: and he put on incense, and made an atonement for the people.

48 And he stood between the dead and the living; and the plague was stayed.

49 Now they that died in the plague were fourteen thousand and seven hundred, beside them that died about the matter of Korah.

50 And Aaron returned unto Moses unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation: and the plague was stayed.

#1: Korah (not that Korah) "took men" (not that there's anything wrong with that).

#2: 250 big-deal Israelite princes in all "rose up before Moses..."

#3: And they antagonistically told Moe and Aaron that they'd become too high falutin', asking why they placed themselves above the others in the congregation.

#4: "And when Moses heard it, he fell upon his face..."

#5: And he told Korah and his princely gang that tomorrow the Lord will separate the Holy from the ordinary, by making the holy ones come near him. (Not sure how Moe knows this holy-off will happen. Does YHWH now communicate with him telepathically? Or is Moe wearing a headset, like a quarterback or a Gap clerk?)

#6: Gentlemen, bring your incense burners, Moe says... (What could possibly go wrong?)

#7: And fire 'em up in front of God tomorrow. You're the ones who are over-reaching (history's first citation of "I know you are, but what am I?"), he tells them, reminding them that the One True Superdelegate will pick the holiest.

#8: Moses tells Korah and the Levites to listen up.

#9: Maybe it's a small thing to you, he says, that God made you temple crew...

#10: But now you want to be priests, too?

#11: Why you wanna dis the Lord and my bro?

#12: Moses called Dathan and Abiram, but they refused to come on down.

#13: Is it a small thing, they replied, that you took us from Milk-and-Honeyland, "to kill us in the wilderness," and on top of that, you're bossing us around?

#14: Also, they add, you haven't delivered on that promised-land inheritance. Are you going to blind these guys (perhaps "are you pulling the wool over their eyes")? We're not coming over to you.

#15: Moses was pissed, and he tells the Lord "Respect not thou their offering: I have not taken one ass from them, neither have I hurt one of them."

#16: Be there tomorrow, Moe tells Korah, along with your gang, and Aaron, too.

#17: And bring those censers, all 250, and some incense.

#18: They brought 'em, lit 'em up, "and stood in the door of the tabernacle of the congregation with Moses and Aaron." (Can you imagine the smell of 250 pieces of burning incense? Gag me!)

#19: Korah ganged up his anti-Moses/anti-Aaron group by the door, and "the glory of the LORD appeared unto all the congregation."

#20: God told Moe and Double-A...

#21: Stand apart from "this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment." (This, I take it, is not good news for the congregation).

#22: The consumables fell on their faces, saying " O God, the God of the spirits of all flesh," will you punish the whole congregation for one man's sin? (which seems like an odd line of argument, given that the whole group is in on this insubordination).

#23: YHWH tells Moses...

#24: To tell the congregation, "Get you up from about the tabernacle of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram." (This is a little confusing, but I gather He's telling the Israelite bystanders to stay clear of Korah, Dathan's, and Abiram's tents, because some serious shit is about to happen).

#25: Moses approached Dathan and Abiram, "and the elders of Israel followed him." (Love the dramatic effect. Moses is stooping to conquer. He walks over to the scofflaws who wouldn't come over to him, but if they think they're winning this round of gamesmanship, they've got another thing coming, doncha think?)

#26: Moses tells the whole congregation, to stay away from the mutineers' tents and from all their stuff. These. Guys. Are. So. Fucked.

#27: Everyone came out of Korah's, Dathan's, and Abiram's tents. "Dathan and Abiram came out, and stood in the door of their tents, and their wives, and their sons, and their little children."

#28: Moses claims that this will show that he's not to be responsible for what's going to happen. (But doesn't it seem like he prodded Yahweh to get involved?)

#29: If these guys die like most people do, then I'm not on a mission from God.

#30: "But if the LORD make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD." (OK, this is getting serious bad-ass).

#31: And just as he said it, the ground opened up under the whiners.

#32: "And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses, and all the men that appertained unto Korah, and all their goods." (Not sure which men "appertained unto Korah. At first, I thought it meant the 250 complainers, but apparently not. His slaves, I reckon... it's a blessed thing that they're punished for their master's unfaithfulness to the Good Lord).

#33: They and all their stuff "went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation." (Serves 'em right, doesn't it, for complaining about being dragged into the wilderness and being condemned to die there in frustration, after having been promised a plush birthright? Being buried alive is too good for these fuckers. Just shows you how merciful our Loving Creator is. Note that some translations have them descending into Sheol, apparently a more-or-less hellish pit)

#34: All the Israelites on the scene fled, crying, fearing they would be swallowed up , too.

#35: "And there came out a fire from the LORD, and consumed the two hundred and fifty men that offered incense." (OK, now all the complainers have met their just deserts. A lot of killing, but that's that. Let's move along folks, nothing to be troubled about.)

#36: And God told Moses...

#37: To talk to Aaron's son, Eleazar, and to tell him to collect the dead men's 250 censers from the fire, "for they are hallowed." (Is there a better way to sanctify something than to burn its previous owner — a prince, no less — to death, and then steal it?)

#38: Make plates, for covering the altar, out of these sinners' censers. "They shall be a sign unto the children of Israel." (Yes, I would think they should be.)

#39: "And Eleazar the priest took the brasen censers, wherewith they that were burnt had offered; and they were made broad plates for a covering of the altar." (Could this be the origin of the word "brazen"?)

#40: To commemorate that no strangers, no one who isn't an Aaronite, should "offer incense before the LORD." (Fat lot of good it did Aaron's charbroiled sons to be in his family line.)

#41: The next day, the Israelites "murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD." (What part of "I'm a murderous, petty, all-powerful madman" don't they understand?)

#42: The congregation gathered against Moses, and the cloud appeared, along with "God's glory."

#43: Moses and Aaron stood in front of the tabernacle.

#44: And the Almighty told Moses...

#45: "Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment. And they fell upon their faces." (At that point, I probably would fall on my face. Or exit, stage left!)

#46: And Moses told Aaron, "Take a censer, and put fire therein from off the altar, and put on incense, and go quickly unto the congregation, and make an atonement for them: for there is wrath gone out from the LORD; the plague is begun." (At this point, I might think twice about burning incense, especially if I were Aaron.)

#47: Aaron did as Moses told him, and he stood amidst the people, "and he put on incense, and made an atonement for the people."

#48: He "he stood between the dead and the living; and the plague was stayed." (Not sure how God felt about this intervention).

#49: "Now they that died in the plague were fourteen thousand and seven hundred, beside them that died about the matter of Korah." (So, about 15 times as many people died in this incident as in Jonestown, and nearly 400 times as many in the Heaven's Gate cult suicide. But this wasn't sick or freaky, mind you.)

#50: Aaron rejoined Moses at the front of the tabernacle, and the Good Lord's holy plague had been stopped.

Atheist resurrection

2008-03-12T18:19:00.006-05:00

Sorry for the break in the action. Should be back posting again tomorrow.

Update: Oops, Numbers 16's a fairly long one. By Saturday definitely, God as my witness.

Numbers 15

2008-02-27T20:36:00.006-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When ye be come into the land of your habitations, which I give unto you,

3 And will make an offering by fire unto the LORD, a burnt offering, or a sacrifice in performing a vow, or in a freewill offering, or in your solemn feasts, to make a sweet savour unto the LORD, of the herd or of the flock:

4 Then shall he that offereth his offering unto the LORD bring a meat offering of a tenth deal of flour mingled with the fourth part of an hin of oil.

5 And the fourth part of an hin of wine for a drink offering shalt thou prepare with the burnt offering or sacrifice, for one lamb.

6 Or for a ram, thou shalt prepare for a meat offering two tenth deals of flour mingled with the third part of an hin of oil.

7 And for a drink offering thou shalt offer the third part of an hin of wine, for a sweet savour unto the LORD.

8 And when thou preparest a bullock for a burnt offering, or for a sacrifice in performing a vow, or peace offerings unto the LORD:

9 Then shall he bring with a bullock a meat offering of three tenth deals of flour mingled with half an hin of oil.

10 And thou shalt bring for a drink offering half an hin of wine, for an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the LORD.

11 Thus shall it be done for one bullock, or for one ram, or for a lamb, or a kid.

12 According to the number that ye shall prepare, so shall ye do to every one according to their number.

13 All that are born of the country shall do these things after this manner, in offering an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the LORD.

14 And if a stranger sojourn with you, or whosoever be among you in your generations, and will offer an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the LORD; as ye do, so he shall do.

15 One ordinance shall be both for you of the congregation, and also for the stranger that sojourneth with you, an ordinance for ever in your generations: as ye are, so shall the stranger be before the LORD.

16 One law and one manner shall be for you, and for the stranger that sojourneth with you.

17 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

18 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When ye come into the land whither I bring you,

19 Then it shall be, that, when ye eat of the bread of the land, ye shall offer up an heave offering unto the LORD.

20 Ye shall offer up a cake of the first of your dough for an heave offering: as ye do the heave offering of the threshingfloor, so shall ye heave it.

21 Of the first of your dough ye shall give unto the LORD an heave offering in your generations.

22 And if ye have erred, and not observed all these commandments, which the LORD hath spoken unto Moses,

23 Even all that the LORD hath commanded you by the hand of Moses, from the day that the LORD commanded Moses, and henceforward among your generations;

24 Then it shall be, if ought be committed by ignorance without the knowledge of the congregation, that all the congregation shall offer one young bullock for a burnt offering, for a sweet savour unto the LORD, with his meat offering, and his drink offering, according to the manner, and one kid of the goats for a sin offering.

25 And the priest shall make an atonement for all the congregation of the children of Israel, and it shall be forgiven them; for it is ignorance: and they shall bring their offering, a sacrifice made by fire unto the LORD, and their sin offering before the LORD, for their ignorance:

26 And it shall be forgiven all the congregation of the children of Israel, and the stranger that sojourneth among them; seeing all the people were in ignorance.

27 And if any soul sin through ignorance, then he shall bring a she goat of the first year for a sin offering.

28 And the priest shall make an atonement for the soul that sinneth ignorantly, when he sinneth by ignorance before the LORD, to make an atonement for him; and it shall be forgiven him.

29 Ye shall have one law for him that sinneth through ignorance, both for him that is born among the children of Israel, and for the stranger that sojourneth among them.

30 But the soul that doeth ought presumptuously, whether he be born in the land, or a stranger, the same reproacheth the LORD; and that soul shall be cut off from among his people.

31 Because he hath despised the word of the LORD, and hath broken his commandment, that soul shall utterly be cut off; his iniquity shall be upon him.

32 And while the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day.

33 And they that found him gathering sticks brought him unto Moses and Aaron, and unto all the congregation.

34 And they put him in ward, because it was not declared what should be done to him.

35 And the LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones without the camp.

36 And all the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses.

37 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

38 Speak unto the children of Israel, and bid them that they make them fringes in the borders of their garments throughout their generations, and that they put upon the fringe of the borders a ribband of blue:

39 And it shall be unto you for a fringe, that ye may look upon it, and remember all the commandments of the LORD, and do them; and that ye seek not after your own heart and your own eyes, after which ye use to go a whoring:

40 That ye may remember, and do all my commandments, and be holy unto your God.

41 I am the LORD your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt, to be your God: I am the LORD your God

YHWH tells Moses to tell the young 'uns about the sacrifices they need to make 40 years in the future, after they steal the promised land as He has ordained.

The Israelites find a man gathering sticks on the sabbath day, and they do the right thing and imprison him until God tells them what to do. He tells them the right thing to do, and that is to stone the sinner to death. And they do the right thing and stone the sinner to death.

I do hope the Secret Service keeps President Bush from clearing that Crawford brush on the Lord's day, because God says what he means and means what he says. (Update: uh-oh!)

Once Yahweh dispensed the valuable moral advice of using stones to break bones, he suddenly turned to the important topic of what color of fringe the Israelites should wear for all eternity.

This is important because the blue trim will remind you to follow the Lord's commandments and "seek not after your own heart and your own eyes, after which ye use to go a whoring." We wouldn't want spiritual people following their heart or trusting their own lyin' eyes, would we? Fuck no.

Numbers 14

2008-02-22T11:29:00.008-05:00

1 And all the congregation lifted up their voice, and cried; and the people wept that night.

2 And all the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron: and the whole congregation said unto them, Would God that we had died in the land of Egypt! or would God we had died in this wilderness!

3 And wherefore hath the LORD brought us unto this land, to fall by the sword, that our wives and our children should be a prey? were it not better for us to return into Egypt?

4 And they said one to another, Let us make a captain, and let us return into Egypt.

5 Then Moses and Aaron fell on their faces before all the assembly of the congregation of the children of Israel.

6 And Joshua the son of Nun, and Caleb the son of Jephunneh, which were of them that searched the land, rent their clothes:

7 And they spake unto all the company of the children of Israel, saying, The land, which we passed through to search it, is an exceeding good land.

8 If the LORD delight in us, then he will bring us into this land, and give it us; a land which floweth with milk and honey.

9 Only rebel not ye against the LORD, neither fear ye the people of the land; for they are bread for us: their defence is departed from them, and the LORD is with us: fear them not.

10 But all the congregation bade stone them with stones. And the glory of the LORD appeared in the tabernacle of the congregation before all the children of Israel.

11 And the LORD said unto Moses, How long will this people provoke me? and how long will it be ere they believe me, for all the signs which I have shewed among them?

12 I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they.

13 And Moses said unto the LORD, Then the Egyptians shall hear it, (for thou broughtest up this people in thy might from among them;)

14 And they will tell it to the inhabitants of this land: for they have heard that thou LORD art among this people, that thou LORD art seen face to face, and that thy cloud standeth over them, and that thou goest before them, by day time in a pillar of a cloud, and in a pillar of fire by night.

15 Now if thou shalt kill all this people as one man, then the nations which have heard the fame of thee will speak, saying,

16 Because the LORD was not able to bring this people into the land which he sware unto them, therefore he hath slain them in the wilderness.

17 And now, I beseech thee, let the power of my LORD be great, according as thou hast spoken, saying,

18 The LORD is longsuffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation.

19 Pardon, I beseech thee, the iniquity of this people according unto the greatness of thy mercy, and as thou hast forgiven this people, from Egypt even until now.

20 And the LORD said, I have pardoned according to thy word:

21 But as truly as I live, all the earth shall be filled with the glory of the LORD.

22 Because all those men which have seen my glory, and my miracles, which I did in Egypt and in the wilderness, and have tempted me now these ten times, and have not hearkened to my voice;

23 Surely they shall not see the land which I sware unto their fathers, neither shall any of them that provoked me see it:

24 But my servant Caleb, because he had another spirit with him, and hath followed me fully, him will I bring into the land whereinto he went; and his seed shall possess it.

25 (Now the Amalekites and the Canaanites dwelt in the valley.) Tomorrow turn you, and get you into the wilderness by the way of the Red sea.

26 And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying,

27 How long shall I bear with this evil congregation, which murmur against me? I have heard the murmurings of the children of Israel, which they murmur against me.

28 Say unto them, As truly as I live, saith the LORD, as ye have spoken in mine ears, so will I do to you:

29 Your carcases shall fall in this wilderness; and all that were numbered of you, according to your whole number, from twenty years old and upward which have murmured against me.

30 Doubtless ye shall not come into the land, concerning which I sware to make you dwell therein, save Caleb the son of Jephunneh, and Joshua the son of Nun.

31 But your little ones, which ye said should be a prey, them will I bring in, and they shall know the land which ye have despised.

32 But as for you, your carcases, they shall fall in this wilderness.

33 And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years, and bear your whoredoms, until your carcases be wasted in the wilderness.

34 After the number of the days in which ye searched the land, even forty days, each day for a year, shall ye bear your iniquities, even forty years, and ye shall know my breach of promise.

35 I the LORD have said, I will surely do it unto all this evil congregation, that are gathered together against me: in this wilderness they shall be consumed, and there they shall die.

36 And the men, which Moses sent to search the land, who returned, and made all the congregation to murmur against him, by bringing up a slander upon the land,

37 Even those men that did bring up the evil report upon the land, died by the plague before the LORD.

38 But Joshua the son of Nun, and Caleb the son of Jephunneh, which were of the men that went to search the land, lived still.

39 And Moses told these sayings unto all the children of Israel: and the people mourned greatly.

40 And they rose up early in the morning, and gat them up into the top of the mountain, saying, Lo, we be here, and will go up unto the place which the LORD hath promised: for we have sinned.

41 And Moses said, Wherefore now do ye transgress the commandment of the LORD? but it shall not prosper.

42 Go not up, for the LORD is not among you; that ye be not smitten before your enemies.

43 For the Amalekites and the Canaanites are there before you, and ye shall fall by the sword: because ye are turned away from the LORD, therefore the LORD will not be with you.

44 But they presumed to go up unto the hill top: nevertheless the ark of the covenant of the LORD, and Moses, departed not out of the camp.

45 Then the Amalekites came down, and the Canaanites which dwelt in that hill, and smote them, and discomfited them, even unto Hormah

#1: The whole congregation cried (you'd think Alderaan had blown up or something).

#2: The Israelites "murmured against Moses and against Aaron" and wished they'd all died in Egypt or right there in the wilderness.

#3: Why, they ask, did God bring them here to be killed in battle and for their families to be vulnerable. Shouldn't they all just go back to Egypt?

#4: And they decided to name a captain to lead them back home. (Just wonderin': how do two million people in the wilderness pull off a vote like that? Was Diebold around back then?)

#5: "Moses and Aaron fell on their faces before all the assembly of the congregation of the children of Israel." (That's gotta leave a mark.)

#6: Joshua and Caleb tore their clothes.

#7: And they told the Israelites that the land they spied was "an exceeding good land."

#8: If, they continued, "the LORD delight in us, then he will bring us into this land, and give it us; a land which floweth with milk and honey."

#9: Don't rebel against YHWH, they urged, and don't fear the people whose land you're about to steal. We'll eat them like bread. God has rendered them defenseless. Don't fear them.

#10: The Israelites decide to stone them (is "them" Moe and Double-A or the raiment-ripping spies?). "And the glory of the LORD appeared in the tabernacle of the congregation before all the children of Israel."

#11: YHWH, who hadn't been threatened with any stones, decides it's all about Him. "And the LORD said unto Moses, How long will this people provoke me? and how long will it be ere they believe me, for all the signs which I have shewed among them?"

#12: The Lord, previewing the "turn the other cheek" philosophy I understand we'll hear from his son, says: "I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they." (I.e., we had to infest and infect the villager in order to save them.)

#13: Timid, tongue-tied ol' Moses, twists God's arm once again: "Then the Egyptians shall hear it..."

#14: They'll tell the land's current occupants, who know about our close connection to you...

#15: If you kill all the Israelites, those designated enemies will say...

#16: "Because the LORD was not able to bring this people into the land which he sware unto them, therefore he hath slain them in the wilderness." (I'm not sure why that's a great defense: don't kill your chosen people, because what will the heathens say?)

#17: Moses begs God, "let the power of my LORD be great, according as thou hast spoken, saying..."

#18: ... that you are longsuffering and merciful... but "by no means clearing the guilty," as you'll do the right thing and punish the next four generations for the sins of their forefathers. (Sounds reasonable.)

#19: Please, Moses asks, pardon the Israelites.

#20: And YHWH relents.

#21: He says, "as truly as I live, all the earth shall be filled with the glory of the LORD."

#22: Because the Israelites, whom He's shown His glory and His miracles "have tempted me now these ten times" and still don't listen to me...

#23: They won't get to the promised land.

#24: "But my servant Caleb, because he had another spirit with him, and hath followed me fully, him will I bring into the land whereinto he went; and his seed shall possess it."

#25: Parenthetically we are reminded that "Amalekites and the Canaanites dwelt in the valley." But tomorrow, God says, "get you into the wilderness by the way of the Red sea."

#26. Yahweh tells (or asks, really) Moses and Aaron...

#27: "How long shall I bear with this evil congregation, which murmur against me? I have heard the murmurings of the children of Israel, which they murmur against me." (Speaking of captains, this Yaweh fellow is starting to sound like Philip Francis Queeg.)

#28: Tell them, God says, that...

#29: "Your carcases shall fall in this wilderness," all of you twenty and older "which have murmured against me." (Hooray! God loves us!)

#30: "Doubtless ye shall not come into the land, except for Caleb and Joshua.

#31: Your kids, though, will "know the land which ye have despised."

#32: But, again "your carcases... shall fall in this wilderness." (Just in case He hadn't been clear on that part.)

#33: "And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years, and bear your whoredoms, until your carcases be wasted in the wilderness." (Just like we used to say, never trust anyone over 20. And haven't they served one of those 40 years in Nowheresville already? Nope, 40 more years, it seems, suffering their parents' "whoredoms" and waiting for their carcasses to rot. This all could have gone so much more quickly if someone had invented Soylent Green.)

#34: The 40 years is one year of payback for each of the forty days of God-ordained spying on God-ordained victims, which culminated in "breach of promise" when the chickenshit spies exaggerated the strength of the targeted peoples.

#35: "I will surely do it unto all this evil congregation," says the loving Creator, "in this wilderness they shall be consumed, and there they shall die."

#36: Moses' spies, who caused the murmurs with their "slander upon the land..."

#37: They "died by the plague before the LORD."

#38: But Josh and Caleb lived.

#39: Moses told the Israelites, and they "mourned greatly." (I think they're supposed to go, "It's good you're gonna do that, Lord. It's real good.")

#40: They got up early and went to the top of the mountain, saying that they've sinned... and that they'll head to the promised land (instead of rotting in the wilderness, as the Good Lord intended).

#41: Moses asked them why they "transgress the commandment of the LORD," when it can't possibly succeed.

#42: Moses tells them not to do it, as they'll be struck down by their enemies.

#43 The Amalekites and Canaanites will slay the Israelites, he says, because the latter have "turned away from the LORD," and thus the Lord won't be with them.

#44: But up they went, while Moses and the Ark of the Covenant stayed put.

#45: And, sure as ~~shooting~~ stabbing, the Amalekites and Canaanites overwhelmed them, all the way back to Hormah. (It's not clear how many dead this implies).

Numbers 13

2008-02-21T12:59:00.003-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Send thou men, that they may search the land of Canaan, which I give unto the children of Israel: of every tribe of their fathers shall ye send a man, every one a ruler among them.

3 And Moses by the commandment of the LORD sent them from the wilderness of Paran: all those men were heads of the children of Israel.

4 And these were their names: of the tribe of Reuben, Shammua the son of Zaccur.

5 Of the tribe of Simeon, Shaphat the son of Hori.

6 Of the tribe of Judah, Caleb the son of Jephunneh.

7 Of the tribe of Issachar, Igal the son of Joseph.

8 Of the tribe of Ephraim, Oshea the son of Nun.

9 Of the tribe of Benjamin, Palti the son of Raphu.

10 Of the tribe of Zebulun, Gaddiel the son of Sodi.

11 Of the tribe of Joseph, namely, of the tribe of Manasseh, Gaddi the son of Susi.

12 Of the tribe of Dan, Ammiel the son of Gemalli.

13 Of the tribe of Asher, Sethur the son of Michael.

14 Of the tribe of Naphtali, Nahbi the son of Vophsi.

15 Of the tribe of Gad, Geuel the son of Machi.

16 These are the names of the men which Moses sent to spy out the land. And Moses called Oshea the son of Nun Jehoshua.

17 And Moses sent them to spy out the land of Canaan, and said unto them, Get you up this way southward, and go up into the mountain:

18 And see the land, what it is, and the people that dwelleth therein, whether they be strong or weak, few or many;

19 And what the land is that they dwell in, whether it be good or bad; and what cities they be that they dwell in, whether in tents, or in strong holds;

20 And what the land is, whether it be fat or lean, whether there be wood therein, or not. And be ye of good courage, and bring of the fruit of the land. Now the time was the time of the firstripe grapes.

21 So they went up, and searched the land from the wilderness of Zin unto Rehob, as men come to Hamath.

22 And they ascended by the south, and came unto Hebron; where Ahiman, Sheshai, and Talmai, the children of Anak, were. (Now Hebron was built seven years before Zoan in Egypt.)

23 And they came unto the brook of Eshcol, and cut down from thence a branch with one cluster of grapes, and they bare it between two upon a staff; and they brought of the pomegranates, and of the figs.

24 The place was called the brook Eshcol, because of the cluster of grapes which the children of Israel cut down from thence.

25 And they returned from searching of the land after forty days.

26 And they went and came to Moses, and to Aaron, and to all the congregation of the children of Israel, unto the wilderness of Paran, to Kadesh; and brought back word unto them, and unto all the congregation, and shewed them the fruit of the land.

27 And they told him, and said, We came unto the land whither thou sentest us, and surely it floweth with milk and honey; and this is the fruit of it.

28 Nevertheless the people be strong that dwell in the land, and the cities are walled, and very great: and moreover we saw the children of Anak there.

29 The Amalekites dwell in the land of the south: and the Hittites, and the Jebusites, and the Amorites, dwell in the mountains: and the Canaanites dwell by the sea, and by the coast of Jordan.

30 And Caleb stilled the people before Moses, and said, Let us go up at once, and possess it; for we are well able to overcome it.

31 But the men that went up with him said, We be not able to go up against the people; for they are stronger than we.

32 And they brought up an evil report of the land which they had searched unto the children of Israel, saying, The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature.

33 And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight.

If I weren't tempting fate enough by running a Bible Study for Atheists, here I am tangling with Numbers 13.

#1: The Lord tells Moses...

#2: Send your men to scout out Canaan (ol' Hobab might have come in handy), which I'm giving to you. The spies should be "a ruler" from each tribe.

#3: Moses sent 'em.

#4-15: The spy-rulers are listed. For some reason, the Manasseh line's connection to Joseph is noted, while the Ephraimites are not. The latter is represented by the Bible's first Irish Catholic: O'Shea, the son of Nun....

#16: But Moe knew him as ~~Nancy~~ Jehoshua.

#17: Moses told them to go southward and up on a mountain...

#18: And to size up the current tenants...

#19: And the quality of the real estate...

#20: And its agricultural characteristics.

#21-24: The looked here and there and snagged some fruit.

#25: After the time-honored interval of forty days, they returned to camp.

#26: They told Moses and the 2,000,000 (or 600,000 — depending on who was invited) Israelites what they saw and showed them the fruit.

#27: They said that the land flowed with milk and honey. And fresh fruit!

#28: But the bad news was that the people were strong (and the men were good-looking?), and what's more, they said, "we saw the children of Anak there." Apparently, that was bad news.

#29: There were Amaleks, Hittites, Jebusites, Amorites, and of course Canaanites, with their homes by the sea. We had been promised a showdown with all these unchosen people, especially the sons of Amalek.

#30: Caleb was the resident Donald Rumsfeld. He was confident that their mission would be short work.

#31: The other spies were naysayers. They said the Israelites couldn't compete against those whom God wanted them to oust.

#32: "And they brought up an evil report of the land which they had searched unto the children of Israel, saying, The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature." Not sure if "evil report" means it was a lie, an exaggeration, or just bad news.

#33: It does sound a little fishy: "And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight." But that wouldn't the first thing here that sounds a little fishy.

Numbers 12

2008-02-18T09:55:00.015-05:00

1 And Miriam and Aaron spake against Moses because of the Ethiopian woman whom he had married: for he had married an Ethiopian woman.

2 And they said, Hath the LORD indeed spoken only by Moses? hath he not spoken also by us? And the LORD heard it.

3 (Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.)

4 And the LORD spake suddenly unto Moses, and unto Aaron, and unto Miriam, Come out ye three unto the tabernacle of the congregation. And they three came out.

5 And the LORD came down in the pillar of the cloud, and stood in the door of the tabernacle, and called Aaron and Miriam: and they both came forth.

6 And he said, Hear now my words: If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will make myself known unto him in a vision, and will speak unto him in a dream.

7 My servant Moses is not so, who is faithful in all mine house.

8 With him will I speak mouth to mouth, even apparently, and not in dark speeches; and the similitude of the LORD shall he behold: wherefore then were ye not afraid to speak against my servant Moses?

9 And the anger of the LORD was kindled against them; and he departed.

10 And the cloud departed from off the tabernacle; and, behold, Miriam became leprous, white as snow: and Aaron looked upon Miriam, and, behold, she was leprous.

11 And Aaron said unto Moses, Alas, my lord, I beseech thee, lay not the sin upon us, wherein we have done foolishly, and wherein we have sinned.

12 Let her not be as one dead, of whom the flesh is half consumed when he cometh out of his mother's womb.

13 And Moses cried unto the LORD, saying, Heal her now, O God, I beseech thee.

14 And the LORD said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days? let her be shut out from the camp seven days, and after that let her be received in again.

15 And Miriam was shut out from the camp seven days: and the people journeyed not till Miriam was brought in again.

16 And afterward the people removed from Hazeroth, and pitched in the wilderness of Paran.

You can't tell the players without a scorecard. Or with an infallible book.

Not only are we struggling to keep straight the name of Moses' father-in-law, the ethnicity and singularity of his wife now come into question. Could it be that Moses has two wives?

In the -- Book of Exodus, in the process of Moses' exile from Egypt, he begins working for Jethro as a shepherd. Consequently he meets Zipporah (meaning female/little bird), and marries her, and they have two sons, Gershom, and Eliezer.

Zipporah also features in a much more curious, and much-debated, passage (Exodus 4:24-27). The passage concerning Moses and Zipporah reach an inn, contains four of the most difficult sentences in Biblical text. One possible interpretation is that something (perhaps God, perhaps an agent of God) tries to kill Moses, until Zipporah carries out a circumcision. (Other interpretations suggest that it is their son, Gershom, who is attacked.) Yet another is that Moses tried to kill his own son and only after Zipporah cut the child's foreskin, drawing blood and pain, did his anger subside.

A third reference to a wife of Moses occurs in the story of Aaron and Miriam's complaints, at Numbers 12:1, where his wife is described as a Cushite, but is not named. Since Zipporah is a Midianite, some early sources, such as Josephus in his Jewish Antiquities 2.10-11, and the Targum Pseudo-Jonathan, as well as modern biblical criticism, have stated that they were different individuals, particularly since bigamy was legal, and practiced elsewhere by Jacob, a major patriarch. Nevertheless, a traditional Jewish and Christian view has been that they are both the same woman, the Cushite reference being only a metaphorical one concerning the perceived beauty of the Cushites, or the fact that the color of the Cushite was subjective, just like her beauty.

Two wives suggests two fathers-in-law, as well. Could Jethro and "Raguel"/"Reuel" be different people? I gather that Bible scholars don't think so, but my concern is what's on the page (as opposed to the history), and what's on the page is damned confusing. And, once again, rather misogynistic.

And speaking of sentences that start with "And," I'm long overdue in commenting on how many O.T. chapters begin with that conjunction. And, yes, I start a lot of sentences with "and," but this is a little too avant-garde for my taste. And it makes the Pentateuch seem like one long, run-on ramble. And so it goes....

#1: Miriam and Aaron speak ill of their brother, Moses, because of "the Ethiopian woman whom he had married: for he had married an Ethiopian woman."

#2: Then they said "Hath the LORD indeed spoken only by Moses? hath he not spoken also by us? And the LORD heard it." I'm not sure about that last sentence (the Lord presumably hears himself speak). Also, I don't recall God ever speaking to Miriam. In any case, they're jealous of Moses' special relationship with YHWH, in addition to the apparent racism or xenophobia that has them privately (well, except for God who hears that) trashtalking about Mrs. Moses.

#3: We're told (again) that "Moses was very meek." Meeker, in fact, than "all the men which were upon the face of the earth." Sure. This is the guy whose first act as a young man was a vigilante killing, who stood up to Pharaoh, and who not infrequently tells God what to do.

#4: Yahweh suddenly tells Moses, Aaron, and Miriam to join him at the tabernacle.

#5: He descended on "the pillar of the cloud, and stood in the door of the tabernacle, and called Aaron and Miriam: and they both came forth."

#6: He asked "If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will make myself known unto him in a vision, and will speak unto him in a dream."

#7: He says "not so" about his faithful "servant," Moses. Not sure what that means. That Moses is not a prophet? That even if he is one, God won't speak to him in a dream?

#8: "With him" (presumably, Moses), YHWH will "speak mouth to mouth" (here's a tip, your lordliness: mouth-to-ear works better), and "not in dark speeches." I take that to mean that God rides the straight-talk express with Moe, rather than confounding him with riddlesome dreams. Moses even gets to look at the Lord (this, of course, has been an on-again-off-again story element), so why, he asks, weren't his sibs afraid to dis him?

#9: Yahwah's anger percolated, and he left.

#10: As the cloud lifted, ""Miriam became leprous, white as snow." And Aaron? Unpunished, apparently. It's good to be male!

#11: "And Aaron said unto Moses, Alas, my lord..." (Was this meant as "milord"? Was he avowing that his brother is a demigod? Or was he just using Moses as a conduit, like Demi Moore kissing Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost?). Anyway, he begged not to have the "foolish" sin punished, even though he personally didn't have a mark on him. In its way, this is one of the more noble things I've read in this book — a man being deeply troubled that a vengeful, supernatural creature has grievously harmed his sister to punish some indiscreet conversation that he was a party to.

#12: Aaron doesn't want his sister to be like a grotesque, stillborn baby.

#13: Moses relays the message, begging YHWH, "Heal her now, O God, I beseech thee."

#14: The Lord asks "If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days?" (I would expect the answer should be "no," but I guess I'm just not down with the whole patriarchal thing.) God says to keep her out of the camp for a week. After that, one surmises she'll be cured, but that's not stated anywhere here.

#15: So, for a week, she's kept apart from the camp.

#16: "And afterward the people removed from Hazeroth, and pitched in the wilderness of Paran." This is a little confusing, too. In Numbers 10, the tabernacle parking-space marking clouds settled in Paran, and in Exodus 11, the people headed to Hazeroth. Are they backtracking?

Numbers 11

2008-02-17T09:15:00.008-05:00

1 And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp.

2 And the people cried unto Moses; and when Moses prayed unto the LORD, the fire was quenched.

3 And he called the name of the place Taberah: because the fire of the LORD burnt among them.

4 And the mixt multitude that was among them fell a lusting: and the children of Israel also wept again, and said, Who shall give us flesh to eat?

5 We remember the fish, which we did eat in Egypt freely; the cucumbers, and the melons, and the leeks, and the onions, and the garlick:

6 But now our soul is dried away: there is nothing at all, beside this manna, before our eyes.

7 And the manna was as coriander seed, and the colour thereof as the colour of bdellium.

8 And the people went about, and gathered it, and ground it in mills, or beat it in a mortar, and baked it in pans, and made cakes of it: and the taste of it was as the taste of fresh oil.

9 And when the dew fell upon the camp in the night, the manna fell upon it.

10 Then Moses heard the people weep throughout their families, every man in the door of his tent: and the anger of the LORD was kindled greatly; Moses also was displeased.

11 And Moses said unto the LORD, Wherefore hast thou afflicted thy servant? and wherefore have I not found favour in thy sight, that thou layest the burden of all this people upon me?

12 Have I conceived all this people? have I begotten them, that thou shouldest say unto me, Carry them in thy bosom, as a nursing father beareth the sucking child, unto the land which thou swarest unto their fathers?

13 Whence should I have flesh to give unto all this people? for they weep unto me, saying, Give us flesh, that we may eat.

14 I am not able to bear all this people alone, because it is too heavy for me.

15 And if thou deal thus with me, kill me, I pray thee, out of hand, if I have found favour in thy sight; and let me not see my wretchedness.

16 And the LORD said unto Moses, Gather unto me seventy men of the elders of Israel, whom thou knowest to be the elders of the people, and officers over them; and bring them unto the tabernacle of the congregation, that they may stand there with thee.

17 And I will come down and talk with thee there: and I will take of the spirit which is upon thee, and will put it upon them; and they shall bear the burden of the people with thee, that thou bear it not thyself alone.

18 And say thou unto the people, Sanctify yourselves against to morrow, and ye shall eat flesh: for ye have wept in the ears of the LORD, saying, Who shall give us flesh to eat? for it was well with us in Egypt: therefore the LORD will give you flesh, and ye shall eat.

19 Ye shall not eat one day, nor two days, nor five days, neither ten days, nor twenty days;

20 But even a whole month, until it come out at your nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you: because that ye have despised the LORD which is among you, and have wept before him, saying, Why came we forth out of Egypt?

21 And Moses said, The people, among whom I am, are six hundred thousand footmen; and thou hast said, I will give them flesh, that they may eat a whole month.

22 Shall the flocks and the herds be slain for them, to suffice them? or shall all the fish of the sea be gathered together for them, to suffice them?

23 And the LORD said unto Moses, Is the LORD's hand waxed short? thou shalt see now whether my word shall come to pass unto thee or not.

24 And Moses went out, and told the people the words of the LORD, and gathered the seventy men of the elders of the people, and set them round about the tabernacle.

25 And the LORD came down in a cloud, and spake unto him, and took of the spirit that was upon him, and gave it unto the seventy elders: and it came to pass, that, when the spirit rested upon them, they prophesied, and did not cease.

26 But there remained two of the men in the camp, the name of the one was Eldad, and the name of the other Medad: and the spirit rested upon them; and they were of them that were written, but went not out unto the tabernacle: and they prophesied in the camp.

27 And there ran a young man, and told Moses, and said, Eldad and Medad do prophesy in the camp.

28 And Joshua the son of Nun, the servant of Moses, one of his young men, answered and said, My lord Moses, forbid them.

29 And Moses said unto him, Enviest thou for my sake? would God that all the LORD's people were prophets, and that the LORD would put his spirit upon them!

30 And Moses gat him into the camp, he and the elders of Israel.

31 And there went forth a wind from the LORD, and brought quails from the sea, and let them fall by the camp, as it were a day's journey on this side, and as it were a day's journey on the other side, round about the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the face of the earth.

32 And the people stood up all that day, and all that night, and all the next day, and they gathered the quails: he that gathered least gathered ten homers: and they spread them all abroad for themselves round about the camp.

33 And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague.

34 And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted.

35 And the people journeyed from Kibrothhattaavah unto Hazeroth; and abode at Hazeroth.

#1: The people bitched, and it pissed off the Lord. "... his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp." (Not sure why the people on the outskirts got the old theo-thermal treatment — is that where the gripers hung out, like the cut-ups in the back of a schoolroom?)

#2: "And the people cried unto Moses; and when Moses prayed unto the LORD, the fire was quenched." (It's a merciful God. He might have toasted more of 'em for bellyaching about the burning).

#3: God (at least I think that's the "he" in this context) "called the name of the place Taberah: because the fire of the LORD burnt among them." (Parents could use this uplifting little lesson: "Quiet down, you kids, or we'll take you to Taberah — where they burn complainers." I am so learning about love, compassion, and forgiveness from this book!)

#4: The motley crew started "lusting" and weeping for some meat.

#5: They remembered the good eatin' to be had in Egypt: fish, cukes, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic.

#6: "But now our soul is dried away: there is nothing at all, beside this manna, before our eyes." (With the smell of God-smoked Israelites still in the air, do they really want to go there?)

#7: "And the manna was as coriander seed, and the colour thereof as the colour of bdellium." (Is this part of the complaint? "I won't eat this crap — it's the color of bdellium!")

#8: The people went about gathering it and making mannacakes, which tasted like "fresh oil." (Delish!)

#9: And the manna fell from the dew. (Where is the dew when this happens?)

#10: Yahweh was furious about the weeping of the meat-lusters, and "Moses also was displeased."

#11: Moses gripes to God, "Wherefore hast thou afflicted thy servant? and wherefore have I not found favour in thy sight, that thou layest the burden of all this people upon me?"

#12: Moe turns the drama-queen thing up to 11: "Have I conceived all this people? have I begotten them, that thou shouldest say unto me, Carry them in thy bosom, as a nursing father beareth the sucking child, unto the land which thou swarest unto their fathers?" (Nursing father? Hang on, I gotta go check something in my biology textbook....)

#13: When, Moses asks, will he have the meat to feed these whiny people? (When he stops ritually slaughtering livestock, perhaps?)

#14: God's assistant is reaching the breaking point: "I am not able to bear all this people alone, because it is too heavy for me."

#15: Just shoot me, sez Moses.

#16: The Lord tells Moses to round up 70 elders, and bring 'em to the tabernacle.

#17: He'll talk with them there, and he'll shift the burden to those dudes.

#18: YHWH also tells Moses to advise the people to "Sanctify yourselves against to morrow, and ye shall eat flesh: for ye have wept in the ears of the LORD, saying, Who shall give us flesh to eat? for it was well with us in Egypt: therefore the LORD will give you flesh, and ye shall eat." (So, this time the squeaky wheel got the grease instead of the lighter fluid. Not sure what the difference was, other than Moses interceding on behalf of the Gloomy Guses. In any case, God is generous. Hooray!)

#19: He says they'll have meat for more than 1, 2, 5, 10, or 20 days. (Hooray!)

#20: It will be for "a whole month, until it come out at their nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you: because that ye have despised the LORD which is among you, and have wept before him, saying, Why came we forth out of Egypt?" (Oops! What's Hebrew for "Be careful what you wish for"?)

#21: Moses points out that his army consists of "six hundred thousand footmen."

#22: He asks if he should slaughter the "flocks and the herds" or gather "all the fish of the sea" to handle this massive deli order.

#23: Yahweh gets sarcastic: "Is the LORD's hand waxed short? thou shalt see now whether my word shall come to pass unto thee or not."

#24: Moses tells the people what the Lord said (including the part about the nostrils?), and he brought together the 70 elders at the tabernacle.

#25: YHWH swings by in a cloud, and he turned Moses' spirit into what smells like 70 old guys with team spirit.

#26: Two elders, Eldad (excellent name for an elder) and Medad (not too bad, either) didn't go to the tabernacle, but "the spirit rested upon them," too. "They prophesied in the camp." (Not sure how to take that last bit. Were they prophets already? Did the "spirit" make them so? And why didn't they show up at the tabernacle... because they already knew what would happen?)

#27: "And there ran a young man, and told Moses, and said, Eldad and Medad do prophesy in the camp." (I guess Moses doesn't need to be prophetic if deus ex machina characters rush in and tell him what's what.)

#28: Joshua, Moses's Ephraimite servent said "My lord Moses, forbid them."

#29: But Moses asks why Josh is envious on his behalf. Moe wishes that all of the chosen people were prophets filled with God's spirit.

#30: Moses and the elders returned to the camp (Apparently, the area around the tabernacle isn't considered part of the camp).

#31: A wind arose, bringing quails from the sea into the camp. They were piled two-cubits high for as long as one could walk on a day, all around the camp.

#32: The people gathered up some birds.

#33: While the people prepared to chew on the poultry, Yahweh suddenly got furious again and "smote the people with a very great plague." (Apparently, 30 days of meat coming out of their nostrils wasn't tough love enough for the kvetching Israelites.)

#34: "And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted." (So how many of "the people" did he smite?" Is that what he "chose" these people for?)

#35: "And the people journeyed from Kibrothhattaavah unto Hazeroth; and abode at Hazeroth." (If I were them, I would definitely look up what Hazeroth means.)

Numbers 10

2008-02-17T07:15:00.005-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Make thee two trumpets of silver; of a whole piece shalt thou make them: that thou mayest use them for the calling of the assembly, and for the journeying of the camps.

3 And when they shall blow with them, all the assembly shall assemble themselves to thee at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.

4 And if they blow but with one trumpet, then the princes, which are heads of the thousands of Israel, shall gather themselves unto thee.

5 When ye blow an alarm, then the camps that lie on the east parts shall go forward.

6 When ye blow an alarm the second time, then the camps that lie on the south side shall take their journey: they shall blow an alarm for their journeys.

7 But when the congregation is to be gathered together, ye shall blow, but ye shall not sound an alarm.

8 And the sons of Aaron, the priests, shall blow with the trumpets; and they shall be to you for an ordinance for ever throughout your generations.

9 And if ye go to war in your land against the enemy that oppresseth you, then ye shall blow an alarm with the trumpets; and ye shall be remembered before the LORD your God, and ye shall be saved from your enemies.

10 Also in the day of your gladness, and in your solemn days, and in the beginnings of your months, ye shall blow with the trumpets over your burnt offerings, and over the sacrifices of your peace offerings; that they may be to you for a memorial before your God: I am the LORD your God.

11 And it came to pass on the twentieth day of the second month, in the second year, that the cloud was taken up from off the tabernacle of the testimony.

12 And the children of Israel took their journeys out of the wilderness of Sinai; and the cloud rested in the wilderness of Paran.

13 And they first took their journey according to the commandment of the LORD by the hand of Moses.

14 In the first place went the standard of the camp of the children of Judah according to their armies: and over his host was Nahshon the son of Amminadab.

15 And over the host of the tribe of the children of Issachar was Nethaneel the son of Zuar.

16 And over the host of the tribe of the children of Zebulun was Eliab the son of Helon.

17 And the tabernacle was taken down; and the sons of Gershon and the sons of Merari set forward, bearing the tabernacle.

18 And the standard of the camp of Reuben set forward according to their armies: and over his host was Elizur the son of Shedeur.

19 And over the host of the tribe of the children of Simeon was Shelumiel the son of Zurishaddai.

20 And over the host of the tribe of the children of Gad was Eliasaph the son of Deuel.

21 And the Kohathites set forward, bearing the sanctuary: and the other did set up the tabernacle against they came.

22 And the standard of the camp of the children of Ephraim set forward according to their armies: and over his host was Elishama the son of Ammihud.

23 And over the host of the tribe of the children of Manasseh was Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur.

24 And over the host of the tribe of the children of Benjamin was Abidan the son of Gideoni.

25 And the standard of the camp of the children of Dan set forward, which was the rereward of all the camps throughout their hosts: and over his host was Ahiezer the son of Ammishaddai.

26 And over the host of the tribe of the children of Asher was Pagiel the son of Ocran.

27 And over the host of the tribe of the children of Naphtali was Ahira the son of Enan.

28 Thus were the journeyings of the children of Israel according to their armies, when they set forward.

29 And Moses said unto Hobab, the son of Raguel the Midianite, Moses' father in law, We are journeying unto the place of which the LORD said, I will give it you: come thou with us, and we will do thee good: for the LORD hath spoken good concerning Israel.

30 And he said unto him, I will not go; but I will depart to mine own land, and to my kindred.

31 And he said, Leave us not, I pray thee; forasmuch as thou knowest how we are to encamp in the wilderness, and thou mayest be to us instead of eyes.

32 And it shall be, if thou go with us, yea, it shall be, that what goodness the LORD shall do unto us, the same will we do unto thee.

33 And they departed from the mount of the LORD three days' journey: and the ark of the covenant of the LORD went before them in the three days' journey, to search out a resting place for them.

34 And the cloud of the LORD was upon them by day, when they went out of the camp.

35 And it came to pass, when the ark set forward, that Moses said, Rise up, LORD, and let thine enemies be scattered; and let them that hate thee flee before thee.

36 And when it rested, he said, Return, O LORD, unto the many thousands of Israel.

#1: YHWH tells Moses...

#2: To make two trumpets and call for assemblies and journeys with them...

#3: When you blow them, all 600,000 or 2,000,000 (not sure if the womenfolk and males out of the age range qualify) not only will hear the call (loud horns, close-packed people, or awesome wilderness acoustics), they'll manage to gather by the tent entrance (very close-packed people).

#4: A one-trumpet call means just the princes should come.

#5: "When ye blow an alarm, then the camps that lie on the east parts shall go forward." I'm not sure how an alarm is sounded, as opposed to a come-hither to the tabernacle, but maybe that was common knowledge back then. (Moses and Aaron are on the east-side, FWIW).

#6: On the second alarm, the south-side (the baddest part of camp) starts skedaddling. (That's where the rest of the Kohathites are. Not sure what the Northerners and Westerners are supposed to do).

#7: To gather the congregation, the horn shouldn't be so alarming (maybe a little Wynton Marsalis?).

#8: Aaron's sons shall forever be the trumpeters (East-side rulez!).

#9: If there's a war, blow an alarm, and God will remember you and save you.

#10: Blow the trumpets for most every occasion: "in the day of your gladness, and in your solemn days, and in the beginnings of your months, ye shall blow with the trumpets over your burnt offerings, and over the sacrifices of your peace offerings; that they may be to you for a memorial before your God: I am the LORD your God." (That's a swell idea, using your alert system 24/7 for ceremonial purposes. I'm sure that will make people especially attentive to the emergencies).

#11: On the twentieth of the second month of the second year, the cloud moved off the tabernacle...

#12: And relocated to "the wilderness of Paran."

#13: The Israelites took their first trip, just as God told Moses to tell them.

#14-27: The "hosts" of 12 tribes are identified. But, it's not one tribe/host for each of Israel's sons (and let's not mention the one daughter; Mr. Bible Writer Man certainly doesn't). Eleven of Jake's sons are accounted for with tribal hosts, with Joseph being represented twice, via the Ephraimites and the Manassehites. Moses and Aaron's gang, the Levites, just schlep the big tent around (the Gershon and Merari branches) and pitch it (the Kohathites) when they catch up to the cloudy marker. Looks like Kohath boys Moe and Double-A don't get to wear an "H" on their jerseys, and ditto for all the Gershes and Merars.

#28: "Thus were the journeyings of the children of Israel according to their armies, when they set forward." (Armies? Man, this is worse than any Florida real-estate scam. We answer an ad for "Promised Land," and now we're all in the army?)

#29: Moses tells Hobab, son of Raguel (the father-in-law formerly known as "Jethro") that they're going to that terrific tract where life is good.

#30: Hobab says "No dice." He's going back home.

#31: Moe begs Hobab to stay on and serve as a guide.

#32: And when the Lord does good stuff for us, we'll do the same to you. (Moses sounds like a pretty good brother-in-law).

#33: For three days, they went looking for new digs, the ark of the covenant at the front. They searched for a resting place. (But wasn't the cloud showing them the way? Seems like Ouija in reverse: they're nominally searching but are really guided by the supernatural.)

#34: "And the cloud of the LORD was upon them by day, when they went out of the camp." (100% chance of clouds. What is this, Seattle?)

#35: Moses barks orders at the Big Guy: "Rise up, LORD, and let thine enemies be scattered; and let them that hate thee flee before thee." (Remember when he was the timid speaker who need his brother to be his mouthpiece?)

#36: "And when it rested, he said, Return, O LORD, unto the many thousands of Israel." ("It rested," presumably means when the ark roadies set it down. Not sure what Moses means by "return," though. Does he mean that Yahweh should take a break from fucking up our enemies, and show us some love on the [temporary] home front? Or something else?)

Numbers 9

2008-02-14T20:19:00.013-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses in the wilderness of Sinai, in the first month of the second year after they were come out of the land of Egypt, saying,

2 Let the children of Israel also keep the passover at his appointed season.

3 In the fourteenth day of this month, at even, ye shall keep it in his appointed season: according to all the rites of it, and according to all the ceremonies thereof, shall ye keep it.

4 And Moses spake unto the children of Israel, that they should keep the passover.

5 And they kept the passover on the fourteenth day of the first month at even in the wilderness of Sinai: according to all that the LORD commanded Moses, so did the children of Israel.

6 And there were certain men, who were defiled by the dead body of a man, that they could not keep the passover on that day: and they came before Moses and before Aaron on that day:

7 And those men said unto him, We are defiled by the dead body of a man: wherefore are we kept back, that we may not offer an offering of the LORD in his appointed season among the children of Israel?

8 And Moses said unto them, Stand still, and I will hear what the LORD will command concerning you.

9 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

10 Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If any man of you or of your posterity shall be unclean by reason of a dead body, or be in a journey afar off, yet he shall keep the passover unto the LORD.

11 The fourteenth day of the second month at even they shall keep it, and eat it with unleavened bread and bitter herbs.

12 They shall leave none of it unto the morning, nor break any bone of it: according to all the ordinances of the passover they shall keep it.

13 But the man that is clean, and is not in a journey, and forbeareth to keep the passover, even the same soul shall be cut off from among his people: because he brought not the offering of the LORD in his appointed season, that man shall bear his sin.

14 And if a stranger shall sojourn among you, and will keep the passover unto the LORD; according to the ordinance of the passover, and according to the manner thereof, so shall he do: ye shall have one ordinance, both for the stranger, and for him that was born in the land.

15 And on the day that the tabernacle was reared up the cloud covered the tabernacle, namely, the tent of the testimony: and at even there was upon the tabernacle as it were the appearance of fire, until the morning.

16 So it was alway: the cloud covered it by day, and the appearance of fire by night.

17 And when the cloud was taken up from the tabernacle, then after that the children of Israel journeyed: and in the place where the cloud abode, there the children of Israel pitched their tents.

18 At the commandment of the LORD the children of Israel journeyed, and at the commandment of the LORD they pitched: as long as the cloud abode upon the tabernacle they rested in their tents.

19 And when the cloud tarried long upon the tabernacle many days, then the children of Israel kept the charge of the LORD, and journeyed not.

20 And so it was, when the cloud was a few days upon the tabernacle; according to the commandment of the LORD they abode in their tents, and according to the commandment of the LORD they journeyed.

21 And so it was, when the cloud abode from even unto the morning, and that the cloud was taken up in the morning, then they journeyed: whether it was by day or by night that the cloud was taken up, they journeyed.

22 Or whether it were two days, or a month, or a year, that the cloud tarried upon the tabernacle, remaining thereon, the children of Israel abode in their tents, and journeyed not: but when it was taken up, they journeyed.

23 At the commandment of the LORD they rested in the tents, and at the commandment of the LORD they journeyed: they kept the charge of the LORD, at the commandment of the LORD by the hand of Moses.

Time keeps on sticking, sticking, sticking.

It seems like only yesterday, 45 chapters back in Exodus 40, we were told that "it came to pass in the first month in the second year, on the first day of the month, that the tabernacle was reared up."

After we larned us some Leviticus and landed in chapter 1 of Numbers, our calendars were synchronized on "the first day of the second month, in the second year after they were come out of the land of Egypt." Hmm....

And here in Numbers 9 (psst: backwards it says "turn me on, deadman"), we're still in the first fortnight of the first month of the second year in the wilderness.

But, we'll soldier on through that light-speed whiplash and see what's what here....

Another reminder to celebrate the blessed slaughter of Egyptian firstborns (i.e., Passover).

If you were defiled by the deceased (a turned-on deadman?), take note of the special Passover tips just for folks in your predicament.

The same rules apply if you're just out town. Even the Accidental Tourist didn't equate travel with being raped by a corpse. In contrast, the Sloop John B was a pleasure cruise, though shipping up to Boston and losing your leg is a pretty rough ride in its own right. But I digress....

Some who were defiled by the dead came up to Moses and said, oddly enough, "We are defiled by the dead...." Then Moses put them on hold and waited to hear God's instructions, which were forthcoming.

The travelers and dead-body touchers/touchees need to eat unleavened bread and bitter herbs with their Passover meat and finish it that night... without breaking any of its bones.

Not sure how that differs from the ordinary practice. Perhaps a simpler ritual? Are they forgiven if they don't get around to observing the holiday?

Clean men at home who don't observe Passover are excommunicated.

If you have guests from out-of-town, they participate, as well.

On that Passover day, a cloud covered the tabernacle, and that night it looked as if it were on fire? (Did they have fire marshals back then? Did anyone try to put it out?)

Anyway, no big deal, since that cloud-and-flame show was an everyday event, like fireworks at a Disney theme park. A friendly tip, Yahweh: after a while, people get a little bored with even the best FX. It's just human nature. Actually, maybe you figured that out, and that's why you stopped doing miracles before we had things like video cameras.

As we know, when the clouds clear, it's time to traipse around — to God-knows-where (and God-shows-where, via the clouds) — with the tabernacle.

Numbers 8

2008-02-12T19:04:00.000-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto Aaron and say unto him, When thou lightest the lamps, the seven lamps shall give light over against the candlestick.

3 And Aaron did so; he lighted the lamps thereof over against the candlestick, as the LORD commanded Moses.

4 And this work of the candlestick was of beaten gold, unto the shaft thereof, unto the flowers thereof, was beaten work: according unto the pattern which the LORD had shewed Moses, so he made the candlestick.

5 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

6 Take the Levites from among the children of Israel, and cleanse them.

7 And thus shalt thou do unto them, to cleanse them: Sprinkle water of purifying upon them, and let them shave all their flesh, and let them wash their clothes, and so make themselves clean.

8 Then let them take a young bullock with his meat offering, even fine flour mingled with oil, and another young bullock shalt thou take for a sin offering.

9 And thou shalt bring the Levites before the tabernacle of the congregation: and thou shalt gather the whole assembly of the children of Israel together:

10 And thou shalt bring the Levites before the LORD: and the children of Israel shall put their hands upon the Levites:

11 And Aaron shall offer the Levites before the LORD for an offering of the children of Israel, that they may execute the service of the LORD.

12 And the Levites shall lay their hands upon the heads of the bullocks: and thou shalt offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, unto the LORD, to make an atonement for the Levites.

13 And thou shalt set the Levites before Aaron, and before his sons, and offer them for an offering unto the LORD.

14 Thus shalt thou separate the Levites from among the children of Israel: and the Levites shall be mine.

15 And after that shall the Levites go in to do the service of the tabernacle of the congregation: and thou shalt cleanse them, and offer them for an offering.

16 For they are wholly given unto me from among the children of Israel; instead of such as open every womb, even instead of the firstborn of all the children of Israel, have I taken them unto me.

17 For all the firstborn of the children of Israel are mine, both man and beast: on the day that I smote every firstborn in the land of Egypt I sanctified them for myself.

18 And I have taken the Levites for all the firstborn of the children of Israel.

19 And I have given the Levites as a gift to Aaron and to his sons from among the children of Israel, to do the service of the children of Israel in the tabernacle of the congregation, and to make an atonement for the children of Israel: that there be no plague among the children of Israel, when the children of Israel come nigh unto the sanctuary.

20 And Moses, and Aaron, and all the congregation of the children of Israel, did to the Levites according unto all that the LORD commanded Moses concerning the Levites, so did the children of Israel unto them.

21 And the Levites were purified, and they washed their clothes; and Aaron offered them as an offering before the LORD; and Aaron made an atonement for them to cleanse them.

22 And after that went the Levites in to do their service in the tabernacle of the congregation before Aaron, and before his sons: as the LORD had commanded Moses concerning the Levites, so did they unto them.

23 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

24 This is it that belongeth unto the Levites: from twenty and five years old and upward they shall go in to wait upon the service of the tabernacle of the congregation:

25 And from the age of fifty years they shall cease waiting upon the service thereof, and shall serve no more:

26 But shall minister with their brethren in the tabernacle of the congregation, to keep the charge, and shall do no service. Thus shalt thou do unto the Levites touching their charge.

Yahweh formally stakes His claim over the Levites and lets the rest of Israel's firstborn males go, at least as far as the usual total servitude to Him is concerned.

The Levites get washed up and get a full-body Brazilian (no Nazarites among them?).

The two-million Israelites put their meat hooks on the heads of God's new slaves, and then the Levites put theirs on some critters who have to contend with the more serious kind of meat hooks.

Then "they" get cleansed. The animals? The Levites again? Are they getting spiritually cleansed?

God's newest acquisitions are "an atonement for the children of Israel."

And now, an Annie Hall break:

Mom Hall: How do you plan to spend the holidays, Mrs. Singer?
Alvy's Mom: We fast.
Dad Hall: Fast?
Alvy's Dad: No food. You know, to atone for our sins.
Mom Hall: What sins? I don't understand.
Alvy's Dad: To tell you the truth, neither do we.

It's a good deal for the Israelites, because they keep their sons and won't get the plague when they come to the sanctuary. Does that mean they won't catch it there, or if they go to temple, they won't get the plague anywhere?

And it's a good deal for Aaron, because YHWH signs the lease on these newbies over to him.

The Levites aged 25-50 "wait upon the service of the tabernacle of the congregation."

Over that age, they "shall minister with their brethren in the tabernacle of the congregation, to keep the charge, and shall do no service." I'm not strictly sure what "keep the charge" means. My best quasi-informed guess is they help hold religious services but don't do other "services."

Day of atonement

2008-02-05T11:38:00.000-05:00

Please join me at http://www.dayofshame.com to commemorate the fifth anniversary of Colin Powell's fateful U.N. presentation.

Numbers 7

2008-01-31T06:48:00.001-05:00

1 And it came to pass on the day that Moses had fully set up the tabernacle, and had anointed it, and sanctified it, and all the instruments thereof, both the altar and all the vessels thereof, and had anointed them, and sanctified them;

2 That the princes of Israel, heads of the house of their fathers, who were the princes of the tribes, and were over them that were numbered, offered:

3 And they brought their offering before the LORD, six covered wagons, and twelve oxen; a wagon for two of the princes, and for each one an ox: and they brought them before the tabernacle.

4 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

5 Take it of them, that they may be to do the service of the tabernacle of the congregation; and thou shalt give them unto the Levites, to every man according to his service.

6 And Moses took the wagons and the oxen, and gave them unto the Levites.

7 Two wagons and four oxen he gave unto the sons of Gershon, according to their service:

8 And four wagons and eight oxen he gave unto the sons of Merari, according unto their service, under the hand of Ithamar the son of Aaron the priest.

9 But unto the sons of Kohath he gave none: because the service of the sanctuary belonging unto them was that they should bear upon their shoulders.

10 And the princes offered for dedicating of the altar in the day that it was anointed, even the princes offered their offering before the altar.

11 And the LORD said unto Moses, They shall offer their offering, each prince on his day, for the dedicating of the altar.

12 And he that offered his offering the first day was Nahshon the son of Amminadab, of the tribe of Judah:

13 And his offering was one silver charger, the weight thereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them were full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

14 One spoon of ten shekels of gold, full of incense:

15 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

16 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

17 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Nahshon the son of Amminadab.

18 On the second day Nethaneel the son of Zuar, prince of Issachar, did offer:

19 He offered for his offering one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

20 One spoon of gold of ten shekels, full of incense:

21 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

22 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

23 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Nethaneel the son of Zuar.

24 On the third day Eliab the son of Helon, prince of the children of Zebulun, did offer:

25 His offering was one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

26 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

27 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

28 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

29 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Eliab the son of Helon.

30 On the fourth day Elizur the son of Shedeur, prince of the children of Reuben, did offer:

31 His offering was one silver charger of the weight of an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

32 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

33 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

34 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

35 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Elizur the son of Shedeur.

36 On the fifth day Shelumiel the son of Zurishaddai, prince of the children of Simeon, did offer:

37 His offering was one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

38 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

39 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

40 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

41 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Shelumiel the son of Zurishaddai.

42 On the sixth day Eliasaph the son of Deuel, prince of the children of Gad, offered:

43 His offering was one silver charger of the weight of an hundred and thirty shekels, a silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

44 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

45 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

46 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

47 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Eliasaph the son of Deuel.

48 On the seventh day Elishama the son of Ammihud, prince of the children of Ephraim, offered:

49 His offering was one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

50 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

51 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

52 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

53 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Elishama the son of Ammihud.

54 On the eighth day offered Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur, prince of the children of Manasseh:

55 His offering was one silver charger of the weight of an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

56 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

57 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

58 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

59 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur.

60 On the ninth day Abidan the son of Gideoni, prince of the children of Benjamin, offered:

61 His offering was one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

62 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

63 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

64 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

65 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Abidan the son of Gideoni.

66 On the tenth day Ahiezer the son of Ammishaddai, prince of the children of Dan, offered:

67 His offering was one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

68 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

69 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

70 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

71 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Ahiezer the son of Ammishaddai.

72 On the eleventh day Pagiel the son of Ocran, prince of the children of Asher, offered:

73 His offering was one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

74 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

75 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

76 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

77 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Pagiel the son of Ocran.

78 On the twelfth day Ahira the son of Enan, prince of the children of Naphtali, offered:

79 His offering was one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

80 One golden spoon of ten shekels, full of incense:

81 One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

82 One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

83 And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Ahira the son of Enan.

84 This was the dedication of the altar, in the day when it was anointed, by the princes of Israel: twelve chargers of silver, twelve silver bowls, twelve spoons of gold:

85 Each charger of silver weighing an hundred and thirty shekels, each bowl seventy: all the silver vessels weighed two thousand and four hundred shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary:

86 The golden spoons were twelve, full of incense, weighing ten shekels apiece, after the shekel of the sanctuary: all the gold of the spoons was an hundred and twenty shekels.

87 All the oxen for the burnt offering were twelve bullocks, the rams twelve, the lambs of the first year twelve, with their meat offering: and the kids of the goats for sin offering twelve.

88 And all the oxen for the sacrifice of the peace offerings were twenty and four bullocks, the rams sixty, the he goats sixty, the lambs of the first year sixty. This was the dedication of the altar, after that it was anointed.

89 And when Moses was gone into the tabernacle of the congregation to speak with him, then he heard the voice of one speaking unto him from off the mercy seat that was upon the ark of testimony, from between the two cherubims: and he spake unto him.

On the day that Moses fully set up the tabernacle (That hadn't happened yet? Or is it just the first day at a new location?), one-two (i.e., twelve) princes kneel before you, Lord, or at least they deliver a shitload of donations to Moses.

For starters: a half-wagon and an ox each. Easier to do than give a whole wagon and a half-ox each.

Moses regifted the wheels and the beasts to the Levites — but none to sons of Kohath, because I guess Moe's own subtribe needed the exercise.

Then, in an act of mind-numbing repetition to rival "The Twelve Days of Christmas," Mr. Bible Writer Man goes all "makes-Jack-a-dull-boy" and gives us a dozen one-a-day laps of a prince giving YHWH a big silver plate and bowl full of oily flour, a golden spoon full of incense, a young bullock (another ox), a ram, a lamb, ~~a dingdong,~~ a kid goat, two more oxen (but these ones are for killin' and grillin'), five more rams, five he-goats, and five more lambs.

No doubt, nothing pleases a crowd of two-million people on a four-decade slog through the wilderness than to watch 252 animals used for a ritual sacrifice. This was, of course, before we had NASCAR.

As the chapter ends, Moses gets a more rarefied show. He enters the tent and hears "the voice of one speaking unto him from off the mercy seat that was upon the ark of testimony, from between the two cherubims: and he spake unto him." For someone who chats it up with God on a regular basis, this doesn't seem that notable. After a while, wouldn't you get a little jaded?

Mea culpa

2008-01-30T12:39:00.001-05:00

Sorry for the break in the action.

Much has been going on on the campaign trail, but with Edwards out of the race, I'm not audacious enough to hope for better than another accommodating triangulator. Still better than an authoritarian sociopath, but I imagine I'll get more busy here, especially after Super Duper Tuesday, which coincides with a solemn holiday well worth remembering.

Anyway, sorry to mix politics in with our religion here, though this post in particular reflects that unhappy convergence, especially for those who think JD Salinger is at least as good as Mr. Bible Writer Man.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming presently, I swear on, um, something. Lucky Numbers 7 should be up with 24 hours.

Numbers 6

2008-01-18T11:47:00.001-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When either man or woman shall separate themselves to vow a vow of a Nazarite, to separate themselves unto the LORD:

3 He shall separate himself from wine and strong drink, and shall drink no vinegar of wine, or vinegar of strong drink, neither shall he drink any liquor of grapes, nor eat moist grapes, or dried.

4 All the days of his separation shall he eat nothing that is made of the vine tree, from the kernels even to the husk.

5 All the days of the vow of his separation there shall no razor come upon his head: until the days be fulfilled, in the which he separateth himself unto the LORD, he shall be holy, and shall let the locks of the hair of his head grow.

6 All the days that he separateth himself unto the LORD he shall come at no dead body.

7 He shall not make himself unclean for his father, or for his mother, for his brother, or for his sister, when they die: because the consecration of his God is upon his head.

8 All the days of his separation he is holy unto the LORD.

9 And if any man die very suddenly by him, and he hath defiled the head of his consecration; then he shall shave his head in the day of his cleansing, on the seventh day shall he shave it.

10 And on the eighth day he shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons, to the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation:

11 And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, and make an atonement for him, for that he sinned by the dead, and shall hallow his head that same day.

12 And he shall consecrate unto the LORD the days of his separation, and shall bring a lamb of the first year for a trespass offering: but the days that were before shall be lost, because his separation was defiled.

13 And this is the law of the Nazarite, when the days of his separation are fulfilled: he shall be brought unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation:

14 And he shall offer his offering unto the LORD, one he lamb of the first year without blemish for a burnt offering, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish for a sin offering, and one ram without blemish for peace offerings,

15 And a basket of unleavened bread, cakes of fine flour mingled with oil, and wafers of unleavened bread anointed with oil, and their meat offering, and their drink offerings.

16 And the priest shall bring them before the LORD, and shall offer his sin offering, and his burnt offering:

17 And he shall offer the ram for a sacrifice of peace offerings unto the LORD, with the basket of unleavened bread: the priest shall offer also his meat offering, and his drink offering.

18 And the Nazarite shall shave the head of his separation at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and shall take the hair of the head of his separation, and put it in the fire which is under the sacrifice of the peace offerings.

19 And the priest shall take the sodden shoulder of the ram, and one unleavened cake out of the basket, and one unleavened wafer, and shall put them upon the hands of the Nazarite, after the hair of his separation is shaven:

20 And the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD: this is holy for the priest, with the wave breast and heave shoulder: and after that the Nazarite may drink wine.

21 This is the law of the Nazarite who hath vowed, and of his offering unto the LORD for his separation, beside that that his hand shall get: according to the vow which he vowed, so he must do after the law of his separation.

22 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

23 Speak unto Aaron and unto his sons, saying, On this wise ye shall bless the children of Israel, saying unto them,

24 The LORD bless thee, and keep thee:

25 The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee:

26 The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.

27 And they shall put my name upon the children of Israel, and I will bless them.

YHWH tells Moses to tell the Israelites some details about pledging themselves to God as "Nazirites."

If they take the plunge, they have to swear off the following: alcohol and all grape-based products, cutting their hair, and touching corpses. (Well, there go my weekend plans!)

But you know how sometimes you just can't help getting up close and personal with a dead person? Like the time a bouncer at Carol Doda's club was crushed to death during an after-hours liaison with a dancer. The "floating" piano accidentally lifted and pinned him to the ceiling. She survived, spending the night sandwiched between the piano and the dead man, until the day crew freed her. Variety tastefully titled the story "He Died Smiling."

Well, if you're a Nazirite and that happens to you, you need to shave your head on the seventh day (Seven days after your brush with deadness? I might have thought it meant the seventh day of the week, but for the next instruction). "On the eighth day he shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons, to the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation." Again, the "turtles" are turtledoves to be sacrificed, one each as a sin offering and a burnt offering. Plus, a lamb is sacrificed as a trespass offering.

If you're a Nazarite who's defiled by a cadaver, the days of service before you become born-again don't count. But count for what?

Apparently, at some point you finish your vows and go back to your normal life in the wilderness with two million other Israelites. And you can resume drinking wine, perhaps to self-medicate against the madness of forty-years of limbo.

When you've served your hitch, you bring in a ram, a lamb, ~~a ding-dong~~, and a ewe to the tabernacle to be sacrificed, along with an assortment of pastries.

At the ceremony, you shave your hair and burn it.

After you shed those long locks and carry out the rest of the ritual, God will shed his grace on thee, and on the Israelites in general.

Numbers 5

2008-01-17T10:54:00.000-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Command the children of Israel, that they put out of the camp every leper, and every one that hath an issue, and whosoever is defiled by the dead:

3 Both male and female shall ye put out, without the camp shall ye put them; that they defile not their camps, in the midst whereof I dwell.

4 And the children of Israel did so, and put them out without the camp: as the LORD spake unto Moses, so did the children of Israel.

5 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

6 Speak unto the children of Israel, When a man or woman shall commit any sin that men commit, to do a trespass against the LORD, and that person be guilty;

7 Then they shall confess their sin which they have done: and he shall recompense his trespass with the principal thereof, and add unto it the fifth part thereof, and give it unto him against whom he hath trespassed.

8 But if the man have no kinsman to recompense the trespass unto, let the trespass be recompensed unto the LORD, even to the priest; beside the ram of the atonement, whereby an atonement shall be made for him.

9 And every offering of all the holy things of the children of Israel, which they bring unto the priest, shall be his.

10 And every man's hallowed things shall be his: whatsoever any man giveth the priest, it shall be his.

11 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

12 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, If any man's wife go aside, and commit a trespass against him,

13 And a man lie with her carnally, and it be hid from the eyes of her husband, and be kept close, and she be defiled, and there be no witness against her, neither she be taken with the manner;

14 And the spirit of jealousy come upon him, and he be jealous of his wife, and she be defiled: or if the spirit of jealousy come upon him, and he be jealous of his wife, and she be not defiled:

15 Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest, and he shall bring her offering for her, the tenth part of an ephah of barley meal; he shall pour no oil upon it, nor put frankincense thereon; for it is an offering of jealousy, an offering of memorial, bringing iniquity to remembrance.

16 And the priest shall bring her near, and set her before the LORD:

17 And the priest shall take holy water in an earthen vessel; and of the dust that is in the floor of the tabernacle the priest shall take, and put it into the water:

18 And the priest shall set the woman before the LORD, and uncover the woman's head, and put the offering of memorial in her hands, which is the jealousy offering: and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse:

19 And the priest shall charge her by an oath, and say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee, and if thou hast not gone aside to uncleanness with another instead of thy husband, be thou free from this bitter water that causeth the curse:

20 But if thou hast gone aside to another instead of thy husband, and if thou be defiled, and some man have lain with thee beside thine husband:

21 Then the priest shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell;

22 And this water that causeth the curse shall go into thy bowels, to make thy belly to swell, and thy thigh to rot: And the woman shall say, Amen, amen.

23 And the priest shall write these curses in a book, and he shall blot them out with the bitter water:

24 And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causeth the curse: and the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter.

25 Then the priest shall take the jealousy offering out of the woman's hand, and shall wave the offering before the LORD, and offer it upon the altar:

26 And the priest shall take an handful of the offering, even the memorial thereof, and burn it upon the altar, and afterward shall cause the woman to drink the water.

27 And when he hath made her to drink the water, then it shall come to pass, that, if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, that the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people.

28 And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed.

29 This is the law of jealousies, when a wife goeth aside to another instead of her husband, and is defiled;

30 Or when the spirit of jealousy cometh upon him, and he be jealous over his wife, and shall set the woman before the LORD, and the priest shall execute upon her all this law.

31 Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity.

God tells Moses to pass along some more guidelines to the Israelites.

First, they must expel from their camp all the lepers, everyone who's oozing discharge, and "whosoever is defiled by the dead." One more reason to avoid being raped by a zombie.

If someone commits a crime, s/he must confess it and pay it back with 20% interest. If there's no one to repay, give the money to the Lord, by way of the priest. Grease his palm next to the "ram of the atonement."

In fact, "every offering of all the holy things of the children of Israel, which they bring unto the priest, shall be his." In fact, "every man's hallowed things shall be his: whatsoever any man giveth the priest, it shall be his." In fact, being a priest is a pretty good gig.

Anyway, more rules...

If a husband suspects his wife of cheating on him, he brings her — and a "jealousy offering" of barley — to a priest.

The priest takes holy water (first reference to what may be the best water on Earth) and mixes in some dust from the tabernacle floor. He "set(s) the woman before the LORD" and uncovers her head. He gives her the barley and holds "the bitter water that causeth the curse."

If this weren't the Holy Bible, you'd almost think this was some kind of witchcraft or insane mumbo-jumbo. But that couldn't be, could it? Of course not!

The priest makes her take an oath, and she's innocent, the water won't give her a curse, and she'll be free and fertile. If she's guilty, the Lord will make her thigh rot and her belly swell.

"And the woman shall say, Amen, amen." Who wouldn't say "amen" to that?

Numbers 4

2008-01-15T11:05:00.000-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying,

2 Take the sum of the sons of Kohath from among the sons of Levi, after their families, by the house of their fathers,

3 From thirty years old and upward even until fifty years old, all that enter into the host, to do the work in the tabernacle of the congregation.

4 This shall be the service of the sons of Kohath in the tabernacle of the congregation, about the most holy things:

5 And when the camp setteth forward, Aaron shall come, and his sons, and they shall take down the covering vail, and cover the ark of testimony with it:

6 And shall put thereon the covering of badgers' skins, and shall spread over it a cloth wholly of blue, and shall put in the staves thereof.

7 And upon the table of shewbread they shall spread a cloth of blue, and put thereon the dishes, and the spoons, and the bowls, and covers to cover withal: and the continual bread shall be thereon:

8 And they shall spread upon them a cloth of scarlet, and cover the same with a covering of badgers' skins, and shall put in the staves thereof.

9 And they shall take a cloth of blue, and cover the candlestick of the light, and his lamps, and his tongs, and his snuffdishes, and all the oil vessels thereof, wherewith they minister unto it:

10 And they shall put it and all the vessels thereof within a covering of badgers' skins, and shall put it upon a bar.

11 And upon the golden altar they shall spread a cloth of blue, and cover it with a covering of badgers' skins, and shall put to the staves thereof:

12 And they shall take all the instruments of ministry, wherewith they minister in the sanctuary, and put them in a cloth of blue, and cover them with a covering of badgers' skins, and shall put them on a bar:

13 And they shall take away the ashes from the altar, and spread a purple cloth thereon:

14 And they shall put upon it all the vessels thereof, wherewith they minister about it, even the censers, the fleshhooks, and the shovels, and the basons, all the vessels of the altar; and they shall spread upon it a covering of badgers' skins, and put to the staves of it.

15 And when Aaron and his sons have made an end of covering the sanctuary, and all the vessels of the sanctuary, as the camp is to set forward; after that, the sons of Kohath shall come to bear it: but they shall not touch any holy thing, lest they die. These things are the burden of the sons of Kohath in the tabernacle of the congregation.

16 And to the office of Eleazar the son of Aaron the priest pertaineth the oil for the light, and the sweet incense, and the daily meat offering, and the anointing oil, and the oversight of all the tabernacle, and of all that therein is, in the sanctuary, and in the vessels thereof.

17 And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron saying,

18 Cut ye not off the tribe of the families of the Kohathites from among the Levites:

19 But thus do unto them, that they may live, and not die, when they approach unto the most holy things: Aaron and his sons shall go in, and appoint them every one to his service and to his burden:

20 But they shall not go in to see when the holy things are covered, lest they die.

21 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

22 Take also the sum of the sons of Gershon, throughout the houses of their fathers, by their families;

23 From thirty years old and upward until fifty years old shalt thou number them; all that enter in to perform the service, to do the work in the tabernacle of the congregation.

24 This is the service of the families of the Gershonites, to serve, and for burdens:

25 And they shall bear the curtains of the tabernacle, and the tabernacle of the congregation, his covering, and the covering of the badgers' skins that is above upon it, and the hanging for the door of the tabernacle of the congregation,

26 And the hangings of the court, and the hanging for the door of the gate of the court, which is by the tabernacle and by the altar round about, and their cords, and all the instruments of their service, and all that is made for them: so shall they serve.

27 At the appointment of Aaron and his sons shall be all the service of the sons of the Gershonites, in all their burdens, and in all their service: and ye shall appoint unto them in charge all their burdens.

28 This is the service of the families of the sons of Gershon in the tabernacle of the congregation: and their charge shall be under the hand of Ithamar the son of Aaron the priest.

29 As for the sons of Merari, thou shalt number them after their families, by the house of their fathers;

30 From thirty years old and upward even unto fifty years old shalt thou number them, every one that entereth into the service, to do the work of the tabernacle of the congregation.

31 And this is the charge of their burden, according to all their service in the tabernacle of the congregation; the boards of the tabernacle, and the bars thereof, and the pillars thereof, and sockets thereof,

32 And the pillars of the court round about, and their sockets, and their pins, and their cords, with all their instruments, and with all their service: and by name ye shall reckon the instruments of the charge of their burden.

33 This is the service of the families of the sons of Merari, according to all their service, in the tabernacle of the congregation, under the hand of Ithamar the son of Aaron the priest.

34 And Moses and Aaron and the chief of the congregation numbered the sons of the Kohathites after their families, and after the house of their fathers,

35 From thirty years old and upward even unto fifty years old, every one that entereth into the service, for the work in the tabernacle of the congregation:

36 And those that were numbered of them by their families were two thousand seven hundred and fifty.

37 These were they that were numbered of the families of the Kohathites, all that might do service in the tabernacle of the congregation, which Moses and Aaron did number according to the commandment of the LORD by the hand of Moses.

38 And those that were numbered of the sons of Gershon, throughout their families, and by the house of their fathers,

39 From thirty years old and upward even unto fifty years old, every one that entereth into the service, for the work in the tabernacle of the congregation,

40 Even those that were numbered of them, throughout their families, by the house of their fathers, were two thousand and six hundred and thirty.

41 These are they that were numbered of the families of the sons of Gershon, of all that might do service in the tabernacle of the congregation, whom Moses and Aaron did number according to the commandment of the LORD.

42 And those that were numbered of the families of the sons of Merari, throughout their families, by the house of their fathers,

43 From thirty years old and upward even unto fifty years old, every one that entereth into the service, for the work in the tabernacle of the congregation,

44 Even those that were numbered of them after their families, were three thousand and two hundred.

45 These be those that were numbered of the families of the sons of Merari, whom Moses and Aaron numbered according to the word of the LORD by the hand of Moses.

46 All those that were numbered of the Levites, whom Moses and Aaron and the chief of Israel numbered, after their families, and after the house of their fathers,

47 From thirty years old and upward even unto fifty years old, every one that came to do the service of the ministry, and the service of the burden in the tabernacle of the congregation.

48 Even those that were numbered of them, were eight thousand and five hundred and fourscore,

49 According to the commandment of the LORD they were numbered by the hand of Moses, every one according to his service, and according to his burden: thus were they numbered of him, as the LORD commanded Moses.

YHWH tells Moses and Aaron to tally up the male thirty-through-fittysomethings in their line of the Levites: the sons of Kohath.

The Kohath cohort has certain responsibilities in the tabernacle, notably wrapping up all the valuables in cloth and badger skins or porpoise skins or leather (I always get those mixed up, myself), so the roadies can tote the travelin' temple.

Once they've done the packing, if they touch or even look at any of the holy stuff, they'll die. OSHA should definitely look into this.

Aaron's son, Eleazar, is in charge of "the oil for the light, and the sweet incense, and the daily meat offering, and the anointing oil, and the oversight of all the tabernacle, and of all that therein is, in the sanctuary, and in the vessels thereof."

The Lord also tells them not to "cut off" the Kohathites, and that they should do a similar census of 30-to-50-year-old males among the Gershonites,

They'll "perform the service." I don't believe it means "performing the service" the way a priest does. IIRC, that's for Aaron's boys to do. Just more grunt work.

And it's those selfsame Aaronites, Ithamar in particular, who manage the Gershonites.

The 30-to-50 Merari sons, too, get a list of mundane chores, and they're also supervised by Ithamar. Not sure who supervises the 2,750 Kohathites. Add in the 2,630 Gershonites and 3,200 Merarites, and at 8,580 that's a tent crew of biblical proportions.

In through the out door

2008-01-14T09:32:00.000-05:00

Welcome visitors from Parenting Beyond Belief / The Meming of Life!

Dale McGowan asked me to summarize, for his readers, Exodus — the Bible's second chapter.

Saying "yes" seemed like the Christian thing to do. Actually, it will be a few years 'til I reach the New Testament, so I may be wrong about that. But that's all holy water over the dam, in any case.

And now, I present to you the sensational follow-up to Genesis: ~~Mike and the Mechanics~~ Exodus!

The full text of each chapter — and more-extensive snarky commentary — can be found by clicking each chapter number, below.

* * *

Exodus 1: Jacob, AKA "Israel," has a dozen sons (and a now-forgotten daughter). After his son Joseph's death, things turn worse for the Israelites in Egypt. The new Pharaoh plans to kill all their newborn boys. The Hebrew midwives won't play ball, and YHWH supports them, even building them houses (carpentry runs in the family).

Exodus 2: The exciting start of the Moses saga. In a time of mortal risk to any Hebrew boy, he is cast adrift on the waters of fate. He appears to be a child of destiny, surviving various brushes with danger, including his discovery — and rescue — by Pharaoh's own daughter!

Moses grows up and gets in a little vigilante action, and a memorable phrase is coined: "stranger in a strange land."

Exodus 3: God, in the form of a smoking shrubbery, talks to Moses. He offers a proof of His divinity, which is little more than "I YAM WHAT I YAM." Yahweh promises to smite Egypt (for the guy who created the universe, you would think that would be quick and easy). Part of His master plan is for the Hebrews to bankrupt the Egyptians by borrowing — and not returning — their bling.

Exodus 4: When Moses asks God for proof of His divinity, He mods Moe's walking stick, adding a magic-snake mode. Plus Moses can now give his own hand leprosy and cure it at will.

YHWH kills off all of Moses' enemies in Midian. So, Egypt really should be easy... except the Lord says he's going to harden Pharaoh's heart, preventing him from letting Moses' people go. Gee, thanks, G.

God enlists Moses' help in punishing Pharaoh for doing exactly what He is making him (not) do. And the good Lord will kill Pharoah's firstborn.

Then, in case things weren't bizarro enough, Yahweh suddenly tries to kill Moses at an inn, and Mrs. Moses grabs a rock and circumcises their son.

Finally, YHWH reaches out to Moses' silver-tongued brother, Aaron, for help marketing His cause to the Israelites.

Exodus 5: The dramatic "let my people go" exhortation turns out to be for a rather lame cause: to hold a big feast, as a tribute to Him.

Kind of a buzzkill, doncha think? Like if MLK, Jr. had said: "I have a dream... of a huge picnic in my honor!"

We hear one of many incidental references to sacrifices to God, presumably of the animal kind. No explanation about why this should be pleasing to the Creator.

Moses complains to YHWH that the plan to liberate the people just isn't working. Is Moses turning out to be the first cut-and-runner?

Exodus 6: The Lord promises to make Pharaoh kick the Hebrews out of Egypt, but guess what? His hardening of Pharaoh's heart ensured that it wouldn't work. This may be the most self-fulfilling failure until the Piranha brothers' first two Operations.

There's a long list of begats, including an off-the-cuff mention that a fellow named Amram "took him" his Aunt Jochebed. They begat Aaron and Moses. Good thing that man-on-aunt action isn't outlawed until Leviticus.

Exodus 7: After Exodus's rousing start, we're stuck in a "wet hair, lather, rinse, repeat" cycle. God has Moses tell Pharaoh to let the Hebrews go. God hardens Pharaoh's heart, so he won't let 'em go. But there are some interesting moments mixed in.

God says He's made Moses into a deity for Pharaoh, and Aaron is His prophet. Up to this point, YHWH hasn't responded well to man playing God.

Then there's the intensely homo-erotic snake-off between Moses and Pharaoh's magicians, but our man has the best snake, if you know what I mean.

To punish Pharaoh (which I'll note for the last time here, for not doing what God brainwashed him to not do), the beneficent Almighty kills all the fish in the river, so the Egyptian people can't drink from the bloody brook. If your kids loved Finding Nemo, you might want them to skip this chapter.

Exodus 8: All the colorful plagues of frogs, lice, and flies don't disguise the fact that we're going nowhere fast in this section of Exodus. Mr. Bible Writer Man is not building up much rooting interest in the God character. YHWH makes it clear that He's raining all this pestilence on the Egyptian people so the Hebrews can "serve" Him — you know, with that picnic/sacrifice in the wilderness. Hard to see why Joe and Jane Egypt, and little Egypt, need to eat a series of shit sandwiches for this to happen.

Exodus 9: The plague of plagues continues, showing God's ability to do everything except advance the plot.

Fans of spectacle will note that they are some pretty nasty-ass plagues, a murrain ("a pestilence or plague especially affecting domestic animals") and blains ("an inflammatory swelling or sore"). Then, God announces: "you've got hail."

The murrain is so bad, it kills all of the Egyptian cattle. Then all the Egyptian people — and their dead cattle — get the blains. And that was a veritable golden age, compared to the hail (with special added guest: fire, plus bonus attractions rain and thunder) so bad it will not only kill all the people who don't find cover, it's gonna kill all the beasts all over again.

Exodus 10: God proudly unleashes a plague of super-locusts on the Egyptian people.

The Egyptians under Pharaoh tire of their resolute leader, who won't admit the war is lost. I can relate. But perhaps we should feel sorry for Dubya — maybe God just keeps hardening his heart. Ah, so much for free will.

The chapter ends with an intriguing cliffhanger. Pharaoh tells Moses this town ain't big enough for the both of us, and Moses answers with what sounds like a prophecy or mysterious threat: "Thou hast spoken well, I will see thy face again no more."

Exodus 11: Our Creator decides to kill every firstborn Egyptian, from Pharaoh's to the slave girls' to the twice-killed cattle's. God is love, doncha know?

The notion that this God isn't a universal God, but just the Lord of the Hebrews is cemented here: "ye may know how that the LORD doth put a difference between the Egyptians and Israel."

Exodus 12: This is the longest chapter of Exodus, and it's one of the Bible's most disturbing so far. It describes the bloody and horrifying origins of Passover, which turns out to be one bad-ass holiday.

Exodus 13: The Lord says that the first male to pass through each womb is His. I thought that claiming-the-firstborn stuff was the province of the devil (or was it Rumpelstiltskin?).

He also performs as a super-cool and rather unreliable GPS, (mis)leading the way for the exodusing Israelites. In the daytime, he appears as a pillar of cloud. At nighttime, he's a pillar of fire.

Exodus 14: The supposedly inspiring miracle of the (Red?) sea parting is another nasty and gratuitous massacre. The Lord makes the Egyptians go after the Israelites, and then He has Moses drown them all.

Bloodthirsty YHWH is damned proud of the carnage, calling it getting "honour" upon Pharaoh and bragging that "the Egyptians may know that I am the LORD." And the sight of the dead Egyptians, whom God brainwashed into hunting down the Israelites, is called "great work." It leads the chosen decoys to "fear" Him, a telling description of the kind of "respect" he craves.

Exodus 15: We get one of several polytheistic references: "Who is like unto thee, O LORD, among the gods?" This book just isn't making a very good case that YHWH is the One True God, is it?

This line must wow 'em in the Palestinian territories: "The people shall hear, and be afraid: sorrow shall take hold on the inhabitants of Palestina." It gets worse: "trembling shall take hold upon them; all the inhabitants of Canaan shall melt away."

Exodus 16: The Israelites begin a forty-year sojourn in the wilderness, and it probably seems even longer, since they start kvetching from the get-go.

Moe says if you dis me and my bro, you're dissing the Lord. I've never gotten anywhere saying that, but ol' Moses is able to back it up.

It's cloudy, with 100% chance of carbs, as God rains wondrous bread for the hungry Israelites. Doesn't seem sanitary, though, to eat baked goods that were dumped into the wilderness, unless maybe they were cello-packed, or in crates à la the DHARMA Initiative.

Exodus 17: Though the Israelites' whining started early and continued often, it's hard to see why Moses considers their desire for water an affront to God.

Actually, the whining is effective, as God helps Moses un-smite the river and get water from a stone.

Some dude named Amalek starts a fight with the Lord's chosen people. Bad decision.

Exodus 18: Moses is being worn to a frazzle as the liaison between God and all of Israel. His father-in-law Jethro tells him to delegate. (He later published a book: "The One Habit of Highly Successful People.")

Exodus 19: This offer from YHWH seems awfully sleazy: "I own the whole world, so obey me, and I'll treasure you." Sounds like what Charles Foster Kane said just before Susan left him, as well she should have.

Only Moses is allowed up to YHWH's mountaintop lair at Mt. Sinai. It's protected by an amped-up trumpet and some sort of guards or gizmos that would stone you or shoot you through, surely to your death, should you so much as touch the mount. And seething volcano smoke, too.

Also, the Lord says he'll mete out severe punishments for the tiniest turf violations.

Exodus 20: Here is the first appearence of the ten commandments (though they're not called that here).

There is debate about whether the commandments are actually a ten-pack, and if so, which verses bunch up to form the big ten.

By my accounting, there are ten, as follows: the first commandment is it's Yahweh or the highway; the second is I'm jealous of your deity dolls; the third is no goddamn blasphemy; the fourth is never on Sunday — or Friday-night-to-Saturday-night, depending on who's counting; the fifth is be nice to your folks; the sixth is don't kill; the seventh is no adultery; the eighth is don't steal; the ninth is no perjury (strangely, there's no Scooter Libby exemption, but I'm sure God intended one); and the tenth is don't lust after your neighbor's wife (no problem lusting after the husband, servants, animals, and whatnot).

It's striking how much of this is an ego-trip for the jealous guy in the sky: four out of ten commandments. And it's the first four, which are the most elaborately described.

The second commandment seems like it would put sculptors out of business, prohibiting "any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth." That would mean no sculptures of the dead-and-buried, nor of anyone who bodily ascended to heaven. Nor of the little fishies under the sea. God most be really pissed about those Jesus fish thingymabobs.

Again the rooting interest in YHWH is severely compromised by His irrational temper. If someone "hates" Him, the next four generations of that person's family will be punished.

Exodus 21: Turns out 10 commandments weren't enough. There are many other important things in life, and many of them have to do with oxen and Hebrew slaves (which are totally OK, if you go by the book).

Moral relativism puts in an appearance right away. The punishment for killing is "surely" death. Well, don't call it "surely," because that's only if you kill after lying in wait. If you didn't, and if God wanted you to kill, then there's a safe haven set aside for you.

Other capital crimes are noted, including hitting or swearing at your parents, kidnapping, or owning an ill-behaved ox that kills someone.

There's punishment for beating slaves to death. The point is made that this even applies to the female ones (very progressive)! But if the slave survives a couple of days, all bets are off, "for he is his money."

Many oddly specific scenarios are accounted for, such as if brawling guys happen to injure a pregnant woman and cause a premature birth, they owe some money to the father. But if there's further "mischief," then it's life-for-life, eye-for-eye, freed-slave-for-an-eye, etc.

Exodus 22: More laws, including more about oxen.

For one thing, it's OK to kill a thief in the act. Unless it was in broad daylight — then, you sell him. Other examples...

Kill all witches. Since the Bible is literally true, of course, this means that witches are real. The Bible wouldn't ban non-existent things, would it?

Bestiality is a capital crime, as is sacrificing to any god but YHWH.

There are a few nice moral messages, like be kind to widows and orphans (or at least the fatherless). If you aren't, God will stab you to death. That's nice, isn't it?

Exodus 23: Still more laws, including being kind to strangers and shutting down your business every seventh day.

Dietary laws are mixed in, including one of many prohibitions on the use of leavened bread. Also, don't marinate kid meat in its mamma's milk.

God is sending an angel to keep us in line or keep us safe or something (not made clear) and to take us to a place he's prepared. Don't mess with my angel, He warns. He is not going to forgive what you do, because he's God's agent. Hmm, when does the forgiveness come in?

Yahweh promises to open a can of whup-ass on the Israelites' enemies. That's why their descendants have enjoyed uninterrupted peace and safety for thousands of years. Who's going to tangle with God?

But this protection comes with some obligations, including "utterly overthrow(ing)" their enemies' gods and demolishing their sacred icons. So much for pluralism.

The godfearing will be kept healthy, and will never have a miscarriage or be infertile. If you have problems of this sort, you're obviously a sinner and deserve it.

YHWH is giving Israel to the Hebrews, and he'll deliver the current occupants into their hands so they can be driven out. Talk about foreshadowing!

Exodus 24: We get a break from 613 commandments. Sort of.

God exhorts, Moses scribes. For the time-honored duration of forty days and forty nights.

Moses sprays the blood of scarificed animals on the people (and elsewhere) to seal the deal. There are some closing tricks Zig Ziglar can't teach ya. Actually, maybe he can.

The Lord summoned Moses up the mountain and gave him three tablets of stone to teach the people with. Hmm, I always thought it was two tablets.

Moses and his minister or servant Joshua went up the hill to fetch a deck of commandments that we've already read.

This narrative is seriously starting to play like Memento or Merrily We Roll Along. Didn't Mr. Bible Editor Man notice that things are a wee bit out of order? No problem, since we apparently get the commandments all over again in Deuteronomy.

The sight of God was "like devouring fire on the top of the mount in the eyes of the children of Israel." Suggests a volcano, the perfect image of love. If you're an authoritarian.

Exodus 25: What to get for the man-creator who has everything? Lots of gold, "shittim wood," and such, apparently.

This chapter is basically a parts list and assembly instructions for building the ark of the covenant, a "mercy seat," and a table. Plus golden bowls, candlesticks, lamps, etc. All strictly high-end stuff.

Exodus 26: Oy-veh! More tabernacle-construction steps.

I guess Moses was the world's first subcontractor. I'll bet he couldn't wait to get a less-demanding customer.

Exodus 27: Even more specs! Odds are that it's right around this time that someone invented the phrase, "Jesus Christ!"

There are ominous descriptions of "fleshhooks" and "pans to receive his ashes." This tabernacle doesn't sound like such a nice place.

Exodus 28: More instructions from YHWH to Moses...

Have Aaron and his sons start up a religion shop, and make them some sharp-looking uniforms.

Aaron's sons will wear girdles and bonnets, just like Rudy Giuliani.

It falls onto Aaron's sons and their progeny to be God's official priests forever more. Which is nice.

Exodus 29: While I was first reading this PETA-nightmare of a chapter, Michael Vick found Jesus. Let's hope he sticks to the New Testament and ignores this part of God's inerrant and morally urgent instruction manual. I can't vouch for what happens in those red pages, but I'm hoping they aren't inked in animal blood.

To get ready for what horror directors call the "gags," Moses is to dress up Aaron and his sons in their priestly garb and heap the following on his brother's head: a hat, a headdress, and some oil.

And now, the gory details of what Moses is instructed to do, verse by verse:

#10: By the tabernacle door, with Aaron and sons holding a bullock's (a young bull's) head...
#11: Kill the bullock
#12: Fingerpaint some of the blood on the horns of the altars and pour the rest next to the bottom of the altar
#13: On the altar, burn some of the bullock's fat, the membrane above the liver, and both kidneys
#14: Outside the tabernacle, burn the bullock's flesh, skin, and dung, because it's "a sin offering"
#15: With Aaron and sons holding the first ram's head...
#16: Kill it and sprinkle its blood all around the altar
#17: Cut the ram into pieces, wash its innards and legs, and then set them all together with the ram's head
#18: Burn the ram as a "sweet savour" to YHWH (hey, who wouldn't enjoy a tribute like that?)
#19: With Aaron and sons holding the other ram's head...
#20: Kill it and daub some of the blood on Aaron and sons' right ears, right thumbs, and right big-toes; sprinkle the rest around the altar
#21: Take some of the blood on the altars — along with some anointing oil — and sprinkle it on Aaron and sons, and on their clothes; this makes them consecrated (Benjamin Moore calls it Hallowed Red, I call it fucking freaky)
#22: Because it's a "ram of consecration," take the fat, the rump, the fat over the innards, the caul above the liver, and the kidneys (and the fat on them), plus the right shoulder
#23: Give one each of the three types of baked goods to Aaron and sons...
#24: and make them wave them around
#25: Make a burnt offering of the bread, cake, and wafer (if God likes burnt offerings, he should try my wife's cooking — ba-da-dum!)
#26: Wave the ram's breast around; that will be Moe's portion
#27: Somehow make the swung-about ram's breast holy, and wave and heave the ram's shoulder about, even the part that's for Aaron and sons
#28: Aaron and sons will eternally get the "heave offering"
#29: Aaron's descendants will inherit the priestly garments and holy role
#30: Whoever is the current priest will wear the garments for seven days (and never again after that? every seventh day? seven days a month? huh?)
#31: Boil the ram "in the holy place"
#32: Aaron and sons eat the ram and the bread
#33: Eating the food that was prepared in this atonement (for what?) ceremony will make those who eat it holy; don't let a stranger eat any
#34: Burn any leftovers
#35: Sanctify Aaron and sons over the course of seven days
#36: Ritually slaughter a bullock every day, and clean the altar (thank goodness!), blessing it with oil (just to be sure, I'd go with Formula 409)
#37: For seven days make atonement for the altar (atoning for, maybe, ritually slaughtering animals?)
#38: Ritually slaughter two one-year-old lambs every single day...
#39: One in the daytime and one at night
#40: Serve the morning lamb with flour and oil, accompanied by some wine
#41: Ditto for the evening lamb, which will smell sweet when it's burning
#42: These burnt offerings will continue throughout the generations, where God will come by and talk to Moses...
#43: And the children of Israel.

All the sanguinary business over, God says he'll sanctify the tabernacle, the altar, and Aaron and sons. And — news flash — he'll dwell among the Israeli kids and be their God, because he is the LORD!

Exodus 30: God is quite the gold-digger, demanding His tributes be dripping with the precious stuff.

There are rules about what you can do on the altar, including "no strange incense," etc. They wouldn't want anything untoward to happen around a place where they spray animal blood for god-knows-what reason.

Holy Steve Forbes, it's the ultimate flat tax: "The rich shall not give more, and the poor shall not give less...."

You're expected to pay a "ransom" for your souls. It's good to be priest.

It's not always gold with God, though. He wants a brass sink — a worthy idea for any cult slaughterhouse.

So, why is it that antibacterial cleansers and antibiotics aren't next to godliness? Could it be that God didn't know about germs until Semmelweis figured it out? Nah, couldn't be that.

Exodus 31: This is no way to treat a contractor.

Unbeknownst to Moses, YHWH has engaged Bezaleel and Aholiab and downloaded mad skills into their brains. No montage, no nothing. And no prior discussion with Moses. What is he, chopped liver?

God tells Moe to lean on the Israeli peeps about observing the Sabbath. If you chill on Sabbath day, you're "sanctified." If not, you "shall surely be put to death" and excommunicated (it's the excommunication that really gets you). This arrangement is a "perpetual covenant," which explains why even today believers in the God of Israel are routinely put to death if they do a weekend shift at 7-Eleven.

As a parting gift, God hands over two finger-written stone tablets. Is this the 10 Commandments yet again? Does Moses have a desk piled up with big stony memos from God, all about the same topic?

Exodus 32: Panicked by Moses' delayed return, the Israelites ask Aaron to "make us gods," i.e., to create idols for them to worship. So, he helps them create a golden calf, which they party around.

This violates the deity's second commandment. But sometimes people need a binky to cling to like, I don't know, a cross or something — maybe with a guy nailed to it. Just an idea....

But Yahweh is furious, and He threatens them Tarantino-style: "Now therefore let me alone, that my wrath may wax hot against them, and that I may consume them: and I will make of thee a great nation." That is, "I'll destroy the nation in order to save it."

Moses isn't the man who loved calf dancing, either. When he reaches the camp, his "anger waxed hot, and he cast the tables out of his hands, and brake them beneath the mount." Too bad there was no Jed Leland there to say, "I'd like to keep those particular pieces of stone myself. I have a hunch it might turn out to be something pretty important. A document." Oh well, easy come, easy go.

Moses burns the calf, grinds it into powder, puts it in water, and makes the Israelites drink it.

Moses asks who's still a Yahweh man, and the sons of Levi (Moses' own tribe) join him. He tells them, "Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his
companion, and every man his neighbour."

And the Levites do just that and kill "about three thousand men." For dancing around a metal cow.

God follows up by visiting plagues upon the people "because they made the calf, which Aaron made." Heaven help anyone who gets their morality out of this book.

Exodus 33: God says to bring the (surviving) children of Israel to Canaan, where His angel is driving out all the existing residents: the Canaanite, the Amorite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, the Hivite, and the Jebusite. Who were they? Who cares!? God says "fuck 'em."

But He's still miffed at His "stiffnecked people," whom He'll consume should He find Himself in their company. I'll be sure to tell them He said "hi."

Moses set up the tabernacle outside the camp, and God puts in a personal appearance.

Exodus 34: The deity gives Himself an arrogant shoutout. And He's not only a jealous and vengeful god, He's self-pitying, too. Calls Himself "longsuffering." Apparently, God is a concept in which He measures His own pain.

The great Father says to treat other religious folks — whose God it's clear He ain't (even if He created the heavens, Earth, etc., He again acknowledges that other gods exist) — thusly: "destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves."

Because the Lord is jealous. In fact His name is "Jealous."

Hard to miss the weird sexual overtones when YHWH warns Moses and Co. not to "go a whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods" or to "take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods."

Exodus 35: Moses passes along a bunch of YHWH's loving commandments, such as death to the Sabbath shift, and one I hadn't heard, which was not to start a fire on the Sabbath day. Is Moses freestyling here?

Then he shakes down everybody for their precious metals (the ones they hadn't been forced to drink) and more, and he gets help outfitting the tabernacle.

Hasn't any of this happened yet? Or has Moses been slacking on the job, not taking care of God's construction instructions while 10 chapters have ticked by? True, he's been sitting around on Mount Whatever (the name changes from chapter to chapter) a lot without food or drink and killing thousands of his fellow Israelites, but what kind of tabernacle-tent has he been operating in the meantime?

Exodus 36: Bezaleel and Aholiab finally get put to work, making artisanal goods with the fine materials the people contributed.

Exodus 37: Bezaleel makes more stuff for the tabernacle.

Exodus 38: We get a recap of how much precious metal went into the project.

I couldn't find a really crisp treatment of the total costs, but I turned up various estimates in the $10-$20 million range for the tabernacle's modern-day value. Seems like the God business has always done good business.

Many have reverse-engineered the number of people it would have taken to donate all these goodies, and they've come up with 603,550 men over 20 years old, which suggests a population of maybe two million people in the wilderness. I wonder if the wilderness had subways, condos, and Panera Unleavened Bread stores?

Somebody's been fruitful and multiplying.

Exodus 39: At last, the job is complete, and the worker bees bring Moses all the incredibly heavy and expensive furnishings and fashions, and a tent to house them in.

Moses blesses the workers. But that don't pay the rent, eh?

Exodus 40: YHWH tells Moses to set up the tabernacle-tent on New Year's Day, and to set up all the fixtures, and make 'em all holy with the anointing oil.

He's to bring Aaron and sons to the tabernacle and hose them down, dress them in the holy clothes, and sanctify them, so they and their descendants can be priests.

When Moses finished his assigned duties, God covered the tent with his cloudy glory.

Somehow, the Israelites carted that tonnage of precious metals and shittim and all from place to place throughout the wilderness.

* * *

So, there you have it: one sixty-sixth of the Minimum Lifetime Requirement of moral values.

I'm glad to have played a part in making you a slightly more proper citizen of what John McCain and others call a "Christian Nation" or a "Judeo-Christian Nation."

When you're teaching your children how to be good people, remember the valuable lessons you have learned here, such as be nice to strangers and your parents, don't kill, steal from, or cheat anyone (except Egyptians), stone to death anyone who works on the Sabbath, slaughter thousands of your brethren if they make an unauthorized sculpture, ritually sacrifice countless animals, and traipse about the wilderness with two million others, dragging a massive, garish temple hither and yon.

Keep the burning bushes burning

2008-01-09T17:41:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the slow spell. I'm busy summarizing Exodus for another blog (details very soon), and there has been a lot to say about the 2008 Presidential Campaign.

Don't worry, I will continue with my heavenly rounds before too long, to help guide you through the wilderness.

Numbers 3

2008-01-03T12:39:00.000-05:00

1 These also are the generations of Aaron and Moses in the day that the LORD spake with Moses in mount Sinai.

2 And these are the names of the sons of Aaron; Nadab the firstborn, and Abihu, Eleazar, and Ithamar.

3 These are the names of the sons of Aaron, the priests which were anointed, whom he consecrated to minister in the priest's office.

4 And Nadab and Abihu died before the LORD, when they offered strange fire before the LORD, in the wilderness of Sinai, and they had no children: and Eleazar and Ithamar ministered in the priest's office in the sight of Aaron their father.

5 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

6 Bring the tribe of Levi near, and present them before Aaron the priest, that they may minister unto him.

7 And they shall keep his charge, and the charge of the whole congregation before the tabernacle of the congregation, to do the service of the tabernacle.

8 And they shall keep all the instruments of the tabernacle of the congregation, and the charge of the children of Israel, to do the service of the tabernacle.

9 And thou shalt give the Levites unto Aaron and to his sons: they are wholly given unto him out of the children of Israel.

10 And thou shalt appoint Aaron and his sons, and they shall wait on their priest's office: and the stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death.

11 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

12 And I, behold, I have taken the Levites from among the children of Israel instead of all the firstborn that openeth the matrix among the children of Israel: therefore the Levites shall be mine;

13 Because all the firstborn are mine; for on the day that I smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt I hallowed unto me all the firstborn in Israel, both man and beast: mine shall they be: I am the LORD.

14 And the LORD spake unto Moses in the wilderness of Sinai, saying,

15 Number the children of Levi after the house of their fathers, by their families: every male from a month old and upward shalt thou number them.

16 And Moses numbered them according to the word of the LORD, as he was commanded.

17 And these were the sons of Levi by their names; Gershon, and Kohath, and Merari.

18 And these are the names of the sons of Gershon by their families; Libni, and Shimei.

19 And the sons of Kohath by their families; Amram, and Izehar, Hebron, and Uzziel.

20 And the sons of Merari by their families; Mahli, and Mushi. These are the families of the Levites according to the house of their fathers.

21 Of Gershon was the family of the Libnites, and the family of the Shimites: these are the families of the Gershonites.

22 Those that were numbered of them, according to the number of all the males, from a month old and upward, even those that were numbered of them were seven thousand and five hundred.

23 The families of the Gershonites shall pitch behind the tabernacle westward.

24 And the chief of the house of the father of the Gershonites shall be Eliasaph the son of Lael.

25 And the charge of the sons of Gershon in the tabernacle of the congregation shall be the tabernacle, and the tent, the covering thereof, and the hanging for the door of the tabernacle of the congregation,

26 And the hangings of the court, and the curtain for the door of the court, which is by the tabernacle, and by the altar round about, and the cords of it for all the service thereof.

27 And of Kohath was the family of the Amramites, and the family of the Izeharites, and the family of the Hebronites, and the family of the Uzzielites: these are the families of the Kohathites.

28 In the number of all the males, from a month old and upward, were eight thousand and six hundred, keeping the charge of the sanctuary.

29 The families of the sons of Kohath shall pitch on the side of the tabernacle southward.

30 And the chief of the house of the father of the families of the Kohathites shall be Elizaphan the son of Uzziel.

31 And their charge shall be the ark, and the table, and the candlestick, and the altars, and the vessels of the sanctuary wherewith they minister, and the hanging, and all the service thereof.

32 And Eleazar the son of Aaron the priest shall be chief over the chief of the Levites, and have the oversight of them that keep the charge of the sanctuary.

33 Of Merari was the family of the Mahlites, and the family of the Mushites: these are the families of Merari.

34 And those that were numbered of them, according to the number of all the males, from a month old and upward, were six thousand and two hundred.

35 And the chief of the house of the father of the families of Merari was Zuriel the son of Abihail: these shall pitch on the side of the tabernacle northward.

36 And under the custody and charge of the sons of Merari shall be the boards of the tabernacle, and the bars thereof, and the pillars thereof, and the sockets thereof, and all the vessels thereof, and all that serveth thereto,

37 And the pillars of the court round about, and their sockets, and their pins, and their cords.

38 But those that encamp before the tabernacle toward the east, even before the tabernacle of the congregation eastward, shall be Moses, and Aaron and his sons, keeping the charge of the sanctuary for the charge of the children of Israel; and the stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death.

39 All that were numbered of the Levites, which Moses and Aaron numbered at the commandment of the LORD, throughout their families, all the males from a month old and upward, were twenty and two thousand.

40 And the LORD said unto Moses, Number all the firstborn of the males of the children of Israel from a month old and upward, and take the number of their names.

41 And thou shalt take the Levites for me (I am the LORD) instead of all the firstborn among the children of Israel; and the cattle of the Levites instead of all the firstlings among the cattle of the children of Israel.

42 And Moses numbered, as the LORD commanded him, all the firstborn among the children of Israel.

43 And all the firstborn males by the number of names, from a month old and upward, of those that were numbered of them, were twenty and two thousand two hundred and threescore and thirteen.

44 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

45 Take the Levites instead of all the firstborn among the children of Israel, and the cattle of the Levites instead of their cattle; and the Levites shall be mine: I am the LORD.

46 And for those that are to be redeemed of the two hundred and threescore and thirteen of the firstborn of the children of Israel, which are more than the Levites;

47 Thou shalt even take five shekels apiece by the poll, after the shekel of the sanctuary shalt thou take them: (the shekel is twenty gerahs:)

48 And thou shalt give the money, wherewith the odd number of them is to be redeemed, unto Aaron and to his sons.

49 And Moses took the redemption money of them that were over and above them that were redeemed by the Levites:

50 Of the firstborn of the children of Israel took he the money; a thousand three hundred and threescore and five shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary:

51 And Moses gave the money of them that were redeemed unto Aaron and to his sons, according to the word of the LORD, as the LORD commanded Moses.

We get lists of the male descendants of Aaron and Moses. Aaron's sons: "Nadab the firstborn, and Abihu, Eleazar, and Ithamar," the first two of whom God suddenly torched for using "strange fire" (they got mirrors where he's from?). They died childless (but, unfortunately for them, not godless).

The other two carried on in the family ministry bidness.

God told Moses to bring the Levites near, so they can help with ministering, as well. Aaron will totally pwn them.

Again, "the stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death." None of your Poltergeist "all are welcome" stuff with this crowd.

Yahweh says He's taking the Levites instead of the firstborns of the other tribes, and He totally pwns them.

When He nobly slaughtered every firstborn Egyptian, He claimed all the firstborn Israelite men and beasts. "Mine shall they be: I am the LORD."

The Lord tells Moe to do a census of the Levites, everyone one month or older, which of course he does. All the names are itemized, the descendants of Levi's sons Gershon, Kohath, and Merari, and there are 22,000 in all. Just a drop in the bucket in the massive metropolitan area known as "some random place in the wilderness."

The Gershonite males who made the cut (make your own bris joke) totaled 7,500. Like the other Levite sub-tribes, they're assigned a spot in the wilderness-camp constellation and specific tabernacle-related duties.

The month-plus Kohathite males totaled 8,600.

One of Kohath's sons, Amram, was Moses and Aaron's dad. And lest we forget, Kohath's sister Jochebed was Moses and Aaron's mother. The Old Testament makes strange Jochebedfellows, what with their great-aunt also being their mom. Good thing that happened before Leviticus 20:19 was written.

Aaron's son, Eleazar, "shall be chief over the chief of the Levites, and have the oversight of them that keep the charge of the sanctuary."

Interestingly, the number of firstborn males among the rest of the Israelites was only slightly more than the Levite's total male population (22,273 vs. 22,000). If I'm doing the math correctly, that suggests that the average family had about 27 sons (603,550 / 22,273).

Anyway, YHWH does give the rest of the Israelites a pass, instead deciding to pwn just the Levites and their cattle.

Well, not totally a pass, the Israelites freed from God's clutches have to be bought back for five shekels each.

The bonus money that comes from the excess sale of humans "redeemed" from God — the extra 273 that weren't swapped for Levites — goes to Aaron on sons, by way of Moses.

Numbers 2

2007-12-31T10:50:00.000-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying,

2 Every man of the children of Israel shall pitch by his own standard, with the ensign of their father's house: far off about the tabernacle of the congregation shall they pitch.

3 And on the east side toward the rising of the sun shall they of the standard of the camp of Judah pitch throughout their armies: and Nahshon the son of Amminadab shall be captain of the children of Judah.

4 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were threescore and fourteen thousand and six hundred.

5 And those that do pitch next unto him shall be the tribe of Issachar: and Nethaneel the son of Zuar shall be captain of the children of Issachar.

6 And his host, and those that were numbered thereof, were fifty and four thousand and four hundred.

7 Then the tribe of Zebulun: and Eliab the son of Helon shall be captain of the children of Zebulun.

8 And his host, and those that were numbered thereof, were fifty and seven thousand and four hundred.

9 All that were numbered in the camp of Judah were an hundred thousand and fourscore thousand and six thousand and four hundred, throughout their armies. These shall first set forth.

10 On the south side shall be the standard of the camp of Reuben according to their armies: and the captain of the children of Reuben shall be Elizur the son of Shedeur.

11 And his host, and those that were numbered thereof, were forty and six thousand and five hundred.

12 And those which pitch by him shall be the tribe of Simeon: and the captain of the children of Simeon shall be Shelumiel the son of Zurishaddai.

13 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were fifty and nine thousand and three hundred.

14 Then the tribe of Gad: and the captain of the sons of Gad shall be Eliasaph the son of Reuel.

15 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were forty and five thousand and six hundred and fifty.

16 All that were numbered in the camp of Reuben were an hundred thousand and fifty and one thousand and four hundred and fifty, throughout their armies. And they shall set forth in the second rank.

17 Then the tabernacle of the congregation shall set forward with the camp of the Levites in the midst of the camp: as they encamp, so shall they set forward, every man in his place by their standards.

18 On the west side shall be the standard of the camp of Ephraim according to their armies: and the captain of the sons of Ephraim shall be Elishama the son of Ammihud.

19 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were forty thousand and five hundred.

20 And by him shall be the tribe of Manasseh: and the captain of the children of Manasseh shall be Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur.

21 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were thirty and two thousand and two hundred.

22 Then the tribe of Benjamin: and the captain of the sons of Benjamin shall be Abidan the son of Gideoni.

23 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were thirty and five thousand and four hundred.

24 All that were numbered of the camp of Ephraim were an hundred thousand and eight thousand and an hundred, throughout their armies. And they shall go forward in the third rank.

25 The standard of the camp of Dan shall be on the north side by their armies: and the captain of the children of Dan shall be Ahiezer the son of Ammishaddai.

26 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were threescore and two thousand and seven hundred.

27 And those that encamp by him shall be the tribe of Asher: and the captain of the children of Asher shall be Pagiel the son of Ocran.

28 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were forty and one thousand and five hundred.

29 Then the tribe of Naphtali: and the captain of the children of Naphtali shall be Ahira the son of Enan.

30 And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were fifty and three thousand and four hundred.

31 All they that were numbered in the camp of Dan were an hundred thousand and fifty and seven thousand and six hundred. They shall go hindmost with their standards.

32 These are those which were numbered of the children of Israel by the house of their fathers: all those that were numbered of the camps throughout their hosts were six hundred thousand and three thousand and five hundred and fifty.

33 But the Levites were not numbered among the children of Israel; as the LORD commanded Moses.

34 And the children of Israel did according to all that the LORD commanded Moses: so they pitched by their standards, and so they set forward, every one after their families, according to the house of their fathers.

YHWH tells Moses and Aaron that each tribe should fly its own flag in the camp, and he specifies where each sub-camp should be placed, with the number in each clan elaborated again.

The Levites aren't part of that headcount, and like Malcolm, a monkey, or Hillary Clinton, they occupy the middle ground.

Numbers 1

2007-12-26T08:03:00.001-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses in the wilderness of Sinai, in the tabernacle of the congregation, on the first day of the second month, in the second year after they were come out of the land of Egypt, saying,

2 Take ye the sum of all the congregation of the children of Israel, after their families, by the house of their fathers, with the number of their names, every male by their polls;

3 From twenty years old and upward, all that are able to go forth to war in Israel: thou and Aaron shall number them by their armies.

4 And with you there shall be a man of every tribe; every one head of the house of his fathers.

5 And these are the names of the men that shall stand with you: of the tribe of Reuben; Elizur the son of Shedeur.

6 Of Simeon; Shelumiel the son of Zurishaddai.

7 Of Judah; Nahshon the son of Amminadab.

8 Of Issachar; Nethaneel the son of Zuar.

9 Of Zebulun; Eliab the son of Helon.

10 Of the children of Joseph: of Ephraim; Elishama the son of Ammihud: of Manasseh; Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur.

11 Of Benjamin; Abidan the son of Gideoni.

12 Of Dan; Ahiezer the son of Ammishaddai.

13 Of Asher; Pagiel the son of Ocran.

14 Of Gad; Eliasaph the son of Deuel.

15 Of Naphtali; Ahira the son of Enan.

16 These were the renowned of the congregation, princes of the tribes of their fathers, heads of thousands in Israel.

17 And Moses and Aaron took these men which are expressed by their names:

18 And they assembled all the congregation together on the first day of the second month, and they declared their pedigrees after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, by their polls.

19 As the LORD commanded Moses, so he numbered them in the wilderness of Sinai.

20 And the children of Reuben, Israel's eldest son, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, by their polls, every male from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

21 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Reuben, were forty and six thousand and five hundred.

22 Of the children of Simeon, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, those that were numbered of them, according to the number of the names, by their polls, every male from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

23 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Simeon, were fifty and nine thousand and three hundred.

24 Of the children of Gad, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

25 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Gad, were forty and five thousand six hundred and fifty.

26 Of the children of Judah, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

27 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Judah, were threescore and fourteen thousand and six hundred.

28 Of the children of Issachar, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

29 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Issachar, were fifty and four thousand and four hundred.

30 Of the children of Zebulun, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

31 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Zebulun, were fifty and seven thousand and four hundred.

32 Of the children of Joseph, namely, of the children of Ephraim, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

33 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Ephraim, were forty thousand and five hundred.

34 Of the children of Manasseh, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

35 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Manasseh, were thirty and two thousand and two hundred.

36 Of the children of Benjamin, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

37 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Benjamin, were thirty and five thousand and four hundred.

38 Of the children of Dan, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

39 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Dan, were threescore and two thousand and seven hundred.

40 Of the children of Asher, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

41 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Asher, were forty and one thousand and five hundred.

42 Of the children of Naphtali, throughout their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war;

43 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Naphtali, were fifty and three thousand and four hundred.

44 These are those that were numbered, which Moses and Aaron numbered, and the princes of Israel, being twelve men: each one was for the house of his fathers.

45 So were all those that were numbered of the children of Israel, by the house of their fathers, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war in Israel;

46 Even all they that were numbered were six hundred thousand and three thousand and five hundred and fifty.

47 But the Levites after the tribe of their fathers were not numbered among them.

48 For the LORD had spoken unto Moses, saying,

49 Only thou shalt not number the tribe of Levi, neither take the sum of them among the children of Israel:

50 But thou shalt appoint the Levites over the tabernacle of testimony, and over all the vessels thereof, and over all things that belong to it: they shall bear the tabernacle, and all the vessels thereof; and they shall minister unto it, and shall encamp round about the tabernacle.

51 And when the tabernacle setteth forward, the Levites shall take it down: and when the tabernacle is to be pitched, the Levites shall set it up: and the stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death.

52 And the children of Israel shall pitch their tents, every man by his own camp, and every man by his own standard, throughout their hosts.

53 But the Levites shall pitch round about the tabernacle of testimony, that there be no wrath upon the congregation of the children of Israel: and the Levites shall keep the charge of the tabernacle of testimony.

54 And the children of Israel did according to all that the LORD commanded Moses, so did they.

A year and a month after the Israelites left Egypt, God talked to Moses at the Wild Mid-East Tabernacle.

He told Moe to run a census (this new chapter is clearly living up to its name), counting up all the males in each family.

Everyone twenty and older who is able (does "other priorities" count as an excuse?) will join Moses and Aaron in a war in Israel.

I wish this thing came with a map, because I'm not sure of where the land of Israel is, relative to Canaan — the land promised to the Israelites and the burial place of Israel/Jacob.

Is "Israel" an alias for the same place? This doesn't sound like a border dispute, since Israel isn't listed as a bordering land.

As you may recall from Genesis 9, Canaan (the person) was the son of Ham. After Ham apparently raped his sleeping father, Noah, the arkman condemned Ham's son, Canaan, to the life of "a servant of servants" to his uncles (Ham's brothers), Shem and Japheth.

Among those serving will be "every one head of the house of his fathers," and they're called out by name and lineage. Eleven of the twelve sons of Israel are represented, and daughter Dinah and any progeny she may have had aren't mentioned at all. Nor, it turns out, is she mentioned anywhere past Genesis.

"These were the renowned of the congregation, princes of the tribes of their fathers, heads of thousands in Israel." But, again, where is this Israel place? Is that what they're calling this wilderness? Is Israel wherever this passel of Israelites might be?

Because the 20+ male population of 603,550 is identical to that derived from the temple-tax records in Leviticus 38. Holy homeostasis, Batman! Pretty impressive that new generations perfectly replaced those put to death for working on the Sabbath and other godly reasons, as well as accidents, leprosy, old age, etc.

The sons of Levi (Moses and Aaron's tribe) were left out of the count and excused from service, like so many Romney missionaries in a time of war.

They also serve who pitch and break down garishly stocked porto-temples, killing strangers who come near.

The soldiering tribes each set up their own mini-camps, and the Levites stay close by the tabernacle.

To all who would have one, a Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T09:28:00.000-05:00

One of the cool things about being an atheist is that there’s no orthodoxy that says things like whether we are or aren’t supposed to enjoy Christmas or whatever you like to call this solstice fest.

I certainly do, and I wish peace, love, and happiness to one and all today, tomorrow, and all 366 days of 2008!

The week in-between and beyond that, that’s up to you. :v)

Leviticus 27

2007-12-19T13:10:00.000-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When a man shall make a singular vow, the persons shall be for the LORD by thy estimation.

3 And thy estimation shall be of the male from twenty years old even unto sixty years old, even thy estimation shall be fifty shekels of silver, after the shekel of the sanctuary.

4 And if it be a female, then thy estimation shall be thirty shekels.

5 And if it be from five years old even unto twenty years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male twenty shekels, and for the female ten shekels.

6 And if it be from a month old even unto five years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male five shekels of silver, and for the female thy estimation shall be three shekels of silver.

7 And if it be from sixty years old and above; if it be a male, then thy estimation shall be fifteen shekels, and for the female ten shekels.

8 But if he be poorer than thy estimation, then he shall present himself before the priest, and the priest shall value him; according to his ability that vowed shall the priest value him.

9 And if it be a beast, whereof men bring an offering unto the LORD, all that any man giveth of such unto the LORD shall be holy.

10 He shall not alter it, nor change it, a good for a bad, or a bad for a good: and if he shall at all change beast for beast, then it and the exchange thereof shall be holy.

11 And if it be any unclean beast, of which they do not offer a sacrifice unto the LORD, then he shall present the beast before the priest:

12 And the priest shall value it, whether it be good or bad: as thou valuest it, who art the priest, so shall it be.

13 But if he will at all redeem it, then he shall add a fifth part thereof unto thy estimation.

14 And when a man shall sanctify his house to be holy unto the LORD, then the priest shall estimate it, whether it be good or bad: as the priest shall estimate it, so shall it stand.

15 And if he that sanctified it will redeem his house, then he shall add the fifth part of the money of thy estimation unto it, and it shall be his.

16 And if a man shall sanctify unto the LORD some part of a field of his possession, then thy estimation shall be according to the seed thereof: an homer of barley seed shall be valued at fifty shekels of silver.

17 If he sanctify his field from the year of jubile, according to thy estimation it shall stand.

18 But if he sanctify his field after the jubile, then the priest shall reckon unto him the money according to the years that remain, even unto the year of the jubile, and it shall be abated from thy estimation.

19 And if he that sanctified the field will in any wise redeem it, then he shall add the fifth part of the money of thy estimation unto it, and it shall be assured to him.

20 And if he will not redeem the field, or if he have sold the field to another man, it shall not be redeemed any more.

21 But the field, when it goeth out in the jubile, shall be holy unto the LORD, as a field devoted; the possession thereof shall be the priest's.

22 And if a man sanctify unto the LORD a field which he hath bought, which is not of the fields of his possession;

23 Then the priest shall reckon unto him the worth of thy estimation, even unto the year of the jubile: and he shall give thine estimation in that day, as a holy thing unto the LORD.

24 In the year of the jubile the field shall return unto him of whom it was bought, even to him to whom the possession of the land did belong.

25 And all thy estimations shall be according to the shekel of the sanctuary: twenty gerahs shall be the shekel.

26 Only the firstling of the beasts, which should be the LORD's firstling, no man shall sanctify it; whether it be ox, or sheep: it is the LORD's.

27 And if it be of an unclean beast, then he shall redeem it according to thine estimation, and shall add a fifth part of it thereto: or if it be not redeemed, then it shall be sold according to thy estimation.

28 Notwithstanding no devoted thing, that a man shall devote unto the LORD of all that he hath, both of man and beast, and of the field of his possession, shall be sold or redeemed: every devoted thing is most holy unto the LORD.

29 None devoted, which shall be devoted of men, shall be redeemed; but shall surely be put to death.

30 And all the tithe of the land, whether of the seed of the land, or of the fruit of the tree, is the LORD's: it is holy unto the LORD.

31 And if a man will at all redeem ought of his tithes, he shall add thereto the fifth part thereof.

32 And concerning the tithe of the herd, or of the flock, even of whatsoever passeth under the rod, the tenth shall be holy unto the LORD.

33 He shall not search whether it be good or bad, neither shall he change it: and if he change it at all, then both it and the change thereof shall be holy; it shall not be redeemed.

34 These are the commandments, which the LORD commanded Moses for the children of Israel in mount Sinai.

In a break from the usual septomania, this chapter is brought to you by the number 3/5.

As we reach the 3/5 mark of the Pentateuch, we learn that women are worth 3/5 as much as a man. Hell, that's as much as a Southern slave!

They say the Bible is full of Good News, and this chapter is just that for women of a certain age: after sixty years old, women become worth a whole 2/3 of a man. That's pretty generous, given that women are twice as dirty as men.

Bargain hunters should note that from five-to-twenty years old, females are priced at a discounted rate of 1/2 a male. Smart shoppers compare!

What's unclear is what these valuations mean. Verse #2 speaks of a "singular vow," where "the persons shall be for the LORD by thy estimation."

Apparently, people can be conscripted to the Lord. It's not immediately obvious whether His holy price schedule represents just a buyback price, or a sale price as well. And the currency is silver, in denominations defined by the tabernacle.

In any event, if people are "poorer than thy estimation, then he shall present himself before the priest, and the priest shall value him; according to his ability that vowed shall the priest value him." Assuming we're talking buyback, this is a blessing to the poor, that they can buy their way out of slavery to the Lord at a discounted rate. The Lord is merciful!

If, instead of a person, it's a critter of the offering type being proffered, it becomes de facto holy. It can't be modded (not even "legs off, fins on, simple metal tube through the back of his head so it could breath, bits of gold paint, make good"?) or replaced. And if you do replace it, both the original and the shemp become holy.

If it's an unclean, non-offering type of beast, the priest values it. And if you want to buy it back, you have to add a 20% premium (take my fifths, please!).

If you give houses to be holy (we can watch the white doves go), the priest estimates those, too, and the usual 20% buyback premium applies.

If you give the Lord a part of your field, the estimates are based on the seeds (unlike NCAA brackets, where the seeds are based on the estimates). An homer of barley seed (Mmm, barley seed! Hey, didn't that used to be "omer"?) is worth the price of a man (or 1.67 women).

There's fine print about transactions in and around jubilee years, yadda, yadda, yadda.

YHWH reminds us that firstborn animals are already his. You won't get any consecration credit for tendering those beasts.

As to what kind of profit or non-profit venture we're dealing with here, note that if you don't buy back an unclean beast, "then it shall be sold according to thy estimation." Are the other offerings, including perhaps the people, being sold like lemon squares at a bake sale?

Other translations of verse #28 ("Notwithstanding no devoted thing, that a man shall devote unto the LORD of all that he hath, both of man and beast, and of the field of his possession, shall be sold or redeemed: every devoted thing is most holy unto the LORD) clarify that some of these people, animals, and fields are "devoted" for destruction. These earmarked victims cannot be bought back, they "shall surely be put to death."

Whatever is tithed is holy, so holy that it can be bought back with a 20% vig.

Every tenth creature in a herd or flock becomes the Lord's holy property, as determined by when they pass under a rod. That's regardless of the quality of the designated beast. Again, if you try to replace it with another, you've just committed the replacement and the original.

And, for the last time in this Godforsaken (or at least frequently abominable) chapter, we hear that "These are the commandments, which the LORD commanded Moses for the children of Israel in mount Sinai."

Leviticus 26

2007-12-17T09:37:00.001-05:00

1 Ye shall make you no idols nor graven image, neither rear you up a standing image, neither shall ye set up any image of stone in your land, to bow down unto it: for I am the LORD your God.

2 Ye shall keep my sabbaths, and reverence my sanctuary: I am the LORD.

3 If ye walk in my statutes, and keep my commandments, and do them;

4 Then I will give you rain in due season, and the land shall yield her increase, and the trees of the field shall yield their fruit.

5 And your threshing shall reach unto the vintage, and the vintage shall reach unto the sowing time: and ye shall eat your bread to the full, and dwell in your land safely.

6 And I will give peace in the land, and ye shall lie down, and none shall make you afraid: and I will rid evil beasts out of the land, neither shall the sword go through your land.

7 And ye shall chase your enemies, and they shall fall before you by the sword.

8 And five of you shall chase an hundred, and an hundred of you shall put ten thousand to flight: and your enemies shall fall before you by the sword.

9 For I will have respect unto you, and make you fruitful, and multiply you, and establish my covenant with you.

10 And ye shall eat old store, and bring forth the old because of the new.

11 And I set my tabernacle among you: and my soul shall not abhor you.

12 And I will walk among you, and will be your God, and ye shall be my people.

13 I am the LORD your God, which brought you forth out of the land of Egypt, that ye should not be their bondmen; and I have broken the bands of your yoke, and made you go upright.

14 But if ye will not hearken unto me, and will not do all these commandments;

15 And if ye shall despise my statutes, or if your soul abhor my judgments, so that ye will not do all my commandments, but that ye break my covenant:

16 I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it.

17 And I will set my face against you, and ye shall be slain before your enemies: they that hate you shall reign over you; and ye shall flee when none pursueth you.

18 And if ye will not yet for all this hearken unto me, then I will punish you seven times more for your sins.

19 And I will break the pride of your power; and I will make your heaven as iron, and your earth as brass:

20 And your strength shall be spent in vain: for your land shall not yield her increase, neither shall the trees of the land yield their fruits.

21 And if ye walk contrary unto me, and will not hearken unto me; I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins.

22 I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children, and destroy your cattle, and make you few in number; and your high ways shall be desolate.

23 And if ye will not be reformed by me by these things, but will walk contrary unto me;

24 Then will I also walk contrary unto you, and will punish you yet seven times for your sins.

25 And I will bring a sword upon you, that shall avenge the quarrel of my covenant: and when ye are gathered together within your cities, I will send the pestilence among you; and ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy.

26 And when I have broken the staff of your bread, ten women shall bake your bread in one oven, and they shall deliver you your bread again by weight: and ye shall eat, and not be satisfied.

27 And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me, but walk contrary unto me;

28 Then I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins.

29 And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.

30 And I will destroy your high places, and cut down your images, and cast your carcases upon the carcases of your idols, and my soul shall abhor you.

31 And I will make your cities waste, and bring your sanctuaries unto desolation, and I will not smell the savour of your sweet odours.

32 And I will bring the land into desolation: and your enemies which dwell therein shall be astonished at it.

33 And I will scatter you among the heathen, and will draw out a sword after you: and your land shall be desolate, and your cities waste.

34 Then shall the land enjoy her sabbaths, as long as it lieth desolate, and ye be in your enemies' land; even then shall the land rest, and enjoy her sabbaths.

35 As long as it lieth desolate it shall rest; because it did not rest in your sabbaths, when ye dwelt upon it.

36 And upon them that are left alive of you I will send a faintness into their hearts in the lands of their enemies; and the sound of a shaken leaf shall chase them; and they shall flee, as fleeing from a sword; and they shall fall when none pursueth.

37 And they shall fall one upon another, as it were before a sword, when none pursueth: and ye shall have no power to stand before your enemies.

38 And ye shall perish among the heathen, and the land of your enemies shall eat you up.

39 And they that are left of you shall pine away in their iniquity in your enemies' lands; and also in the iniquities of their fathers shall they pine away with them.

40 If they shall confess their iniquity, and the iniquity of their fathers, with their trespass which they trespassed against me, and that also they have walked contrary unto me;

41 And that I also have walked contrary unto them, and have brought them into the land of their enemies; if then their uncircumcised hearts be humbled, and they then accept of the punishment of their iniquity:

42 Then will I remember my covenant with Jacob, and also my covenant with Isaac, and also my covenant with Abraham will I remember; and I will remember the land.

43 The land also shall be left of them, and shall enjoy her sabbaths, while she lieth desolate without them: and they shall accept of the punishment of their iniquity: because, even because they despised my judgments, and because their soul abhorred my statutes.

44 And yet for all that, when they be in the land of their enemies, I will not cast them away, neither will I abhor them, to destroy them utterly, and to break my covenant with them: for I am the LORD their God.

45 But I will for their sakes remember the covenant of their ancestors, whom I brought forth out of the land of Egypt in the sight of the heathen, that I might be their God: I am the LORD.

46 These are the statutes and judgments and laws, which the LORD made between him and the children of Israel in mount Sinai by the hand of Moses.

With campaign season on, it's impressive to read a well-organized stump speech.

God makes His most persuasive case yet that one had better obey Him. It's an offer the Israelites couldn't refuse.

First, He lists a few of His pet issues (no idols, keep my Sabbath, cherish the tabernacle, obey my commandments). Self-serving, sure, but He follows up with a compelling pro-and-con argument.

The pros are mostly quite attractive:

I'll give you rain when you need it, and your crops will increase
You'll get to eat your fill
You'll be safe and unafraid
I'll bring peace
I'll drive out the "evil beasts"
I'll keep sword-wielding armies away
I'll enable five of you to chase away 100 enemies and 100 of you to chase 10,000, and your enemies will be stabbed to death in front of you
I will respect you, make you fruitful (not sure why just having sex wouldn't get the job done, as long as YHWH doesn't go closing their wombs, as is his wont), and I'll make good on that old covenant
You'll eat old food to make way for the new. (Alright, they can't all be winners. Maybe "vintage" food would have played better.)
I'll put my tabernacle in your neighborhood (there goes the tax base!) and I won't abhor you (hey, who could ask for more than that?)
I'll walk among you and be your God — and you'll be my people (awwwww!)
I took you away from Egypt and freed you from slavery

A rather persuasive case, no?

But let's say you choose not to haul in with YHWH and you don't play by His rules. Well, you you're not going to like Him when he's angry.

I will terrorize you... and bio-terrorize you with consumption and malaria that will consume your eyes and fill you with sorrow
"Ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it." (That's "seed" like plants, right? Or are they going to eat our children? Or our semen?)
I'll "set my face against you," and you'll be slain in front of your enemies.

So, if you don't follow God's rules, you'll be killed. I guess that's that.

Nope, He's just getting warmed up. On top of you being dead, He says...

Those that hate you will reign over you
You'll be so freaked out, you'll run away even when nothing's pursuing you (Oh, please, Lord. Don't turn me into Harry Reid!)

And if that doesn't do the trick, He'll punish you seven times over for the sin of not playing it His way...

I'll "break the pride of your power" and "make your heaven as iron, and your earth as brass" (I'm not sure exactly what that means, but it sound pretty damned bad-ass)
Your exertion will come to naught, as your crops won't grow (you mean that really was one of those other kinds of "seed" before?)

And if you still won't play ball, He'll kick up the plagues another seven times (is this whole freakin' book brought to you by the number seven?)

"I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children, and destroy your cattle, and make you few in number" (the dingo took my baby!)
And "your high ways shall be desolate" (I like the Hank Williams version better: "On this road of sin are you sorrow bound? Take my advice, or you'll curse the day you started rollin' down that lost highway.")

And if you're still holding out, after your eyes have been eaten by viruses, you've been slain in front of your enemies, and critters have stolen your kids, then God will "walk contrary unto you" and fuck you up seven times over again...

I'll put you to the sword to avenge your disagreement with my covenant
When you gather in cities, "I will send the pestilence among you"
You'll be delivered (Yay, deliverance! The Lord is delivering us!) "into the hand of the enemy" (Dang, it's the "Dueling Banjos" kind of deliverance)

Then comes the oddest threat of all...

"And when I have broken the staff of your bread, ten women shall bake your bread in one oven, and they shall deliver you your bread again by weight: and ye shall eat, and not be satisfied." (Look, I didn't flinch when you killed me and had animals steal my children or when you sicced enemies and diseases and pestilence upon me. But ten women making me unsatisfying bread — that's carrying things just a little too far, fella!)

And if that hasn't got you signed up with the God team, things are going to start to turn ugly:

I'll be so furious that I "will chastise you seven times for your sins." (No, no, anything but that!)
"And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. (Whew! I was afraid our enemies were going to eat our kids. But turns out it's just us doing it.)
I'll "destroy your high places"(this guy's a regular Mohamed Atta)
I'll "cut down your images" (not my Farrah Fawcett poster!)
I'll "cast your carcases upon the carcases of your idols" (well, I'll finally get to spend time with Alfred Hitchcock)
"...my soul shall abhor you" (the feeling's getting mutual, my friend)
I'll destroy your cities (hah, we built them on rock and roll, which will never die!)
I'll bring your sanctuaries unto desolation (like I really care at this point?)
"I will not smell the savour of your sweet odours" (That's another low blow. You won't enjoy the smell of animals we sacrifice and burn in your honor! How will we go on?)
"I will bring the land into desolation: and your enemies which dwell therein shall be astonished at it" (Well, I'm astonished that you have any friends, sport)
"And I will scatter you among the heathen, and will draw out a sword after you: and your land shall be desolate, and your cities waste" (Finally I catch a break! They're putting me with the heathens!)

At least Mother Nature will have some fun, as the land will "enjoy her sabbaths" while you're in "your enemies' land."

Your loving Creator isn't quite done with you, though:

If you're among those left behind by the my 7^nth reign of terror, I'll make you escared of everything and nothing (looks like YHWH is running out of ammo: He's starting to repeat himself, not that there's anything unusual about that)
"And ye shall perish among the heathen, and the land of your enemies shall eat you up" (I knew there was a reason why they say "a plot of land")
Those who survive all that "shall pine away (for the fjords?) in their iniquity in your enemies' lands." Also, they'll serve a concurrent sentence for their fathers' sins.

But there is a way to stop the most wondrous being in the universe from kicking the shit out of you and yours in every way imaginable:

Confess the heinous sin of heresy and your father's sins, too; accept your punishment; and humble your "uncircumcised heart"

As long as you knuckle under then...

I will honor my old covenant about the promised land and such
I won't abhor you or totally destroy you or break my convenant, "for I am the LORD their God"
For your sake I'll remember the convenant I made with your ancestors so "that I might be their God: I am the LORD."

"These," we are told in conclusion, "are the statutes and judgments and laws, which the LORD made between him and the children of Israel in mount Sinai by the hand of Moses."

Well, it's a relief to see what a just and benevolent fellow ol' Yahweh is. I'd been under the misapprehension that He was insane, egotistical, and vengeful. Boy is my face red!

Leviticus 25

2007-12-13T09:12:00.000-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses in mount Sinai, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When ye come into the land which I give you, then shall the land keep a sabbath unto the LORD.

3 Six years thou shalt sow thy field, and six years thou shalt prune thy vineyard, and gather in the fruit thereof;

4 But in the seventh year shall be a sabbath of rest unto the land, a sabbath for the LORD: thou shalt neither sow thy field, nor prune thy vineyard.

5 That which groweth of its own accord of thy harvest thou shalt not reap, neither gather the grapes of thy vine undressed: for it is a year of rest unto the land.

6 And the sabbath of the land shall be meat for you; for thee, and for thy servant, and for thy maid, and for thy hired servant, and for thy stranger that sojourneth with thee.

7 And for thy cattle, and for the beast that are in thy land, shall all the increase thereof be meat.

8 And thou shalt number seven sabbaths of years unto thee, seven times seven years; and the space of the seven sabbaths of years shall be unto thee forty and nine years.

9 Then shalt thou cause the trumpet of the jubile to sound on the tenth day of the seventh month, in the day of atonement shall ye make the trumpet sound throughout all your land.

10 And ye shall hallow the fiftieth year, and proclaim liberty throughout all the land unto all the inhabitants thereof: it shall be a jubile unto you; and ye shall return every man unto his possession, and ye shall return every man unto his family.

11 A jubile shall that fiftieth year be unto you: ye shall not sow, neither reap that which groweth of itself in it, nor gather the grapes in it of thy vine undressed.

12 For it is the jubile; it shall be holy unto you: ye shall eat the increase thereof out of the field.

13 In the year of this jubile ye shall return every man unto his possession.

14 And if thou sell ought unto thy neighbour, or buyest ought of thy neighbour's hand, ye shall not oppress one another:

15 According to the number of years after the jubile thou shalt buy of thy neighbour, and according unto the number of years of the fruits he shall sell unto thee:

16 According to the multitude of years thou shalt increase the price thereof, and according to the fewness of years thou shalt diminish the price of it: for according to the number of the years of the fruits doth he sell unto thee.

17 Ye shall not therefore oppress one another; but thou shalt fear thy God:for I am the LORD your God.

18 Wherefore ye shall do my statutes, and keep my judgments, and do them; and ye shall dwell in the land in safety.

19 And the land shall yield her fruit, and ye shall eat your fill, and dwell therein in safety.

20 And if ye shall say, What shall we eat the seventh year? behold, we shall not sow, nor gather in our increase:

21 Then I will command my blessing upon you in the sixth year, and it shall bring forth fruit for three years.

22 And ye shall sow the eighth year, and eat yet of old fruit until the ninth year; until her fruits come in ye shall eat of the old store.

23 The land shall not be sold for ever: for the land is mine, for ye are strangers and sojourners with me.

24 And in all the land of your possession ye shall grant a redemption for the land.

25 If thy brother be waxen poor, and hath sold away some of his possession, and if any of his kin come to redeem it, then shall he redeem that which his brother sold.

26 And if the man have none to redeem it, and himself be able to redeem it;

27 Then let him count the years of the sale thereof, and restore the overplus unto the man to whom he sold it; that he may return unto his possession.

28 But if he be not able to restore it to him, then that which is sold shall remain in the hand of him that hath bought it until the year of jubile: and in the jubile it shall go out, and he shall return unto his possession.

29 And if a man sell a dwelling house in a walled city, then he may redeem it within a whole year after it is sold; within a full year may he redeem it.

30 And if it be not redeemed within the space of a full year, then the house that is in the walled city shall be established for ever to him that bought it throughout his generations: it shall not go out in the jubile.

31 But the houses of the villages which have no wall round about them shall be counted as the fields of the country: they may be redeemed, and they shall go out in the jubile.

32 Notwithstanding the cities of the Levites, and the houses of the cities of their possession, may the Levites redeem at any time.

33 And if a man purchase of the Levites, then the house that was sold, and the city of his possession, shall go out in the year of jubile: for the houses of the cities of the Levites are their possession among the children of Israel.

34 But the field of the suburbs of their cities may not be sold; for it is their perpetual possession.

35 And if thy brother be waxen poor, and fallen in decay with thee; then thou shalt relieve him: yea, though he be a stranger, or a sojourner; that he may live with thee.

36 Take thou no usury of him, or increase: but fear thy God; that thy brother may live with thee.

37 Thou shalt not give him thy money upon usury, nor lend him thy victuals for increase.

38 I am the LORD your God, which brought you forth out of the land of Egypt, to give you the land of Canaan, and to be your God.

39 And if thy brother that dwelleth by thee be waxen poor, and be sold unto thee; thou shalt not compel him to serve as a bondservant:

40 But as an hired servant, and as a sojourner, he shall be with thee, and shall serve thee unto the year of jubile.

41 And then shall he depart from thee, both he and his children with him, and shall return unto his own family, and unto the possession of his fathers shall he return.

42 For they are my servants, which I brought forth out of the land of Egypt: they shall not be sold as bondmen.

43 Thou shalt not rule over him with rigour; but shalt fear thy God.

44 Both thy bondmen, and thy bondmaids, which thou shalt have, shall be of the heathen that are round about you; of them shall ye buy bondmen and bondmaids.

45 Moreover of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy, and of their families that are with you, which they begat in your land: and they shall be your possession.

46 And ye shall take them as an inheritance for your children after you, to inherit them for a possession; they shall be your bondmen for ever: but over your brethren the children of Israel, ye shall not rule one over another with rigour.

47 And if a sojourner or stranger wax rich by thee, and thy brother that dwelleth by him wax poor, and sell himself unto the stranger or sojourner by thee, or to the stock of the stranger's family:

48 After that he is sold he may be redeemed again; one of his brethren may redeem him:

49 Either his uncle, or his uncle's son, may redeem him, or any that is nigh of kin unto him of his family may redeem him; or if he be able, he may redeem himself.

50 And he shall reckon with him that bought him from the year that he was sold to him unto the year of jubile: and the price of his sale shall be according unto the number of years, according to the time of an hired servant shall it be with him.

51 If there be yet many years behind, according unto them he shall give again the price of his redemption out of the money that he was bought for.

52 And if there remain but few years unto the year of jubile, then he shall count with him, and according unto his years shall he give him again the price of his redemption.

53 And as a yearly hired servant shall he be with him: and the other shall not rule with rigour over him in thy sight.

54 And if he be not redeemed in these years, then he shall go out in the year of jubile, both he, and his children with him.

55 For unto me the children of Israel are servants; they are my servants whom I brought forth out of the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.

#1: At Mt. Sinai, God tells Moses...
#2: Tell the Israelites that they need to keep a Sabbath for me when I (eventually) get them to the promised land.
#3: For six years, so your fields and for six years (if I were Moe, I'd have asked whether he meant concurrently), prune your vineyards and gather fruit...
#4: But in the seventh year, it's a Sabbath for your land. Don't sow and don't prune.
#5: Stuff that grows on its own in your harvest, don't reap it. Also don't gather the grapes from "thy vine undressed" (apparently, "untrimmed" or "untended"). It's a year off for the land.
#6: "And the sabbath of the land shall be meat for you," your servants, maids, hired help, and visiting strangers. (Doesn't seem to make sense, since YHWH just said not to eat it).
#7: And "the increase" of your cattle and (other) beasts will be meat for you, too.
#8: Do this yearlong field-sabbath bit seven times over forty-nine years.
#9: Afterwards, sound a jubilant trumpet on the tenth day of the seven month (that, is fifty Yom Kippurs from now).
#10: Treat that fiftieth year as sacred, and free all your slaves, so they can return to their families and their stuff (freedom deferred is...).
#11: Have a jubilee that year. And (again) no sowing, reaping, or gathering of untended grapes.
#12: But it's the jubilee, it's holy to you. Eat the "increase" out of the field (without reaping, right?).
#13: In this year, we'll return all the slaves to their property. (Just like in verse #10)
#14: And if you sell something to your neighbor, don't screw him in the deal (unlike in the 49 years beforehand?).
#15: Factor how many years have passed since the jubilee into the price.
#16: If it's a lot of years (until the next jubilee?), then it's more.
#17:Therefore ('cuz why?) don't oppress each other, but fear me, "for I am the LORD your God."
#18: Therefore obey my laws and judgment, and you'll live in safety (was Yahweh's last name Corleone?)...
#19: And the land will give you your fill of fruit. And you'll live in safety. (Nice promised land you [eventually] got there. Hate to see anything happen to it).
#20: And if you ask what you're going to eat in those Sabbath years, without the sowing and gathering...
#21: "Then I will command my blessing upon you in the sixth year, and it shall bring forth fruit for three years." (Looks like a good idea to ask that rather obvious question. Also, assuming this means three years' worth of harvest at once and yet another awesome feat of Biblical food preservation — though nothing compared to those seven lean years in Egypt.)
#22: You'll plant more crops in the eighth year and keep eating old fruit (yum!) until the ninth.
#23: Don't sell that land forever (apparently meaning it can't be sold in perpetuity) . It's mine. You people are just strangers and transients (ouch!).
#24: The land you have, you should always be willing to sell it back to the original owners. (Does that apply if the "original owner" was a Palestinian? Just askin'.)
#25: If your brother went broke and sold some of his land, then you should buy it back.
#26: If none of his brothers snaps up the land, and the guy comes into enough coin...
#27: Then he has to factor in the years since the sale into his repurchase price.
#28: But if he can't afford it, it stays with the buyer until jubilee, and then the seller gets it back.
#29: If someone sells a house in a walled city, he can buy it back within a year. (Man, it's a hard job being God, having to plan out all this picayune shit).
#30: If he doesn't buy it back with a year, it will forever (so much for verse #23) belong to the generations of the buyer. No jubilee boomerang deal on these abodes.
#31: But houses in unwalled villages, those can be repurchased and are returned at jubilee time.
#32: But in the cities of the Levites and cities in their possession, the Levites can repurchase their houses at any time. (Hmm, I wonder if any Levites were involved in writing this chapter...)
#33: If someone buys a house from a Levite, ownership returns to the Levite in the jubilee year.
#34: But the "field of the suburbs of their cities may not be sold."
#35: If your brother is broke, then help him out. (Not sure if it says to help him out as you would a stranger or transient, or help him even if he is one, in which case "brother" is meant more broadly — as some translations have it)
#36: Don't charge him interest. Instead, "fear thy God" and let your brother live with you.
#37: Don't charge him interest on money or food you lend him.
#38: "I am the LORD your God, which brought you forth out of the land of Egypt, to give you the land of Canaan, and to be your God." (Or so you've said, again and again).
#39: If your brother is poor and is sold to you, don't make him work as a slave. (But let's face it, bro, you're pwned!)
#40: Treat him more like a hired hand, and you own him until the jubilee.
#41: Then, he and his kids return to their family and possessions. (Note to self: if going broke, do it real close to the jubilee year).
#42: Because they're my servants, whom I brought out of Egypt. Don't sell them as slaves. (Just own them. That's the holy thing to do.)
#43: Don't treat 'em rough. Instead,"fear thy God."
#44: You will have slaves, heathens you'll buy from neighboring lands.
#45: Also, you can buy, for use as slaves, children conceived by visitors to your land.
#46: Those slaves are part of your estate, handed down to your children. But don't be a harsh master to your fellow Israelites.
#47: If the visitor becomes rich and your brother who lives with him goes broke, he can sell himself to the visitor.
#48: But his brothers can buy him back.
#49: An uncle or cousin or other near relative can buy him back. Or he can buy himself back, if he comes up with the scratch.
#50: The price will be prorated, relative to the date of the jubilee.
#51: If there a lot of years until the jubilee, he owes more (assuming I'm successfully making any sense out of this crazy-ass minutia).
#52: If there aren't many years until the jubilee, he'll (in this case, too) pay a pro-rated amount.
#53: The visitor should treat him like a hired hand and not ride him hard.
#54: If he doesn't get repurchased before the jubilee, in that year he and his children will be set free.
#54: Because ('cuz why?) they're my slaves, "whom I brought forth out of the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God."

Testifying

2007-12-08T18:36:00.000-05:00

Now that Bible literalism is more or less officially a litmus test for the GOP nomination (and close to that for the Democratic nomination), I do hope we've heard the last comment asking why we're concerned with the literal meaning of the Good Book.

CNN, shockingly, required the candidates at the recent Republican debate to answer a videotaped question from a voter holding a Christian edition of the Bible, who said: "How you answer this question will tell us everything we need to know about you. Do you believe every word of this book? Specifically, this book that I am holding in my hand, do you believe this book?"

Leviticus 24

2007-12-06T11:39:00.000-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Command the children of Israel, that they bring unto thee pure oil olive beaten for the light, to cause the lamps to burn continually.

3 Without the vail of the testimony, in the tabernacle of the congregation, shall Aaron order it from the evening unto the morning before the LORD continually: it shall be a statute for ever in your generations.

4 He shall order the lamps upon the pure candlestick before the LORD continually.

5 And thou shalt take fine flour, and bake twelve cakes thereof: two tenth deals shall be in one cake.

6 And thou shalt set them in two rows, six on a row, upon the pure table before the LORD.

7 And thou shalt put pure frankincense upon each row, that it may be on the bread for a memorial, even an offering made by fire unto the LORD.

8 Every sabbath he shall set it in order before the LORD continually, being taken from the children of Israel by an everlasting covenant.

9 And it shall be Aaron's and his sons'; and they shall eat it in the holy place: for it is most holy unto him of the offerings of the LORD made by fire by a perpetual statute.

10 And the son of an Israelitish woman, whose father was an Egyptian, went out among the children of Israel: and this son of the Israelitish woman and a man of Israel strove together in the camp;

11 And the Israelitish woman's son blasphemed the name of the Lord, and cursed. And they brought him unto Moses: (and his mother's name was Shelomith, the daughter of Dibri, of the tribe of Dan:)

12 And they put him in ward, that the mind of the LORD might be shewed them.

13 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

14 Bring forth him that hath cursed without the camp; and let all that heard him lay their hands upon his head, and let all the congregation stone him.

15 And thou shalt speak unto the children of Israel, saying, Whosoever curseth his God shall bear his sin.

16 And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well the stranger, as he that is born in the land, when he blasphemeth the name of the Lord, shall be put to death.

17 And he that killeth any man shall surely be put to death.

18 And he that killeth a beast shall make it good; beast for beast.

19 And if a man cause a blemish in his neighbour; as he hath done, so shall it be done to him;

20 Breach for breach, eye for eye, tooth for tooth: as he hath caused a blemish in a man, so shall it be done to him again.

21 And he that killeth a beast, he shall restore it: and he that killeth a man, he shall be put to death.

22 Ye shall have one manner of law, as well for the stranger, as for one of your own country: for I am the LORD your God.

23 And Moses spake to the children of Israel, that they should bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones. And the children of Israel did as the LORD commanded Moses.

Just when we were getting into a rut, some bad-ass Biblical justice perks things up:

#1: God tells Moses even more...
#2: Tell the Israelites to bring me EVOO as fuel for eternal lamps.
#3: From outside the vail around the ark of the covenant, Aaron is to keep the light going from evening until morning. (Alright, maybe not eternal. But forever.)
#4: He is to order the use of "the pure candlestick" for this job.
#5: He's to bake a dozen (but not a baker's dozen, I reckon) cakes, with two tenth deals of flour per cake. (If I were God, I can't imagine I'd be spending so much time on recipes. But I guess that's why they pay Him the big bullocks.)
#6: The cakes need to be in two rows of six, "upon the pure table before the LORD." (I wonder what household miracle He uses to keep His candlestick and table so pure.)
#7: Aaron is supposed to put pure frankincense in each row, which will make a nice memorial sacrifice to Yahweh.
#8: Each Sabbath forever, the children of Israel have to make with the baked goods.
#9: (Even though it's "an offering made of fire") Aaron and sons "shall eat it in the holy place," because it's mighty holy to the LORD.
#10: (And now for something completely different....) "The son of an Israelitish woman," who had an Egyptian dad, "went out among the children of Israel" in the camp and fought with a "a man of Israel."
#11: The half-breed "blasphemed the name of the Lord, and cursed." So he was brought to Moses. The Israelitish woman was Shelomith, and she's "the daughter of Dibri, of the tribe of Dan."
#12: They locked up the infidel, in hopes that the Lord would tell them what to do with him. (Is this procedure a GOP wet dream or what, folks?)
#13: Then God told Moe...
#14: Bring the foul-mouthed one outside the camp, and have all the witnesses lay their hands on him and (...wait for it...) "let all the congregation stone him." (It's getting multiorgasmic for the authoritarian set, as their eyes roll back in their heads. As Alex de Large / Alex Burgess put it, "That was a real kick and good for laughs and lashings of the old ultraviolence." Also, when a guy's being stoned to death by a huge crowd, that's not really the best time to put your hand on his head.)
#15: Tell the Israelites that if they curse the Lord, they'll bear the same sin. (But what I'm not sure about is, can you name a teddy bear "Yahweh"? Or at least YHWH?).
#16: And those blasphemers will be killed, no question, stoned by the congregation, no question. Even if the trash-talker is an outsider.
#17: What's more, killing people is a capital offense. (Thanks for the reminder, G. With those essential specs for shittim-wood building projects and sacrificial turtles and all weighing on us, it's easy to forget the small stuff.)
#18: If you kill a beast (someone else's, one presumes), you need to replace it.
#19: Cause a blemish on a neighbor? The same is done to you.
#20: (And famously...) "Breach for breach, eye for eye, tooth for tooth...."
#21: And if you kill a beast, you must restore it. (Note to self: pick up SparkNotes on animal reanimation.) If you kill a man, you'll be put to death. (Note to self: pick up SparkNotes on human reanimation. Give to friend.)
#22: There is only one type of law, including for strangers (does that include enemy combatants and Blackwater employees?), "for I am the LORD your God."
#23: And Moses told the Israelites to drag the blasphemer out of camp and stone him to death (just like God told Moses he had done — or was the "God said" conceit unceremoniously dropped in the middle of this chapter?). And the like good, holy folk that they were, they stoned the guy to death for saying bad things about an infinitely powerful supernatural authority figure.

The worst so far...

2007-12-06T09:14:00.001-05:00

FYI, I posted this elsewhere and thought bs4a readers might want to take a look — a list of some of the worst messages I've encountered so far in the Bible, as the end of Leviticus is neigh...

* * *

About a year ago, I began slooowly reading the Holy Bible and assessing what it means to a modern reader — not historically, but literally and metaphorically.

As I'm nearing the end of the third book of sixty-six (Leviticus, that is), I've encountered one of the most disturbing passages yet:

16 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

17 Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God.

18 For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,

19 Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded,

20 Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;

21 No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God.

In other words, keep those creepy physical defectives away from my holy altar! God is love, doncha know, God is love.

There are so many unsavory passages in this vaunted tome, such as...

The punishment of all women because Eve dared to eat from the Tree of Knowledge

The destruction of nearly every living thing, because God got it in his head that "the wickedness of man was great"

Completely uncriticized slave-banging and otherwise legitimizing slavery as a legal activity

A Bible hero offering up his virginal daughters to an angry mob (and the daughters subsequently raping him)

God insisting that Abraham be willing to stab his son to death on a sacrificial altar, and surely traumatizing the kid in the process

Members of YHWH's favorite family avenging a single act of rape by tricking an entire city of men into getting circumcised and then killing them all

After killing a young man the Lord deems wicked, killing his brother for not wanting to impregnate his sister-in-law

God randomly trying to kill his right-hand man, Moses

The plague after plague unleashed on the Egyptians — including the slaves and animals — because God hardened Pharaoh's heart so he wouldn't let the Israelites go and have a picnic in His honor. And making an annual celebration of the killing of every firstborn Egyptian.

Yahweh claiming ownership of every firstborn male, including of the human variety, with the seeming implication that he wants them sacrificed in his honor

Meting out punishment not only on infidels, but on three or four generations of their offspring

Repeated calls to execute people who work on the Sabbath

A 9/11-sized massacre of fellow Israelites because they dance around a golden idol

Endless descriptions of reasons and methods for absolving human sins by ritually sacrificing animals, including rituals where one animal is soaked in the blood of its butchered brethren

The Good Lord burning two children alive for lighting some incense, and then forbidding their father — His #1 priest — from grieving the loss

And countless other reasons for people and animals to be slaughtered, including for being gay and for being a critter who's the victim of bestiality. And you'll be excommunicated for many other sins, including having sex with a menstruating woman.

Beyond that there is constant rewarding of people who steal others' birthrights and who rip off innocent Egyptians and punishing of people who aspire to God-like accomplishments.

The major story of the Pentateuch is that God is going to kick all the natives out of Canaan and give it to a small group of people that are his favorites. Doesn't that sound like the nicest little deity you've ever heard of?

For y'all, who may have read much more of the One True Infallible Guide to Morality, what are your favorite examples of bad messages in the Good Book?

* * *

Bonus out-of-context Bible quotes:

The coolest (so far) is from Genesis 27:11 — "I am a smooth man."

The cruelest, so fitting for today's Religious Right Repubs, from Leviticus 19:15 — "Thou shalt not respect the person of the poor."

The truest, from Exodus 15:3 — “The LORD is a man of war.”

Leviticus 23

2007-12-03T13:58:00.000-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, Concerning the feasts of the LORD, which ye shall proclaim to be holy convocations, even these are my feasts.

3 Six days shall work be done: but the seventh day is the sabbath of rest, an holy convocation; ye shall do no work therein: it is the sabbath of the LORD in all your dwellings.

4 These are the feasts of the LORD, even holy convocations, which ye shall proclaim in their seasons.

5 In the fourteenth day of the first month at even is the LORD's passover.

6 And on the fifteenth day of the same month is the feast of unleavened bread unto the LORD: seven days ye must eat unleavened bread.

7 In the first day ye shall have an holy convocation: ye shall do no servile work therein.

8 But ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD seven days: in the seventh day is an holy convocation: ye shall do no servile work therein.

9 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

10 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When ye be come into the land which I give unto you, and shall reap the harvest thereof, then ye shall bring a sheaf of the firstfruits of your harvest unto the priest:

11 And he shall wave the sheaf before the LORD, to be accepted for you: on the morrow after the sabbath the priest shall wave it.

12 And ye shall offer that day when ye wave the sheaf an he lamb without blemish of the first year for a burnt offering unto the LORD.

13 And the meat offering thereof shall be two tenth deals of fine flour mingled with oil, an offering made by fire unto the LORD for a sweet savour: and the drink offering thereof shall be of wine, the fourth part of an hin.

14 And ye shall eat neither bread, nor parched corn, nor green ears, until the selfsame day that ye have brought an offering unto your God: it shall be a statute for ever throughout your generations in all your dwellings.

15 And ye shall count unto you from the morrow after the sabbath, from the day that ye brought the sheaf of the wave offering; seven sabbaths shall be complete:

16 Even unto the morrow after the seventh sabbath shall ye number fifty days; and ye shall offer a new meat offering unto the LORD.

17 Ye shall bring out of your habitations two wave loaves of two tenth deals; they shall be of fine flour; they shall be baken with leaven; they are the firstfruits unto the LORD.

18 And ye shall offer with the bread seven lambs without blemish of the first year, and one young bullock, and two rams: they shall be for a burnt offering unto the LORD, with their meat offering, and their drink offerings, even an offering made by fire, of sweet savour unto the LORD.

19 Then ye shall sacrifice one kid of the goats for a sin offering, and two lambs of the first year for a sacrifice of peace offerings.

20 And the priest shall wave them with the bread of the firstfruits for a wave offering before the LORD, with the two lambs: they shall be holy to the LORD for the priest.

21 And ye shall proclaim on the selfsame day, that it may be an holy convocation unto you: ye shall do no servile work therein: it shall be a statute for ever in all your dwellings throughout your generations.

22 And when ye reap the harvest of your land, thou shalt not make clean riddance of the corners of thy field when thou reapest, neither shalt thou gather any gleaning of thy harvest: thou shalt leave them unto the poor, and to the stranger: I am the LORD your God.

23 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

24 Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, In the seventh month, in the first day of the month, shall ye have a sabbath, a memorial of blowing of trumpets, an holy convocation.

25 Ye shall do no servile work therein: but ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD.

26 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

27 Also on the tenth day of this seventh month there shall be a day of atonement: it shall be an holy convocation unto you; and ye shall afflict your souls, and offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD.

28 And ye shall do no work in that same day: for it is a day of atonement, to make an atonement for you before the LORD your God.

29 For whatsoever soul it be that shall not be afflicted in that same day, he shall be cut off from among his people.

30 And whatsoever soul it be that doeth any work in that same day, the same soul will I destroy from among his people.

31 Ye shall do no manner of work: it shall be a statute for ever throughout your generations in all your dwellings.

32 It shall be unto you a sabbath of rest, and ye shall afflict your souls: in the ninth day of the month at even, from even unto even, shall ye celebrate your sabbath.

33 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

34 Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, The fifteenth day of this seventh month shall be the feast of tabernacles for seven days unto the LORD.

35 On the first day shall be an holy convocation: ye shall do no servile work therein.

36 Seven days ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD: on the eighth day shall be an holy convocation unto you; and ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD: it is a solemn assembly; and ye shall do no servile work therein.

37 These are the feasts of the LORD, which ye shall proclaim to be holy convocations, to offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD, a burnt offering, and a meat offering, a sacrifice, and drink offerings, every thing upon his day:

38 Beside the sabbaths of the LORD, and beside your gifts, and beside all your vows, and beside all your freewill offerings, which ye give unto the LORD.

39 Also in the fifteenth day of the seventh month, when ye have gathered in the fruit of the land, ye shall keep a feast unto the LORD seven days: on the first day shall be a sabbath, and on the eighth day shall be a sabbath.

40 And ye shall take you on the first day the boughs of goodly trees, branches of palm trees, and the boughs of thick trees, and willows of the brook; and ye shall rejoice before the LORD your God seven days.

41 And ye shall keep it a feast unto the LORD seven days in the year. It shall be a statute for ever in your generations: ye shall celebrate it in the seventh month.

42 Ye shall dwell in booths seven days; all that are Israelites born shall dwell in booths:

43 That your generations may know that I made the children of Israel to dwell in booths, when I brought them out of the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.

44 And Moses declared unto the children of Israel the feasts of the LORD.

#1: God tells Moses...
#2: Tell the Israelites these details about my holy feasts.
#3: Work for six days but rest on the holy Sabbath.
#4: These are my feasts. Proclaim them in their seasons.
#5: "In the fourteenth day of the first month at even is the LORD's passover." (You know, the celebration of the slaughter of every firstborn Egyptian. And for some reason, we need to hear a different remix of the holiday rules.)
#6: On the fifteenth is the Lord's matzo feast. For one week, "ye must eat unleavened bread." (Wow, a seven-day / one-day cracker fest! Par-tay!)
#7: Have a holy get-together on the first day, and don't work.
#8: For seven days burn food for me, but on that seventh day don't work then, either.
#9: YHWH also told Moses...
#10: Tell the Israelites that when I bring them to the promised land, they should bring a sheaf of the first harvest fruits to the priest...
#11: And he'll wave the sheaf for God, so He will accept either it or you (not sure). He'll wave that harvest sheaf on the day after the Sabbath.
#12: On that day, you should burn me an unblemished, one-year old male lamb. (Does Moses do this, or do all 600,000+ wilderness men have to bring a lamb to the slaughter?)
#13: And the meat offering should include a specific blend of flour and oil, and the drink offering should be a quarter of a hin of wine. (That would be about 48 ounces — how many people are drinking that?)
#14: Don't eat bread or "parched corn" or "green ears" until that day, and that will be the law forever. (This is one of those "don't feed them after midnight" conundrums. After the first time they're authorized to eat that stuff, when are they again not authorized to eat it?)
#15: Seven weeks after Passover...
#16: On the day after the sabbath, that will be fifty days (7*7+1. OK, that works) give the Lord "a new meat offering."
#17: Also bring leavened loaves of a certain measure, made of fine flower. These are the firstfruits of the Lord. (Holy moly, leavened bread! Pretty wild stuff!)
#18: Along with the bread, offer up seven unblemished one-year-old lambs, a young bullock, and two rams. Burn 'em with the meat offering and drink offerings, which smells sweet to the Lord.
#19: And sacrifice a kid goat as a sin offering. Plus two more one-year-old lambs as peace offerings.
#20: The priest should wave them around with the first-harvest bread for a wave offering. They're holy to the Lord, and they're edible swag for the priest.
#21: On that day, proclaim that the will be a holy meeting and no work done. It will be a rule forever.
#22: Once again, don't reap the corners of your fields or eat gleanings. Give them to the poor and to strangers. "I am the LORD your God."
#23: Yahweh also told Moses...
#24: Tell the Israelites that on the first of the seventh month, have a sabbath, a trumpety memorial, and a holy meeting.
#25: Don't work that day, but make fiery offerings to God.
#26: And He also said to Moe...
#27: On tenth of the seventh month, there should be a day of atonement (just like we learned about six chapters ago), a holy meeting, and "ye shall afflict your souls, and offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD."
#28: Don't work on that day, either. It's a day of atonement.
#29: If you're not afflicted (humbled) that day, you'll be excommunicated.
#30: Anyone who works on Yom Kippur "the same soul will I destroy from among his people." (That's why every year on Yom Kippur we hear stories of people spontaneously combusting when they answer their pagers or show up on a weekend shift.)
#31: Don't work! It will be the law forever. (Don't work, don't work, don't work! This is the worst motivational chapter ever.)
#32: This day will be "a sabbath of rest, and ye shall afflict your souls" (sounds real restful like). On the ninth of the month, from evening to evening celebrate this sabbath.
#33: The Lord had still more to tell his communications director...
#34: Tell the Israelites that the fifteenth day of the seventh month should be a "feast of tabernacles for seven days unto the LORD."
#35: On the first day is the holy get-together. Don't work then!
#36: Seven days later make a fiery offering to God. On the eight, have another holy assembly. Don't work!
#37: These are God's feasts, which you should declare to be holy convocations, to offer up offerings to Him.
#38: In addition to the sabbaths , "your gifts" (was there a parting-of-the-Red-Sea gift?), your vows, and your (ahem) freewill offerings that you give the Lord...
#39: Also on the 15th of the seventh month, when you've gathered the firstfruit, have a sabbath and then another one eight days later. (That gets more and more interesting with each retelling, doesn't it?)
#40: On the first day, bring branches of "goodly trees," including palms, thick trees, and willows and "rejoice before the LORD your God seven days." (At least be glad you're not reading this mindnumbingly repetitive chapter, and you'll have a switch to whup anyone who tries to read it to you).
#41. Do this weeklying feast every year for ever. And when? In the seventh month.
#42: All of the Israelites will live in booths for that week. (Did He just say "live in booths"?)
#43: Live in booths so that your descendants will know I made you live in booths when I brought you out of Egypt. I am the LORD your God. (It would take a Godlike intelligence to construct a line of reasoning that insane. Well played, Sir.)
#44: And Moses announced the feasts to the Israelites.

Leviticus 22

2007-11-27T09:28:00.001-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto Aaron and to his sons, that they separate themselves from the holy things of the children of Israel, and that they profane not my holy name in those things which they hallow unto me: I am the LORD.

3 Say unto them, Whosoever he be of all your seed among your generations, that goeth unto the holy things, which the children of Israel hallow unto the LORD, having his uncleanness upon him, that soul shall be cut off from my presence: I am the LORD.

4 What man soever of the seed of Aaron is a leper, or hath a running issue; he shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean. And whoso toucheth any thing that is unclean by the dead, or a man whose seed goeth from him;

5 Or whosoever toucheth any creeping thing, whereby he may be made unclean, or a man of whom he may take uncleanness, whatsoever uncleanness he hath;

6 The soul which hath touched any such shall be unclean until even, and shall not eat of the holy things, unless he wash his flesh with water.

7 And when the sun is down, he shall be clean, and shall afterward eat of the holy things; because it is his food.

8 That which dieth of itself, or is torn with beasts, he shall not eat to defile himself therewith; I am the LORD.

9 They shall therefore keep mine ordinance, lest they bear sin for it, and die therefore, if they profane it: I the LORD do sanctify them.

10 There shall no stranger eat of the holy thing: a sojourner of the priest, or an hired servant, shall not eat of the holy thing.

11 But if the priest buy any soul with his money, he shall eat of it, and he that is born in his house: they shall eat of his meat.

12 If the priest's daughter also be married unto a stranger, she may not eat of an offering of the holy things.

13 But if the priest's daughter be a widow, or divorced, and have no child, and is returned unto her father's house, as in her youth, she shall eat of her father's meat: but there shall be no stranger eat thereof.

14 And if a man eat of the holy thing unwittingly, then he shall put the fifth part thereof unto it, and shall give it unto the priest with the holy thing.

15 And they shall not profane the holy things of the children of Israel, which they offer unto the LORD;

16 Or suffer them to bear the iniquity of trespass, when they eat their holy things: for I the LORD do sanctify them.

17 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

18 Speak unto Aaron, and to his sons, and unto all the children of Israel, and say unto them, Whatsoever he be of the house of Israel, or of the strangers in Israel, that will offer his oblation for all his vows, and for all his freewill offerings, which they will offer unto the LORD for a burnt offering;

19 Ye shall offer at your own will a male without blemish, of the beeves, of the sheep, or of the goats.

20 But whatsoever hath a blemish, that shall ye not offer: for it shall not be acceptable for you.

21 And whosoever offereth a sacrifice of peace offerings unto the LORD to accomplish his vow, or a freewill offering in beeves or sheep, it shall be perfect to be accepted; there shall be no blemish therein.

22 Blind, or broken, or maimed, or having a wen, or scurvy, or scabbed, ye shall not offer these unto the LORD, nor make an offering by fire of them upon the altar unto the LORD.

23 Either a bullock or a lamb that hath any thing superfluous or lacking in his parts, that mayest thou offer for a freewill offering; but for a vow it shall not be accepted.

24 Ye shall not offer unto the LORD that which is bruised, or crushed, or broken, or cut; neither shall ye make any offering thereof in your land.

25 Neither from a stranger's hand shall ye offer the bread of your God of any of these; because their corruption is in them, and blemishes be in them: they shall not be accepted for you.

26 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

27 When a bullock, or a sheep, or a goat, is brought forth, then it shall be seven days under the dam; and from the eighth day and thenceforth it shall be accepted for an offering made by fire unto the LORD.

28 And whether it be cow, or ewe, ye shall not kill it and her young both in one day.

29 And when ye will offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving unto the LORD, offer it at your own will.

30 On the same day it shall be eaten up; ye shall leave none of it until the morrow: I am the LORD.

31 Therefore shall ye keep my commandments, and do them: I am the LORD.

32 Neither shall ye profane my holy name; but I will be hallowed among the children of Israel: I am the LORD which hallow you,

33 That brought you out of the land of Egypt, to be your God: I am the LORD.

#1: The Lord tells Moses...
#2: To tell Aaron and sons that they they should "separate themselves from the holy things of the children of Israel" (I guess not be too familiar with them) and not to profane my holy self. "I am the LORD."
#3: Tell them that any of their offspring who approach the holy things while unclean will be cut off from me: "I am the LORD."
#4: Any of Aaron's male descendants who is a leper or who has bodily discharges (ew!) can't eat the holy food until he's clean. And if you're unclean by touching a dead person or having an orgasm...
#5: Or touching any creepy crawlies or otherwise being unclean...
#6: Such a dude is unclean until evening and can't eat the holy goodies... unless he washes himself.
#7: At sundown, he's clean and can eat the holy food. It's his to eat (because he's a priest).
#8: He shouldn't defile himself with animals that were killed by other animals or died of natural causes (look, this is the fucking word of God, so we paid attention the last four times you said this, OK?)
#9: They will bear sin and die if they break my ordinances. "I the LORD do sanctify them."
#10: Strangers and hired hands don't get to eat the holy food.
#11: But priests who buy slaves get to feed the holy food to them, and to anyone who's born in their houses. "They shall eat of his meat."
#12: If a priest's daughter marries a stranger (oy vey, a shegetz!), she loses her holy-meat privileges.
#13: If she's a childless widow or divorcée, and she moves back home, "she shall eat of her father's meat."
#14: If an unauthorized person eats the holy meat, "he shall put the fifth part thereof unto it, and shall give it unto the priest with the holy thing" (which I take to mean he has to pay it back with 20% interest).
#15: And they mustn't "profane the holy things," the offerings to the Lord.
#16: Else, they'll bear the sin.
#17: YHWH also told Moses...
#18: Tell Aaron and sons and all the Israelites that anyone who offers burnt sacrifices to the Lord, whether to satisfy a vow or given freely...
#19: They must offer (of their own free will, naturally) an unblemished male cow, sheep, or goat.
#20: It is not acceptable to offer a blemished animal (God's the type who looks gift cattle in the mouth).
#21: Same deal with peace offerings: no blemishes.
#22: No sacrifices that are "blind, or broken, or maimed, or having a wen, or scurvy, or scabbed."
#23: Bullocks or lambs with growths or missing parts will not be accepted.
#24: And nothing that's "bruised, or crushed, or broken, or cut."
#25: Don't accept blemished "bread" offerings from strangers, either, "because their corruption is in them." (Why is it that when they say "meat" they mean bread, and when they say "bread" they mean meat?)
#26: The Lord also told Moe...
#27: When bullocks, sheep, or goats are brought to the tabernacle, they are held "under the dam" for a week before they're acceptable as fiery offerings. ("Under the dam," apparently means that they stay in the protection of their mothers for a week until they're slaughtered for an invisible guy's whim — and/or to feed the priests.)
#28: Don't kill cows and ewes and their young on the same day. (O, how merciful!)
#29: Your offers of "thanksgiving unto the LORD" should be done freely. (Oh, goody, no peer pressure or mindfuck going on here!)
#30: The sacrifices need to be eaten up on the same day as they're slaughtered . "I am the LORD." (Hey, I thought we had two days. A deal's a deal, isn't it?).
#31: Therefore ('cuz why?), "shall ye keep my commandments, and do them: I am the LORD."
#32: Don't profane my name. I will be "hallowed among the children of Israel: I am the LORD which hallow you." (Remember that early self-help book, "I'm Hallowed, Thou Art Hallowed"?)
#33: Don't forget, I'm the guy who got you out of Egypt to be a god to you. "I am the LORD." (There's a term that covers a situation like this, where people idolize an abusive megalomaniac who, say, drags people into a wilderness and threatens and brainwashes them, forces them to build him an elaborate temple, and kills many of them. It's called "Stockholm Syndrome.")

Leviticus 21

2007-11-25T11:05:00.000-05:00

1 And the LORD said unto Moses, Speak unto the priests the sons of Aaron, and say unto them, There shall none be defiled for the dead among his people:

2 But for his kin, that is near unto him, that is, for his mother, and for his father, and for his son, and for his daughter, and for his brother.

3 And for his sister a virgin, that is nigh unto him, which hath had no husband; for her may he be defiled.

4 But he shall not defile himself, being a chief man among his people, to profane himself.

5 They shall not make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of their beard, nor make any cuttings in their flesh.

6 They shall be holy unto their God, and not profane the name of their God: for the offerings of the LORD made by fire, and the bread of their God, they do offer: therefore they shall be holy.

7 They shall not take a wife that is a whore, or profane; neither shall they take a woman put away from her husband: for he is holy unto his God.

8 Thou shalt sanctify him therefore; for he offereth the bread of thy God: he shall be holy unto thee: for I the LORD, which sanctify you, am holy.

9 And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire.

10 And he that is the high priest among his brethren, upon whose head the anointing oil was poured, and that is consecrated to put on the garments, shall not uncover his head, nor rend his clothes;

11 Neither shall he go in to any dead body, nor defile himself for his father, or for his mother;

12 Neither shall he go out of the sanctuary, nor profane the sanctuary of his God; for the crown of the anointing oil of his God is upon him: I am the LORD.

13 And he shall take a wife in her virginity.

14 A widow, or a divorced woman, or profane, or an harlot, these shall he not take: but he shall take a virgin of his own people to wife.

15 Neither shall he profane his seed among his people: for I the LORD do sanctify him.

16 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

17 Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God.

18 For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,

19 Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded,

20 Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;

21 No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God.

22 He shall eat the bread of his God, both of the most holy, and of the holy.

23 Only he shall not go in unto the vail, nor come nigh unto the altar, because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries: for I the LORD do sanctify them.

24 And Moses told it unto Aaron, and to his sons, and unto all the children of Israel.
#1: God tells Moses to tell Aaron and his priestly sons that no one should "be defiled for the dead among his people." (Is this about necrophilia or a less-provocative faux pas in handling a corpse... such as handling a corpse?)
#2: The rules are different for close relatives: mother, father, son, daughter, and brother (I'm seriously hoping this isn't about necrophilia).
#3: If your late sister was an unmarried virgin, "for her may he be defiled." (Is it just me or does that sound a little odd? I could see it saying that whatever exactly this is talking about wouldn't be considered "defiling," but to say in that case it's a downright upright kind of defiling seems kinda weird).
#4: Big shots shouldn't defile themselves.
#5: They shouldn't shave their headsor the corners of their beards, or cut themselves.
#6: They should be holy re: YHWH, not use his name profanely. Because ('cuz why?) "the offerings of the LORD made by fire, and the bread of their God, they do offer: therefore they shall be holy."
#7: Holy honchos shouldn't marry whores or a profane woman, and they shouldn't steal a woman for us husband.
#8: Treat him as sanctified, because he burns bread for me. He should be holy to you, because "I the LORD, which sanctify you, am holy."
#9: If a priest's daughter becomes a prostitute, she's profaning her father, and she is to be burnt to death.
#10: High priests, the ones who get anointed and authorized to wear the priestly garments, should not uncover their heads or tear their clothes.
#11: "Neither shall he go in to any dead body, nor defile himself for his father, or for his mother..." ("Go in to" sounds dangerously close to "go in unto." Now, I'm really worrying that this stuff is about necrophilia.")
#12: He shouldn't leave the sanctuary (ever?), nor "profane the sanctuary of his God; for the crown of the anointing oil of his God is upon him: I am the LORD."
#13: His wife should be a virgin.
#14: He should not marry a widow, divorcée, profane woman, or whore. His bride must be "a virgin of his own people."
#15 "Neither shall he profane his seed among his people: for I the LORD do sanctify him." (Not sure whether this means treat your kids right, don't screw around, or don't have children with the wrong element).
#16: Then YHWH tells Moe...
#17: To tell Aaron that any of his physically defective offspring should not do the priestly rites (specifically, the offering of bread).
#18: Men with blemishes, blind men, lame men, people with flat noses or growths should not approach the altar.
#19: Same for people with broken feet or hands...
#20: Or with crooked backs, or dwarves, or people with blemishes in their eyes, or with scurvy, scabs, or "his stones broken" (yes, it means what you think it means);
#21: Do not let any physically defective descendants of Aaron near the offerings burned for God. If he's got a blemish, keep him away from God's bread.
#22: He gets to eat the holy bread (even the most holy)...
#23: But he must stay away from the vail and the altar because he is defective, and that would profane God's sacred sanctuaries.
#24: Moses told Aaron and sons and all of the Israelites.

Just when I think I've seen how deeply repellent this book can be, there's a new wrinkle (hmm, are wrinkles blemishes?). Yahweh wants to keep imperfect-looking and physically impaired people the fuck away from his holy offerings. God is love.

Leviticus 20

2007-11-24T08:51:00.000-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Again, thou shalt say to the children of Israel, Whosoever he be of the children of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn in Israel, that giveth any of his seed unto Molech; he shall surely be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with stones.

3 And I will set my face against that man, and will cut him off from among his people; because he hath given of his seed unto Molech, to defile my sanctuary, and to profane my holy name.

4 And if the people of the land do any ways hide their eyes from the man, when he giveth of his seed unto Molech, and kill him not:

5 Then I will set my face against that man, and against his family, and will cut him off, and all that go a whoring after him, to commit whoredom with Molech, from among their people.

6 And the soul that turneth after such as have familiar spirits, and after wizards, to go a whoring after them, I will even set my face against that soul, and will cut him off from among his people.

7 Sanctify yourselves therefore, and be ye holy: for I am the LORD your God.

8 And ye shall keep my statutes, and do them: I am the LORD which sanctify you.

9 For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.

10 And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.

11 And the man that lieth with his father's wife hath uncovered his father's nakedness: both of them shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

12 And if a man lie with his daughter in law, both of them shall surely be put to death: they have wrought confusion; their blood shall be upon them.

13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

14 And if a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you.

15 And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast.

16 And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

17 And if a man shall take his sister, his father's daughter, or his mother's daughter, and see her nakedness, and she see his nakedness; it is a wicked thing; and they shall be cut off in the sight of their people: he hath uncovered his sister's nakedness; he shall bear his iniquity.

18 And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people.

19 And thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother's sister, nor of thy father's sister: for he uncovereth his near kin: they shall bear their iniquity.

20 And if a man shall lie with his uncle's wife, he hath uncovered his uncle's nakedness: they shall bear their sin; they shall die childless.

21 And if a man shall take his brother's wife, it is an unclean thing: he hath uncovered his brother's nakedness; they shall be childless.

22 Ye shall therefore keep all my statutes, and all my judgments, and do them: that the land, whither I bring you to dwell therein, spue you not out.

23 And ye shall not walk in the manners of the nation, which I cast out before you: for they committed all these things, and therefore I abhorred them.

24 But I have said unto you, Ye shall inherit their land, and I will give it unto you to possess it, a land that floweth with milk and honey: I am the LORD your God, which have separated you from other people.

25 Ye shall therefore put difference between clean beasts and unclean, and between unclean fowls and clean: and ye shall not make your souls abominable by beast, or by fowl, or by any manner of living thing that creepeth on the ground, which I have separated from you as unclean.

26 And ye shall be holy unto me: for I the LORD am holy, and have severed you from other people, that ye should be mine.

27 A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them.

To set the mood, a little Martin Luther Lennon:

I stand right up and sing this little song
Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill

And shun. There's a lot of shunning, too, in this slate of moral guidance from our loving Creator.

#1: Yahweh done told Moses...
#2: Remind the Israelites not to sacrifice their kids to Molech. He that does "shall surely be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with (you'll never guess...) stones."
#3: "I will set my face against that man" and excommunicate him. (Somehow, sacrifices to a competing god defile YHWH's sanctuary and profane his "holy name.")
#4: If you shy away from confronting and killing the Molech-lover...
#5: Then the Lord will set against you and your whole family, as He will with anyone who goes "a whoring" after Molech.
#6: If you go a whoring after wizards and seers, God'll set his face against you and cut you off from your people.
#7: So sanctify yourself and be holy, "for I am the LORD your God."
#8: And observe Yahweh's statutes. "I am the LORD which sanctify you." (This is getting so repetitive, you'd almost think it was some kind of brainwashing. Except of course, it's good and holy and noble and moral and pure and all-around perfect).
#9: If you curse your father or mother, you'll be executed. If you did it, you've cursed your mother or father, and your blood will be spilled.
#10: If you commit adultery with a married woman, you'll both surely be put to death — even if her husband is an adulterer.
#11: Sleeping with your mom or stepmom, you're really fucking your father (or "uncovering his nakedness"). You and ma will surely be put to death.
#12: If you sleep with your daughter-in-law, you're causing "confusion," and you'll both be executed. (In all these scenarios, there is no exception for victims of non-consensual advances.)
#13: If a man has gay sex (or does it mean bi sex, because it says "also lie with..."?), "they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." (Is "they" the two men, the bi guy and his wife, or all of them? This verse is as confusing as sleeping with your daughter-in-law.)
#14: If you sleep with your wife and her mother, all of you will be burnt to death.
#15: If a man sleeps with an animal, he and the beast are put down.
#16: Same with woman and beast.
#17: If a man sleeps with"his sister, his father's daughter, or his mother's daughter," they'll be excommunicated.
#18: Paraphrasing wouldn't do justice to this description of the offense — grounds for excommunication — of sleeping with a menstruating woman: "And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people."
#19: Don't sleep with your aunts.
#20: And that includes your uncle's wife, because that's like fucking your uncle. If you do, "they shall die childless." (Does "they" refer to both fornicators, or the uncle and his Mrs.? And what happens if "they" already have kids? )
#21: Same deal if you "take" your brother's wife.
#22: Therefore (cuz why?), obey all of God's edicts, to keep Canaan from spitting you out.
#23: When in Canaan, don't do as the Canaanites do. They did all this bad stuff, and it was abhorrent to me, your Lord.
#24: Like I told you, you're going to inherit that milk-and-honey flowing land. "I am the LORD your God, which have separated you from other people." (This is before Brown vs. the Board of Education determined that separate wasn't really such a great idea).
#25: Therefore ('cause you're a breed apart, I guess), differentiate between between clean and unclean beasts and fowls, and don't do things with animals or insects that would make you abominable.
#26: Be holy to me, "for I the LORD am holy, and have severed you from other people, that ye should be mine. (Gosh, this doesn't sound like a nice, inclusive deity, loving creator of all mankind, does it?)
#27: Oh, and one more thing: if you're a wizard or seer, you'll be stoned with stones.

Leviticus 19

2007-11-23T08:11:00.001-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto all the congregation of the children of Israel, and say unto them, Ye shall be holy: for I the LORD your God am holy.

3 Ye shall fear every man his mother, and his father, and keep my sabbaths: I am the LORD your God.

4 Turn ye not unto idols, nor make to yourselves molten gods: I am the LORD your God.

5 And if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offerings unto the LORD, ye shall offer it at your own will.

6 It shall be eaten the same day ye offer it, and on the morrow: and if ought remain until the third day, it shall be burnt in the fire.

7 And if it be eaten at all on the third day, it is abominable; it shall not be accepted.

8 Therefore every one that eateth it shall bear his iniquity, because he hath profaned the hallowed thing of the LORD: and that soul shall be cut off from among his people.

9 And when ye reap the harvest of your land, thou shalt not wholly reap the corners of thy field, neither shalt thou gather the gleanings of thy harvest.

10 And thou shalt not glean thy vineyard, neither shalt thou gather every grape of thy vineyard; thou shalt leave them for the poor and stranger: I am the LORD your God.

11 Ye shall not steal, neither deal falsely, neither lie one to another.

12 And ye shall not swear by my name falsely, neither shalt thou profane the name of thy God: I am the LORD.

13 Thou shalt not defraud thy neighbour, neither rob him: the wages of him that is hired shall not abide with thee all night until the morning.

14 Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumblingblock before the blind, but shalt fear thy God: I am the LORD.

15 Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment: thou shalt not respect the person of the poor, nor honor the person of the mighty: but in righteousness shalt thou judge thy neighbour.

16 Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour; I am the LORD.

17 Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him.

18 Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the LORD.

19 Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.

20 And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged; they shall not be put to death, because she was not free.

21 And he shall bring his trespass offering unto the LORD, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, even a ram for a trespass offering.

22 And the priest shall make an atonement for him with the ram of the trespass offering before the LORD for his sin which he hath done: and the sin which he hath done shall be forgiven him.

23 And when ye shall come into the land, and shall have planted all manner of trees for food, then ye shall count the fruit thereof as uncircumcised: three years shall it be as uncircumcised unto you: it shall not be eaten of.

24 But in the fourth year all the fruit thereof shall be holy to praise the LORD withal.

25 And in the fifth year shall ye eat of the fruit thereof, that it may yield unto you the increase thereof: I am the LORD your God.

26 Ye shall not eat any thing with the blood: neither shall ye use enchantment, nor observe times.

27 Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

28 Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.

29 Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness.

30 Ye shall keep my sabbaths, and reverence my sanctuary: I am the LORD.

31 Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God.

32 Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD.

33 And if a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not vex him.

34 But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.

35 Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment, in meteyard, in weight, or in measure.

36 Just balances, just weights, a just ephah, and a just hin, shall ye have: I am the LORD your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt.

37 Therefore shall ye observe all my statutes, and all my judgments, and do them: I am the LORD.

#1: YHWH tells Moses...
#2: ... to tell the Israelites to be holy, because I, your god, am holy.
#3: Everyone should fear their parents and observe the sabbaths. (Yeah, it's supposed to mean "respect," but tell me that "fear" doesn't suggest to you a little edge, a little intimidation? Some later translations steer away from "fear," some do not. We still say "fear of God" and "godfearing," don't we? Because the implication of quivering obiesence is still part of the deal, no?)
#4: No idols. "I am the LORD your God." (Fasten your redundancy belts. Mr. Bible Writer Man's Alzheimer's is kicking in.)
#5: And if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offerings unto the LORD, ye shall offer it at your own will. (LOL over this order for freely given "peace offerings," both because of the commanding tone and because it follows yet another ominous "I am the LORD your God" warning shot.
#6: Peace offerings should be eaten over one or two days. Burn any leftovers.
#7: It's unacceptable to eat a three-day-old peace offering.
#8: You'll be sinful if you eat a peace offering after its expiration date, because you're besmirching a holy thing, and your punishment will be excommunication.
#9: When you harvest your land, leave the crops in the corners, and don't pick up crops that fell on the ground.
#10: Don't pick up the dropped fruit in your vineyard, and don't pick every last piece of fruit in it. That stuff is for poor people and strangers. BTW, "I am the LORD your God."
#11: Don't steal, double-deal, or lie.
#12: Don't falsely take oaths in my name or swear using my name. And, if I may my drop my own name once again, "I am the LORD."
#13: Don't cheat or rob your neighbor. Don't hold out your hired hands' pay overnight.
#14: Don't curse deaf people or place obstacles in the path of blind people; instead, "fear thy God: I am the LORD."
#15: Don't be an unjust judge. Don't favor either the poor (unfortunately phrased as "thou shalt not respect the person of the poor") or lean toward the mighty.
#16: Don't go slandering about, and don't "stand against the blood of thy neighbour; I am the LORD." (The latter point is a bit vague, I guess it means not to root, root, root — or shoot, shoot shoot — against the home team.)
#17: Don't hate your brother or sin against your neighbor, but do speak up if he's doing wrong, lest you be adjudged guilty, too.
#18: Don't hold or carry out grudges against fellow Israelites. Instead "love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the LORD." (That's a great and famous sentiment, though people unsurprisingly always leave out the heavyhanded "I am the LORD" part. It's also "do as I say, not as I do" advice from the sky guy who carries out revenge over four generations).
#19: "Keep my statutes. Don't let your cattle crossbreed, and don't mix different types of seed in your field. Likewise, linen-wool blends are verboten. (Other translations come down against all blended fabrics. Also, "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with..." is the first time I've seen "gender" used as a verb. I wonder if they had songs like "I Wanna Gender You Up, Baby.")
#20: If you fuck a slave that's supposed to marry another guy, she'll be "scourged" (Which can mean "chastised" or "whipped." Why should you be punished — you're just the free man who took advantage of a slave?) The two of you "shall not be put to death, because she was not free." (Given the implication that other adulterers are put to death, this means that banging someone's slave is more moral than fornicating with a free woman. Something to teach your children.)
#21: The slave-fucker needs to bring a ram to the tabernacle as a trespass offering.
#22: By killing the ram, the priest atones for the slave-fucking, and the transgression is forgiven.
#23: When you "come into the land" (when you arrive in Canaan, I presume) and plant all kinds of fruit trees, the fruit in the first three years is considered "uncircumcised" (i.e., "spiritually impure.").
#24: Fourth-year fruit is a holy offering to YHWH.
#25: After a mere five years, you get to eat fruit from your trees.
#26: Don't eat blood (since when?), and don't "use enchantment, nor observe times." (Apparently "observe times" refers to fortune-telling and augury.)
#27: Don't "round the corners of your heads" or "mar the corners of thy beard." (Not sure I follow this style statement, but whatever.)
#28: Don't cut your flesh for the dead (sure, no skin off my nose) or "print any marks upon you: I am the LORD" (tattoos are taboo).
#29: Don't make your daughter into a whore, because then this place would be full of whores and wickedness. (Is that really the best argument they could come up with?)
#30: Observe the Sabbath and revere my temple. "I am the LORD."
#31: "Regard not them that have familiar spirits" (cool phrase that, apparently meaning psychics and the like), neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God (Seeing a wizard is to "be defiled." Dumbledore can't catch a break in this book.).
#32: "Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD." That is, stand in respect for old people. And fear God (psst, he is the Lord).
#33: Don't be mean to strangers.
#34: Treat strangers as if they were natives, after all you were strangers in Egypt. "I am the LORD your God." (But we're still supposed to keep 'em away from our holy food, right?)
#35: Don't cheat when you're measuring stuff.
#36: Give honest weights (just like Toledo scales).
#37: Therefore ('cuz why?), follow all my rules and judgments. "I am the LORD."

Leviticus 18

2007-11-21T07:20:00.000-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, I am the LORD your God.

3 After the doings of the land of Egypt, wherein ye dwelt, shall ye not do: and after the doings of the land of Canaan, whither I bring you, shall ye not do: neither shall ye walk in their ordinances.

4 Ye shall do my judgments, and keep mine ordinances, to walk therein: I am the LORD your God.

5 Ye shall therefore keep my statutes, and my judgments: which if a man do, he shall live in them: I am the LORD.

6 None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness: I am the LORD.

7 The nakedness of thy father, or the nakedness of thy mother, shalt thou not uncover: she is thy mother; thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.

8 The nakedness of thy father's wife shalt thou not uncover: it is thy father's nakedness.

9 The nakedness of thy sister, the daughter of thy father, or daughter of thy mother, whether she be born at home, or born abroad, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover.

10 The nakedness of thy son's daughter, or of thy daughter's daughter, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover: for theirs is thine own nakedness.

11 The nakedness of thy father's wife's daughter, begotten of thy father, she is thy sister, thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.

12 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's sister: she is thy father's near kinswoman.

13 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother's sister: for she is thy mother's near kinswoman.

14 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's brother, thou shalt not approach to his wife: she is thine aunt.

15 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy daughter in law: she is thy son's wife; thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.

16 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy brother's wife: it is thy brother's nakedness.

17 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of a woman and her daughter, neither shalt thou take her son's daughter, or her daughter's daughter, to uncover her nakedness; for they are her near kinswomen: it is wickedness.

18 Neither shalt thou take a wife to her sister, to vex her, to uncover her nakedness, beside the other in her life time.

19 Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness.

20 Moreover thou shalt not lie carnally with thy neighbour's wife, to defile thyself with her.

21 And thou shalt not let any of thy seed pass through the fire to Molech, neither shalt thou profane the name of thy God: I am the LORD.

22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.

23 Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion.

24 Defile not ye yourselves in any of these things: for in all these the nations are defiled which I cast out before you:

25 And the land is defiled: therefore I do visit the iniquity thereof upon it, and the land itself vomiteth out her inhabitants.

26 Ye shall therefore keep my statutes and my judgments, and shall not commit any of these abominations; neither any of your own nation, nor any stranger that sojourneth among you:

27 (For all these abominations have the men of the land done, which were before you, and the land is defiled;)

28 That the land spue not you out also, when ye defile it, as it spued out the nations that were before you.

29 For whosoever shall commit any of these abominations, even the souls that commit them shall be cut off from among their people.

30 Therefore shall ye keep mine ordinance, that ye commit not any one of these abominable customs, which were committed before you, and that ye defile not yourselves therein: I am the LORD your God.

We got us some serious hellfire and brimstone this time out.

#1: God sez to Moses, he sez...
#2: Tell the Israelites that "I am the LORD your God." (If you don't know me by now...)
#3: Don't walk like an Egyptian or a Canaanite.
#4: Do what I tell you, "I am the LORD your God." (Lighten up on that CapsLock key, sport.)
#5: If you live the life I tell you to live, you'll live a life. You know how I just said to do what I tell you to do because I'm your LORD? Well, do what I tell you because I am the LORD. (When Rudy Giuliani did this Mad Lib, he put "9/11" where YHWH wrote "the LORD.")
#6: Don't come on to your relatives "to uncover their nakedness: I am the LORD." ("Uncover their nakedness" is a rather bald euphemism for, well, you know... So, was Ham boning his father, Noah, back in Genesis 9?)
#7: Don't uncover the nakedness of your father or mother. (Not sure how that wasn't covered, so to speak, by #6).
#8: Don't uncover the nakedness of your father's wife. (Is this one of those logic puzzles? I get it, the doctor was a woman!)
#9: Don't uncover the nakedness of your sister, who is the daughter of your father or mother, even if she was born abroad. (Make your own "born abroad" joke here, and then wonder why this fine point is necessary).
#10: Don't uncover the nakedness of your granddaughter. (Dear Mr. Bible Writer Man, we understand the theory of relativity. Can we move on now? Or maybe not: the lack of a matching grandson clause is a little worrisome.)
#11: Don't uncover the nakedness of your sister, y'know, your father's wife's daughter. (Um, two times in three verses. This is getting a little Freudian, my friend.)
#12: Don't uncover you're aunt's nakedness, either. At least not the aunt on your father's side.
#13: Same deal on your mother's side.
#14: Your uncle's wife is also off limits. (No such clause for your aunt's husband. That's nice, a handy loophole for the kind of guy who puts the "uncle" into "unclean.")
#15: Don't uncover the nakedness of your daughter-in-law. (But honest, officer, she was wearing a veil like a whore, and...)
#16: No sisters-in-law, either.
#17: You can't uncover the nakedness of both a woman and her daughter or granddaughter (Oh, no, Mrs. Burke! I thought you were Dale!).
#18: Don't vex your wife by marrying her sister... while your wife is still alive, that is. (There's a murder-mystery premise for you. Also, this is another one without a reverse-gender version, which means that women aren't specifically banned from polygamy at this point, assuming that's what this one is about; maybe that "father's wife's daughter" distinction in #11 spoke to multi-wife scenarios, as well.)
#19: Don't uncover a woman's nakedness when she's menstruating.
#20: Don't copulate with your neighbor's wife "to defile thyself with her." (Interesting. When Mr. Bible Writer Man starts talking about the neighbor's wife, suddenly the euphemisms fall away. If it takes his mind off his sister, is that really such a bad thing?)
#21: Don't "let any of thy seed pass through the fire to Molech." (How about a little context, guys? Apparently Molech was a competing god that digs human sacrifices, not that we're quite sure ol "I own all the firstborn males" doesn't swing that way, himself.) And don't "profane the name of thy God: I am the LORD." (This comes out of nowhere, too. Speaking of, does He mean not to swear with his name in the act of lovemaking, or in general?)
#22: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination." (There it is. A Biblical ban on homosexuality — assuming, of course, that this was written for the male hetero audience; if the target audience was lesbians, then it's a whole other deal. Though trading in Hebrew slaves, killing Sabbath-day workers, and animal sacrifice have gone by the wayside, this narrowminded tradition just keeps on giving. Lines like this make the "holy" status accorded this book most troubling. Because of what some prejudiced twit wrote a few thousand years back, we're supposed to deny equality to one-tenth of our neighbors. Shame on anyone who prioritizes the "sanctity" of this dubious tome over the people it maligns.)
#23: Bestiality is "confusion." (And a capital crime in YHWH's book).
#24: Don't defile yourself in the ways I just said not to defile yourself with. The other nations I'm throwing out on their asses in your favor do these prohibited things.
#25: "And the land is defiled: therefore I do visit the iniquity thereof upon it, and the land itself vomiteth out her inhabitants." ("Visit the iniquity" would be a great Vegas slogan, but it's an interesting choice of phrasing here. Is Yahweh saying he's bringing on the sinfulness or the shame?)
#26: Don't you or any strangers among you do any of this forbidden stuff. (Correct me if I'm wrong, and I may be, but I don't think so: I'm getting the impression that he doesn't want us to do these things.)
#27: 'Cause people have been doing this stuff, and they besmirched the land.
#28: We wouldn't want you to get vomited out of the land, now, would we?
#29: Anyone who commits "these abominations" will be excommunicated.
#30: So don't do it, get it? Don't defile yourselves, OK!? "I am the LORD your God."

Leviticus 17

2007-11-20T19:14:00.000-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto Aaron, and unto his sons, and unto all the children of Israel, and say unto them; This is the thing which the LORD hath commanded, saying,

3 What man soever there be of the house of Israel, that killeth an ox, or lamb, or goat, in the camp, or that killeth it out of the camp,

4 And bringeth it not unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, to offer an offering unto the LORD before the tabernacle of the LORD; blood shall be imputed unto that man; he hath shed blood; and that man shall be cut off from among his people:

5 To the end that the children of Israel may bring their sacrifices, which they offer in the open field, even that they may bring them unto the LORD, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, unto the priest, and offer them for peace offerings unto the LORD.

6 And the priest shall sprinkle the blood upon the altar of the LORD at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the LORD.

7 And they shall no more offer their sacrifices unto devils, after whom they have gone a whoring. This shall be a statute for ever unto them throughout their generations.

8 And thou shalt say unto them, Whatsoever man there be of the house of Israel, or of the strangers which sojourn among you, that offereth a burnt offering or sacrifice,

9 And bringeth it not unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, to offer it unto the LORD; even that man shall be cut off from among his people.

10 And whatsoever man there be of the house of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn among you, that eateth any manner of blood; I will even set my face against that soul that eateth blood, and will cut him off from among his people.

11 For the life of the flesh is in the blood: and I have given it to you upon the altar to make an atonement for your souls: for it is the blood that maketh an atonement for the soul.

12 Therefore I said unto the children of Israel, No soul of you shall eat blood, neither shall any stranger that sojourneth among you eat blood.

13 And whatsoever man there be of the children of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn among you, which hunteth and catcheth any beast or fowl that may be eaten; he shall even pour out the blood thereof, and cover it with dust.

14 For it is the life of all flesh; the blood of it is for the life thereof: therefore I said unto the children of Israel, Ye shall eat the blood of no manner of flesh: for the life of all flesh is the blood thereof: whosoever eateth it shall be cut off.

15 And every soul that eateth that which died of itself, or that which was torn with beasts, whether it be one of your own country, or a stranger, he shall both wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even: then shall he be clean.

16 But if he wash them not, nor bathe his flesh; then he shall bear his iniquity.

The Lord tells Moses to tell Aaron and sons and all the Israelites that if they kill an ox, lamb, or goat (either in the camp or out of the camp — i.e., anywhere, right?)...

And if they don't offer it to the Lord at the tabernacle, they have blood on their hands and are to be excommunicated.

The first part of this chapter is vaguely worded — it kind of sounds like God and the priests get all the meat, but the context suggests that it just means that you'll be shunned if you do animal sacrifices anywhere else but at the tabernacle (where, one might note, the priests will get their cut).

The priest will then sprinkle blood and burn that sweet, savoury fat for the Lord.

The people will stop sacrificing "unto devils, after whom they have gone a whoring." Ah, Mr. Bible Writer Man has an ear for the language of sin!

This rule will be in place forever (just like the ritual slaughtering of bullocks, etc.).

Tell the Israelites that they, or strangers in their midsts, who offer sacrifices elsewhere than the tabernacle, they'll be cut off (didn't we just go over that?).

And ditto for anyone (including strangers) who eats any sort of blood. I guess all meat needs to be prepared by the Ice Truck Killer.

God says "I will even set my face against that soul that eateth blood, and will cut him off from among his people." I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it doesn't sound good, especially coming from a guy with a face that makes your head melt or explode or something if you look at it.

The reason for this prohibition is that "the life of the flesh is in the blood." It's for makin' atonement, not for eatin'.

So, don't eat it. Capische?

And if you catch any game, be sure to pour the blood out of it and cover it with dust.

Because, in case you didn't get it the other four times (and in the previous chapters), it's the essence of life, so don't eat it or you'll be struck off.

Also, if you eat animals that died of natural causes or were killed by other beasts, wash your clothes and bathe, because you're dirty until the evening. If you don't, the iniquity will be upon you.

Leviticus 16

2007-11-20T15:49:00.001-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses after the death of the two sons of Aaron, when they offered before the LORD, and died;

2 And the LORD said unto Moses, Speak unto Aaron thy brother, that he come not at all times into the holy place within the vail before the mercy seat, which is upon the ark; that he die not: for I will appear in the cloud upon the mercy seat.

3 Thus shall Aaron come into the holy place: with a young bullock for a sin offering, and a ram for a burnt offering.

4 He shall put on the holy linen coat, and he shall have the linen breeches upon his flesh, and shall be girded with a linen girdle, and with the linen mitre shall he be attired: these are holy garments; therefore shall he wash his flesh in water, and so put them on.

5 And he shall take of the congregation of the children of Israel two kids of the goats for a sin offering, and one ram for a burnt offering.

6 And Aaron shall offer his bullock of the sin offering, which is for himself, and make an atonement for himself, and for his house.

7 And he shall take the two goats, and present them before the LORD at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.

8 And Aaron shall cast lots upon the two goats; one lot for the LORD, and the other lot for the scapegoat.

9 And Aaron shall bring the goat upon which the LORD's lot fell, and offer him for a sin offering.

10 But the goat, on which the lot fell to be the scapegoat, shall be presented alive before the LORD, to make an atonement with him, and to let him go for a scapegoat into the wilderness.

11 And Aaron shall bring the bullock of the sin offering, which is for himself, and shall make an atonement for himself, and for his house, and shall kill the bullock of the sin offering which is for himself:

12 And he shall take a censer full of burning coals of fire from off the altar before the LORD, and his hands full of sweet incense beaten small, and bring it within the vail:

13 And he shall put the incense upon the fire before the LORD, that the cloud of the incense may cover the mercy seat that is upon the testimony, that he die not:

14 And he shall take of the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it with his finger upon the mercy seat eastward; and before the mercy seat shall he sprinkle of the blood with his finger seven times.

15 Then shall he kill the goat of the sin offering, that is for the people, and bring his blood within the vail, and do with that blood as he did with the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it upon the mercy seat, and before the mercy seat:

16 And he shall make an atonement for the holy place, because of the uncleanness of the children of Israel, and because of their transgressions in all their sins: and so shall he do for the tabernacle of the congregation, that remaineth among them in the midst of their uncleanness.

17 And there shall be no man in the tabernacle of the congregation when he goeth in to make an atonement in the holy place, until he come out, and have made an atonement for himself, and for his household, and for all the congregation of Israel.

18 And he shall go out unto the altar that is before the LORD, and make an atonement for it; and shall take of the blood of the bullock, and of the blood of the goat, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about.

19 And he shall sprinkle of the blood upon it with his finger seven times, and cleanse it, and hallow it from the uncleanness of the children of Israel.

20 And when he hath made an end of reconciling the holy place, and the tabernacle of the congregation, and the altar, he shall bring the live goat:

21 And Aaron shall lay both his hands upon the head of the live goat, and confess over him all the iniquities of the children of Israel, and all their transgressions in all their sins, putting them upon the head of the goat, and shall send him away by the hand of a fit man into the wilderness:

22 And the goat shall bear upon him all their iniquities unto a land not inhabited: and he shall let go the goat in the wilderness.

23 And Aaron shall come into the tabernacle of the congregation, and shall put off the linen garments, which he put on when he went into the holy place, and shall leave them there:

24 And he shall wash his flesh with water in the holy place, and put on his garments, and come forth, and offer his burnt offering, and the burnt offering of the people, and make an atonement for himself, and for the people.

25 And the fat of the sin offering shall he burn upon the altar.

26 And he that let go the goat for the scapegoat shall wash his clothes, and bathe his flesh in water, and afterward come into the camp.

27 And the bullock for the sin offering, and the goat for the sin offering, whose blood was brought in to make atonement in the holy place, shall one carry forth without the camp; and they shall burn in the fire their skins, and their flesh, and their dung.

28 And he that burneth them shall wash his clothes, and bathe his flesh in water, and afterward he shall come into the camp.

29 And this shall be a statute for ever unto you: that in the seventh month, on the tenth day of the month, ye shall afflict your souls, and do no work at all, whether it be one of your own country, or a stranger that sojourneth among you:

30 For on that day shall the priest make an atonement for you, to cleanse you, that ye may be clean from all your sins before the LORD.

31 It shall be a sabbath of rest unto you, and ye shall afflict your souls, by a statute for ever.

32 And the priest, whom he shall anoint, and whom he shall consecrate to minister in the priest's office in his father's stead, shall make the atonement, and shall put on the linen clothes, even the holy garments:

33 And he shall make an atonement for the holy sanctuary, and he shall make an atonement for the tabernacle of the congregation, and for the altar, and he shall make an atonement for the priests, and for all the people of the congregation.

34 And this shall be an everlasting statute unto you, to make an atonement for the children of Israel for all their sins once a year. And he did as the LORD commanded Moses.

YHWH, murderer of two of Aaron's sons, tells Moses that Aaron better stay away from "the holy place within the vail before the mercy seat," or else he'll be killed.

But Aaron can come to the holy place with offerings of a young bullock and a ram. His two burnt-offering kids just weren't enough for The Great and Merciful Lord.

He's to wear more linen than a southern lawyer and take "two kids" (ever hear the phrase "too soon," Yahweh?), goats that is, from the congregation as additional sacrifices.

Aaron's supposed to flip a coin or something and see which goat is for the Lord, and which is "for the scapegoat."

The Lord's goat is killed as a sin offering, while the scapegoat is set free in the wilderness. Being a scapegoat doesn't sound that bad, certainly better than being the bullock, which is killed as Aaron's personal sin offering.

Aaron is also to burn some incense (we've just moved past "too soon" into total mindfuck for the guy whose two kids were just burned alive for, y'know, burning incense).

The cloud from the incense needs to cover the mercy seat, otherwise Aaron will (or at least might) die.

He's supposed to sprinkle bullock blood on the east side of the mercy seat and sprinkle bullock blood in front of the seat, using his finger, seven times. Thank goodness we're reading the Holy Bible and not some weird, sick cult literature, eh?

Then Aaron is to kill the goat as the people's sin offering and sprinkle its blood like he did the bullock's.

This is to "make an atonement for the holy place, because of the uncleanness of the children of Israel, and because of their transgressions in all their sins." Got a problem? Kill some livestock!

Aaron's supposed to do this whole ritual by himself, and then he's supposed to make an atonement for the altar (wow, even the altar is a sinner!), taking blood from the bullock and goat and spraying it around the altar's horns. See, nothing freaky going on here!

Now that he's got the holy place, the tabernacle, and the altar all bloody-well cleaned up, he's to bring in the live goat, confess over it all the sins of the Israelites (does that include believing in this ghastly book?). This scapegoat, escorted by a "fit man," carries the sins off into the wilderness.

Then Aaron is to strip off the linen garment in the tabernacle and leave them there, wash himself, put his other clothes back on and cook up the burnt offerings for the people and himself.

The buff dude that shepherded (well, goat-herded) the scapegoat is to wash his clothes and himself and head into the camp.

The skin, flesh, and dung of the goat are to be burned outside the camp.

The skin/flesh/dung burner (looks great on a résumé) is to wash himself and his clothes before returning to the camp.

Forever more, on the tenth day of the seven month, "ye shall afflict your souls" (where's the pleasure in that?) and "do no work at all" (well, a day off is a day off), and the priest will "make an atonement for you, to cleanse you, that ye may be clean from all your sins before the LORD" (which is nice). This, a bit of wiki-ing reveals, is what we call Yom Kippur. Not sure if they do the sacrifices nowadays or if it's never mind the bullocks.

After a few more reminders that this is supposed to be done forever and ever, we find that Aaron did as he was instructed.

Leviticus 15

2007-11-20T08:36:00.001-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses and to Aaron, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When any man hath a running issue out of his flesh, because of his issue he is unclean.

3 And this shall be his uncleanness in his issue: whether his flesh run with his issue, or his flesh be stopped from his issue, it is his uncleanness.

4 Every bed, whereon he lieth that hath the issue, is unclean: and every thing, whereon he sitteth, shall be unclean.

5 And whosoever toucheth his bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

6 And he that sitteth on any thing whereon he sat that hath the issue shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

7 And he that toucheth the flesh of him that hath the issue shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

8 And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean; then he shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

9 And what saddle soever he rideth upon that hath the issue shall be unclean.

10 And whosoever toucheth any thing that was under him shall be unclean until the even: and he that beareth any of those things shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

11 And whomsoever he toucheth that hath the issue, and hath not rinsed his hands in water, he shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

12 And the vessel of earth, that he toucheth which hath the issue, shall be broken: and every vessel of wood shall be rinsed in water.

13 And when he that hath an issue is cleansed of his issue; then he shall number to himself seven days for his cleansing, and wash his clothes, and bathe his flesh in running water, and shall be clean.

14 And on the eighth day he shall take to him two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, and come before the LORD unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and give them unto the priest:

15 And the priest shall offer them, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for him before the LORD for his issue.

16 And if any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even.

17 And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even.

18 The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even.

19 And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even.

20 And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean.

21 And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

22 And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

23 And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even.

24 And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean.

25 And if a woman have an issue of her blood many days out of the time of her separation, or if it run beyond the time of her separation; all the days of the issue of her uncleanness shall be as the days of her separation: she shall be unclean.

26 Every bed whereon she lieth all the days of her issue shall be unto her as the bed of her separation: and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean, as the uncleanness of her separation.

27 And whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean, and shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

28 But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean.

29 And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.

30 And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness.

31 Thus shall ye separate the children of Israel from their uncleanness; that they die not in their uncleanness, when they defile my tabernacle that is among them.

32 This is the law of him that hath an issue, and of him whose seed goeth from him, and is defiled therewith;

33 And of her that is sick of her flowers, and of him that hath an issue, of the man, and of the woman, and of him that lieth with her that is unclean.

This is the law of dishonorable discharge.

According to the God's Word translation, this is — from the get-go — specifically about genital discharge, and given the topics throughout the chapter, I reckon that's correct.

If you've gotten that penile pus (or your hands that touched it) on anything — a bed, clothes, saddle, earthenware, Wiimote — that thing's officially dirty until it's cleaned or broken.

And just like it says in "Physicians' Desk Reference," having a priest slaughter two turtle doves or two young pigeons will help with good schmucky's revival.

Semen also makes you and those who touch you unclean. So does your "lady's time" and similar bleeding at other times (i.e., you're "sick of your flowers"). In the latter case, a couple of turtles (did Mr. Bible Writer Man mean to say "turtledoves"?) or two pigeons must die to atone for your sinful bleeding.

Leviticus 14

2007-11-17T10:12:00.001-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 This shall be the law of the leper in the day of his cleansing: He shall be brought unto the priest:

3 And the priest shall go forth out of the camp; and the priest shall look, and, behold, if the plague of leprosy be healed in the leper;

4 Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean, and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop:

5 And the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water:

6 As for the living bird, he shall take it, and the cedar wood, and the scarlet, and the hyssop, and shall dip them and the living bird in the blood of the bird that was killed over the running water:

7 And he shall sprinkle upon him that is to be cleansed from the leprosy seven times, and shall pronounce him clean, and shall let the living bird loose into the open field.

8 And he that is to be cleansed shall wash his clothes, and shave off all his hair, and wash himself in water, that he may be clean: and after that he shall come into the camp, and shall tarry abroad out of his tent seven days.

9 But it shall be on the seventh day, that he shall shave all his hair off his head and his beard and his eyebrows, even all his hair he shall shave off: and he shall wash his clothes, also he shall wash his flesh in water, and he shall be clean.

10 And on the eighth day he shall take two he lambs without blemish, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish, and three tenth deals of fine flour for a meat offering, mingled with oil, and one log of oil.

11 And the priest that maketh him clean shall present the man that is to be made clean, and those things, before the LORD, at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation:

12 And the priest shall take one he lamb, and offer him for a trespass offering, and the log of oil, and wave them for a wave offering before the LORD:

13 And he shall slay the lamb in the place where he shall kill the sin offering and the burnt offering, in the holy place: for as the sin offering is the priest's, so is the trespass offering: it is most holy:

14 And the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and the priest shall put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot:

15 And the priest shall take some of the log of oil, and pour it into the palm of his own left hand:

16 And the priest shall dip his right finger in the oil that is in his left hand, and shall sprinkle of the oil with his finger seven times before the LORD:

17 And of the rest of the oil that is in his hand shall the priest put upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the blood of the trespass offering:

18 And the remnant of the oil that is in the priest's hand he shall pour upon the head of him that is to be cleansed: and the priest shall make an atonement for him before the LORD.

19 And the priest shall offer the sin offering, and make an atonement for him that is to be cleansed from his uncleanness; and afterward he shall kill the burnt offering:

20 And the priest shall offer the burnt offering and the meat offering upon the altar: and the priest shall make an atonement for him, and he shall be clean.

21 And if he be poor, and cannot get so much; then he shall take one lamb for a trespass offering to be waved, to make an atonement for him, and one tenth deal of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering, and a log of oil;

22 And two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, such as he is able to get; and the one shall be a sin offering, and the other a burnt offering.

23 And he shall bring them on the eighth day for his cleansing unto the priest, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, before the LORD.

24 And the priest shall take the lamb of the trespass offering, and the log of oil, and the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD:

25 And he shall kill the lamb of the trespass offering, and the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot:

26 And the priest shall pour of the oil into the palm of his own left hand:

27 And the priest shall sprinkle with his right finger some of the oil that is in his left hand seven times before the LORD:

28 And the priest shall put of the oil that is in his hand upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the place of the blood of the trespass offering:

29 And the rest of the oil that is in the priest's hand he shall put upon the head of him that is to be cleansed, to make an atonement for him before the LORD.

30 And he shall offer the one of the turtledoves, or of the young pigeons, such as he can get;

31 Even such as he is able to get, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, with the meat offering: and the priest shall make an atonement for him that is to be cleansed before the LORD.

32 This is the law of him in whom is the plague of leprosy, whose hand is not able to get that which pertaineth to his cleansing.

33 And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying,

34 When ye be come into the land of Canaan, which I give to you for a possession, and I put the plague of leprosy in a house of the land of your possession;

35 And he that owneth the house shall come and tell the priest, saying, It seemeth to me there is as it were a plague in the house:

36 Then the priest shall command that they empty the house, before the priest go into it to see the plague, that all that is in the house be not made unclean: and afterward the priest shall go in to see the house:

37 And he shall look on the plague, and, behold, if the plague be in the walls of the house with hollow strakes, greenish or reddish, which in sight are lower than the wall;

38 Then the priest shall go out of the house to the door of the house, and shut up the house seven days:

39 And the priest shall come again the seventh day, and shall look: and, behold, if the plague be spread in the walls of the house;

40 Then the priest shall command that they take away the stones in which the plague is, and they shall cast them into an unclean place without the city:

41 And he shall cause the house to be scraped within round about, and they shall pour out the dust that they scrape off without the city into an unclean place:

42 And they shall take other stones, and put them in the place of those stones; and he shall take other morter, and shall plaister the house.

43 And if the plague come again, and break out in the house, after that he hath taken away the stones, and after he hath scraped the house, and after it is plaistered;

44 Then the priest shall come and look, and, behold, if the plague be spread in the house, it is a fretting leprosy in the house; it is unclean.

45 And he shall break down the house, the stones of it, and the timber thereof, and all the morter of the house; and he shall carry them forth out of the city into an unclean place.

46 Moreover he that goeth into the house all the while that it is shut up shall be unclean until the even.

47 And he that lieth in the house shall wash his clothes; and he that eateth in the house shall wash his clothes.

48 And if the priest shall come in, and look upon it, and, behold, the plague hath not spread in the house, after the house was plaistered: then the priest shall pronounce the house clean, because the plague is healed.

49 And he shall take to cleanse the house two birds, and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop:

50 And he shall kill the one of the birds in an earthen vessel over running water:

51 And he shall take the cedar wood, and the hyssop, and the scarlet, and the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird, and in the running water, and sprinkle the house seven times:

52 And he shall cleanse the house with the blood of the bird, and with the running water, and with the living bird, and with the cedar wood, and with the hyssop, and with the scarlet:

53 But he shall let go the living bird out of the city into the open fields, and make an atonement for the house: and it shall be clean.

54 This is the law for all manner of plague of leprosy, and scall,

55 And for the leprosy of a garment, and of a house,

56 And for a rising, and for a scab, and for a bright spot:

57 To teach when it is unclean, and when it is clean: this is the law of leprosy.

It's leper-cleaning time!

God sez that if the leper is healed to take two clean, living birds, along with cedar wood, scarlet (what's that?), and hyssop. One bird is to be killed in an earthenware vessel over running water (for the obvious medical and spiritual benefits), and the other one (along with the other stuff) is dipped in the blood of the sacrificed bird — a birdbath and bloodbath in one!

The priest sprinkles bird blood on the ex-leper (for the obvious medical and spiritual benefits), and pronounces him clean (counterintuitive, ain't it?).

The priest then sets the surviving bird, soaked in his brother's blood, free. What a beautiful and uplifting image!

The ex-leper washes his clothes, shaves his hair, and bathes. And he was so clean already! He is to hang around (not in his tent) for a week. After the week, he's to shave all his hair and wash his clothes and himself (not sure if this is again or that's when this extra-cleansing ritual is to take place).

The next day, he's to take two unblemished lambs and a one-year-old ewe, along with some fine flour and oil...

The priest brings him and the stuff he brought to the tabernacle, where he slays and waves and all that. He smears some blood and oil on the ex-leper's righthand this-and-that.

Now the guy is considered really clean. The sacrifice is an atonement — for having been sick. This quality of mercy seems pretty strained.

If the ex-leper is poor, he can bring just one lamb and two turtledoves or two young pigeons, and less flour along with the oil, and the priest does his whole schtik with that lesser offering.

The Lord tells Moses and Aaron what to do when he puts "the plague of leprosy in a house of the land of your possession [i.e., Canaan.]" Maybe it's looking a gift horse in the mouth, but if it were me I'd ask YHWH, I don't know, not to infect our neighbors with leprosy. Just puttin' that out there....

Leviticus 13

2007-11-10T09:36:00.000-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses and Aaron, saying,

2 When a man shall have in the skin of his flesh a rising, a scab, or bright spot, and it be in the skin of his flesh like the plague of leprosy; then he shall be brought unto Aaron the priest, or unto one of his sons the priests:

3 And the priest shall look on the plague in the skin of the flesh: and when the hair in the plague is turned white, and the plague in sight be deeper than the skin of his flesh, it is a plague of leprosy: and the priest shall look on him, and pronounce him unclean.

4 If the bright spot be white in the skin of his flesh, and in sight be not deeper than the skin, and the hair thereof be not turned white; then the priest shall shut up him that hath the plague seven days:

5 And the priest shall look on him the seventh day: and, behold, if the plague in his sight be at a stay, and the plague spread not in the skin; then the priest shall shut him up seven days more:

6 And the priest shall look on him again the seventh day: and, behold, if the plague be somewhat dark, and the plague spread not in the skin, the priest shall pronounce him clean: it is but a scab: and he shall wash his clothes, and be clean.

7 But if the scab spread much abroad in the skin, after that he hath been seen of the priest for his cleansing, he shall be seen of the priest again.

8 And if the priest see that, behold, the scab spreadeth in the skin, then the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is a leprosy.

9 When the plague of leprosy is in a man, then he shall be brought unto the priest;

10 And the priest shall see him: and, behold, if the rising be white in the skin, and it have turned the hair white, and there be quick raw flesh in the rising;

11 It is an old leprosy in the skin of his flesh, and the priest shall pronounce him unclean, and shall not shut him up: for he is unclean.

12 And if a leprosy break out abroad in the skin, and the leprosy cover all the skin of him that hath the plague from his head even to his foot, wheresoever the priest looketh;

13 Then the priest shall consider: and, behold, if the leprosy have covered all his flesh, he shall pronounce him clean that hath the plague: it is all turned white: he is clean.

14 But when raw flesh appeareth in him, he shall be unclean.

15 And the priest shall see the raw flesh, and pronounce him to be unclean: for the raw flesh is unclean: it is a leprosy.

16 Or if the raw flesh turn again, and be changed unto white, he shall come unto the priest;

17 And the priest shall see him: and, behold, if the plague be turned into white; then the priest shall pronounce him clean that hath the plague: he is clean.

18 The flesh also, in which, even in the skin thereof, was a boil, and is healed,

19 And in the place of the boil there be a white rising, or a bright spot, white, and somewhat reddish, and it be shewed to the priest;

20 And if, when the priest seeth it, behold, it be in sight lower than the skin, and the hair thereof be turned white; the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is a plague of leprosy broken out of the boil.

21 But if the priest look on it, and, behold, there be no white hairs therein, and if it be not lower than the skin, but be somewhat dark; then the priest shall shut him up seven days:

22 And if it spread much abroad in the skin, then the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is a plague.

23 But if the bright spot stay in his place, and spread not, it is a burning boil; and the priest shall pronounce him clean.

24 Or if there be any flesh, in the skin whereof there is a hot burning, and the quick flesh that burneth have a white bright spot, somewhat reddish, or white;

25 Then the priest shall look upon it: and, behold, if the hair in the bright spot be turned white, and it be in sight deeper than the skin; it is a leprosy broken out of the burning: wherefore the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is the plague of leprosy.

26 But if the priest look on it, and, behold, there be no white hair in the bright spot, and it be no lower than the other skin, but be somewhat dark; then the priest shall shut him up seven days:

27 And the priest shall look upon him the seventh day: and if it be spread much abroad in the skin, then the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is the plague of leprosy.

28 And if the bright spot stay in his place, and spread not in the skin, but it be somewhat dark; it is a rising of the burning, and the priest shall pronounce him clean: for it is an inflammation of the burning.

29 If a man or woman have a plague upon the head or the beard;

30 Then the priest shall see the plague: and, behold, if it be in sight deeper than the skin; and there be in it a yellow thin hair; then the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is a dry scall, even a leprosy upon the head or beard.

31 And if the priest look on the plague of the scall, and, behold, it be not in sight deeper than the skin, and that there is no black hair in it; then the priest shall shut up him that hath the plague of the scall seven days:

32 And in the seventh day the priest shall look on the plague: and, behold, if the scall spread not, and there be in it no yellow hair, and the scall be not in sight deeper than the skin;

33 He shall be shaven, but the scall shall he not shave; and the priest shall shut up him that hath the scall seven days more:

34 And in the seventh day the priest shall look on the scall: and, behold, if the scall be not spread in the skin, nor be in sight deeper than the skin; then the priest shall pronounce him clean: and he shall wash his clothes, and be clean.

35 But if the scall spread much in the skin after his cleansing;

36 Then the priest shall look on him: and, behold, if the scall be spread in the skin, the priest shall not seek for yellow hair; he is unclean.

37 But if the scall be in his sight at a stay, and that there is black hair grown up therein; the scall is healed, he is clean: and the priest shall pronounce him clean.

38 If a man also or a woman have in the skin of their flesh bright spots, even white bright spots;

39 Then the priest shall look: and, behold, if the bright spots in the skin of their flesh be darkish white; it is a freckled spot that groweth in the skin; he is clean.

40 And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean.

41 And he that hath his hair fallen off from the part of his head toward his face, he is forehead bald: yet is he clean.

42 And if there be in the bald head, or bald forehead, a white reddish sore; it is a leprosy sprung up in his bald head, or his bald forehead.

43 Then the priest shall look upon it: and, behold, if the rising of the sore be white reddish in his bald head, or in his bald forehead, as the leprosy appeareth in the skin of the flesh;

44 He is a leprous man, he is unclean: the priest shall pronounce him utterly unclean; his plague is in his head.

45 And the leper in whom the plague is, his clothes shall be rent, and his head bare, and he shall put a covering upon his upper lip, and shall cry, Unclean, unclean.

46 All the days wherein the plague shall be in him he shall be defiled; he is unclean: he shall dwell alone; without the camp shall his habitation be.

47 The garment also that the plague of leprosy is in, whether it be a woollen garment, or a linen garment;

48 Whether it be in the warp, or woof; of linen, or of woollen; whether in a skin, or in any thing made of skin;

49 And if the plague be greenish or reddish in the garment, or in the skin, either in the warp, or in the woof, or in any thing of skin; it is a plague of leprosy, and shall be shewed unto the priest:

50 And the priest shall look upon the plague, and shut up it that hath the plague seven days:

51 And he shall look on the plague on the seventh day: if the plague be spread in the garment, either in the warp, or in the woof, or in a skin, or in any work that is made of skin; the plague is a fretting leprosy; it is unclean.

52 He shall therefore burn that garment, whether warp or woof, in woollen or in linen, or any thing of skin, wherein the plague is: for it is a fretting leprosy; it shall be burnt in the fire.

53 And if the priest shall look, and, behold, the plague be not spread in the garment, either in the warp, or in the woof, or in any thing of skin;

54 Then the priest shall command that they wash the thing wherein the plague is, and he shall shut it up seven days more:

55 And the priest shall look on the plague, after that it is washed: and, behold, if the plague have not changed his colour, and the plague be not spread; it is unclean; thou shalt burn it in the fire; it is fret inward, whether it be bare within or without.

56 And if the priest look, and, behold, the plague be somewhat dark after the washing of it; then he shall rend it out of the garment, or out of the skin, or out of the warp, or out of the woof:

57 And if it appear still in the garment, either in the warp, or in the woof, or in any thing of skin; it is a spreading plague: thou shalt burn that wherein the plague is with fire.

58 And the garment, either warp, or woof, or whatsoever thing of skin it be, which thou shalt wash, if the plague be departed from them, then it shall be washed the second time, and shall be clean.

59 This is the law of the plague of leprosy in a garment of woollen or linen, either in the warp, or woof, or any thing of skins, to pronounce it clean, or to pronounce it unclean.

From a quick look at the simple joys of motherhood, we move into a detailed guide on "How to Handle a Leper."

It describes how Aaron and sons are to evaluate people with blemishes to decide whether they're lepers. They are authorized to declare someone a leper on the spot (i.e., "unclean"), to hold the allegedly inflicted in isolation (enforced how?) while watching for symptoms , or to pronounce the subject "clean."

Can't say as how accurate the various diagnostic methods might be — looking at boils, freckles, and hairs for certain clues. So, let's focus on verses #44-59, which describes what to do when someone is deemed afflicted:

#44: A leprous man is unclean, and "the priest shall pronounce him utterly unclean; his plague is in his head."
#45: The leper's clothes shall be torn, his head uncovered, and he has to cover his upper lip and cry "Unclean, unclean." (Seems like lepers have nice life. Thanks, YHWH!)
#46: For as long as he has leprosy (did they have ex-lepers back then?) he is "defiled" and must live alone, outside the camp. (Thanks, YHWH!)
#47: The leper's leprous garment, whether it's made of wool or linen...
#48: "Whether it be in the warp, or woof..." (huh?) or of linen or wool (again?), whether it's leather or otherwise made of skin...
#49: If that garment shows green or red blotches (either way, a festive yuletide wardrobe choice), it is in fact leprous in its own right, and a priest needs to check it out.
#50: The priest will quarantine the garment for seven days...
#51: And if the plague has spread in the warp, woof, skin, etc., "the plague is a fretting leprosy; it is unclean."
#52: The priest will, therefore, burn the warpy, woofy, wooly, lineny, or skinny schmatta. And where will he burn it? "In the fire." (Always the best place to burn something).
#53: If the priest doesn't find the plague in the warp, woof, or skin...
#54: Then he orders the garment washed, after which it's quarantined for another week.
#55: If after the washing, the plague spots haven't changed their color, and the plague hasn't spread, it's still got the plague in it, and the priest will burn it (in the fire, of course).
#56: If the plague spots look "somewhat dark after the washing of it," the priest tears the soiled parts out of the garment, skin, warp, or woof.
#57: And if it still appears in the garment (does he wait another week?), in the warp, woof, or skin, then "it is a spreading plague," and the priest is going to burn it.
#58: If warp, woof, or skin came out in the wash, they garment is to be washed a second time and then be declared clean.
#59: "This is the law of the plague of leprosy in a garment of woollen or linen, either in the warp, or woof, or any thing of skins, to pronounce it clean, or to pronounce it unclean." (Is that what this was about? Well, why didn't they just say so? FYI, see Anonymous comment re: "Colophons.")

Interesting that in a wilderness dripping with gold, jewels, and enough livestock to pointlessly burn at the drop of a hat, clothing is in such short supply that an elaborate scheme involving top authorities is necessary to give second and third chances to plague-infested garments.

In any case, that was certainly everything we could want to know about leprosy. There isn't a single, solitary fact about dealing with early Israelite leprosy that has been left out of this chapter.

Wrong, lesion breath!

Leviticus 12

2007-11-09T10:03:00.000-05:00

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean.

3 And in the eighth day the flesh of his foreskin shall be circumcised.

4 And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days; she shall touch no hallowed thing, nor come into the sanctuary, until the days of her purifying be fulfilled.

5 But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days.

6 And when the days of her purifying are fulfilled, for a son, or for a daughter, she shall bring a lamb of the first year for a burnt offering, and a young pigeon, or a turtledove, for a sin offering, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, unto the priest:

7 Who shall offer it before the LORD, and make an atonement for her; and she shall be cleansed from the issue of her blood. This is the law for her that hath born a male or a female.

8 And if she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons; the one for the burnt offering, and the other for a sin offering: and the priest shall make an atonement for her, and she shall be clean.

Ooh, a widdle baby chapter! At eight verses, it's the shortest yet.

And babies are what it's all about.

#1: The Lord says to Moses...
#2: Tell the Israelites that women are dirty for a week after they give birth to a son. It's the same number of dirty days she'd have had with "the curse," aka "her infirmity."
#3: Eight days after birth, circumcise the lad.
#4: Mom will stay bloody (but in a purifying way) for thirty-three days, during which time she won't touch anything holy or go to the sancturary (this is another rule I'm wondering whether people still practice today, and if not, why not?)
#5: Girls are dirtier — two weeks of being unclean, and sixty-six days of wallowing in purifying blood.
#6: When she's done her stint of stewing in her purifying blood, she's to bring a lamb and a pigeon or turtledove to the tabernacle to be sacrificed (Today, where are these simple joys of motherhood?)
#7: The priest on duty will get her all atoned up, and she'll be cleansed from that bloodiness (figuratively or literally?). This is the law for moms who give birth to sons or daughters (as opposed to hermaphrodites?).
#8: If she can't pony up a lamb, she's to bring two turtles or young pigeons. That'll git 'er done.